Thursday, July 30, 2015

Big Girl Panties and a Superwoman Cape

It's been entirely too long since I last blogged.  Juggling a 3 month old baby makes writing a legit post more difficult these days, but I wouldn't have it any other way!  Jonathan and I are deliriously happy these days.  Greysen is growing like a weed...getting bigger every single day and soaking things up like a sponge!  He is babbling and grabbing at toys and even trying to say Mama and Dada a little (of course he wails Mama when he's in his carseat in the back...he's not really a fan of the car seat...he knows I'm a sucker for the Mama cry...).  He hasn't quite nailed down his belly laugh yet, but he giggles and smiles ALL the time.  It's ridiculously adorable!  Jonathan and I say frequently that we would be perfectly happy just staying at home all day every day just staring at him and watching him learn and grow.  It's like getting to watch the Grand Canyon get formed bit by bit while you look on in awe!  Our sweet little Greysen gets cuter by the minute too.  I mean...look at this face...


It's smile inducing isn't it!  This little perfect angel baby has changed our lives for the better.  He makes us look at the world and the future so much differently.  To say "a baby changes everything" is the understatement of the century.  A baby changes your thought processes, your long term plans, what brings you joy, what scares the hell out of you.  I used to feel like superwoman more frequently than not, but with a baby on the scene, I more frequently feel like my super powers have been absconded with.  Things that I used to just buck up and handle literally scare the poo outta me.  Maybe it's because I know how fragile life in general is, and now I'm responsible for not only my own but also the life of my little miracle...

Lately so much has been changing in our worlds.  We are currently living in South Florida, but we hate it oh so much that we are planning yet another move at the end of January.  We will be heading back to OKC and we couldn't be more excited about that.  Jonathan has decided to take his career in the direction of Internal Medicine rather than surgery as he originally intended.  The thought of being away from his boy as much as surgery would require him to be immediately changed his plans once Greysen arrived.  So much changing!

One thing that has me worrying more than usual, however, is a subject that is very difficult to discuss.  One that I don't usually talk about except with those who are closest to us.  Mostly because I'm always concerned that people are going to hear about it and see Jonathan, see our family, differently.  But I've been given the green light by Jonathan and I've given myself that same green light in speaking about it.  Because this, like so many of the things in our lives right now, is making a change as well...

You see...my husband Jonathan has Juvenile Myoclonic Epilepsy.  He was diagnosed a little more than 10 years ago (just before he and I started dating) and has been managing it with medication ever since.  I always struggle to come out with this (and I'm certain there will be some of you reading this thinking "Wha???") because if you know Jonathan and you don't know about his Epilepsy, you would literally never know.  And I hate it when people equate Epilepsy with some sort of shortcomings in intellect.  Also I don't want people to look at him any differently.  Jonathan is maintaining an A average in medical school.  In MEDICAL SCHOOL.  That's unheard of y'all.  My husband is one of the smartest men I've ever known.  Greysen has been born among "giants" when you consider how smart and successful his father is and both of his grandfathers!  

Jonathan's Epilepsy does not really alter his daily life other than having to take medication every morning and every evening.  He does have the occasional seizure which is frankly terrifying, but they are anywhere from 8 months to 2 years apart in frequency.  So again, in all likelihood, you would never know he had it.  In 10 years I have been with him for 4 of those seizures.  He's had a few more at times when I wasn't with him, but for the 4 I've witnessed, I just go into autopilot.  I know what to do, how to keep him safe, and how to bring him out of one.  They're scary, but I put on my big girl panties and don my super woman cape and I handle it...

Lately, though, Jonathan's seizure activity has been less controlled on the meds he's been taking.  He has only had one seizure in the last year, but he's been symptomatic at other times and he shouldn't be if his medication was working as it should.  This particular medication also packs a punch when it comes to side effects, so he really needs to switch meds for about a million reasons.  This. Is. Terrifying. To me.  Because now that Greysen is here, my super woman cape doesn't work as well, and let's be honest...my big girl panties are fitting quite differently these days...

In the last 10 years, managing a seizure, though it was scary, was second nature to me.  But the thought of managing a seizure while also managing an infant is infinitely more terrifying.  The words "I just don't think I can do this" have come from my lips recently.  And if you know me, you know that's a tough conclusion to come to.  Jonathan is switching medications.  He is being monitored by a doctor while we make the transition and his doc says "The process should not alter his day to day life".  Which means he shouldn't be at risk for more seizures while he's switching meds.  I am so anxious about all of this that I cry at the drop of the hat these days (as if I needed help in that) and I find myself worrying and feeling scared ALL. THE. TIME.

So I say that to say this, my loyal readers.  In the next few months, if you think of us, will you send up some prayers and good vibes?  During our IVF process you all were just incredible about sending us encouraging notes and reminding us of God's faithfulness.  You've been wonderful in welcoming our beautiful baby boy too!  So we are employing you once again to rise up and be our support while we make yet another BIG change in our lives as a family.  Pray for Jonathan's health, my sanity, and our safety.  Pray for smooth sailing during the transition and that this new medication will work the way it's supposed to (and hopefully have the added benefit of making Jonathan feel better in general as well).  Jonathan told me tonight that he's not afraid people will hear about his Epilepsy and think he won't make a good doctor.  If you've ever spent time with him in a professional situation, you know the man is MADE to be a doctor.  But doesn't he strike you more like a Clark Kent/Superman type character now that you know what he has to overcome to be the amazing up and coming doctor that he is?!  Yeah he's a pretty special dude.  My life is better because he's in it, and my heart just wants him to be ok...