What You Should and Should NOT Say...

So in the years that Jonathan and I have walked this road of infertility and loss, I can't tell you the number of times I've been left somewhat agape at the kinds of things people ask and say in regards to pregnancy and "trying".  I've wanted to write this post for a long time, so here it finally is.  Don't be offended or embarrassed if you've asked me any of these yourself.  I've grown a thick skin about it all! :) At this point most of them kind of make me laugh on the inside.  Just take this as a little tidbit of "education" on the matter.  Whether you *know* a woman is pregnant, trying to conceive, or not...it doesn't matter.  Be wise in what you ask and how you ask it!

6+ Things to Never Say to Any Woman...Infertile or Not:

1) How long have you two been married? ______ <---insert your answer here.  Wow!  When are you guys gonna start a family?

Lord in Heaven.  Frankly, this question just sucks.  Because if you aren't wanting children, there's no good response.  If you're trying at the moment (no matter how long you've been trying for) the answer is awkward.  "Well as a matter of fact the hubs and I got weird on the couch this morning because we're currently trying...".  If you're in the early stages of a pregnancy but aren't wanting to reveal it yet, what the heck could you say?? If you've been dealing with infertility, the question makes you want to cry.  Either cry or be SUPER cynical.  Cynical is the route I always go in my head when this question is asked.  For instance, "Actually we hate children", or "We already are a family actually."  But what comes out of my mouth is "Whenever God decides to let it happen!".  Bottom line, just don't ask the question.  

2)  Are you guys trying??

This is a piggy back on question #1.  If you stop and think about it, that question is asking WAY more than you should be privy to in someone's relationship.  Essentially what you're asking is if the couple is having sex on a regular basis without protection.  If you reword the EXACT SAME QUESTION you are saying "Hey you two, how often are you having sex and are you wearing a condom?"  Surely you wouldn't be bold enough as to ask that question of someone.  I have to slap myself on the wrist for this one (and maybe all of these), because I've asked it before...  For shame, Rach, for shame...

3)  My friend's cousin's boss had a miscarriage.  I know what you're going through.

Welp...you don't really.  This isn't meant to be inflammatory in any way.  Neither is it meant to keep you from expressing sympathy or empathy to women who have experienced the loss of a pregnancy.  What I'm saying is that for those of us who *have* experienced loss, we know there is a large part of it that is unexplainable.  It can't be empathized with unless you've experienced it first hand.  The better response if you have never personally experienced the loss of a pregnancy?  Something along the lines of "I know I can't come close to understanding what you're going through, but I'm willing to listen if you need an ear", or "You've been on my mind and heart lately".   A sweet friend at church said the latter to me one Sunday morning *months* after our loss and she probably never knew how much that meant to me.  She said so much without saying much at all...

4)  Just relax and stop trying so hard and I bet it will happen for you guys.

No no no and again I say NO!  Ok, so maybe this little anecdote has worked on *some*.  But let me tell you, after 5 years of infertility struggles, when I hear this statement all I hear is "You probably aren't having good enough sex."  I already think it's probably something *I'm* doing to hinder this from happening.  I definitely don't need help in that department!  But the "lack of relaxation" factor kind of went out the window about 40 months ago.  Clearly it is something more than just stressed out eggs or sperm with performance anxiety.  Even if this tactic seemingly worked for you and your pregnancy, you probably *still* shouldn't say it to a woman who is distressed about her lack of success thus far...

5) You can babysit anytime you want!  *wink, wink, nudge, nudge*

This does NOT help.  Ever.  Reworded in the mind of a woman who desperately wants children but is unable to have them is this: "I have kids already and you don't.  Come borrow mine.  It will make you feel better.  My kids are awesome."  While the thought is nice, it does not help.  That's not to say that I don't love your children and wouldn't enjoy spending time with them.  But it's not a replacement for my own children.  Nor is it funny as a "tongue in cheek" type deal...

5B) Are you *sure* you want one of these?  Kids aren't all they're cracked up to be...

I know this is cynical and that you don't really mean it.  But it sucks.  It's weird.  I've told people in response to this statement "Well I would have 8 if I could have 1."  And that is the God's honest truth. I'd take a million dirty diapers and temper tantrums and crayoned walls and snotty noses over NO BABY AT ALL.  So yes, actually.  I am sure that I'm sure that I'm sure that I "want one of those".  And no I do not want to "take yours off your hands".  

6) "THE ULTIMATE NO NO!"  What if you're just not meant to have kids?

Is this supposed to be some sort of "harsh reality" type tactic to yank my head out of the clouds?  Whether you know it or not, or whether I'm willing to admit it or not, those thoughts cross my mind frequently.  And you just vocalized my worst nightmare.  What if all this pain and suffering and longing is just a farce and this is something not meant to be mine anyway?  Oh no no no no no.  This is no.  Might I arrive at this conclusion eventually?  Maybe.  Let's hope not.  Either way will it be you who helps me arrive at said conclusion?  Most definitely not... 

5 Things That You Could Say Instead

1) I was/am so sorry to hear about your loss.

It's so nice to hear someone acknowledge the loss of your child in miscarriage.  Because it really is a loss of a child.  No I never gave birth to him or held him, but he is beyond a shadow of a doubt a "real baby".  And the loss of our child was devastating.  Thank you you for recognizing the life of my baby.  For a minute I felt like a mommy...

2) *I* went through/am going through exactly what you're going through.  We had a miscarriage/ectopic pregnancy/still born/chemical pregnancy/blighted ovum/infertility/etc. too.

LADIES!!  If you encounter someone who has experienced loss similar to yours SPEAK UP!!  Infertility and pregnancy loss is such a silent struggle and it shouldn't be.  Be bold in sharing your story but be even bolder about sharing your story with those that need the solidarity the most!  It's a crappy club to be in, but it's even crappier when you feel like you're the only one in it.  Band together and hold each other up.  It was the women who came out of the woodwork to empathize with me in regards to their losses that helped me learn to deal with the hand I'd been dealt...

3) You guys are going to have some beautiful babies one day.

Thanks!  Man I LOVE this statement!  It doesn't speak to the hopelessness that many women in this boat feel.  It DOES, however, speak to the hope that one day those "beautiful babies" will be a reality!  And I LOVE speculating with people about what my babies will look like.  Will they be dark headed or bald or have that amazing Womack red hair?  Will they have blue eyes or brown eyes?  Will they be super smart or super athletic or both??  For a minute you took me out of hopelessness and brought me into hopefulness...

4)  This *is* going to happen for you guys!

Yes!  I really needed you to say that.  A brief moment happened there where I forgot my fears about losing another child.  I forgot my pain in losing the one(s) I've lost.  And I smiled on the inside because I really needed your vote of confidence.  Because most days I can't muster it for myself...

5)  You are in my thoughts and on my heart.

You could pair this with a "Please let me know if you need anything" if you're feeling inclined to deliver on that request.  But the first sentence is more than enough.  You don't even have to expand on it.  You don't have to say the word miscarriage, or loss, or baby, or infertility, or anything.  Because I know what you're referring to.  And I know you aren't trying to pry.  This statement means so very much to women going through this.  Just the reminder that someone knows you're in pain or you're struggling is soothing...

Again, I hope this doesn't upset you.  It's not meant that way.  I've been on both sides of this fence.  I've been on the "My friend lost her baby and I have no idea what to say" side, and I've been on the "I've been through this and I know what you're going through" side.  I hope this helps you to *not* avoid women you know are struggling with loss or infertility because you don't know what to say.  I hope it also helps you avoid saying the things that you shouldn't.  To any woman.  But to lighten the mood a little, I thought I would share a little story about my dad and how he learned never to ask "the wrong questions":

Daddy (at a garage sale trying to strike up a conversation with the woman who owns the home): Hi!  How are you this beautiful Saturday?

Homeowner:  Doing well!  How bout yourself?

Daddy:  Doing fine.  You guys have quite a bit you're getting rid of.  Are you moving?

Homeowner:  No.  Just trying to get rid of some stuff!

Daddy:  You must have a ton of baby stuff in the house then.  I can't believe you're getting rid of so much baby clothing when you've got one on the way!

Homeowner: *blink...blink, blink*  Sir I'm not pregnant.

Daddy (awkwardly trying to extract his foot from his mouth):  Oh, well then I'm sure your baby is beautiful!

Homeowner:  My children are 18 and 22 sir.

Daddy: *blink...blink, blink*  Ok well you have a good day then. <---power walks to car

Oh Daddy...

To My Fellow "Sisters in Waiting"...

As I've stated about a million times on this blog, I cannot stress enough the importance of solidarity among women dealing with infertility and pregnancy loss.  One thing that helped me through our loss and has continued to help us through our dealings with infertility are all the women and couples going through the same thing...eager and bold enough to share their stories and comfort us with words of wisdom and hope.  I've gotten countless emails, Facebook messages, texts, and comments from people everywhere speaking up about their own journeys.  People wanting to join hands and hearts as we walk this difficult road in hopes of getting our very very happy endings (or beginnings!) one day soon.  So, my fellow "Sisters in Waiting"...I have some words for you today.  I hope they make your heart happy!

You yourself did nothing wrong.  You are not infertile because you ate the wrong things, didn't exercise enough, or are living in the wrong place.  You did not lose your baby because you are unhealthy or your body is "inhospitable".  YOU are enough.  And you are NOT defective...

Don't feel alone when you want to punch someone or something.  It happens to the best of us.  Anger is a natural human emotion and one we cannot discredit as a part of this journey.  Invest in a good firm pillow and take your frustrations out there.  And then call me...I'll be cynical with you until you can laugh about it again...

This is NOT a punishment.  You are NOT being punished.  This is NOT God's way of making you pay for your past sins.  You are PERFECT in His eyes...

It's ok to feel jealousy sometimes too.  It's normal to see a pregnant woman or a pregnancy announcement and feel that pang of jealousy.  But don't let it consume you.  Identify it as a longing of your heart and remember that one day YOU will be the one announcing that pregnancy or adoption!

Dream big!  Pick out those baby names, pin those nursery ideas, bookmark those great parenting articles.  Take advantage of the fact that you have such a ridiculously long time to plan for your babies.  The longer you train for the event, the better you'll be when it's your time to step up to the mommy plate!

Find a fellow Sister in Waiting and share your story with her.  Ask her to share hers.  Cry together, laugh together, gripe together, pray together.  It's more healing than you can imagine...

Give people grace when they don't understand what you're going through.  When they ask questions that hurt, show them mercy...don't say what you're thinking in your head!  Be graceful and kind even when it's hard.  Because in the end it really does make you better...

Write it down.  Either privately or publicly (I've done both).  It's healing and liberating!

Don't let people feel sorry for you...

Make a "secret" Pinterest board to pin all your baby hopes onto.  It keeps people from speculating and asking questions when they see you pinning baby stuff.  But it fills that void for a minute to spend time thinking about that future that you want so badly without having to field the "Is there a baby on the way??" question we love so much...

Do research and read up.  It's ok to know all there is to know about conception and hormones and birth and parenting.  It doesn't make you pathetic.  It makes you intelligent...

And last but not least, BELIEVE HIM.  He put this desire on your heart. HE put it there.  And He's still in the business of miracles.  He said that we will find Him when we seek Him with all of our hearts.  He said you can move mountains with faith as small as a mustard seed.  Believe Him when He says he has plans to prosper you and not to harm you...to give you a Hope and a Future.  He's got big plans for you.  Keep believing that He will come through for you.  And when the Heavenly clashes with our earthly hearts' desires there will be unimaginable joy and peace and understanding.  And it will be vastly more than we ever hoped or imagined it would be!

Keep on keepin' on.  Don't give up.  There WILL be joy in the morning!

I Am Hannah

For me it's been comforting through these years of infertility and loss to read about women who have struggled through the same thing.  It's been empowering and calming to know that I'm not the only one who has walked or is walking this road.  It's a daily struggle.  One of the things I like to do when I'm feeling particularly "left out" of the mommy club (and it IS a club...one I desperately want to be a part of...) is to read about women in the Bible who suffered in this way.  I search out the same stories and read them over and over.

The story of Samson's mother who's womb was closed and then she received a prophesy that she would indeed conceive a child...a son who would be blessed by God and she was not to let a razor touch his head...

The story of Elizabeth who was older and had been barren her whole life.  She and her husband prayed and begged God to open her womb, and then God sent an angel to Elizabeth's husband Zechariah to tell him that Elizabeth would bear a son and they were to name him John.  John was to pave the way for the coming of Jesus...

The story of Sarai who was REALLY old and tried every which way to give Abraham children.  And was of course floored when God revealed his plan even in her old age and Isaac was conceived.  He accomplished the seemingly impossible.  She was so shocked she laughed out loud...

The story of Pharoah's daughter who eventually went on to be the adoptive mother of Moses.  She wanted a child and God answered that prayer in an unimaginable way when a baby literally floated right up to her in a basket.  A heavenly gift...

And...

The story of Hannah.  Which is my favorite.  And interestingly enough it was the topic du jour for inLightin (a children's ministry I'm involved with here in Dominica).  While I sat with two or three precious babies in my lap during the last two Friday's sessions, I couldn't help but smile at God's timing and His reassurance through scripture...

Hannah BEGGED God to give her a child.  Begged Him to open her womb.  She knelt, she wept, she wailed.  She promised that if God would grant her this request she would raise her child up in the Lord.  She would "give him back" so to speak.  Her prayers were so fervent that God granted her request and gave her a son, Samuel.  Who was a pivotal character in the Bible and indeed did live his life as an offering to the Lord.

Here's my take:

1) Don't get it twisted.  God didn't *finally* give Hannah a son because she prayed for him "correctly".  He did not grant her request because He "felt sorry for her".  No, Hannah had arrived at the place in her life where she knew the only thing she could rely on in her life's most trying hour was her God.  And I think that this was to be her time all along.  She felt that something was about to give..something was about to change in her life.  And she desperately wanted that change to be a child in her womb.  This was a time when God's desires and Hannah's desires were one in the same.  The worldly and the divine converged and then Samuel was conceived...

2) It was probably not an easy thing to say that she would give her son back to God.  In those days that meant he would live in the temple and live the life of a priest.  It was not a statement to be taken lightly.  But Hannah arrived at the truth that her conceiving a child was fully a "God thing" and she was humbled by this realization.   No matter what, her baby belonged to God.  She was simply the vessel he arrived in.  She was the person God had chosen to raise one of His creations.  And she could do nothing but be obedient to Him...

I AM HANNAH...

I can't tell you the number of times I have knelt (literally) before God and begged him for a baby.  Too many times I have cried to the point of migraines and swollen eyelids asking Him...pleading with Him to "open my womb".  I've shaken my fists at Him.  Wondered "why He gave her a baby and left me hanging".  I've yelled full voice at Him.  I've questioned His judgement.  I've even questioned His existence.  That's a hard thing to come out and say.  But I have.  God, if you're there, if you exist and you love me, then why do my insides feel like they're being ripped out and scorched because of something YOU can change??  I've asked those questions...

Why then do I *still* cling to my God even after years of disappointment, a tragic loss, and frequent bouts of hopelessness?  Why have I not written Him off and decided that He doesn't exist and/or I shouldn't bother continuing to put my faith in His plan?

Because I know that I know that I know that He is faithful.  He is EVERYTHING He's promised.  I have seen full evidence of His existence in my life.  I've seen Him miraculously heal.  I've seen Him miraculously protect.  I've felt His presence.  I've heard His voice.  I've seen His heart.  I KNOW He exists.  And I simply *have* to keep clinging to His promise that He won't leave me or forsake me.  I have to keep believing that I will find Him when I seek Him with all of my heart.  I have to continue to hear Him when he says He will grant me the desires of my heart, of *our* hearts, when we take delight in Him.  I have to understand and accept that He is the ultimate parent.  He's making the hard decisions.  His heart is breaking to see me cry...to hear me weep.  But He knows the plan...he sees the finish line...and He knows there's a beautiful story unfolding.  He won't compromise what He knows is our great adventure to come, just to keep me from crying.  He'll comfort me along the way and *still* finish what He started in me.

He knows the plan.  He's giving me little glimpses of it as we walk this road.  He is moving.  Right now.  He is moving in our lives and Jonathan and I are feeling His presence and His power right now in a real way.  We know something is about to give...

I am Hannah.  I am praying that the desires of my heart and God's plan for my life are about to come crashing together.  I am praying that in my life right now, the Divine and the Earthly are about to converge.  I'm praying for a spectacular meeting of my prayers and His plan.  For ten fingers and ten toes that remind me that the God that I serve is miraculous...