Today was our first ultrasound appointment since we started the stim shots (the building we go to our appointments in is called the Harold Hamm Diabetes Center...hence the blog title...). Right now there are 14 large follicles visible on ultrasound and 14+ smaller follicles that will likely get bigger over the next few days of shots. So essentially there are nearly 30 follicles growing in my ovaries right now. I *knew* I felt something happening in there! Before when I've taken Clomid I've had a maximum of 6 eggs and felt like I was about to burst. Now, on day 5 of stims, I've got nearly 30! So you can imagine what my insides are feeling like! My lower back is super tender and my lower belly feels very full. Me and tylenol have a very close relationship right now...
Yesterday was a particularly difficult day hormonally. I am very aware of my heightened emotional state, so I've been able to, for the most part, keep things in check. Jonathan and I had lunch with my friend Rachel G. and while she was telling me the woes of day care for her son Henry, I literally burst into tears! I couldn't turn it off! I was nearly weeping in the middle of Chipotle because she was telling me her son's nap time was gonna get all messed up now that he's back in day care. It was kind of ridiculous actually. And then last night I really had to psych myself up for my shots. You see, the Lupron and the Follistim are no big deal. Especially since the Follistim has been backed off, so I'm only taking 125 iu of it each night. It's quick and easy and the needle is microscopic. The Menopur, however, is a beast. I know I'm probably being a big baby...I am definitely grateful for the fact that I don't have to take extra shots for other things. I have a friend who has to endure Lovenox shots every night during IVF prep cycles and all through pregnancy...*those* shots are really beasts. But the Menopur just burns going in and there's SO much fluid going in I just feel like the needle is in my belly for 5 minutes! I have little tiny bruises at all my injection sites, so all around my belly button kind of looks like a mine field with all the needle prick marks and the bruises. Last night after my 3rd shot (which is always the Menopur) I burst into tears again. It hurt and I was emotional. And even after the needle comes out, my belly feels like someone is burning it with a match and a little lump forms and turns red. I'm not really sure I can put into words exactly what was going through my head at that moment, but it took me a few minutes to reign it in...
It hit me today that these nearly 30 follicles I'm seeing on ultrasound could potentially be my babies. One of those follicles is one half of Maggie or Greysen or Avie or Lillie! Dr. Hansen is very happy with everything he's seeing so far, and we will go in on Friday again for another monitoring appointment. It's then that he will probably tell us when our retrieval is likely to happen. It's getting more real and more intense every day! I will be so relieved to eliminate this uncomfortable feeling in my ovaries after they go in and get all these eggs. But I'm looking forward to the uncomfortable feeling in my lower belly as my babies hang on in there are start growing inside my body. The thought of that is pretty much intoxicating. One week from today I could have embryos in the lab...maybe sooner! It's hard to even wrap my brain around that fact...
For now, we will just keep stimming away and I'll keep taking these belly shots like a pro...even if I do cry a little every night like the cry baby that I am ;). I'll keep you all posted on the progress and what the next few days entail. Keep up those prayers and try not to laugh too much if I turn into a puddle on the floor in front of you over something silly. It's the hormones y'all...
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Sunday, August 10, 2014
It's Almost Time...
As my body slowly gets more and more pumped full of hormones, it becomes increasingly more difficult to stay rational. It's the times when I'm feeling... "over emotional" let's say...that I let things bug me more. Things that are stupid and not worth being bugged about bug me. So I take a deep breath and say "Rach it's just the hormones" and try to move on. It's also those times that I feel satan grappling for a foothold. It's like he sees a window of opportunity to jump in there and stir up my thoughts. Planting things like "Nobody really cares what's happening with you guys, stop putting it in their faces," or "You better not invest too much in this...you know it's not gonna work anyway" in my head. He's a pretty mean dude isn't he??
At any rate, when I stop and pray in those moments, satan is immediately suppressed and God's voice overpowers everything. He reminds me to take a deep breath and "rest in His embrace". His grace abounds in the deepest waters...where I'm forced to take His hand or I'll drown under all those swells. He's called me, He's called US, to greater things. Jonathan and I. Our faith has been tested. Our willingness to do *anything* for Him has been tested. I hope we've been found faithful so far. I hope when I get to Heaven He'll say "Wow Rach...I threw some tough stuff at you and you fielded it. Well done my daughter...". It's *now* that my trust really does have to be without borders. I have to walk out on the water...right in the middle of the storm...and grab His hand and keep walking. It's the part about letting my soul rest in His embrace that is tough. It's like the minute I go, "Ok, I'm relaxing and letting you handle this," the other side of my psyche starts drumming up all the "what ifs". Y'all...IVF is the WORST thing in the world when it comes to what ifs. There are so many things that could go wrong. There is a HUGE unknown here...
I keep praying for signs...obvious signs...if this is not what He wants from us. I don't want to do this if it's something He's not ordaining. But I'm not getting those signs. Little answered prayers throughout my weeks give me just the confidence I need to take that next step forward. He is so faithful y'all. And He is good. And He loves me like crazy!
A few years ago while I was driving to work, I had a conversation with God. I had woken up that morning and taken a pregnancy test because I was late (which used to be a normal occurrence...). It was of course negative. Ugh. So through a flood of tears I drove to school talking to Him all the way. I said, "God, what are you doing here? What else can I do?? I swear, if you would just grant me this one thing, I promise I'd give you ALL the glory. What do you want me to do?? I'd give up everything...I mean seriously everything (except Jonathan) for this. And I mean that..." Welp...He tested that. I gave up my job, my house, all my comforts, all my stability. WE gave up all those things. We answered a call to medicine which took us across the ocean into a 3rd world country. While we were there He shaped us. He protected us. He provided for us. And now we are back. And the blessings are overflowing. He needed us to sacrifice. Not *so* He would make us parents. No, it's not like that. All this growing...all this learning...was necessary. It was part of our journey. It has been all along. And this is what's next. I feel it in my bones. In the deepest part of me I know He is painting this beautiful picture of our family. How my heart skips a beat each time I think about what He has in store for us...
My babies are almost here. They're ALMOST HERE! Each night when Jonathan gives me my belly shots he kisses the spot and says one of our baby names. Every night until Saturday he would pick one of our 4 names...either Greysen, Maggie, Avie, or Lillie...and say it out loud. Just to help us...maybe more me...to remember why we are doing all of this. Why all those needles are for a greater purpose. Now that I'm taking 3 a day he says nearly all of them. The day before our transfer he will say all 4. Their names are special...each time he says a name I say a quick little prayer for them. I imagine what they might look like. I imagine what it will feel like to hold them in my arms. What it will be like to see their hearts beating on ultrasound. What it will feel like to look into their eyes and say, "I'm your mommy!" I just about can't keep myself from tears when I envision Jonathan holding and loving them. What a great Daddy he's going to be. How he will love his children. And how ready we both are to be parents. It's time...
So we can officially say that NEXT WEEK we will have embabies. I've been thinking about what I might "nickname" our embryos. To just call them embryos seems like not enough. Each of them will be uniquely their own little tiny person. But we won't know enough about them yet to call them by our baby names. Still mulling that over. I get an adrenaline rush when I think that in just over a week (or maybe less) we will heading to the hospital to do my egg retrieval. Crazy. I can't thank you all enough for your prayers and your well wishes. Your little encouraging words really do mean the world to us. They mean more than you know and more than we can express. I don't expect every single person we know to hang so close to this...it's tough! It's tough to know what to say, how to respond. I know. But to you who are still in our midst cheering us on, encouraging us, remembering us in prayer...THANK YOU. It's because of you that we are being given the courage to press forward in this.
At any rate, when I stop and pray in those moments, satan is immediately suppressed and God's voice overpowers everything. He reminds me to take a deep breath and "rest in His embrace". His grace abounds in the deepest waters...where I'm forced to take His hand or I'll drown under all those swells. He's called me, He's called US, to greater things. Jonathan and I. Our faith has been tested. Our willingness to do *anything* for Him has been tested. I hope we've been found faithful so far. I hope when I get to Heaven He'll say "Wow Rach...I threw some tough stuff at you and you fielded it. Well done my daughter...". It's *now* that my trust really does have to be without borders. I have to walk out on the water...right in the middle of the storm...and grab His hand and keep walking. It's the part about letting my soul rest in His embrace that is tough. It's like the minute I go, "Ok, I'm relaxing and letting you handle this," the other side of my psyche starts drumming up all the "what ifs". Y'all...IVF is the WORST thing in the world when it comes to what ifs. There are so many things that could go wrong. There is a HUGE unknown here...
I keep praying for signs...obvious signs...if this is not what He wants from us. I don't want to do this if it's something He's not ordaining. But I'm not getting those signs. Little answered prayers throughout my weeks give me just the confidence I need to take that next step forward. He is so faithful y'all. And He is good. And He loves me like crazy!
A few years ago while I was driving to work, I had a conversation with God. I had woken up that morning and taken a pregnancy test because I was late (which used to be a normal occurrence...). It was of course negative. Ugh. So through a flood of tears I drove to school talking to Him all the way. I said, "God, what are you doing here? What else can I do?? I swear, if you would just grant me this one thing, I promise I'd give you ALL the glory. What do you want me to do?? I'd give up everything...I mean seriously everything (except Jonathan) for this. And I mean that..." Welp...He tested that. I gave up my job, my house, all my comforts, all my stability. WE gave up all those things. We answered a call to medicine which took us across the ocean into a 3rd world country. While we were there He shaped us. He protected us. He provided for us. And now we are back. And the blessings are overflowing. He needed us to sacrifice. Not *so* He would make us parents. No, it's not like that. All this growing...all this learning...was necessary. It was part of our journey. It has been all along. And this is what's next. I feel it in my bones. In the deepest part of me I know He is painting this beautiful picture of our family. How my heart skips a beat each time I think about what He has in store for us...
My babies are almost here. They're ALMOST HERE! Each night when Jonathan gives me my belly shots he kisses the spot and says one of our baby names. Every night until Saturday he would pick one of our 4 names...either Greysen, Maggie, Avie, or Lillie...and say it out loud. Just to help us...maybe more me...to remember why we are doing all of this. Why all those needles are for a greater purpose. Now that I'm taking 3 a day he says nearly all of them. The day before our transfer he will say all 4. Their names are special...each time he says a name I say a quick little prayer for them. I imagine what they might look like. I imagine what it will feel like to hold them in my arms. What it will be like to see their hearts beating on ultrasound. What it will feel like to look into their eyes and say, "I'm your mommy!" I just about can't keep myself from tears when I envision Jonathan holding and loving them. What a great Daddy he's going to be. How he will love his children. And how ready we both are to be parents. It's time...
So we can officially say that NEXT WEEK we will have embabies. I've been thinking about what I might "nickname" our embryos. To just call them embryos seems like not enough. Each of them will be uniquely their own little tiny person. But we won't know enough about them yet to call them by our baby names. Still mulling that over. I get an adrenaline rush when I think that in just over a week (or maybe less) we will heading to the hospital to do my egg retrieval. Crazy. I can't thank you all enough for your prayers and your well wishes. Your little encouraging words really do mean the world to us. They mean more than you know and more than we can express. I don't expect every single person we know to hang so close to this...it's tough! It's tough to know what to say, how to respond. I know. But to you who are still in our midst cheering us on, encouraging us, remembering us in prayer...THANK YOU. It's because of you that we are being given the courage to press forward in this.
It's almost time!
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Stim Like a Champ!
We had our baseline ultrasound and infectious disease blood work done yesterday. All is well on the "estrogen front" for me. They were looking for "quiet ovaries" (meaning no follicles trying to mature on their own) and low, low estrogen. My ovaries on ultrasound have 24 "immature" follicles between the two of them. That's a GREAT number to start with, and Dr. Hansen says there usually are a few "surprise follicles" that pop up during ovarian stimulation. So we are in really good shape with this start. Keisha (the nurse filling in for Connie while she's out of town) called me yesterday afternoon to tell me that my blood work revealed a "perfectly low estrogen level" and that I'm ready to start stimulation drugs on Saturday! I really can't believe it's finally time to start this part of the treatment. Seems like yesterday I was announcing our IVF intentions and now we are less than 2 weeks away from having embryos in the lab!
I will be starting with 150 iu of Follistim which is a fairly low dose. Since I've taken Clomid a few times before and my ovaries have responded REALLY well to that, Dr. Hansen doesn't want to push it with the Follistim. It's likely I won't need any more than 150 iu throughout these 10 days of stimming, and it's possible he may even back off the dose as we get closer to retrieval. So starting Saturday I'll be taking 3 shots in my belly. 1 of Lupron, 1 of Follistim, and 1 of Menopur (which is another stim medication). I feel like if I've mastered the Lupron needle, the Follistim and Menopur needles will be a breeze. Follistim especially since that needle is practically microscopic. It's the drinking straw-like needles that the Progesterone in Oil shots have to be given with that scare me. Yikes! Those won't start until the day before or the day of my transfer, though, so I've got a little while before I have to take those bad boys...
So I start the stims on Saturday and then we go back into the clinic on Monday for blood work. Then from there we have to go in every other day (possibly every day as we get closer to that 10 day mark and depending on how my body responds) to get blood work and ultrasound. Once Dr. Hansen is happy with the number of mature follicles he sees he will set my retrieval date (my money is on August 20th, but our "window" is between the 19th and the 21st...though it's possible it could happen earlier). Then less than 24 hours before my retrieval I will take a shot of hCG in my belly to mature my eggs and then it's go time! I'll keep you all posted on when our retrieval will happen.
In the meantime, Jonathan takes his USMLE boards on Sunday morning. It's an 8 hour test that starts at 8:00 AM. He is definitely ready to take this exam and get it over with. He's going to do amazing! But prayers for his peace in this would be much appreciated! We were having a conversation over dinner yesterday about the direction our lives are going right now. The timing really couldn't be more perfect, and as these big milestones are passed, things just keep falling right into place. We found out last week that we can do all of Jonathan's core rotations in South Florida (that's like 38 weeks of rotations), so once we move down to the Miami area in September, we'll be parking it there for the long haul probably until residency or right before. Though it would have been cool to live in NYC for a little while, I am over the moon about the prospect of staying in once place that's actually affordable for an extended period of time. My stuff can come out of storage...I can nest! Ridiculously excited about that. Of course we are hoping to need a place suitable for bambinos, so I'm pumped about potentially being able to set up a nursery. The next few months *could* get tricky with dates and what not, but once I'm down there for good with him, South Florida will be our home for the next at least 18 months and probably longer...
There is a definite feeling of the closing of one chapter of our lives. His taking the USMLE is definitely the end of an era on that front. 3 years of taking basic sciences have built up to this test. And on Sunday, that part of his quest for an M.D. will officially be over. Of course starting a family has been on our list for a long, long time now. We can't help but feel like that's the next big thing in our lives. I have to keep believing that God has a perfect plan in all this. I hope and pray that His perfect plan includes a pregnancy and delivery and bringing our precious baby (or babies) home to our own sweet little house in South Florida. But I know that if that's not in the cards, He's got bigger plans. But I can't help but hope that the hurt we've felt in the last few years about this is about to come to an end. I've felt His presence so very intensely in the past few months and even more so in the past few weeks. When I pray, He's answering. And He's answering in a very, VERY recognizable way. He is revealing Himself to me. As we get closer to "the moment of truth" in all this IVF stuff, I find myself asking Him often to give me a sign or a heads up if He doesn't want us to continue. I ask Him to protect my heart and start now if this is all to end in heartbreak. But instead of diverting us, He's giving us the GREEN light all the way. If I told you all the ways He has answered my prayers even in the last few days, it would be a novel I tell ya. He answered my prayer with yesterday's appointment when He so easily could have disallowed my estrogen to drop. That would have derailed this whole thing. Instead He has orchestrated this perfect little scenario and everything has been smooth sailing. He's put a peace in both of our hearts about this. No matter what, He's got this...
So be praying for us in the coming weeks. This is what we've both been waiting and working for. Jonathan's boards, our stim week, and our retrieval and fertilization. In 2 weeks or less we will be PARENTS! Even if it *is* only to our tiny little embabies. We love you all so much and your support has been tireless. I thank my God each time I remember each of you and how you've been such pivotal and influential parts of our journey. What lucky, lucky people we are. So blessed!
So in closing...I intend to "Stim Like a Champ" starting Saturday. Here's to basketball sized ovaries! ;)
I will be starting with 150 iu of Follistim which is a fairly low dose. Since I've taken Clomid a few times before and my ovaries have responded REALLY well to that, Dr. Hansen doesn't want to push it with the Follistim. It's likely I won't need any more than 150 iu throughout these 10 days of stimming, and it's possible he may even back off the dose as we get closer to retrieval. So starting Saturday I'll be taking 3 shots in my belly. 1 of Lupron, 1 of Follistim, and 1 of Menopur (which is another stim medication). I feel like if I've mastered the Lupron needle, the Follistim and Menopur needles will be a breeze. Follistim especially since that needle is practically microscopic. It's the drinking straw-like needles that the Progesterone in Oil shots have to be given with that scare me. Yikes! Those won't start until the day before or the day of my transfer, though, so I've got a little while before I have to take those bad boys...
So I start the stims on Saturday and then we go back into the clinic on Monday for blood work. Then from there we have to go in every other day (possibly every day as we get closer to that 10 day mark and depending on how my body responds) to get blood work and ultrasound. Once Dr. Hansen is happy with the number of mature follicles he sees he will set my retrieval date (my money is on August 20th, but our "window" is between the 19th and the 21st...though it's possible it could happen earlier). Then less than 24 hours before my retrieval I will take a shot of hCG in my belly to mature my eggs and then it's go time! I'll keep you all posted on when our retrieval will happen.
In the meantime, Jonathan takes his USMLE boards on Sunday morning. It's an 8 hour test that starts at 8:00 AM. He is definitely ready to take this exam and get it over with. He's going to do amazing! But prayers for his peace in this would be much appreciated! We were having a conversation over dinner yesterday about the direction our lives are going right now. The timing really couldn't be more perfect, and as these big milestones are passed, things just keep falling right into place. We found out last week that we can do all of Jonathan's core rotations in South Florida (that's like 38 weeks of rotations), so once we move down to the Miami area in September, we'll be parking it there for the long haul probably until residency or right before. Though it would have been cool to live in NYC for a little while, I am over the moon about the prospect of staying in once place that's actually affordable for an extended period of time. My stuff can come out of storage...I can nest! Ridiculously excited about that. Of course we are hoping to need a place suitable for bambinos, so I'm pumped about potentially being able to set up a nursery. The next few months *could* get tricky with dates and what not, but once I'm down there for good with him, South Florida will be our home for the next at least 18 months and probably longer...
There is a definite feeling of the closing of one chapter of our lives. His taking the USMLE is definitely the end of an era on that front. 3 years of taking basic sciences have built up to this test. And on Sunday, that part of his quest for an M.D. will officially be over. Of course starting a family has been on our list for a long, long time now. We can't help but feel like that's the next big thing in our lives. I have to keep believing that God has a perfect plan in all this. I hope and pray that His perfect plan includes a pregnancy and delivery and bringing our precious baby (or babies) home to our own sweet little house in South Florida. But I know that if that's not in the cards, He's got bigger plans. But I can't help but hope that the hurt we've felt in the last few years about this is about to come to an end. I've felt His presence so very intensely in the past few months and even more so in the past few weeks. When I pray, He's answering. And He's answering in a very, VERY recognizable way. He is revealing Himself to me. As we get closer to "the moment of truth" in all this IVF stuff, I find myself asking Him often to give me a sign or a heads up if He doesn't want us to continue. I ask Him to protect my heart and start now if this is all to end in heartbreak. But instead of diverting us, He's giving us the GREEN light all the way. If I told you all the ways He has answered my prayers even in the last few days, it would be a novel I tell ya. He answered my prayer with yesterday's appointment when He so easily could have disallowed my estrogen to drop. That would have derailed this whole thing. Instead He has orchestrated this perfect little scenario and everything has been smooth sailing. He's put a peace in both of our hearts about this. No matter what, He's got this...
So be praying for us in the coming weeks. This is what we've both been waiting and working for. Jonathan's boards, our stim week, and our retrieval and fertilization. In 2 weeks or less we will be PARENTS! Even if it *is* only to our tiny little embabies. We love you all so much and your support has been tireless. I thank my God each time I remember each of you and how you've been such pivotal and influential parts of our journey. What lucky, lucky people we are. So blessed!
So in closing...I intend to "Stim Like a Champ" starting Saturday. Here's to basketball sized ovaries! ;)
Monday, August 4, 2014
Clarity
I had a sweet friend tell me a few weeks ago that she admires my "clarity of mind" when it comes to dealing with this IVF situation. I've had several others tell me that they feel like I'm going into this with my eyes wide open...ready for any outcome, good or bad. I think years of dealing with infertility have afforded me those positive outcomes for this part of our journey. So many failed attempts at fertility treatments have taught me not to lose sight of the fact that a negative pregnancy test is a definite possibility in all of this. I'm trying not to get caught up in the deliriously heady image in my mind that one month from TODAY I could see two pink lines for the first time in 5 years!
But yes...through the fog of excitement and anticipation, I am keeping both feet firmly planted on the ground. Though we will be devastated if this doesn't work this time, we will not be back at square one. What I keep telling people is that at the end of all of this, we will either have a legitimate pregnancy or at least options. Neither of which have we ever had in all of these years. And *that* fact brings in that peace that passes all understanding. God is creating something here. We hope, hope, hope that He's creating an opportunity for us to be parents. But we KNOW that no matter what, He's creating life. He's guiding our doctors' and embryologists' hands as we speak. And in a short 16 days or less, He will be breathing life into our little embabies.
I told a friend this morning that I get an adrenaline rush every time I think about getting those calls from Connie telling us how our embryos are growing. Y'all seriously...I get teary eyed just thinking about it! For a woman like me who has never experienced 40 weeks of a pregnancy...a woman who has never gazed into the eyes of my newborn...just the idea of multiplying LIVING cells created from my cells and Jonathan's cells is ridiculously awesome. It'll be the closest I've been since the loss of our one miracle pregnancy to being a mommy for real. And if you're one of those people who thinks "science has taken the Divinity out of creating life"...shame on you. We could have the world's most qualified doctors and embryologists...but it still takes GOD to create life. And that's what will be happening behind the doors of the OU Repro Lab here in a few days.
It dawned on me the other day as Jonathan and I were filling out and signing our "consent forms" that we are already having to make parenting decisions. We have to inform the clinic about our intentions for our embryos in all of these possible life scenarios. For the record, we have decided that if we come to the end of our parenting journey satisfied with our outcome and we *still* have embryos frozen (or if something were to happen to me and Jonathan), they will be being donated (or adopted out) to other couples in need. The idea of us going through what we've been through to become parents and *still* being able to pay it forward and bless someone else's life in this way is very humbling. And it makes my heart oh so very happy to think I could do that for someone else in all of this. Again...His power made perfect in my weakness!
So off we go! We have an appointment Wednesday and from what I hear from some of my "IVF veterans", those 10 days of stim drugs before the retrieval FLY by. We are officially in the 4 weeks of this year that we've been anticipating since January. Jonathan takes his USMLE Step 1 on Sunday, we start stim injections on the Saturday before that, and in 16 days we will be the parents of embryos if all goes well. Keep your prayers coming. They are definitely felt and appreciated! We can't wait to see what the month of August is going to bring!
Monday, July 28, 2014
Forgiveness for "Bad Behavior"
Last night I took my first injection. No biggie...it was just a subcutaneous Lupron injection so I barely felt it at all. But something tells me these next 4 weeks are going to fly by now that we've started this part of all of this. I've only got 7 more birth control pills to take and then that part will be over. Though it's a little daunting to think I'll be getting a shot every day for the next 30 days and on some days I'll be taking up to 5 shots at a time. Yikes! It'll all be worth it I know...
A sweet friend of mine asked me Saturday if I was ready for our IVF process to really start. And I told her that I couldn't really pinpoint how I was feeling. It's part nervous, part excited, but really what makes it so hard to verbalize is that I'm feeling really peaceful about it. It's almost like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop because I'm so relaxed going into this process. I definitely think that's by design...
God has really been giving me the "I Told You So" lately. He's reminding me of all those times I cried and screamed at Him for not hearing me and not answering my prayers. He's showing me how He has so perfectly orchestrated this situation and how long He's been working on it. He brought people into my life 12-18 years ago who were designed specifically to be part of my support system today. How incredible is that?? He's been behind the scenes all along just working out this perfect scenario for us. My heart skips a beat when I remember how my friend Sarah W. and I met in college. How at the time it was such a crazy easy relationship to fall into. How it was almost as though we were cut from the same mold! And now today how, despite my screw ups along the way and my "bad friend behavior" in my more immature years, God has STILL worked things for good. He brought her back into my life, restored our friendship, and made her one of my cornerstone supporters. Be still my heart...oh how my God loves me!
He has forgiven me for my "bad sister behavior" too and has brought my Amanda back into my life in such a HUGELY impactful way. Again...my heart can't contain all these blessings y'all. I don't know what today would look like if I wasn't getting my daily Amanda fix. And I seriously don't know if I would have such a perfect peace about moving forward with all of this if my relationship with her was as fractured as it was just a short few months ago. He is a God of restoration...a God of second chances...and He works ALL things for good. He let me grow through all of this and right now today I am more prepared...more ready to be a mommy than I ever have been. Piece by piece He is righting the wrongs and forgiving my imperfections and loving me just so perfectly. What more could I ask for??
So shot by shot, pill by pill, day by day...we are just walking through these open doors. I thank God every day for what He has already done and what He is going to do in these coming weeks. I'm excited to move forward. It's a little surreal to think that in 3 weeks time we'll be getting calls about our little embabies in the lab. I can't tell you how pumped I am about that. My little babies will be growing...we've waited SOOOO long for this!
So say prayers for peace for me and Jonathan. He also will be taking his medical board exam on August 10th, so prayers for that are much appreciated as well. August will be a big month for us y'all! And while you're at it, don't forget to thank God for what He WILL do in YOUR life. If it's anything like what He's doing in mine right now, He deserves as much thanks as you can muster...
A sweet friend of mine asked me Saturday if I was ready for our IVF process to really start. And I told her that I couldn't really pinpoint how I was feeling. It's part nervous, part excited, but really what makes it so hard to verbalize is that I'm feeling really peaceful about it. It's almost like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop because I'm so relaxed going into this process. I definitely think that's by design...
God has really been giving me the "I Told You So" lately. He's reminding me of all those times I cried and screamed at Him for not hearing me and not answering my prayers. He's showing me how He has so perfectly orchestrated this situation and how long He's been working on it. He brought people into my life 12-18 years ago who were designed specifically to be part of my support system today. How incredible is that?? He's been behind the scenes all along just working out this perfect scenario for us. My heart skips a beat when I remember how my friend Sarah W. and I met in college. How at the time it was such a crazy easy relationship to fall into. How it was almost as though we were cut from the same mold! And now today how, despite my screw ups along the way and my "bad friend behavior" in my more immature years, God has STILL worked things for good. He brought her back into my life, restored our friendship, and made her one of my cornerstone supporters. Be still my heart...oh how my God loves me!
He has forgiven me for my "bad sister behavior" too and has brought my Amanda back into my life in such a HUGELY impactful way. Again...my heart can't contain all these blessings y'all. I don't know what today would look like if I wasn't getting my daily Amanda fix. And I seriously don't know if I would have such a perfect peace about moving forward with all of this if my relationship with her was as fractured as it was just a short few months ago. He is a God of restoration...a God of second chances...and He works ALL things for good. He let me grow through all of this and right now today I am more prepared...more ready to be a mommy than I ever have been. Piece by piece He is righting the wrongs and forgiving my imperfections and loving me just so perfectly. What more could I ask for??
So shot by shot, pill by pill, day by day...we are just walking through these open doors. I thank God every day for what He has already done and what He is going to do in these coming weeks. I'm excited to move forward. It's a little surreal to think that in 3 weeks time we'll be getting calls about our little embabies in the lab. I can't tell you how pumped I am about that. My little babies will be growing...we've waited SOOOO long for this!
So say prayers for peace for me and Jonathan. He also will be taking his medical board exam on August 10th, so prayers for that are much appreciated as well. August will be a big month for us y'all! And while you're at it, don't forget to thank God for what He WILL do in YOUR life. If it's anything like what He's doing in mine right now, He deserves as much thanks as you can muster...
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
And So It Begins...
Alright folks...the party has started! I got my medications in the mail today. Take a look at my "haul":
I've never been prescribed this much medication in my life, so it's a little overwhelming. But looking at all of it just reminds me that we are just a few weeks away from retrieval and transfer. I can't help but imagine the phone calls we will be getting from Connie soon telling us how our little embabies are growing. I have a feeling I will be in love with them the minute I know they're there! As a matter of fact, I've been feeling frequently on the verge of tears lately. Actually broke into a near sob at dinner with my parents in law tonight just talking about waiting on God and trying to listen to Him. It's just becoming so real and subsequently SO heavy. So soon we will be closer to a pregnancy than we have EVER been. The gravity of that is hitting home so intensely...more intensely every day. And the fact that my babies are so close to being here...just yanks my heartstrings y'all. My eyes are brimming right now actually...
We have decided to do what Dr. Hansen refers to as a split conventional/ICSI treatment. Meaning the embryologist and lab technicians will be fertilizing half my eggs conventionally (that means the eggs go in a dish and they put the sperm next to them and allow them to be fertilized just as they would in my body). The other half will be fertilized via ICSI (intro cytoplasmic sperm injection) which means they will be selecting a single sperm and injecting it right into the individual eggs. Dr. Hansen has recommended this route for us for 2 reasons. 1) Because my ovarian reserves are so high (upwards of 36 follicles or more ready to become healthy eggs), he wants to make sure that all of them get touched by sperm in some way. It's a little unrealistic to think that one "sample" from Jonathan would be enough to go around and fertilize nearly 40 eggs at once..., and 2) Since Jonathan and I have "unexplained infertility" even after all of the tests we've done at OU, there's a possibility that there might be a problem with fertilization. Meaning maybe the shells of my eggs are too thick or something of that sort. So doing the ICSI on half the eggs ensures that even if there has been an issue with conventional fertilization of my eggs all these years, we will have plenty of fertilized eggs to work with...
We feel really good about his recommendation and we are excited to see what happens next. Dr. Hansen and Connie both were very pleased with my body's reaction to the Sonohystogram and to the mock transfer. They've been VERY pleased with my hormone markers and my ovarian reserves. They are perfectly happy with Jonathan's results as well. Both of them have expressed as much confidence in the success of this process as they possibly can. Right now there are seemingly no roadblocks to this being a complete success. The only things standing in the way of us having a successful transfer and hopeful pregnancy is just my body's reaction to the ovarian stimulation medications and our little embabies growth in the lab...
I really can't believe it is already time for all of this to start. We have just been so overwhelmed by all of your support and thoughts and prayers. We've been bowled over by how easy this has all been. All of my fears up until this point have been eased with great test results and pain free procedures. My prayer through all of this is that if at any point God wanted us to to turn around and not do this, He would make it very obvious. And likewise, if He wants us to continue, to provide an easy and smooth path for us to take. So far it has been the latter, and there have already been 3-4 times that I've been brought to tears because of how relieved I am at the results of our tests. Y'all...my cup overflows!
July 27th is the first injection I will take (that's THIS Sunday!!) and I will continue taking injections in increasing numbers all the way up until our retrieval on or near the 20th of August. And then we will continue taking progesterone in oil injections until the transfer and until we find out if we are pregnant. If we are, I will continue those injections until 10 weeks of pregnancy. Obviously we are hoping to be taking those progesterone shots for a long time! Say prayers for mild side effects. I'm prepared for them, but it would be nice to not turn into The Rachel From the Black Lagoon during all this... But I make no promises...
I've never been prescribed this much medication in my life, so it's a little overwhelming. But looking at all of it just reminds me that we are just a few weeks away from retrieval and transfer. I can't help but imagine the phone calls we will be getting from Connie soon telling us how our little embabies are growing. I have a feeling I will be in love with them the minute I know they're there! As a matter of fact, I've been feeling frequently on the verge of tears lately. Actually broke into a near sob at dinner with my parents in law tonight just talking about waiting on God and trying to listen to Him. It's just becoming so real and subsequently SO heavy. So soon we will be closer to a pregnancy than we have EVER been. The gravity of that is hitting home so intensely...more intensely every day. And the fact that my babies are so close to being here...just yanks my heartstrings y'all. My eyes are brimming right now actually...
We have decided to do what Dr. Hansen refers to as a split conventional/ICSI treatment. Meaning the embryologist and lab technicians will be fertilizing half my eggs conventionally (that means the eggs go in a dish and they put the sperm next to them and allow them to be fertilized just as they would in my body). The other half will be fertilized via ICSI (intro cytoplasmic sperm injection) which means they will be selecting a single sperm and injecting it right into the individual eggs. Dr. Hansen has recommended this route for us for 2 reasons. 1) Because my ovarian reserves are so high (upwards of 36 follicles or more ready to become healthy eggs), he wants to make sure that all of them get touched by sperm in some way. It's a little unrealistic to think that one "sample" from Jonathan would be enough to go around and fertilize nearly 40 eggs at once..., and 2) Since Jonathan and I have "unexplained infertility" even after all of the tests we've done at OU, there's a possibility that there might be a problem with fertilization. Meaning maybe the shells of my eggs are too thick or something of that sort. So doing the ICSI on half the eggs ensures that even if there has been an issue with conventional fertilization of my eggs all these years, we will have plenty of fertilized eggs to work with...
We feel really good about his recommendation and we are excited to see what happens next. Dr. Hansen and Connie both were very pleased with my body's reaction to the Sonohystogram and to the mock transfer. They've been VERY pleased with my hormone markers and my ovarian reserves. They are perfectly happy with Jonathan's results as well. Both of them have expressed as much confidence in the success of this process as they possibly can. Right now there are seemingly no roadblocks to this being a complete success. The only things standing in the way of us having a successful transfer and hopeful pregnancy is just my body's reaction to the ovarian stimulation medications and our little embabies growth in the lab...
I really can't believe it is already time for all of this to start. We have just been so overwhelmed by all of your support and thoughts and prayers. We've been bowled over by how easy this has all been. All of my fears up until this point have been eased with great test results and pain free procedures. My prayer through all of this is that if at any point God wanted us to to turn around and not do this, He would make it very obvious. And likewise, if He wants us to continue, to provide an easy and smooth path for us to take. So far it has been the latter, and there have already been 3-4 times that I've been brought to tears because of how relieved I am at the results of our tests. Y'all...my cup overflows!
July 27th is the first injection I will take (that's THIS Sunday!!) and I will continue taking injections in increasing numbers all the way up until our retrieval on or near the 20th of August. And then we will continue taking progesterone in oil injections until the transfer and until we find out if we are pregnant. If we are, I will continue those injections until 10 weeks of pregnancy. Obviously we are hoping to be taking those progesterone shots for a long time! Say prayers for mild side effects. I'm prepared for them, but it would be nice to not turn into The Rachel From the Black Lagoon during all this... But I make no promises...
Monday, July 14, 2014
What the Heck is an ART Screening??
Back from a fabulous 4 days in NYC with my mama. It was the perfect MUCH needed trip for the two of us and one that was so much fun, we are gonna make it a "tradition". If you're looking for something fun to do with your daughters moms...go to NYC! See some shows in Broadway, do some shopping, just enjoy each others' company. It couldn't have gone any better! Gave me just the perfect amount of distraction to get me to this ART screening today without anxiety. I'm ready dude!
So what the heck is an ART screening you ask?? Well...in short it's the appointment that kicks everything off. First of all, Dr. Hansen dedicates 2 hours of his afternoon to me and Jonathan. He has spent the last month gathering information about our case, looking at blood test results, analyzing Jonathan's "contribution", and he will have a plan ready for us to discuss. Jonathan and I have a whole giant list of questions to get answered before we get started. The "consultation" will last around 45 minutes or so and we will leave that part of the appointment with a clear cut plan for our treatment.
Next I will be taken in for yet another panel of blood work. They're checking my hormone levels and what not to see how I've responded to birth control and decide what dose of Lupron I will need to take to suppress my natural ovulation. Then I will have what's called a "baseline ultrasound". This is just a normal ultrasound like I've had before. They will count my ovarian reserves again and check my lining and all that fun stuff.
Then they'll do what's called a sonohystogram. This is the procedure that has scared me all along. See, Jonathan and I have never been able to pinpoint the reason for our infertility. Nothing has ever presented itself. This procedure will be a first for me. Basically they will fill my uterus up with sterile saline and then do an ultrasound. This gives Dr. Hansen a minimally invasive but pretty comprehensive look at what is inside of my uterus. What he'll be looking for are things that could hinder implantation of our little embryos. That could be anything from a lining that is too thick and in need of a D&C to polyps or fibroids that will need removal. As Dr. Hansen puts it, in an attempt to put my mind at ease, there are no indications up until this point that would lead him to believe there could be a problem revealed here. However if they *do* find small polyps or fibroids that haven't ever shown up on ultrasound, they will immediately put me under light anesthesia and go in via hysteroscope and take them out. Dr. Hansen and Connie both assure me that even if they do find something, the recovery time will not hinder our August retrieval and transfer plans. Since nothing big has shown up on ultrasound, the likelihood of them finding something really adverse is low. But I'm still pretty nervous about that part...
Lastly, he'll do what's called a "mock transfer". This is where he will practice the transfer procedure he'll be using to transfer our fertilized embryos in a few weeks. He'll be checking the length and bore of the catheter they'll be using and they'll be looking to see how my body reacts to decide whether they'll need to give me something to keep me from cramping up during the real transfer.
Basically, today is a big day for us. Not *quite* as big as retrieval and transfer days, but big nonetheless. If you're the praying type, pray for peace for me. I'm a little nervous and there are lots of procedures happening today. I need some peace and calm going into this appointment this afternoon! But after today, we are on our way folks. We will order our medication and syringes today and start injections on the 27th of this month. We are very excited and very ready for this ball to really start rolling! Here we go!
So what the heck is an ART screening you ask?? Well...in short it's the appointment that kicks everything off. First of all, Dr. Hansen dedicates 2 hours of his afternoon to me and Jonathan. He has spent the last month gathering information about our case, looking at blood test results, analyzing Jonathan's "contribution", and he will have a plan ready for us to discuss. Jonathan and I have a whole giant list of questions to get answered before we get started. The "consultation" will last around 45 minutes or so and we will leave that part of the appointment with a clear cut plan for our treatment.
Next I will be taken in for yet another panel of blood work. They're checking my hormone levels and what not to see how I've responded to birth control and decide what dose of Lupron I will need to take to suppress my natural ovulation. Then I will have what's called a "baseline ultrasound". This is just a normal ultrasound like I've had before. They will count my ovarian reserves again and check my lining and all that fun stuff.
Then they'll do what's called a sonohystogram. This is the procedure that has scared me all along. See, Jonathan and I have never been able to pinpoint the reason for our infertility. Nothing has ever presented itself. This procedure will be a first for me. Basically they will fill my uterus up with sterile saline and then do an ultrasound. This gives Dr. Hansen a minimally invasive but pretty comprehensive look at what is inside of my uterus. What he'll be looking for are things that could hinder implantation of our little embryos. That could be anything from a lining that is too thick and in need of a D&C to polyps or fibroids that will need removal. As Dr. Hansen puts it, in an attempt to put my mind at ease, there are no indications up until this point that would lead him to believe there could be a problem revealed here. However if they *do* find small polyps or fibroids that haven't ever shown up on ultrasound, they will immediately put me under light anesthesia and go in via hysteroscope and take them out. Dr. Hansen and Connie both assure me that even if they do find something, the recovery time will not hinder our August retrieval and transfer plans. Since nothing big has shown up on ultrasound, the likelihood of them finding something really adverse is low. But I'm still pretty nervous about that part...
Lastly, he'll do what's called a "mock transfer". This is where he will practice the transfer procedure he'll be using to transfer our fertilized embryos in a few weeks. He'll be checking the length and bore of the catheter they'll be using and they'll be looking to see how my body reacts to decide whether they'll need to give me something to keep me from cramping up during the real transfer.
Basically, today is a big day for us. Not *quite* as big as retrieval and transfer days, but big nonetheless. If you're the praying type, pray for peace for me. I'm a little nervous and there are lots of procedures happening today. I need some peace and calm going into this appointment this afternoon! But after today, we are on our way folks. We will order our medication and syringes today and start injections on the 27th of this month. We are very excited and very ready for this ball to really start rolling! Here we go!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)