Perspective

Do you ever feel like just when things are going perfectly wonderful in your world, something happens that makes it all come to a screeching halt?  For me, this tends to happen right before and usually not too long after some big blessing happens in my life.  Satan usually pitches something really crappy at me to make me lose my focus, I regain it and receive all the wonderful things God had in store for me, and then not long after that Satan does something else to steal my perspective and make me feel like everything is crashing down around me...

What does it mean to "claim His promises"?  For me, right now today, it means putting my hand on my growing belly and saying, "Thank you God.  You did this, you can can do anything."  Matthew 10:29 says (in The Message translation):

 “What’s the price of a pet canary? Some loose change, right? And God cares what happens to it even more than you do. He pays even greater attention to you, down to the last detail—even numbering the hairs on your head! So don’t be intimidated by all this bully talk. You’re worth more than a million canaries..."

And today, after pulling up in my driveway after one of the worst mornings ever (dealing with being basically thieved out of $800+ by Enterprise for renting a car for 5 days while we figured out our long term car solution...long story not worth telling or putting myself in a tailspin about again...), I said to God, "I can feel my baby kicking and moving in my belly.  I can hear that sweet heartbeat.  You have created life inside of me and are sustaining it as we speak.  I have no money left.  I have a fridge with nothing more than bare essentials in it.  I have a stressed husband who is wading his way through the most demanding clinical rotation of his cores.  I have 6 more weeks before I get more money in my account.  And I'm out of ideas.  So I'm claiming your promise that You will provide for my every need.  I will not go hungry, my sweet little baby will continue to grow happy and healthy completely unaware of the unrest its Mommy and Daddy are feeling right now, and if we keep pressing forward in this endeavor that YOU have ordained, You've promised to provide."


He WILL provide what we need.  He WILL make sure my baby is safe.  He WILL make sure my husband is healthy.  And all of this turmoil and unrest and uncertainty is only for a time.  In due time, we will be able to breath again.  We will look at our bank account and not have a panic attack.  We will be in our own place preparing for our sweet baby's arrival.  We will anticipate the overwhelming blessings that are to come in the following months and years and decades.  And in maybe even as little as 3 years, we will look back on this whirlwind of crap that we lived through and laugh and say, "Wow.  THAT was a doozy!", but we'll be no worse for the wear because of it.  As a matter of fact, we'll be better.  

We are still walking through that refining fire.  Maybe we always will be.  Maybe that's what life is supposed to be.  Maybe we are supposed to be constantly changing, growing, improving, learning.  And when our work here in the "refining fire" is done, He'll create the ultimate change in us...CHANGING us from Glory into Glory.  Until then, we remain His good and faithful servants.  His perfectly imperfect creations which He would never allow to come to ruin.  So we're reaching, God.  We're claiming Your promises.  This growing life in my body is a testament to Your unfailing Love and Power, and today I need a little drop of that Divinity to quench this dry land we are walking on...

Water into Wine...

**UPDATE AS OF 8:15 TONIGHT--Aaaand...He answers my prayers again.  So faithful, so loving, so constant.  Oh how He loves me...**

Why NOT To Be a Whiney Pregnant Lady

So in light of my many meltdowns this week, I decided I needed to do a little blogging about what my world has looked like as of late.  I don't want anyone to get it twisted...when I say "I'm SO sick of this!", it in NO way references the beautiful little baby growing in my belly.  For so many years it used to bug the heck outta me to read about pregnant women always complaining about pregnancy symptoms and "how awful it is to be pregnant".  Still irritates me, even when the complaining about pregnancy symptoms comes out of my own mouth.  The honest truth is that I am willingly taking all the aches and pains, all the nausea, all the weight gain, all the EVERYTHING, because it means in May I get my baby.  I am over the moon excited about our sweet little one's arrival!

Expecting a baby brings on other worries, though.  And if you know me, you know I'm a worrier.  I'm fairly certain it runs in my genes.  I think I'm maybe the only one of the 4 of us in my immediate family that got the worry gene, but let me tell ya...I got it full force.  So this week I've been worrying about a myriad of things...

1) Our clunker of a car, which was all we could afford to buy, decided to blow a turn rod on Saturday.  It is our one car.  And the cost to repair it is nearly $800.  Commence worrying...

2) It's the end of the semester, therefor the end of our money.  This is nothing new.  Happens every semester since we are 2 people living on money meant to last 1 person 4 months.  Add in medical expenses.  Commence worrying...

3) We are temporarily living in a room in our landlord's house.  We have limited access to the kitchen, and we sleep on two twin beds pushed together.  I want to start putting together the HOME we will bring our little one home to, even though I know May is still 6 months away.  I am anxious about finding the right place, in the right neighborhood, with enough space.  I am anxious to get our stuff out of storage and in our possession again.  Commence worrying...

And on, and on, and on.  It's always hard to center myself when this feeling sets in, even though the precedent that has been set is that no matter how worried or stressed we get in times like these, things always seem to work out.  And Jonathan and I are resourceful.  I always find work, find ways to save, etc., and we make it just fine into the next semester.  This is nothing new.  Though the prospect of adding a baby into the mix...well sometimes the reality of that is a little heavy for me.  Even though I know in my heart that God will provide for us and our little nugget.  In May, no matter how poor we may or may not be, we will have our sweet precious perfect baby to be in awe of.  And all will be right in the world...even if for only a little while...

Sometimes the only thing that talks me off my ledge is reminding myself that we are on the downhill slope of this "being poor" thing.  We are 30 months or less away from beginning a residency.  Making money, big money (at least for us), that we won't have to eventually pay back.  I am well aware that residency income is not "great" income.  But coming from 6+ years of little to nothing, a residency income will feel like we are millionaires.  And our sweet baby won't remember these years of struggling.  By the time this baby has the capacity to store memories, Jonathan will be in a residency. Long hours at the hospital will be short lived, and we will no longer be living on student loans.  Oh man, that picture helps me take a deep breath and center.  Just a few more years, just a few more semesters, and our world will change forever in 6 months.  This is what was meant for us.  This is our path.  This is our journey.  And even though I may not be all that graceful while I'm walking it, I'm committed to doing this right, doing right by my sweet baby, and coming out of this successful.  In 10 years we will look back on these years and say, "We just wouldn't be the same if we hadn't gone through that..."

Just keep swimming...

What Being Pregnant is Like for Me

I am already miraculously 14 weeks pregnant.  Already through that first trimester...a 3rd of the way through my pregnancy!  Baby Womack, being the overachiever that our little nugget is, is actually gestationally about a week beyond what my LMP dictates.  So really, baby is about 15 weeks big.  The size of a navel orange...4 inches from crown to rump and 2.5 ounces!  I frequently feel my little peanut wiggling around inside my belly.  Baby is particularly active on my way home from dropping Jonathan off at the hospital in the mornings and when I finally lay down and relax in bed at night.  We can hear the heartbeat loud and clear on our handheld Doppler and my little nugget particularly likes the left side of my uterus.  Always seems to be snuggled up on that side and my Doppler picks up the heartbeat on that side nearly every single time.

For years I have dreamed about what it would be like to be pregnant.  What would a growing belly feel like?  Would I be like my mom and not really have nausea at all, or more like my grandmother who got sick by just having her hands in dishwater?  What weird cravings would I have?  Would I be terrified the whole first trimester?  So now that I'm here, my pregnancy is as unique as the sweet baby growing inside me.  Here's what being pregnant has been like for me...

"Morning" Sickness
Thankfully this has subsided some in this second trimester, however the first 12 1/2 weeks were a little brutal.  Thankfully I only threw up a handful of times, and one of those times was triggered by my superhuman sense of smell.  But the worst part of pregnancy nausea for me happened at dinner time.  I would be starving, order whatever sounded good (my choices were pretty limited), and by the time it got to me I could only force one or two bites down without feeling like it would all come back up.  The only two things that I could always eat without feeling sick (even when I felt like throwing up) were pickles or salads.  Now in week 14, I dry heave almost every morning.  I hurt Jonathan's heart the other day because my dry heaving turned into a frantic attempt to grab a Walmart sack to puke into while I was still in bed...

Superhuman Smell
I've always had a weird "smeller", but now that I'm pregnant I smell EVERYTHING.  And I mean everything.  On the flight here to Miami, a woman sat next to me and I swear I could smell everything she'd eaten, everywhere she'd been, and everything in her purse.  And let me tell you, NONE of it was pleasant.  I had to make sure there was a barf bag in the seat in front of me just in case...

Food Cravings
Thankfully I haven't had any weird off the wall cravings.  My friend Sara craved the smell of sponges, my sister Amanda craved potato chips in mustard, and I've read some crazy stories of women wanting things like guacamole with tuna fish over vanilla ice cream!  I don't have weird cravings, but baby ALWAYS wants salads with any kind of vinaigrette dressings, pickles, and red velvet cake.  Specifically red velvet cake with cream cheese frosting.  So right now in my life, if you want to be my best friend (or if you want to bribe me in some way), just bring me one of those 3 things and you'll be promoted to sainthood...

Exhaustion
Again, this has subsided some in this second trimester, but for the first 12 weeks, I simply HAD to have a nap every day around 3:00.  I would get to the point where I couldn't even follow a conversation or form full thoughts in the middle of the day.  I've regained some of my energy now, but I still feel sleepy after lunch and by about 9:00 at night I'm ready to pack it in.  Which works really well actually since Jonathan and I have a 4:15 AM wake up call these days...

Ringing Ears
This increased blood volume has some pretty weird side effects.  My ears ring several times a day lately.  At the beginning of the pregnancy, there was this weird thumping inside my ears like someone was knocking on my eardrums.  I am also frequently out of breath.  Just walking up the stairs requires a break afterwards.  Sometimes I even get out of breath when I walk for long distances.  The veins on my hands and feet look subhuman.  But miraculously, my blood pressure has not increased really at all from what is normal for me.  It stays stable at 100/70.  I just think that's amazing.  The fact that I've got more than twice the amount of blood in my body, but the pressure stays the same is incredible...

A New Experience of Love
I can't explain this fully.  I loved this baby the minute I knew he/she was a growing embryo at OU.  I loved our nugget more when I knew he/she was strong and ready enough to be transferred into my uterus.  More still once I knew they were inside of me.  Overwhelmingly more when I saw that beautiful little heartbeat.  Still more when I saw my baby moving and growing.  Miraculously still more as I've seen his/her little personality shine through on ultrasound.  My angel already has a little personality, little mannerisms, preferences, comforts.  Baby and I have little conversations throughout the day and I tell him/her how excited I am to be his/her mommy, how much I can't wait to meet him/her.  I tell our little peanut how special he/she is and how much his/her Daddy loves him/her.  But I know that the love I know right now for this precious baby is minuscule compared to what it will be maybe even next week.  And for this reason, I can't fathom what it will be like to see those beautiful baby eyes in person, smell that intoxicating baby smell on MY baby (I actually smell it some already...I think it's seeping from my pores), touch those tiny little fingers and toes, kiss that precious head and those perfect little cheeks.  I have imagined that moment for years, but now that I'm a short 6 months or less from that being a reality for me is just overwhelmingly exciting.  I can imagine the moment, but I know that I can't even wrap my brain around the love I will feel when I see this little one for the first time.  The love I feel now when I feel this little peanut kicking and wiggling inside of me is HUGE, but it doesn't touch how much love I will feel when the weight of this miracle is actually in my arms for real.  An experience of love that is new every day for me...I'm a mommy now...and every day I get closer to May I experience a little more and a little more of that love...

Somebody Pinch Me...

First of all...a giant THANK YOU to Elise Strickland for doing our announcement VIDEO for us.  As you can tell, we've been working on it for several months (hence the footage from Dominica!).  It really is just perfect, and it's something we will cherish for the rest of our lives.  We hope you loved it as much as we do!

That being said, we are SUPER happy to be officially announcing that WE ARE PREGNANT!!!  It's been a whirlwind few months in the Womack world.  Let me lay out how the events have unfolded:

Wednesday 9/3/2014- I wake up at 7:15 and mull over taking a pregnancy test for an hour until my friend Sara finally talked me into it.  I walked in, took the test, it was immediately negative so I tossed the test.  About 30 minutes later Jonathan got his official scores for his USMLE Step 1 (which he TOTALLY blew out of the water!!).  Right after that I went to take a shower and decided to check the test in the garbage to make sure it was negative.  Lo and behold...there in the garbage was a POSITIVE test!  I grabbed the instructions and realized I hadn't waited the prescribed 3 minutes.  It was POSITIVE!!  I didn't believe it!

Thursday 9/4/2014-We got our first blood draw to check my hCG levels.  We were looking for them to be at least about 5, but ideally somewhere between 25 and 40.  Mine were 158!

Friday 9/5/2014-Jonathan heads south to Miami to start his IMF semester.  :(

Monday 9/8/2014-I had my second hCG blood draw.  We were looking for them to be somewhere around 750 give or take.  Mine were 1100!!

Thursday 9/25/2014-Our first ultrasound was scheduled for 3:30.  It was like a party in that tiny little room, y'all.  My mom had come up to OKC for the momentous event, so in that little 12x8 room was me, her, Bernice, my friend Angela (who shot all the footage from the doctor's office visits for us!), Dr. Hansen, and an OU nurse (Connie was out and Amber and Kisha were attending other patients).  But on FaceTime was Jonathan on my phone, Sara on Bernice's phone, and my sister Amanda on my mom's phone (Angie was filming on hers).  Poor Dr. Hansen was a little stressed I think, but he was a good sport about it.  He was visibly relieved when he started the scan and 1) found only one precious little baby (he stresses about multiples in his profession...understandably so...), and 2) that it was perfectly formed, perfectly placed, and had the most perfect 158 heart beat!  It was literally the most amazing thing I've ever seen.  And I was overcome with emotions.  Hearing and seeing that tiny little heart beating...that itty bitty BABY growing inside of me brought me to tears.  The most beautiful thing I'd ever seen!  And I got the chance to tell Dr. Hansen how very grateful we are to him and for his practice and his expertise.  He had a pivotal hand in making our dreams come true.  Thank you just didn't cut it.  And even though he is not a very emotionally demonstrative man, I could tell he was doing the equivalent of jumping up and down for us.  It's not often he gets to deliver such perfect news on the first try.  He and I and Jonathan are so keenly aware of how miraculous this has all been and just how lucky we are.  My cup overflows!

So our next ultrasound was scheduled for October 8th.  I would be exactly 9 weeks along at that point.  In the meantime, I waded through (and I'm still wading through) early pregnancy.  Nausea almost every morning, but rarely throwing up (thank goodness!).  PURE EXHAUSTION (which honestly started about 3 days post transfer...baby Womack must have snuggled in pretty quick!).  Food aversions and cravings (I've blown through an ungodly number of pickle jars in the last 6 weeks, but even the thought of eggs makes me want to hurl).  And my boobs don't look like they belong to me anymore.  You know, they've been chomping at the bit to do this job for years...they tried to start early which is part of why I wasn't ovulating for so long.  Now that they have the go ahead they are on like donkey kong.  My bras just can't keep up!

But y'all...ultrasound #2...I just can't even describe it.  I have watched the video literally about 20 times already...

10/8/2014-I baked some salted caramel butter bars to bring up to the OU office.  I figured it was the least I could do.  They *did* help make my baby AND they essentially got me pregnant.  And of course it's no surprise that gift giving is my love language.   I was ecstatic to find out that my sweet Connie was there.  I was so excited that she was gonna get to see baby Womack in action since this was our last appointment for a good long while!  This time it was just me and Bernice and Jonathan on FaceTime.  Dr. Hansen was a lot more relaxed this time.  He started the scan and as soon as the baby was fully on the screen, you could see it wiggling and waving like CRAZY!!  And it looked like an actual baby in there!!  Moving its little hands and feet, wiggling it's little booty...oh my gosh ADORABLE!!  And the little heart was quivering away.  We took a listen and it was 176!!!!  Dr. Hansen says that's the fastest it will be in pregnancy and it will slow down to between 120 and 160 here in a few weeks.  It's little fingers and toes were already forming, and we could even see the brain and both the hemispheres already developed and getting bigger by the minute.  Just incredible y'all.  INCREDIBLE!

So there's where I leave you for now.  I'm SO excited to be back on the blog and out of radio silence.  I can't wait to update you on all things baby Womack including how my heart is overflowing with happiness.  Our little nugget is growing like a weed and May (our due date is 5/15/15) will be here before we know it!

I am SHOCKED!  This is what we've been dreaming of seeing for 5 years.  Is this real life???

Wee Wittle Baby Womack at 7 weeks 1 day!  The round part that looks like the head is actually the yolk sac.  Baby's head is up in the top part of the uterus facing the wall to the right.  It's a little hard to make out, I know, but it's still the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.  And that little microscopic heart was beating up a storm!

Baby Womack at 9 weeks 4 days.  My, my, my how Mommy's little nugget has grown in just 2 weeks!  We could hardly get the little peanut to hold still long enough to get a good picture.  Baby is waving and saying "Hi Mommy, Hi Daddy!  See you in May!"

And finally our little nugget at 14 weeks 1 day.  According to my pseudo LMP I'm only 13 weeks 2 days today (11/7/2014), but Baby Womack is a good 5-7 days ahead of that date.  Baby is weighing in at around an ounce and is nearly 3 1/2 inches from crown to cute little rump!  I'm amazed every time I see this little angel on ultrasound.  Now we can start making out features and everything!  Looks pretty clear to me that Baby Womack has my Harris nose and Jonathan's jawline and lips.  I can't help but assume this is the cutest kid in the universe...

Hello there, it's Jonathan...

Hey everyone, it's Jonathan. Enjoy.

A lot of people wonder what it’s like to go through IVF from the woman’s perspective. But not many people think about what we as men go through. The daily struggle, the sacrifice, the blood and sweat. It’s a serious burden we men take upon ourselves for the sake of our women. And in that spirit I’d like to share some of the experiences and yes, even feelings, I’ve had during this time. And I’d like to present it in the most profound way possible.

17 Things Everyone Should Know About the Silent Warriors of IVF (aka men)
(oh, and we’ve been watching a lot of New Girl lately…)

1) What baby making used to consist of:

2) Before IVF, my pickup lines were like:

3) And now we can’t have sex for how long?!:

4) Hearing words like “vagina” and “breast” from the doctor the first time I was like:

 

5) Now when I hear them I’m like:

6) Every time I try to joke with the nurses about my “collection” they’re like:

7) Trying to figure out all the dosages for all the shots and how to work the Follistim injector sometimes I feel like:

8) While Rachel is hopped up on like 82 hormones she’s like:

 and...

9) Trying to sympathize with Rachel’s roller coaster emotions I’m like:

 and...

10) Getting ready for my “collection” and trying to stay healthy I’m like:

 and...

11) Every time we see someone on Facebook complaining about her morning sickness we’re like:

12) When I realized that when we transfer two embryos we could actually end up with quadruplets I was like:

13) What I was afraid the “collection” room might be like while I made my “deposit”:

14) What our money situation would be like if it weren’t for IVF:

15) After my “collection” was a success I was like:

16) On transfer day when Rachel told me where she has to put the progesterone pill I was like:

17) But even after all these things, when we take that positive test I'll be like "BRING ON THOSE BABIES!!":

Oh, and I expect our baby shower to look exactly like that...

More Progesterone and A Whole Lotta Butt Sitting...

If you know me, you know the prospect of having to sit still for 3-5 days and do nothing is seemingly impossible.  But for the last nearly 72 hours I've been doing just that.  I've worn a butt imprint into this nice cozy chair in the living room and Jonathan and I have been watching college football and a marathon of Downton Abbey non-stop.  He's been cooking for me and caring for my every need and scolding me for standing for too long.  He tells me, "Sit yourself down in that chair and rest your pelvis!" which is exactly what has been prescribed...

On Friday morning I had this crazy super real seeming dream between those moments of sleeping and waking.  I heard what sounded like 2 people at my bedroom door banging and yelling, "Today is the day!  How can you still be sleeping?!" It was so vivid and convincing that I waited excitedly all day to see what all the fuss was about.  The only other time I've had such a vivid experience like that was the Morning I Knew.  Surely this was the same thing but with a happy ending this time!

 But I was terrified and also confused and disappointed when the only thing Friday brought was my first bout of spotting.  Seriously God?!  A friend of mine, before she heard about the spotting, messaged me and said "What if today is the day they implanted?  Does it take that long??".  Jonathan reassured me that this could totally be implantation bleeding.  He was actually excited!  I tried to push all the what ifs out of my mind.  Focus on the positives:

1) It was only slightly pink and the tiniest little bit...that's gotta count for something
2) I wasn't experiencing any cramps at all
3) Since I'm taking progesterone shots, spotting before an impending period is pretty unlikely

Steadily over the last few days, the spotting has nearly stopped and it was only pink the one time.  Sorry if that's a little TMI, but us TTC ladies read a lot into all this stuff!  I could sit here and say this is exactly how it's been every time I've been ready to start a period, but it's not.  Every time before, including the times I've been on progesterone, once it turns pink, it turns steadily more and more pink and then eventually red and then eventually Aunt Flo ensues.  Dr. Hansen did up my progesterone by 0.5 ml just in case.  That doesn't seem to really be contributing much to the spotting, so I'm hoping that Jonathan's suggestion that it's implantation spotting is true.  That wouldn't stop just from increased progesterone...

So from now until Thursday I'm sitting on my butt.  Which SUPER hard to do seeing as Jonathan and I are prepping to move to Miami.  Got an email THIS MORNING saying Jonathan has to report in Miami at 8:00 AM on Monday morning!!  So no matter what, positive or negative, Jonathan will be going without me I'm afraid.  I'll have to have a follow up appointment the following week if it's negative.  And if it's positive (fingers crossed!), I'll have to stay here until I'm at least 8 weeks along.  Judging by this spotting, I'm assuming Dr. Hansen will probably want me to stay put until at least 10 weeks along.  But we are trying to live in the now as much as we can.  Everything, literally everything, hinges on Thursday's test.  It's both exciting and also nerve wracking.  As it's been all along I suppose...

Keep praying or us and for our little ones.  I've been trying to remind myself and claim those promises He's made and also claim how faithful He's been through this whole process.  I still find it hard to believe this will end like it always has...in failure, but there's definitely that possibility.  Trying to keep my eyes on Him.  Not try and see the future...as much as I'd like to.  So when we come to your mind, send our names up to God please!  And conjure up our little embabies too...they need plenty of prayers and pep talks...they've got a big job to do!

Peace in the Waiting

Ugh!!!  Honestly, I'd take a million more shots in my belly if I could bypass this waiting part.  This is the worst y'all!  I am a bit of a hypochondriac by nature anyhow, so knowing I've got embryos in my belly makes me hyper aware of every twitch, cramp, pull, tug, and sensation going on in my body right now.  It's a tough place to be.  It's tough not to know.  I've never been pregnant before.  Not legitimately.  I have no idea what it's *supposed* to feel like to have a pregnancy implanted in the right place in my body.  Should I feel my uterus getting bigger?  Should my lower back hurt?  Should I have to pee all the time?  Should I be nauseated??  I'm not really feeling any of those, so does that mean I'm not pregnant???

Bottom line is that if I *am* pregnant, I'm no more than 5 days pregnant.  What woman experiences "early pregnancy signs" at 5 DAYS pregnant??  Maybe I'm experiencing something right now that with with my second pregnancy I'll recognize as a true "pregnancy symptom".  In the meantime, I feel fine.  Normal, even.  Which is saying a lot considering what my body has been through these last 8 weeks.  I even feel what I would consider "comfortable".  I don't have cramping, though the first day or so after transfer I had a little.  I'm chalking that up to residual hCG lingering from my trigger shot.  That is, after all, a giant dose of pregnancy hormones injected right into my lower belly.  It's supposed to linger a while.  It was probably that AND the fact that my body had very recently been through a surgery for crying out loud, and was also probably mellowing out after the transfer procedure.  And with these progesterone shots I feel extra tired...like every couple of hours a nap sounds like the perfect plan.  So really, any "symptoms" I'm having can be contributed to the hormones coursing through my body...either newly introduced or lingering from our treatment cycle...and/or my body recovering from the retrieval/transfer procedure...

On Tuesday we got the call from OU about our remaining 5 embryos.  We were supposed to get an update on their progress and they were supposed to tell us how many were being frozen.  Here's how the call went down:

(an MA in the clinic who I will not name): "Hi Rachel!  Just wanted to let you know that none of your embryos are being frozen.  Ok?"

(all chipper...her voice not at all matching the gravity of what she is saying)

Me: "Uh...ummm...ok...  Does that mean ALL of them are just done, or will you be reassessing tomorrow?  Or is that just it?"

(MA): "Ummm...hold on."

She puts me on hold, then comes back to the phone a few seconds later...

(MA): "Oops!  One of your embryos will be frozen.  Ok?"

Again...all chipper.  I was shell shocked and about to burst into tears so I said "Ok" and hung up.  Jonathan was on the phone with someone else at the time, so I tried to hold it in for a while.  Then I just lost it.  He panicked and hung up with the person he was talking to.  I could barely choke out what information I had been given.  So he called the clinic back and asked to talk with Connie.  Oh thank the Lord for that woman!  She gave us so much more information, apologized profusely, and gave me a HUGE peace of mind.  Generally speaking here's what we got from her:

-4 of our remaining 5 just weren't growing strong enough for them to feel confident they would survive the freezing, thawing, AND transferring process
-the 1 little fighter is a FABULOUS embryo!
-he's a 5AB which means he's pretty darn near perfect
-he's one stage away from hatching and one letter away from literal perfection
-the two little ones we transferred Saturday were an 8 cell and a 10 cell
-the 10 cell is a little overachiever!

That's pretty much the gist of it.  Connie said she's hoping and praying that we don't need to use our little snow baby for several years.  Of course we're hoping the same thing!  I was really sad about our other 4 embryos not making it.  I wasn't surprised about our one little runt, but the other 3 really caught me off guard.  But when I'd finally regained my composure (with lots of kisses and pep talks from Jonathan), I was led to this verse:

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  For I do not give as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." -John 14:27

It's that' "I do not give as the world gives" that He really wanted me to hear.  The world gives and takes in excess.  We find a pair of jeans we like, we buy 3 pair.  Our kids want a Frozen dress, we buy them a top of the line $200 get up.  There are 30 presents on the birthday gift table.  Etc., etc.  God doesn't give that way.  He gives lavishly, yes.  We've experienced that fully in these past few months. But He gives LOVE.  Not "stuff".  And He didn't need all 7 embryos to make our family.  He created what He intended to create.  Sent here to earth what He intended.  And he gathered the others to Himself.  One sweet day Jonathan and I will wrap our arms around all 5 of our sweet lost little ones.  But for now, He wants us to live in the present.  Not dwell on the past or fret over the future.  He wants us to live for TODAY.  And today...I have 2 angels in my tummy and 1 angel safe and secure at OU.  Today, I feel good.  Today I am not worried that my body or my God might forsake me.  Today, I'm content.  I'm right where He needs and wants me to be...

Next week will be a big week for us Womacks.  A life changing week no matter what.  We will take our Beta test on Thursday, Jonathan will get his test scores back at the end of the week, we will make a housing decision for Miami, and we will be in our last full week here in OKC before we start the next chapter.  A big week indeed!  So say some prayers for peace and calm.  Of course keep our little angels in your thoughts and prayers too.  Jonathan and I both tell them multiple times a day that they are SO dearly loved by us and by all of you!  We tell them to hang on for dear life and to grow big and strong.  We tell them we can't wait to meet them!  We will be keeping the results of our beta to ourselves for a little while.  We'll be relishing in the newness of it at first or wading through the sadness of a negative.  Either way, keep praying for us.  Soon and very soon!