So one of the biggest questions Jonathan and I have had to discuss and make a decision about involves how many embryos to transfer into my uterus after they are fertilized. Any good RE (reproductive endocrinologist or fertility specialist) won't transfer more than 2 at a time unless you are well past 35 and have many more contributing factors to your infertility. Even then, I'm not sure I would trust a clinic that was willing to transfer more than maybe 3 embryos at a time. THAT, my friends, is how you get an "Octomom" situation. In the womb, any egg has the potential to split into two babies. So if you're transferring 4-5 eggs, you have the potential to get as many as 10 babies out of that deal. While it's unlikely that all 5 of them would split into 2 babies, you can never be certain (hello Jon and Kate +8...). Any multiple pregnancy comes with risks. The vast majority of twin births don't make it to a full 40 weeks. And with 3 or more babies, you'd be lucky to make it to 30 weeks. Now we are talking more risk factors for the babies AND the mommy. Not to mention the costly price of a stay at the NICU...multiplied by 3 or more!
The doctors who will be handling our IVF will not transfer more than 2 eggs at a time no matter what. So 1 embryo or 2, Rachel? Well, after spending lots of time poring over this question, we have decided to go with 2. For several reasons. Not the least of which is the fact that this is our one and only shot for a long time. If it doesn't take, it will be 2-4 years before we are able to try again. We are in med school, after all, and starting September 15th most of our funds will be going toward traveling to Jonathan's clinical rotation locations and saving for the very costly process of applying to residencies. And don't forget there are quite a few costs involved with traveling to and from those interviews!
So we are putting all of our eggs (all 2 of them) into one basket and praying for a miracle here. I'm actually giving my little eggs a pep talk right now...
So in the years that Jonathan and I have walked this road of infertility and loss, I can't tell you the number of times I've been left somewhat agape at the kinds of things people ask and say in regards to pregnancy and "trying". I've wanted to write this post for a long time, so here it finally is. Don't be offended or embarrassed if you've asked me any of these yourself. I've grown a thick skin about it all! :) At this point most of them kind of make me laugh on the inside. Just take this as a little tidbit of "education" on the matter. Whether you *know* a woman is pregnant, trying to conceive, or not...it doesn't matter. Be wise in what you ask and how you ask it!
6+ Things to Never Say to Any Woman...Infertile or Not:
1) How long have you two been married? ______ <---insert your answer here. Wow! When are you guys gonna start a family?
Lord in Heaven. Frankly, this question just sucks. Because if you aren't wanting children, there's no good response. If you're trying at the moment (no matter how long you've been trying for) the answer is awkward. "Well as a matter of fact the hubs and I got weird on the couch this morning because we're currently trying...". If you're in the early stages of a pregnancy but aren't wanting to reveal it yet, what the heck could you say?? If you've been dealing with infertility, the question makes you want to cry. Either cry or be SUPER cynical. Cynical is the route I always go in my head when this question is asked. For instance, "Actually we hate children", or "We already are a family actually." But what comes out of my mouth is "Whenever God decides to let it happen!". Bottom line, just don't ask the question. 2) Are you guys trying??
This is a piggy back on question #1. If you stop and think about it, that question is asking WAY more than you should be privy to in someone's relationship. Essentially what you're asking is if the couple is having sex on a regular basis without protection. If you reword the EXACT SAME QUESTION you are saying "Hey you two, how often are you having sex and are you wearing a condom?" Surely you wouldn't be bold enough as to ask that question of someone. I have to slap myself on the wrist for this one (and maybe all of these), because I've asked it before... For shame, Rach, for shame... 3) My friend's cousin's boss had a miscarriage. I know what you're going through.
Welp...you don't really. This isn't meant to be inflammatory in any way. Neither is it meant to keep you from expressing sympathy or empathy to women who have experienced the loss of a pregnancy. What I'm saying is that for those of us who *have* experienced loss, we know there is a large part of it that is unexplainable. It can't be empathized with unless you've experienced it first hand. The better response if you have never personally experienced the loss of a pregnancy? Something along the lines of "I know I can't come close to understanding what you're going through, but I'm willing to listen if you need an ear", or "You've been on my mind and heart lately". A sweet friend at church said the latter to me one Sunday morning *months* after our loss and she probably never knew how much that meant to me. She said so much without saying much at all... 4) Just relax and stop trying so hard and I bet it will happen for you guys.
No no no and again I say NO! Ok, so maybe this little anecdote has worked on *some*. But let me tell you, after 5 years of infertility struggles, when I hear this statement all I hear is "You probably aren't having good enough sex." I already think it's probably something *I'm* doing to hinder this from happening. I definitely don't need help in that department! But the "lack of relaxation" factor kind of went out the window about 40 months ago. Clearly it is something more than just stressed out eggs or sperm with performance anxiety. Even if this tactic seemingly worked for you and your pregnancy, you probably *still* shouldn't say it to a woman who is distressed about her lack of success thus far... 5) You can babysit anytime you want! *wink, wink, nudge, nudge*
This does NOT help. Ever. Reworded in the mind of a woman who desperately wants children but is unable to have them is this: "I have kids already and you don't. Come borrow mine. It will make you feel better. My kids are awesome." While the thought is nice, it does not help. That's not to say that I don't love your children and wouldn't enjoy spending time with them. But it's not a replacement for my own children. Nor is it funny as a "tongue in cheek" type deal... 5B) Are you *sure* you want one of these? Kids aren't all they're cracked up to be...
I know this is cynical and that you don't really mean it. But it sucks. It's weird. I've told people in response to this statement "Well I would have 8 if I could have 1." And that is the God's honest truth. I'd take a million dirty diapers and temper tantrums and crayoned walls and snotty noses over NO BABY AT ALL. So yes, actually. I am sure that I'm sure that I'm sure that I "want one of those". And no I do not want to "take yours off your hands". 6) "THE ULTIMATE NO NO!" What if you're just not meant to have kids?
Is this supposed to be some sort of "harsh reality" type tactic to yank my head out of the clouds? Whether you know it or not, or whether I'm willing to admit it or not, those thoughts cross my mind frequently. And you just vocalized my worst nightmare. What if all this pain and suffering and longing is just a farce and this is something not meant to be mine anyway? Oh no no no no no. This is no. Might I arrive at this conclusion eventually? Maybe. Let's hope not. Either way will it be you who helps me arrive at said conclusion? Most definitely not... 5 Things That You Could Say Instead 1) I was/am so sorry to hear about your loss.
It's so nice to hear someone acknowledge the loss of your child in miscarriage. Because it really is a loss of a child. No I never gave birth to him or held him, but he is beyond a shadow of a doubt a "real baby". And the loss of our child was devastating. Thank you you for recognizing the life of my baby. For a minute I felt like a mommy... 2) *I* went through/am going through exactly what you're going through. We had a miscarriage/ectopic pregnancy/still born/chemical pregnancy/blighted ovum/infertility/etc. too.
LADIES!! If you encounter someone who has experienced loss similar to yours SPEAK UP!! Infertility and pregnancy loss is such a silent struggle and it shouldn't be. Be bold in sharing your story but be even bolder about sharing your story with those that need the solidarity the most! It's a crappy club to be in, but it's even crappier when you feel like you're the only one in it. Band together and hold each other up. It was the women who came out of the woodwork to empathize with me in regards to their losses that helped me learn to deal with the hand I'd been dealt...
3) You guys are going to have some beautiful babies one day.
Thanks! Man I LOVE this statement! It doesn't speak to the hopelessness that many women in this boat feel. It DOES, however, speak to the hope that one day those "beautiful babies" will be a reality! And I LOVE speculating with people about what my babies will look like. Will they be dark headed or bald or have that amazing Womack red hair? Will they have blue eyes or brown eyes? Will they be super smart or super athletic or both?? For a minute you took me out of hopelessness and brought me into hopefulness... 4) This *is* going to happen for you guys!
Yes! I really needed you to say that. A brief moment happened there where I forgot my fears about losing another child. I forgot my pain in losing the one(s) I've lost. And I smiled on the inside because I really needed your vote of confidence. Because most days I can't muster it for myself... 5) You are in my thoughts and on my heart.
You could pair this with a "Please let me know if you need anything" if you're feeling inclined to deliver on that request. But the first sentence is more than enough. You don't even have to expand on it. You don't have to say the word miscarriage, or loss, or baby, or infertility, or anything. Because I know what you're referring to. And I know you aren't trying to pry. This statement means so very much to women going through this. Just the reminder that someone knows you're in pain or you're struggling is soothing... Again, I hope this doesn't upset you. It's not meant that way. I've been on both sides of this fence. I've been on the "My friend lost her baby and I have no idea what to say" side, and I've been on the "I've been through this and I know what you're going through" side. I hope this helps you to *not* avoid women you know are struggling with loss or infertility because you don't know what to say. I hope it also helps you avoid saying the things that you shouldn't. To any woman. But to lighten the mood a little, I thought I would share a little story about my dad and how he learned never to ask "the wrong questions":
Daddy (at a garage sale trying to strike up a conversation with the woman who owns the home): Hi! How are you this beautiful Saturday?
Homeowner: Doing well! How bout yourself?
Daddy: Doing fine. You guys have quite a bit you're getting rid of. Are you moving?
Homeowner: No. Just trying to get rid of some stuff!
Daddy: You must have a ton of baby stuff in the house then. I can't believe you're getting rid of so much baby clothing when you've got one on the way!
Homeowner: *blink...blink, blink* Sir I'm not pregnant.
Daddy (awkwardly trying to extract his foot from his mouth): Oh, well then I'm sure your baby is beautiful!
Homeowner: My children are 18 and 22 sir.
Daddy: *blink...blink, blink* Ok well you have a good day then. <---power walks to car
As I've stated about a million times on this blog, I cannot stress enough the importance of solidarity among women dealing with infertility and pregnancy loss. One thing that helped me through our loss and has continued to help us through our dealings with infertility are all the women and couples going through the same thing...eager and bold enough to share their stories and comfort us with words of wisdom and hope. I've gotten countless emails, Facebook messages, texts, and comments from people everywhere speaking up about their own journeys. People wanting to join hands and hearts as we walk this difficult road in hopes of getting our very very happy endings (or beginnings!) one day soon. So, my fellow "Sisters in Waiting"...I have some words for you today. I hope they make your heart happy!
You yourself did nothing wrong. You are not infertile because you ate the wrong things, didn't exercise enough, or are living in the wrong place. You did not lose your baby because you are unhealthy or your body is "inhospitable". YOU are enough. And you are NOT defective...
Don't feel alone when you want to punch someone or something. It happens to the best of us. Anger is a natural human emotion and one we cannot discredit as a part of this journey. Invest in a good firm pillow and take your frustrations out there. And then call me...I'll be cynical with you until you can laugh about it again...
This is NOT a punishment. You are NOT being punished. This is NOT God's way of making you pay for your past sins. You are PERFECT in His eyes...
It's ok to feel jealousy sometimes too. It's normal to see a pregnant woman or a pregnancy announcement and feel that pang of jealousy. But don't let it consume you. Identify it as a longing of your heart and remember that one day YOU will be the one announcing that pregnancy or adoption!
Dream big! Pick out those baby names, pin those nursery ideas, bookmark those great parenting articles. Take advantage of the fact that you have such a ridiculously long time to plan for your babies. The longer you train for the event, the better you'll be when it's your time to step up to the mommy plate!
Find a fellow Sister in Waiting and share your story with her. Ask her to share hers. Cry together, laugh together, gripe together, pray together. It's more healing than you can imagine...
Give people grace when they don't understand what you're going through. When they ask questions that hurt, show them mercy...don't say what you're thinking in your head! Be graceful and kind even when it's hard. Because in the end it really does make you better...
Write it down. Either privately or publicly (I've done both). It's healing and liberating!
Don't let people feel sorry for you...
Make a "secret" Pinterest board to pin all your baby hopes onto. It keeps people from speculating and asking questions when they see you pinning baby stuff. But it fills that void for a minute to spend time thinking about that future that you want so badly without having to field the "Is there a baby on the way??" question we love so much...
Do research and read up. It's ok to know all there is to know about conception and hormones and birth and parenting. It doesn't make you pathetic. It makes you intelligent...
And last but not least, BELIEVE HIM. He put this desire on your heart. HE put it there. And He's still in the business of miracles. He said that we will find Him when we seek Him with all of our hearts. He said you can move mountains with faith as small as a mustard seed. Believe Him when He says he has plans to prosper you and not to harm you...to give you a Hope and a Future. He's got big plans for you. Keep believing that He will come through for you. And when the Heavenly clashes with our earthly hearts' desires there will be unimaginable joy and peace and understanding. And it will be vastly more than we ever hoped or imagined it would be!
Keep on keepin' on. Don't give up. There WILL be joy in the morning!
So per the name of this blog, I've been trying really hard to make sure that my posts are POSITIVE. It helps my psyche as well to be able to articulate what inspires me to keep on keepin' on. But I have to be honest with you. Being positive...being upbeat all the time is difficult. It's a REALLY tough thing to do. Especially when sometimes my emotions kind of give me whiplash...
For instance, this past weekend we got incredibly good news about our financial piece. We also got confirmation that not only is June 16th our official "first appointment" at OU Infertility, but we also are in with the "head honcho". The doctor who's been at this for 17 years and has a 53% success rate. That's HUGE in the infertility world. That means more than half of the women he works with end up pregnant some way some how. That's exciting and also comforting. We feel like we are in good hands...
And then as the days creep by, anxiety starts to work its way in. Here are the things that float through my mind:
"Man, *what if* this whole thing is a total wash and we don't end up getting pregnant? We will have spent all this money, invested so much emotional and physical energy into this process, and still be at square one..."
"What if Dr. Hansen orders a laproscopy and they find some sort of tumor or major problem? And then our seemingly 'perfect' timeline is shot to hell because they will either have to do major surgery or turn us away from IVF completely. Then what?"
"What if we *do* get pregnant and then have another miscarriage. I'm not sure I could emotionally navigate that..."
"What if we never make it to the transfer stage because my eggs are crap and none of them are viable after retrieval?"
"What if we never find a solution to this?"
So there ya go...a little slice of my insides on the days that I'm feeling a little less than confident. It's days like those, inevitably, that a friend offers a word of encouragement even though they didn't know that's what I had been thinking. A family member sends me a sweet text out of nowhere. My husband decides to do something special for me just because he felt like it...
And it's then that I'm reminded to BREATHE. Just breathe in and out and see the glass half full. See those petri dishes full of fertilized eggs. See those TWO pink lines. See that beautiful sonography heartbeat. See that perfect pregnancy announcement. See that labor and delivery room. See that beautifully perfect tiny little face staring back at me. See Jonathan kissing the top of his sweet new baby's head. See our families beaming with pride over the newest addition to the family. See those tiny socks and onesies and pacifiers and bottles. See those sweet tiny fingers wrapped around mine...
So I have about 6 posts that are already written and slated to be published, but tonight I found myself inspired to write about hope. Tonight my heart was moved by the hurting and longing hearts of some of my dear friends here in Dominica and I realized something about where I am in my journey...
Many many moons ago at a summer church camp, we did a "Stations of the Cross" walk. We started at the top of this big hill and were asked to pick up a rock. No parameters on this request. Just pick up any rock. I picked up a medium sized one, some people were kind of tongue in cheek and picked up teeny little pebbles, and my friend Mike picked up a stinkin' boulder. What they didn't tell us was that we would have to carry that rock throughout the walk. For me, it was no problem. For those people who picked up the teeny pebbles, it was even easier. For my friend Mike, by the time he got down to the river where we were asked to lay our rocks down, he was literally having to carry the darn thing on his back. All throughout the walk he was laboring over this thing. Situating it this way and that...trying to find a comfortable position to carry it in...shifting it's enormous weight in his arms. When we were asked to lay our rocks down, I tossed mine at the foot of the wooden cross and turned to help a very tired Mike lay his down. We debriefed after the experience and one of the "parallels" that I arrived at in that moment really hit home for me. It's a concept that has stuck with me ever since...
You see, my "burden" in that moment was small. It was manageable. I could so very easily lay it down with minimal effort. But if *I* had had a giant boulder to have to maneuver, I would never have been able to help Mike lay his burden down. At that point in my life I had a manageable burden...and I could help literally shoulder the weight with Mike...
In the past 5 years I have wondered so many many times *why* we had to go through this. What was this season of wait/weight all about? What was there to gain from this experience? Why all the hurt and pain and struggle? Well my friends, because while my burden was heavy, I was being strengthened. I was having to (am still having to) rely on others to help me lay my burdens down. I've needed shoulders to cry on. I've needed sounding boards to rant to. I've needed words of encouragement. I've needed help shouldering all this hurt...all these questions. And my cup overflows when I think of how many people have taken part in helping me lay my massive boulder down at the cross...
Last Thursday we bought our last plane tickets to leave Dominica (we're leaving in May). This weekend some sweet words were shared between myself and a somewhat "estranged" friend...God has healed that fractured relationship and my heart is full of joy because of that. Just yesterday we got word that one of our major potential road blocks to this whole IVF process has been "demolished". God is good y'all...ALL THE TIME! So for right now...today...my burden is so very light. And God allowed that to happen in just the right time. Because tonight God needed my heart to bear part of the burdens for my sweet friends. He needed me to be able to pray and offer words of unadulterated encouragement to them...he needed part of my heart to hurt for them...
I have been in seasons where my burden was too heavy to cast off and help another. Even just last week I was feeling pretty burdened by all of this. I was letting my fears of failure cloud my excitement for what might be. I was letting my anxiety about what could go wrong get in the way of grasping that wellspring of Hope. And I was feeling pretty beat down. This weekend I got refilled with that Hope. And I'm here to tell you, even though Jonathan and I are *still* not on the other side of this battle of infertility, that I PROMISE THERE IS HOPE!
For whatever you're going through. There is Hope for a better future for you and your family. There is Hope for a better job if you're looking for one..a better situation. There is Hope. I promise it's there. I can't tell you how long you'll have to wait for that open door. For that "yes". For that positive. I don't know how many more heartaches you'll have to endure before you get there. But I *do* know that if your burden is like a giant boulder right now... If you're shifting it's weight...trying to find a way to carry it...slinging it onto your own shoulders just to get a second of relief... If your burden is too heavy to carry by yourself, let someone help you lay it down at the cross. Let someone else help you grab hold of that Wellspring. And believe me when I tell you that there is HOPE for this in your life...
"God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. It's a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from God. It's a good thing when you're young to stick it out through the hard times. When life is heavy and hard to take, enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions...wait for Hope to appear. Don't run from trouble. Take it full-face. The "worst" is never the worst. Why? Because the Master won't ever walk out and fail to return. If He works severely, He also worlds tenderly. His stockpiles of loyal love are immense. He takes no pleasure in making life hard...in throwing roadblocks in the way..." -- Lamentations 3:25-33 (MSG)
Big question here. And one I can't really answer definitively as we are still months away from beginning the process. But in an attempt to sort of "let you in" on what we foresee the steps being, let me shed some light on what a round of IVF might be like for this "first cycle" couple...
1st Appointment - Fortunately for us, the doctors we are working with already have full access to our past medical history. Both infertility-wise and otherwise. They will have a preliminary knowledge of what they're "up against" before we ever step foot in their office. This is the appointment where we will talk to them about our hopes and intentions, discuss options, ask questions, etc. We've already got a pretty extensive list of questions to ask! We will also meet with people in the financial department of OU Infertility to talk with them about what our insurance may or may not cover. We will most likely be sent for blood work at this appointment. Then I will be scheduled to have some or all of the following procedures within the following 2-4 weeks:
HSG (Hysterosalpingogram) - This is a procedure that I've had done before. They inject dye into your uterus and fallopian tubes to see if your tubes are blocked and/or if there is any scar tissue or other damage. This procedure also helps the doctors note the size, shape, and placement of your uterus. When I had one done in November of 2010, everything was seemingly normal. Barring any unforeseen complications that have arisen in the last 3 1/2 years, I'm assuming this test will once again be normal.
Hysteroscopy and/or Laparoscopy - This is where they put a tiny little camera right into my uterus or abdomen to check for fibroids, endometriosis, blocked tubes, and/or other abnormalities. Usually if they see something during this exam they go right ahead and remove the fibroids or scar tissue that might be blocking the tubes or otherwise hindering a successful conception/pregnancy. I'm not gonna lie...it's *this* procedure that scares me some. Because it's the procedure that could uncover things that could prevent both IVF *and* our chances of ever conceiving. Yep...I get anxiety just thinking about it...
Semen Analysis - Just what it sounds like. Jonathan gives a sample, they put the little guys under a microscope, they give them a score. Simple as that. This is another test we've had done before and should return normal again.
Sonogram - To check my endometrium (the lining of my uterus) and my ovaries for cysts or abnormalities. I'm a pro at this procedure since I've had more of them than I can even remember. Thankfully, unless something drastic has happened since March 2013, this reading should be normal.
Mock Transfer - This is new to me, but I think it's pretty cool (even if the procedure itself harkens to a bad experience I had in March 2013 with an endometrial biopsy...eesh...). Basically the doctor is going to perform the IVF transfer procedure right up until the point of actually transferring the fertilized eggs into my uterus. Why? Because every woman is different and they have to make sure they are using the right size and length of catheter. Also they want to make sure they are able to place the fertilized eggs in the most optimal place in my uterus for implantation. This procedure is done while the doctor looks at an ultrasound image to make sure everything is just perfect for when it's time to transfer those Womack Embabies for real...
Hormone Testing - There are a few tests that have never been run on me during fertility treatments. Why? I have no idea. There's a possibility, though, that the OU doctors might want a clear(er) picture of my hormone levels throughout a natural cycle. We will be seeing them right in the middle of a natural cycle, so they may want to see how my body is producing estrogen, progesterone, FSH (follicular stimulation hormone...the hormone that tells your body to produce eggs), LH (lutenizing hormone...the hormone that tells your ovaries to release the egg(s)), etc. These are just simple blood tests, but some have to be checked on precise days in your cycle. We will be seeing them on or around Day 18 of my natural cycle, so who knows where these evaluations may or may not fit in...
Then starts the fun part (please read the sarcasm there) ;). We have no idea what the exact timeline for this will be (we are hoping a transfer date sometime between August 1st and September 10th will be possible), but here are the steps we will likely be taking between the evaluation stage and the actual transfer:
Step 1 - 2 weeks of birth control. Ew. I'm not a fan. But hopefully it will be 2 weeks of yuck in exchange for years of awesome, so I'll do it. There's a chance I may not have to do this since I've got a normal cycle going now, but we also don't want to take any unnecessary chances if we don't have to.
Step 2 - Sometime around the middle of the cycle I will begin taking Lupron injections daily which will suppress my natural ovulation.
Step 3 - "Stimming". This is a term used in the IVF world for stimulating your ovaries to produce lots of eggs. At the start of my next "cycle" I will take daily injections to make my ovaries mass produce. I will take these injections for anywhere from 7-10 days.
Step 4 - Ovidrel (which I've taken before). This is an injectable drug that stimulates your eggs to mature before "release". In our case, the doc will be going in to get those mature eggs before my body releases them naturally.
Step 5 - Retrieval. This is done under general anesthesia like an outpatient surgery. This is when they will use a needle through a speculum to poke through the walls of my lady parts and retrieve all my tiny little mature eggs. Then those little eggs go straight to a petri dish and into an incubator to await their "knights in shining armor". During retrieval they will take as many eggs as they see and are able to get to. So it can be anywhere from around 15 all the way to 35+.
Step 6 - Jonathan gives the docs a "sample" and his soldiers are then deployed into that fateful petri dish with "marching orders" to "attack the hill". We will get daily phone calls about how many eggs were fertilized and how our embabies are growing for the next 3-5 days.
Step 7 - On Day 3 or 5 after retrieval and fertilization our embryos will be "graded" (exactly like they grade chicken eggs actually...AA, AB, BB, etc.). The highest graded embryos are slated for transfer and/or cryogenic freezing. On Day 5 I will go into the office and they will put our Womack Embabies (1 or 2...hopefully we have 2 good ones) into my uterus in the same way that they did the mock transfer in the beginning. This is done without anesthesia but I will likely be given something to relax me (i.e. Valium or the like) so that I don't get too tense and cause my uterus to contract which could hinder our chances of a good transfer and hopefully implantation.
Step 8 - 2WW (Two Week Wait). This is only about 9 days after the transfer happens rather than 2 full weeks, but I'm told this feels like an eternity. It is during these 9 days that we will need some SERIOUS distractions and encouragement. Say prayers for me, yes, but mostly Jonathan during this time. Because I will likely be a basket case...
Step 9 - Beta pregnancy test. I can take a home pregnancy test if I want to (who am I kidding?? I will probably take several...), but no matter what I will go in 9-11 DPT (days past transfer) and they will draw blood to check my hCG (human chorionic gonadotropin...the pregnancy hormone) levels. If they are rising, I am pregnant!
Step 10 - I will continue working with the OU Infertility docs until around week 8 when a heartbeat (or heartbeats!) are confirmed via ultrasound. I will then be released to my regular Ob/Gyn for the remainder of the pregnancy.
Whew! Did you follow all that?? Me neither. :) It's pretty confusing and overwhelming. Thankfully we have some pretty wonderful people in our lives that are A) Praying for peace for us, and/or B) Helping to talk us through this process because they've "been there done that". It will never cease to blow my mind how God has orchestrated this whole endeavor. He made our paths cross with people 10+ years ago, and then now today they are people helping us along this bumpy road to parenthood...
We are so blessed and quite anxious to get this party started man!
If you'd like some video footage about the process of IVF from "the lab"'s perspective, I found this video which is actually pretty incredible. I think it's amazing even if it wasn't done in petri dishes in a lab. How cool is it that these microscopic cells grow into humans??? Mind blown y'all...
First I have to start by showing my appreciation for all the love and support that has been poured out for Jonathan and me in response to this blog. Wow! We are really fortunate to have such wonderful loving people in our lives and I can't express to you how much it means to me to hear your words of encouragement. From people who are right here "in the trenches" with us to people who we haven't seen in years to those we have never met...our cup overflows y'all! A quote from one of our dear supporters and a fellow "sister in waiting" said "I think God prompting you to share your story is His way of giving this struggle a purpose". Wow! Words seemingly right from His mouth actually. In all the years of struggle and heartache and loss, if I'm able to give someone else hope or at the very least a listening ear and solidarity, then it was not all in vain. Praise God...He is good ALL the time!
This post is somewhat of a "thinking out loud" post as someone graciously posed a question to us here on the blog. The question was this:
"Rachel, I just wondered about what you might do with the rest of the embryos if any go unused. I had heard of Christians recently adopting out their unused frozen embryos rather than allowing them to be simply "discarded." You might end up using all of them, but I think as Christians it's an important question as we consider these little creations of the Father."
This question was asked by someone who I highly respect and admire. And I'm SO glad she asked it! It is actually a question I have preliminarily considered. In fleeting moments I've thought about what exactly we will do with any embryos that we don't use in an attempt to achieve pregnancy for ourselves. I say fleeting, only because it's a bit hard for me to look past the actual transfer itself. There's so much to be done first...so much that could go wrong potentially...and I've heard it said that "getting to the transfer stage is an achievement in itself". But I definitely *DO* believe that life begins at conception. If you've not read my post The Morning I Knew..., then you should go read it. Because that post will help you understand my stance on the matter. The minute that sperm meets egg it's a life. And a beautiful one. This is not going to turn into a pro-life vs. pro-choice conversation though. The question is simply, "If the embryos that are viable are lives, what happens to the tiny growing babies that don't get transferred?"
This is of course assuming we will have embryos to freeze. Let's not forget that so many many women don't make it to the embryo stage at all...much less have more embryos than what can be transferred in one treatment. We are hoping and praying for our story to be different, but that is yet another reason it's difficult for me to start considering this question. There is, after all, a chance we could never even make it to this stage. But in the interest of having clear plan for all circumstances...here are the options that doctors/clinics give you:
1) Use all your embryos and have a bigger family than you had "planned"
2) Thaw the embryos and discard them
3) Donate the embryos to science for research
4) Put them up for "adoption" for couples in need
Ok, so put yourself in my shoes. Is there an option that sticks out to you? Is there an option that makes you go "Yeah no way!"? Is there one that you're totally sold on? If you can make that decision in a split second, I commend you! For me, #2 is my absolute NO. Those are my babies and they are not "bio-waste"...
And then there's #1...which for me is the one that "sticks out". But then again, who knows how many "embabies" we will be successful in creating? Because #1 sounds fine if we've got like 4-6 embryos or less. Then you're talking a max of 4-6 kids and that's if every single transfer works. While that's a crazy big number, it's not completely unfathomable. But what if we end up with something in the tens or teens? Oh no. I love kids and I want a big family...but I am NOT Michelle Duggar!
So then there's #3. Controversial to say the least. While I see the merit here, I'm not sure it's for me necessarily. The thought of my babies being "lab rats" is a little unnerving. But the thought of them going on to help cure Parkinsons or cancer or something equally important seems valiant and purposeful. I go back and forth on that option...
And then #4. After some thought, this sounds like a beautiful option. I wouldn't be in the market to "sell" my embryos. Sounds a bit like embryo trafficking! But I think it would be a cool thing to be able to give someone else...especially in light of the struggles we have had. To be able to come full circle and not only be blessed with our own miracles, but to help make that happen for someone else. Cool! The reservation I have is the whole "running into my biological child on the street" kind of thing. There are "closed" and "open" embryo adoption options. I think for us, if we go this route, we would want it to be a closed adoption. There is also the cost of cryogenic storage which can range anywhere from $500/yr. to $2000/yr. We would basically be storing our embabies indefinitely until someone came along to adopt them. I'm not sure where I stand on the ethical implications of "indefinite storage". There's something, and I can't put my finger on it, that doesn't really sit well with me on this. Just a little sliver of something that I need to just pray about and ask God to shed some light on.
So if I had to choose right now today, what would I choose? For me, feet to the fire, it would be #1. Let's just do this. If God breathed life into those cells, then put em' in me and let's see what happens. But that's not my hard and fast answer. For now I think the answer is that the matter needs a lot more prayer and consideration on our part.
