The "X" Factor

Let me start this post first by saying how much we appreciate all your love and support.  I am getting nearly daily notes and emails of encouragement from so many of you and they are always exactly what I need to hear!  We can't express enough our gratitude for all the people in our lives spurring us on in this.  It means more than you can know!

Secondly, I have to express once again my amazement at what we have stumbled upon at OU Reproductive Medicine.  The other day I got a hand written note from our nurse, Connie, AND Dr. Hansen himself letting us know that they are glad we are their patients and encouraging us to call anytime with questions or concerns.  I have spoken with one or both of them over the phone probably 4-5 times since our appointment on Monday.  Connie calls to check in and help me set up appointments and Dr. Hansen calls with test results and advice. It's just so overwhelmingly refreshing.  We couldn't be happier with our choice to work with them!

Today's post will inevitably sound scarier than it actually is.  So don't freak out when you read it...even though I totally did when I got the call!  Jonathan and I decided to go ahead with some preliminary genetic testing.  We figured if we are going as far as IVF, we should take advantage of some of the knowledge that could potentially come from being so close to the actual process.  So what that means is that I get blood drawn for testing and if I'm found to be a carrier of anything (for instance Cystic Fibrosis, Tay Sachs, etc.) they will test Jonathan to see if he's a carrier too.  If he's not a carrier, then the "gene" stops with us.  If he is, then that increases our chances exponentially of having a child with that same disease or syndrome.  Like 1 in 4.

So during our first appointment I had blood drawn for that genetic testing and lots of other things.  On Wednesday night Dr. Hansen called to give me the results of everything.  He said my hormone levels and immunity markers were perfect.  My ovarian reserves are even better than he expected to see for my age and my prolactin levels, with the help of my current medication, are holding steady right where they need to be.  Though he did have a bit of alarming news to share with me:

"Ok, so the results of your genetic testing came back.  You are not a carrier for Tay Sachs or Cystic Fibrosis.  I don't see any markers for Trisomy issues or anything like that which is a good thing.  However, I *am* showing here that you are what's called an 'Intermediate Carrier of Fragile X Syndrome'.  What that essentially means, if I can explain this as simply as possible, is that one of your X chromosomes is a little longer than 'normal'.  A normal 'length' is 40 or below.  Yours is 51.  It's not a huge cause for concern since they can go up into the 200-300 range, but I'm the kind of doctor who wants you to know everything that I know so that you can make informed decisions.  This is not a result that would cause me to be hesitant about your getting pregnant.  But you should know that primarily in male babies, there is a small risk that it could be passed to your children.  Whether your son might present with symptoms of Fragile X or not is hard to say.  Research on the syndrome is still fairly new.  But it varies in severity from mild ADHD symptoms all along the autism spectrum.  But again, I don't want you to be alarmed.  It's not really a cause for concern.  But since the cost of your genetic blood testing includes genetic counseling, I'd like to refer you to a counselor to discuss whether it would be a good idea to get Jonathan tested..."

Ok so I'm sure many of you are thinking, "Ok what now??".  I was too.  So many things went running through my head and I turned into Anxiety Girl!  I jumped to so many irrational conclusions.  I'd gotten the call from Dr. Hansen while I was at church without Jonathan.  I immediately decided in my head that I was going to have to accept the fact that if we had boys, they would most likely have this Fragile X syndrome.  I googled Fragile X and sufficiently freaked myself out.  And then God reminded me what a blessing it is through this process that I have a husband who is right in the thick of studying his basic sciences!  He is VERY familiar with Fragile X and the genetics involved.  I went to him with the news and I was a complete basket case about it.  But he explained it so simply and reminded me also that even though this is scary news, it most definitely does not mean our son(s) *will* have Fragile X...

The negative to genetic testing is that we find out these things that we otherwise wouldn't know.  Things that may or may not even present in any of our children anyway.   But I'm Thinking Positive here and choosing to see the glass half full on this one.  Since this is fairly minute, we might not ever have known I carried this mutation.  If one of our grandchildren or great grandchildren suddenly presented with classic Fragile X syndrome, we would never have known where in the bloodline that had come about.  Now we can educate our children when it comes time for them to start thinking about having children.  They can make that educated decision as to whether they would like to be tested for the mutation, or at the very least be aware that the mutation exists and what to expect.

So what do we do from here?  We have an appointment with a genetic counselor next week.  They will talk with us about the statistics.  What to expect.  Whether it would be advantageous for Jonathan to be tested or not.  They will talk with us about our options in IVF to keep this mutation from being passed to our children if we decide to take those steps.  They will talk with us about what could happen down the line with our extended family in regards to this syndrome.  Basically they will be offering us options and peace of mind and knowledge on the matter.  We feel pretty good about that even though it IS scary to think about...

But no matter what we decide to do or not to do, if it's in the plan for us to raise a child with Fragile X syndrome, we will love him just the same.  He will be ours and the depth of our love for him will be no less deep than it would be for any of our children who do not present with Fragile X.  This is by no means a deal breaker for us.  It's nice to know going in, but it doesn't change our decision to move forward in our quest to become parents.  We are firm believers that God equips us to handle situations as they come.  Even though today it somewhat terrifies me to think of having a child with such special needs, I know He is providing me strength for today to stave off that anxiety.  And He will provide me strength for tomorrow as I need it to walk through this process and, should I need it, He will give me strength and wisdom to raise and love my son no matter what his genes look like.

So pray for us and our little Baby Womacks.  They are (hopefully!) headed this direction soon!  I will start birth control next week and then we are officially hitting the ground running in all of this.  I will take 4 weeks of birth control, have one more period, and then it will be our IVF cycle.  Can you believe it??  We are 4 weeks and a matter of days before the real deal is really happening for REAL.  My anxiety rises sometimes as we get closer and closer.  There are times when I let the doubt creep in and I kind of space out into my silly irrational "what ifs".  And then along comes a sweet note or phone call or email from someone that gives me that *strength for today* that I so need some days.  Thank you for that if you're one who has been that strength for me!  We feel your prayers...we really tangibly do.  So keep them coming!

It's Gonna Take a Miracle...

I've spent the last 24 hours trying to process all that happened this weekend and yesterday.  The best word I can use to describe it all is miraculous.  Truly miraculous!  I know we have a long road ahead of us and God has many a miracle left to perform.  But in the short term, He has revealed Himself to us so intensely in the past week that we can't help but believe that those BIG miracles are on their way!  Let me give you the low down on the last 48 hours:

Sunday Morning:

Jonathan, Mom, Dad, and I got in the car around 10:30 to leave my sister and her family in Columbus, Georgia to head to the airport in Atlanta.  My poor mother had woken up throwing up that morning and on our way to the airport, she threw up again.  My heart was hurting for her...she felt REALLY bad.  So we had to stop off at a Love's to get her showered off and changed after that whole incident.  Then by the time we finally made it to the airport, we only had 50 minutes before our flight left.  THEN when we got to the security checkpoint there are literally 300 people there.  From that point I knew it was going to take a miracle to get us on that 1:20 flight.  I said a prayer right then (and come to find out Jonathan and my mom were saying the same prayer).  I said, "God, I really need a little bit of an endorsement here.  I can't go into this appointment tomorrow feeling like *maybe* it was you who was throwing these roadblocks in our way.  If this is something you are truly wanting us to do, I need you to give me a blatant thumbs up in some way...".  Through the security checkpoint we go...WORST experience ever.  Had to be held back from slugging a TSA agent, my poor sick mother was giving them a piece of her mind, and Jonathan was having to keep the both of us calm while keeping himself from strangling one of them.  So by the time we finally get through the line it is 1:22.  Our flight led at 1:20.  We briskly walk to the gate fully expecting to have to rebook flights.  And lo and behold...the plane for our 1:20 flight is STILL AT THE GATE!!! It's 1:27 and they have just announced that there are "3 standby seats available" until we come running up to the gate with our boarding passes.  We are the last 3 people on that flight.  It should have already left.  And for me, that was all the "thumbs up" I needed.  It was all the endorsement I needed!  The three of us couldn't sit together, but once we landed we all reconvened and had spent that 2 hour flight marveling at the miracle that was us making this flight.  We met my dad back in the Dallas airport and he and my mom prayed over us before we caught our flight to OKC.  Jonathan and I were both just in awe of how things had played out.  Jonathan just kept saying, "I just have a really good feeling about all this now."  We made it safely to OKC!

Sunday Night:

Starting around 4:00, I started getting a literal FLOOD of texts, emails, phone calls, Facebook messages, etc.  SO many people sending us love and prayers and encouragement for our appointment on Monday morning.  I was floored.  To say that my cup was running over is the understatement of the century.  God was saying, "Rachel, here's your endorsement."  Left and right and all through the evening, Jonathan and I both continued to get words of encouragement from so many people.  Bernice and Charlie had also replaced my "family bracelet" (the bracelet that all of us Womacks wear alike...mine had been swiped at the Dominica airport on our way home...) and they gave it to me over dinner to remind me that they were all with us.  I went to bed that night full of peace.  I just knew it was going to be ok...

Our Monday Morning Appointment:

Our appointment was at 9:00 so we got there around 8:45.  Hand over our paperwork and sit in the waiting room.  I kept staring at the glass door that said OU Physicians Reproductive Medicine and having to pinch myself...we were finally here!  They called us back and I swear this office staff was once of the best medical office staffs I've ever dealt with.  All of them made us feel like our case was their one and only priority.  They made us feel loved and comforted.  They took my vitals and then Dr. Hansen came in.  He was such a warm and inviting man, but SO very focused and knowledgable.  He was so calming to talk to.  He said, "You know, I've dealt with many couples in your situation and I normally suggest lots of diagnostic testing and some 'less invasive procedures' first.  But I see that the two of you have pretty much been through the gamet already and it sounds like you are ready to pursue IVF.  Am I right?"  Of course we said YES!  And he said, "You both seem like you are going into this fully aware.  It sounds like everything I'm telling you are things you already know.  You guys know what you're doing here.  So I'm ready to help you get there."  Did you get goosebumps??  Just wait!  I have been stressing about that stupid hysteroscope/laproscope procedure for months now.  Dr. Hansen, however, doesn't automatically do either of those unless other testing reveals problems!!  AND he is not requiring us to have another HSG done!  He said the likelihood of something new developing there since my last one is pretty low and even if for some reason my tubes are damaged or closed, it doesn't matter.  We're bypassing them anyway!  So he will do a sonohystogram in a few weeks and *if* he sees something there, he will do a hysteroscope to go in and get it.  But he said that 9 times out of 10 *if* he finds something, it's just a uterine polyp.  The removal of which doesn't hinder our timeline at all.  So basically we are pretty much cleared for take off!  I had lots of blood drawn for hormone testing and genetic testing.  Jonathan will go in on Monday for his IVF workup.  We are off and running!  THEN Connie, Dr. Hansen's nurse, comes in to say "Alright Rachel, when you start your period this week you need to call me immediately.  I don't want to miss this period...we want to get started RIGHT now!"  Once again, something I'd been hoping and praying for.  Word for word, she said what I had been hoping they'd say.  We are getting things started THIS cycle!  So here's the loose timeline for now:

Thursday-ish 6/19-I start a normal period and start Birth Control

Monday 6/23-Jonathan goes in for his IVF spermie work up

Week of 7/3-ART Screening (Assisted Reproductive Technology...I'll explain that a little later)

Thursday-ish 7/17-Day 1 of our first IVF cycle!

Saturday 8/9-Our "start date" (which just means that's when I will start the ovarian stimulation drugs)

Week of 8/18-Egg Retrieval will be scheduled

Week of 8/25-Transfer will be scheduled

Week of 9/1-We find out if we are PREGNANT!

It's all very exciting and VERY real now.  I mean, in the next 10 weeks we could take a positive pregnancy test again for the first time in over 5 years!  Keep those prayers and words of encouragement coming, y'all.  We are just overwhelmed with all the love and support.  God is working mightily through all of you to remind us of His presence and of His purpose.  Here's hoping this whole process goes as well as the first step has gone.  If so, 2014 might just be referred to as our "Year of Miracles"... 

Here we go...off on our Great Adventure!

I Was Made For This...

It’s hard to believe that we are almost to point where we can finally say that we are starting this crazy IVF journey TOMORROW!  So many mixed emotions.  Excitement-for the first time in ages we are making a forward move in our quest to become parents.  Fear-will they find some roadblock in my body that makes it impossible for me to conceive?  Peace-inexplicable.  Though we have done fertility treatments in the past, it never felt this peaceful going into them.  I guess I always felt like maybe we were trying to force it to happen or something.  I don’t feel that way about this process at all this time.  I wholeheartedly believe that if God places something on your heart, He intends to see it through.  He created me to be a mother, so that desire has always been there for me.  But just before I married Jonathan, He began stirring that longing in my heart for real.  And for years I wondered why He would start that stirring so soon if His intention was not to fulfill that longing for many years down the road.  For a long time I resented that…I even prayed that He would take that longing away if He did not intend for me to be a mother.  But He never did.  On the contrary, He has spent the last 5 years intensifying that desire in me.  Creating the perfect scenario for motherhood for me.  Preparing my mommy heart, setting up my support system, perfectly orchestrating the perfect timing for our babies to arrive.  He had lots more to do in me and in my life those 5 years ago.  It wasn’t the perfect scenario yet!  It still would have been good, but it wouldn’t have been perfect.  God is playing to my perfectionism…oh how He knows His daughter so well!

I’ve been thinking this weekend about how different I am now than I was 5 years ago.  I’ve been thinking how up until about 6 months ago.  I was wracked with jealousy ALL the time when it came to other women getting pregnant.  Even women that I love!  It was this very sharp pang that would hit me very intensely anytime I would find out someone was pregnant or when I saw yet another baby belly on someone who was not me.  Once the baby was here, lots of that jealousy melted away and all that was left was that achy longing in my heart for my own babies to get here.  That jealousy and envy nearly ate me alive sometimes though.  But this weekend as I’ve been holding and snuggling my 8 week old nephew Levi, I’ve been enlightened a little.  You see, my perfectionism sometimes gets in the way of me relaxing and almost always drums up anxiety in my heart.  How grateful I am that nearly all my girlfriends AND my sister have been through and will go through all the “mommy muck” before me.  They will be and have been trailblazers for me and my babies!  I imagine my desire to be “the perfect mommy” will sometimes well up in me and I’ll be desperately calling Angela when my baby won’t sleep through the night, or frantically calling Rachel to ask her a nursing question, or calling Sara in the middle of the night because I’m freaked out about my baby being sick, or phoning Amanda just to FaceTime me through newborn baby bath time.  You see, God knew me well.  He knows what an amazing mommy I will be, but He also knew how much I would need my girls behind me.  He knew I would need more than a listening ear.  He knew I would need tangible HELP…a voice of experience, a tried and true remedy, an extra set of hands that are attached to someone who actually knows what they’re doing!  How perfectly wonderful He is…and how perfectly He knows me.  Praise God for His divine wisdom and praise God for waiting (even though He’s hated to see me cry all these years) for the perfect scenario to bring my babies into.  I can’t express my gratitude for His “ultimate parenting” in my life…

I mentioned that I’ve been snuggling my newborn nephew this weekend.  That’s kind of an understatement, because really I’ve been “Bogarting” him…  My mom will say “Do you want me to take him?”, and I’ll say “Do I want you to take him?  No.  If you want him, just come and take him.  But I probably won’t give him up voluntarily…”.  I just can’t get enough of his sweet after a bottle breath, his little baby grunts and squeaks, his softer than air baby hair, the beginnings of a smile starting to form on his little face.  The warmth of his tiny 11 pound body resting so perfectly and peacefully in the crook of my arm, his intoxicating baby smell wafting into my nose as his snuggly little face nestles into that perfect space between my neck and my shoulder.  I would change a million diapers, change my spit up stained shirt a million times, endure ALL the anxieties of motherhood for even just a minute of all of that to be only mine.  And to think that motherhood may be just a few months away for me is deliriously exciting.  I was made for this, y’all.  God created me to be a mommy.  I’m a nurturer by nature.  Always have been.  THIS will be my one great “claim to fame”…that I was a mother in this lifetime.  That my heart was finally full when God entrusted me with one of His perfect creations.  And if you happen to be anywhere near me when they finally get here, be prepared to see His BRIGHT light shining through me.  Because I’ll be that much closer to Him and His heart.  I will have walked the broken and beaten road that is infertility, blazed a trail of my own, and I’ll be sitting at the end of it in a peaceful rocking chair holding my magnum opus...

It’s time, y’all.  It really is…

Getting Butterflies...

Ok y'all...today I'm starting to really see the outward indicators of my inner worries and anxieties.  I went for a run this morning and I was just mad.  And pretty short with Jonathan.  Yikes!  I got a call  from OU Infertility this morning confirming my appointment for NEXT WEEK and setting into motion all the insurance stuff and paper work involved.  I drove by the building where OU Infertility is housed and immediately got butterflies in my stomach.  I'm not really sure whether this is all fear or excitement or worry.  It's probably a healthy dose of all 3 of those and other things.  I've probably asked Jonathan a million times "what would happen if...". He's of course very gracious and caring in his answers, but the bottom line is that lots of my worries are irrational.  They are worries about things that are SO unlikely to actually be realities.  I find myself thinking that if those things ARE found, I'll just pass them off as "See, I told you this wouldn't be easy."  And maybe it won't be.  If our last 5 years on the baby front are any indication, it definitely won't be.  But then again...maybe this is just such a wide open door for us that God will just perfectly orchestrate everything and we'll be announcing our precious angels sooner rather than later...

I had a conversation with my mother-in-law Bernice yesterday and got unexpectedly emotional when the words "I'm just ready for my kids to be here" came out of my mouth.  I think that's because THOSE words are really my heart right now.  I am just SO ready for our babies to get here.  I'm ready to meet them, to name them, to bring them home.  I'm so ready to be able to join into those "mommy convos" and be a voice of experience, I'm so ready for our babies to meet our family.  I can't wait to hear my babies say "Pa" or "Nene" or "Papa".  I can't wait to see Jonathan kiss their precious newborn heads, can't wait to see their tiny fingers wrapped around his.  I can't wait to smell their newborn baby heads, can't wait for them to be a part of our lives...

And I want all of that so bad that I'm terrified that it's all going to come crashing down once again and I won't know how to pick myself back up from that.  I'm terrified that we will find what our "problem" is and that it won't be fixable.  My girlfriend Sara said she didn't like me saying that this was our only shot.  Because what if it doesn't work the first time...then what?  And I honestly don't know.  I can say that I've become very familiar with how it feels to take a negative pregnancy test over these past 5 years.  So maybe if this first round doesn't work I can pitch out the reality of the money that we spent and just process it like a negative pregnancy test.  I really don't even know...I don't like to even think about that!

But then again...maybe I will be in unfamiliar territory in the next coming months.  Maybe I will be overwhelmingly emotional because NONE of my worries became a reality.  Maybe Dr. Hansen was the missing piece all these years.  And maybe this really IS our year!  Maybe I will have to learn how to process a POSITIVE pregnancy test and an ultrasound that reveals a perfectly placed sac and a strong heartbeat.  Maybe my tears will be full of joy instead of pain!

We leave tomorrow to spend Father's Day weekend with my parents and my sister and her family.  I'm grateful for what promises to be a nice distraction as we get closer and closer to this appointment on Monday morning.  Otherwise I might spend this weekend making myself crazy over things I have literally NO control over!  But if you think of us in the next 5-6 days, say a little prayer for us and one for Dr. Hansen.  To say this is getting real is the understatement of the century.  I mean...it's a reality now.  We are locked in and ready as we will ever be to do this thing...

Just Beyond Our Anxieties...

Jonathan and I are back in the promised land (a.k.a.-the good ol' US of A), but we haven't really "landed" anywhere yet.  We spent 4 glorious days in Houston with the Hendersons just relaxing and catching up.  We went to UBC on Sunday where several women got together to pray over me in anticipation of what's to come in our lives in the coming months.  It was so refreshing and centering.  Made me feel like I'm really ready to take this next step and go for it with IVF.  Those prayers and those women gave me just the solid ground I needed to be able to go forward boldly and with confidence into this "great unknown"...

I am praying fervently for peace and calm from my Lord these days.  What remains in our 2014 are things that have the potential for unspeakable joy, crippling anxiety, super human strength, and/or debilitating pain.  I am reminded of what it took to get us out of the USA into the Caribbean to start medical school.  Satan was ALL over the place just throwing road blocks in our way.  Pulling out all the stops to keep us from going.  He made us wonder often if we were doing the right thing.  He made us question our faith, question our God, question our calling.  Once we finally got there, we knew why.  Because we found God where we went.  We found Him in the beauty of those islands, in the faces of His people, in the quietness of our simple lives, and in Jonathan's success in medical school.  Satan didn't want us to experience any of that amazing love, but we did it anyway and we found God waiting just beyond our anxieties.  He was waiting and softly calling and we had to step out into the waves and take His hand to see how marvelous His plan for our lives was!

And here we are again at a crossroads.  Bracing ourselves to push through our anxieties, ignore the fact that we have literally no freakin' clue what's going to happen even in the next 90 days, and reach out and take His hand and trust that He's got this covered.  I am more than fully aware that the enemy lurks like a hungry lion just waiting to devour us.  He is diligent in waiting and watching for our human nature to give way so that he can find a foothold to take us down.  There is some comfort in that knowing...because I've learned to recognize those jabs and convert my pain and fear into anticipation for what's to come.  If Satan is being this vigilant, it must mean he knows there is something amazing waiting for us just beyond our fear and worry...

So in the next few months, if you think of us, please say a prayer for us.  Pray for peace and calm, pray for protection from the enemy, and ask that God be present and real for us as we keep completing the difficult task of seeing beyond our anxieties.  He is faithful, He never fails, and He has our best interest at heart.  I *know* He won't forsake us, whatever the outcome of the next few months.  He is requiring super human strength from both of us right now.  Which means the only way we are going to come out on the other side of all of this is with full and complete reliance on Him.  He is able to do immeasurably more than we ask or can imagine.  And we are banking on that right now.  Gripping tightly to His promises and soaking up as much reassurance from our support system as we can get.  As we are mindful of His presence, we ask that you, as our support system, remind us to watch and pray.  Remind us of the army we have behind us.  Here we go y'all...it's starting to get real...

On This Mother's Day...

About a year ago, I came across an idea on Pinterest.  A mother had started writing letters to her children starting the day they were born.  Her plan was to compile all these letters and give them to her daughter on a special occasion in her adulthood.  Maybe when she left for college or got married. It was so inspiring!

So inspiring, in fact, that I decided to start my own letters.  So I write to my future children every so often.  When they're on my mind or I'm sad they're not here yet.  So today, on this Mother's Day, I thought I would give you a little glimpse of my musings.  I'll let you know that some of my baby names are revealed in this post.  Lots of you already know my first girl name.  Eventually I'll post my "Full Disclosure Baby Names" post and you can see what the others are.  For now, I picked a sweet note I wrote to my Maggie Soutine  in October of last year.  If you're a mommy already, I would encourage you to start writing to your kids.  What a special thing to be able to give them eventually!  If you are waiting for your angels like me, write to them too!  It's therapeutic and it reminds me that they're on their way!

October 20, 2013

My Sweet, Beautiful Maggie,

You are on my heart today.  Really you’re on my heart every day, but today especially, my heart aches for you.  I heard someone say the other day that their arms were aching to hold a baby.  Well, my arms ache to hold you!  One of my best friends, her name is Rachel too, just had a baby this week.  You will get to know him one day…his name is Henry.  He’s a beautiful baby boy…I think he looks just like Rachel!  It’s surreal for me to start seeing my best friends and my sister having babies.  When they’re born they inevitably look like just the perfect representation of them.  A baby, perfectly manufactured by God, with their features and personality.  It’s pretty cool! 

Man, I can’t wait for you to get here.  It’s going to be a glorious day!  Each month I pray for you.  I think about that egg being released into my body and I wonder “Is this Maggie?  Is this Greysen?”  One sweet day, it will be.  One fine, sweet day I’ll take another positive pregnancy test and your daddy will wrap me up in that impossibly excited hug that says “We’re gonna have a baby!!”  And you’ll be on your way my sweet girl.   And I won’t be able to contain myself when I see your sweet face for the first time.  I will be overwhelmed!  It will take my breath away when I hear your heartbeat on ultrasound, when I feel you move inside of me for the first time, when I get hooked up to all the machines in the hospital on the day of your birth… Because all those things will remind me that your life is about to begin.  Your life which I’ve prayed for, hoped for, dreamed of…it’s about to start.  All those things I kept hidden away in my heart will soon be a reality.  I’ll be your mommy…finally!  That day is coming for sure.  My God solidifies that for me on a daily basis!

The waiting is hard.  I cry for you.  I long for you.  Some days I don’t understand why you’re not here yet.  Most days I feel like I won’t be able to wait another cycle to see that positive pregnancy test.  I question God.  I plead with Him to PLEASE send me my babies.  Sometimes I feel like He doesn’t hear me.  But I know, deep down, that He does.  And He’s setting up the perfect life for you and me and Daddy.  The perfect timing.  If you come soon Daddy will be a resident before you have the capacity to remember all this hard stuff.  We will be living in a nice house, in a good neighborhood.  Daddy will be making enough money for us to go on nice vacations and have nice things.  You will never want for anything my darling.  Your daddy and I will be able to provide the most perfect life for you.  We are sacrificing now for YOUR future, my love.  For YOURS!

Every day I pray for you.  Every day I ask God to send you to me.  And I have faith that He will make that a reality so very soon.  I was created to be a mommy.  To be YOUR Mommy!  And I just can’t wait for the day when I can say “Hi Maggie…I’m your mommy!”  It will be such a sweet precious day!  I can’t wait to see your daddy hold you and look at you and tell you how beautiful you are.  You’ll have him wrapped around your tiny little finger in no time.  Watching him love you will make my heart so full.  He can’t wait for you to get here either!

Until that sweet, sweet day arrives…we watch and wait for you my Maggie Soutine…

Love Beyond Words,

Mommy 

For I Know The Plans I Have For You...

Wanna know where my mind has been these past few weeks?  Well...judging by the fact that in the last month Jonathan has taken two pivotal tests and we've packed up our apartment, I'd say it's been on the future!  You know, a large part of the medical school journey includes the fear of the unknown.  There is always that chance that even though you work really, really hard, you might still have abandoned everything for this and not see a positive outcome.  After the results from the first mini exam were posted in MERP nearly 2 years ago, Jonathan was really displeased with his scores.  I mean REALLY displeased.  He was beyond frustrated with himself saying things like "I'm in med school now.  I can't just take a bad test the first go round and then redeem myself the second time around anymore."  But that was the turning point for him...for us.  His quote then was this:

"Babe.  I made us give up everything for this.  And I promise I'm going to make this happen.  I'm not going to let this end in failure.  Whatever is in my power to do, I'm going to do it.  And this WILL end in an M.D."

A bit of determination, huh?  And you know, ever since then he has not quit amazing me.  Both with his tenacity and with his scores.  It's becoming more and more real this idea that what he is doing right now is setting us up for a beautiful future.  He's had a vision all along.  THIS is when I realize how invested he's been in our future.  How smart and calculated he's been.  And how serious he has been all along about that promise he made to my dad nearly 8 years ago when he asked for my hand in marriage.  He promised he would take care of me in the way that I've been accustomed to being taken care of.  And even though the journey to get there has meant lots of sacrifice and difficulty along the way, our future is bright, bright, bright!

In these past few weeks I've been dreaming about our future home.  All the wonderful vacations we will take our children on.  All the road trips to visit family and friends.  The fact that our babies will go to college on our dime, never want for anything, have beautiful weddings, and experience the world.  How gorgeous is our family's future??  

The hardest part of this journey through medicine will likely be those first 2 years of internship and residency.  I know this full well.  I remember as a child *hating* those nights that my daddy wasn't home because he was working shift work.  As a little girl, your house never seems quite safe enough when your protector isn't there at tonight.  In retrospect I know how difficult that work must have been for my dad.  But I know now that his choice to take on those "scut work" type jobs meant that he built a reputation for himself and a future for our family.  My sister and I lived a beautiful childhood because of my dad's unwillingness to accept mediocrity in his job.  And I am SO grateful for that!  And I'm excited for my own babies when I consider the fact that my Jonathan is doing that very same thing for them right now...before they're even conceived!  And thankfully, by the grace of God, by the time their ability to form long term memories has developed, residency and long grueling hours at the hospital will be a thing of the past for us.   Their formative years will be when we are making a 6 figure salary, living in a beautiful home, and enjoying great vacations and family time together...

If only our babies right now today could see and hear and experience how much their daddy and I already love them.  If only they could know how hard we are working, what we are sacrificing, to give them a spectacular future.  If only *I* knew 8 years ago what today would look like!  Though I probably wouldn't have believed it, honestly...

We are right on the cusp of one of our turning points in this.  Just a few short weeks will see us ending this Caribbean med school experience and heading back to the states.  A few more weeks will *hopefully* see us with a healthy pregnancy...just months away from realizing one of our most deep seated hopes for our family.  If we are lucky, this time next year we will be holding our baby (or babies) in our arms.  We'll be making plans to head to New York for a year for Jonathan to work through his clinicals.  2 years from now we will be putting the finishing touches on his residency applications.  No way!!  

So our future is bright...and it's exciting to think about it.  The next step in the short term is our first OU appointment.  44 days until we meet Dr. Hansen for the first time and create our official IVF plan!  I just can't believe it's almost here.  But instead of feeling nervous and anxious and scared, I feel excited.  I'm ready.  Jonathan takes the USMLE Step 1 on June 18th and then it's 12 weeks full of focusing on our little (hopefully growing) family and on our future together.  

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  To give you a hope and a future..."-Jeremiah 29:11

He knew before Jonathan and I drew breath, before we fell in love, before we married.  He saw all of this and He said it would be good.  He said He would give us a Hope and a Future.  And He has delivered on all counts so far.  Here's hoping and praying that the next item on His agenda is sending us our miracle babies!