The Daddy Transformation

So Greysen has surpassed the 3 week mark.  I can hardly believe that he will officially be one MONTH old next week.  Crazy!!  He and I have finally settled into a rhythm that is working out quite nicely.  My milk has finally begun to let down and after a great consultation with an IBCLC, we have zeroed in on a nursing position that is comfortable for me and has been MUCH more successful for him to latch.  I think within the next 2 weeks we will be able to ditch the formula completely and he will be satisfied with only pumped milk or directly nursing.  Yay!!  That has been such a tedious, frustrating, and time consuming process, but I'm so proud of Greysen and of myself for persevering through it.  In the long term, we will both be happier for having overcome this roadblock!  The only "pitfall" of us finally figuring it out is that today Greysen has decided the only thing he wants to do is nurse.  I say pitfall, but honestly it really makes me happy.  It's such a great feeling to know I can produce what he really wants and knowing he's happy and satisfied has made all of this hard work worth it...

Today I decided that I wanted to brag on my sweet husband a little.  Most of you know that Jonathan is a medical student.  He is working through his clerkship right now which basically means he's working at the hospital or a clinic as part of his training while also studying for his shelf exams and his board certification exams.  Those things keep him VERY busy.  We've been SO blessed that his timeline in his current Internal Medicine rotation has afforded him the opportunity to be home with me and Greysen quite a bit.  I seriously don't know what I would do without him...

I worried during pregnancy, like probably all women do, that bringing a baby home would totally stress him out.  His job right now requires long hours from him, and I fretted that a baby who was up every 2 hours would just kick his butt.  I didn't want that!  But let me tell you, there was a miraculous change that happened in my husband the literal second that our beautiful son was born!

The second that they put Greysen up on my chest, he became a Daddy...just like I became a Mommy!  I don't think Daddy's get quite enough credit for this in the mainstream media.  Dads are made out to seem incompetent (look through the baby clothes at any store and you'll find onesies that dog on the ability of dads to care for little ones).  I thought that I would have to walk Jonathan through every little detail of caring for an infant (as if I had any real knowledge myself!).  But I was SO totally wrong about that!

He never once was uncomfortable holding Greysen.  The first night in the hospital, while he was bedded down across the room on the pull out couch, he was constantly sitting up in bed and checking on me and the baby...worrying about us and making sure we were both ok.  Ever since Greysen has been here, he has been nothing but supportive.  He wakes up at night to change diapers and feed and snuggle Greysen without hesitation if I need him to.  Every evening around 9:30 we begin Greysen's bedtime routine.  That includes a bath by Mommy and a lavender lotion leg massage by Daddy.  Then I nurse him while Jonathan tackles the task of washing and disinfecting bottles.  He makes me a glass of Mother's Milk tea every night and preps all the bottles we will need for overnight so that I don't have to leave our bed to feed Greysen at 3:00 AM.  He has taken over cooking meals for us and cleaning the kitchen.  He helps with laundry, he's made countless trips to Walmart or Babies R Us to grab last minute items that we've needed.  He has been INCREDIBLY supportive of my breastfeeding endeavors right down to sitting next to me and helping to position Greysen or even my breast correctly to get a good latch working.  He valiantly fields my hormonal meltdowns and always says the right things to make me feel better.  There have been moments in mothering where I have totally freaked out and he has been completely cool headed and methodical about fixing the problem (i.e.-the time Greysen started gagging on some mouth goo...I panicked and Jonathan calmly got the bulb syringe and sucked out the goo from his throat...phew!)...

My husband is a new man now that this sweet little baby is a part of our lives.  His paradigms have shifted just like mine have.  It makes my heart soar when I see Greysen contentedly focusing on his Daddy's face.  When Jonathan scoops him up and snuggles him into the crook of this arm or Greysen falls peacefully asleep on his chest, I just can hardly contain the love I feel for my two dudes.  Just like in our dating years and in our marriage, Jonathan is my literal other half.  He completes the parts of me that are lacking and he holds me up and loves me and Greysen better than anyone could.  He is sacrificial in his love too, because honestly he'd have every right to tap out at 11:00 every night and bed down with some ear plugs so he could be good and rested for the next day's work.  Instead he dutifully cares for me and for his son without regard to his own needs sometimes.  My gratitude for who he is in my life and in Greysen's life probably can't be fully expressed in words.  I know new motherhood has created times where I forget to tell him how much I appreciate him or how much I love him.  I do try but I get overwhelmed with everything sometimes...those are the times that at 2:00 AM I am lying awake after a feeding kicking myself for not expressing those things to him.  The man should get a medal for the amazing father and husband that he is.  I know I'm a lucky girl!

So I say all that to say this: husbands and daddies deserve more credit than they get.  Jonathan is the kind of man who steps up to help even when he's not asked to.  I think most new dads would relish the opportunity to take on tasks that make them feel needed and necessary in caring for an infant.  I can say with full confidence that my Jonathan is NEEDED and NECESSARY when it comes to caring for Greysen.  I literally don't know what I would do without him...

The Dirty Truth About the First Two Weeks (And How I Lived to Tell the Tale...)

Ok folks, if you know me you know I'm not one for beating around the bush.  I like to be up front and honest and lay it all out there.  Is there really any other way?  Coming into new motherhood, I was vaguely aware of the struggles that new mothers face.  Sleep deprivation, missing showering, healing from the actual delivery, etc.  But honestly, nobody could have prepared me for what these first two weeks were going to *really* look like.  I think there are two reasons why these struggles are such a blindside to most new mommies.  1) Because veteran moms don't want to scare expecting mother's with talk of the "hard stuff", and 2) Because it's tough for moms to admit when they struggle.  Now being on the other side of that fence, I can vouch for both of those reasons.  But being who I am, I've decided that I want to lay it out there for all the expecting mommies out there and those who just brought new babies home, as well as give those veteran mommies out there an opportunity to say "Oh my gosh...ME TOO!!".  So here ya go:

The First Two Nights

I'd like to say that the struggles we had in the first two nights were due in large part to our tumultuous discharge process, but I know that really the things I experienced were normal.  Every mommy experiences them on some level.   I won't bore you with the details of the fiasco that was our discharge, but suffice to say that we weren't released from the hospital until nearly 11:00 PM and therefor there was NO way we were going to be able to even *try* to let brand new baby Greysen wind down before it was time to bed down.  I thought I was prepared for the no sleeping.  I was not.  This kid has a pair of lungs on him!  I swear he screamed through the entire night the first night and 85% of the second.  It was like he was the most pleasant and placid baby when the sun was up, and then as soon as it was officially night time, he turned into exorcist baby.  Thank the Lord for my mother who came in and out of our room throughout both nights to help rock and soothe him, change diapers, and wipe tears...off MY face.  I felt like the worst mother in the world because I didn't know how to make him stop crying.  I held him, I patted him, I changed his diaper, I *tried* to feed him, I scratched his back, I sang to him, I shushed him, etc.  NOTHING worked.  And so I cried...A LOT.  Inconsolable tears, feeling like a failure, feeling like I was so far out of my league.  I kept saying, "I don't know how to fix it!" while I sobbed.  I was hormonal, I was exhausted, and I was in pain.  I refused to take the percocet that my doctor prescribed me because it zonks me out.  I was terrified that I wouldn't wake up if he started choking or gasping for air if I was doped on percocet.  But the 800 mg of Ibuprofen I was taking was barely taking the edge off the pain.  More on that shortly.  Bottom line is that the first two nights were possibly the longest and most difficult 48 hours of my life.  I never lost love for my sweet baby, but man was I frustrated.  Where had my sweet little snoozing bundle gone?  I was left with this angry little baby siren who could not be soothed between the hours of midnight and 8:00 AM.  Oh man, was I at a loss...

My Poor Lady Bits

Boys...avert your eyes if your squeamish.  It's about to get real.  I had a normal vaginal delivery with Greysen.  I only pushed for about 10-12 minutes total!  But I did have a second degree tear (which I *think* means that my skin down there tore more than a centimeter, but the muscle stayed intact).  I say I *think* because I refuse to pull out a hand mirror and look for myself.  If it looks half as horrible as it felt, I never want to see it again!  I was not adequately prepared for this aspect.  Within hours of delivery once my epidural had worn off (which it was mostly gone by the time I began pushing anyway), I was in pain.  My sweet labor nurse helped me to the bathroom from the delivery bed and I swear it felt like I'd been riding a horse for 3 weeks straight.  She taught me how to care for myself and how to build my, as I like to refer to it, "lady diaper cocktail".  Witch hazel pads, cortisone cream, a Neosporin type ointment with a numbing element in it, and a good generous spritz of Dermoplast (oh how I love that stuff...it's been my life saver...).  All of which has to be built onto the biggest maxi pad I've ever seen in my life.  Like seriously, the diapers we are putting on Greysen right now aren't as big as these things.  And Kicha had me layering two of them together inside my super sexy mesh hospital panties (another thing I was insanely grateful for).  So I got all set up and then got back in bed to snuggle my munchkin until they brought the wheelchair to take me to recovery.  I've never been so scared to sit on a flat surface in my life.  Oh yeah...nobody really prepared me for the hemorrhoid situation either.  I had never had them before so I didn't know what they really were.  But I definitely know now!  Best I can describe the experience of those glorious little things is that when you sit down it feels like someone whooped your butt with a spiked club.  Ouch!  Not to mention, every single move I made made me feel like my nether regions were going to explode.  Literally.  And from that point until about 2-3 days ago, my lady bits felt like ground beef.  Like I had literally been beat with a cat of nine tails between my legs.  That made getting up and down with Greysen all day and night a superhuman feat.  Even just sitting up in bed was excruciating.  Jonathan had to help pull me up, prop me up, stand me up, etc.  I winced in pain every time I sat down or stood up.  Pain meds only just barely took the edge off the pain.  I learned the hard way too that I might not regain the sensation of needing to go to the bathroom for a while, but if I didn't go regularly my uterus and my bladder would "be at odds" and simply going to the bathroom would be excruciating.  I just hurt.  All the time.  Which made the things that were difficult with Greysen even more difficult since I was basically immobile.  It took superhuman strength to muscle through the pain and care for my new baby...

Let's Be Honest About Breastfeeding

Alright girls, let's get real here.  Before giving birth I had read every article I could get my hands on about nursing.  I read The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding cover to cover.  I was as prepared as I possibly could have been before Greysen got here.  Which was honestly...NOT AT ALL!  Most literature on breastfeeding paints this picture:  You will give birth and within minutes your new baby will be searching for your nipple.  He/She will latch on and it will be the most beautiful, natural bonding experience between you and your baby.  After that, just continue bringing baby to your breast as often as they want to nurse in order to establish good habits.  Now if you're a woman whose experience was like this, man am I jealous!  Mine, and I'm certain the majority of others, was a completely different experience.  Yes, within a few hours of birth, Greysen was giving me hunger cues.  He was sticking his tongue out and trying to suck his hands.  So I nervously offered him my breast.  Yep...he immediately started searching for the nipple.  And guess what??  Two weeks later, HE'S STILL SEARCHING! :)  It gets a little better every day, but man THIS has been the postpartum experience I was least prepared for.  I have cried more times than I can count because he was screaming and couldn't find my nipple to latch.  And when he miraculously did latch, he would spit it right out and scream.  He would (and still does) reach up to the top of my breast and drag his little fist down trying desperately to get milk to come out.  But even now today, there's not much there.  Yes, he's still tiny and doesn't need much to satisfy his tiny little tummy, but my little dude was HUNGRY.  I had been completely scared away from offering him a pacifier or formula because of "nipple confusion" and worry that he would "prefer" the formula or the faster flow of a bottle over my breast and would therefor refuse my breast eventually.  So the first night, though my mom and mother in law both tried to convince me to give him a half ounce of formula just to satiate his hunger, I refused because I felt like giving in to the formula made me a bad mom, a failure, and a quitter.  The second night, after wrestling with him for literally 24 hours trying to get him to nurse long enough to get enough colostrum out of my breast, I "gave in" and fed that poor baby a half ounce of formula.  And guess what??  He took it, sighed a sigh of relief, and fell peacefully asleep in my arms.  And I cried.  Because THEN I felt like a horrible mother because I felt like I'd been starving him.  His poor tummy was empty!  So I say that to say this:  FEED YOUR BABY.  Don't let any book or any person tell you that feeding your baby formula while you're trying to get into a rhythm of breastfeeding is "tapping out".  Guess what??  Greysen still knows where "the good stuff" comes from.  Even though I am still supplementing with formula at each feeding until I'm producing enough milk to satisfy him, he still eats a little from the bottle and then insists on nursing.  He "dolphin dives" over my shoulder looking for my breast.  And the little trooper works and works at it.  I'm so proud of him for that.  And it's only been within the last 48 hours that he's even been successful at latching to my breast at each feeding.  That is a miracle that can only be contributed to the prayers of some sweet girlfriends who I went to in tears when things just weren't working.  It's tough not to take it personally when your baby screams at your breast while you try to stuff your nipple in their searching mouth and they keep spitting it out.  Incredibly frustrating...

How I Surived

As difficult as these two weeks have been, I would gladly relive them over and over.  Why?  Because Greysen is beyond worth it.  When he does drift off to sleep at night (which, by the way, he is sleeping for 3 hour stretches at a time at night now!), I can't quit staring at his perfect peaceful face.  I'm healed up almost completely, but when I look at my body in the mirror I am reminded of the 37+ weeks that he lived inside me so cozy and warm, and I'm once again awed by what my own body was able to do.  I keep plugging away at this nursing thing because when he *does* latch, it's a giant victory.  And I feel incredible because I know he's learning how to get what he needs from me, and I feel accomplished because I'm able to offer it to him.  It's the understatement of the century to say that mothering is the most difficult yet rewarding thing in the world.  It's completely true.  You will never feel more frustrated in your life while simultaneously feeling like you would give your right arm for this tiny baby screaming at 3:00 AM.  Motherhood is empowering at the same time that you feel weaker and more lost than you've ever felt.  It's unique to motherhood.  But with each passing day I get stronger, Greysen gets more advanced, and we get closer and closer to "getting it".  No doubt there will be challenges through the rest of my career as a mother, but for now, we count the tiny successes, make note of them, and try to replicate them as frequently as possible.  

Newborn Baby Must Haves

Finally I wanted to share a few items that, in retrospect, I would not have been able to survive without (click the names for a link to the item):

The MyBrestFriend Pillow

I had a Boppy pillow, but me and Greysen just couldn't connect with it.  The MyBrestFriend pillow was a lifesaver that my mother went out and bought me on Day 2 at home.  

The Boppy Newborn Lounger

Greysen refuses to sleep in anything else.  He naps in it and he sleeps in it at night.  He also gets his nightly baby massage in it.  He LOVES it!  And therefor so do Mommy and Daddy...

Playtex Vent Aire Bottles and Breast Shaped Nipples

We went through two other types of bottles before zeroing in on these.  Honestly, Greysen's latch to my breast improved tremendously after we introduced these bottles.  The flow out of the Breast Shaped Nipples is SUPER slow and mimics my breast.  The switching back and forth that he does during feedings is no big deal because of the miracle that is these bottles and nipples

Tommee Tippee Pacifiers

Every baby is different, but MY baby refuses all pacifiers but these bad boys.  We stocked up on them the other day because they are the only ones he will take and he is able to keep them in his mouth easily even without a lot of control over his hands...

Wipes Warmer

Greysen does not deal well with dirty or wet diapers.  As soon as he's wet or poopy he wants it off his bottom.  The wipes warmer makes it less of a shock to his tushy when we change him, not to mention it makes getting stuck on poop off his bottom MUCH easier!

Nuk Disposable Breast Pads

Not for the reason you would think!  I don't like them for breast pads because they leave fuzz on my nipple.  But they work GREAT to shield us from sprinkles while diaper changing!  I use one every time I change Greysen's diaper.  If he has a peepee accident while I'm changing him, those breast pads soak it all up!

So there ya have it.  The dirty truth.  Don't get me wrong, as difficult as it's been, I am deliriously happy and content.  I LOVE my Greysen, I've been in awe of the Daddy transformation that has happened in my husband, and I'm grateful every moment for the miracle that is my son.  If you're the type that is a champion for breastfeeding and your fingers are hovering over the keyboard itching to give me advice or scold me for the formula or the pacifier, let me save you the time.  Greysen is happy and healthy and we are getting it little by little and we ARE going to master the art of breastfeeding in our own way and in our own time.  We are finding our own rhythm and that's what it's all about!  If you're a new mommy or an expecting mommy, feel free to message me and ask me questions or look for solidarity.  You know I'll be honest with you! ;)

On This Mother's Day...

Today I celebrate Mother's Day as an actual Mommy!  As I think back on the 5 Mother's Days that I spent longing for that title, I am humbled and awed by the fact that today, in 2015, I am waking up to MY own wiggly baby.  He had a bit of a fussy night last night that was only remedied by Mommy scooping him up, putting him on my chest, and singing The Greatest Commands as he drifted off to dreamland.  I could have been annoyed at his refusal to settle and sleep in his bassinet, but instead I tried to soak up those hours of sleep with his tiny chest rising and falling on top of my own...

There will come a day when he won't need me like he does now.  In an impossibly short amount of time he will be too big for me to scoop up and lay on my chest while we both sleep.  One day soon, instead of crying, he will simply say "Mommy I'm hungry," or "Mommy I want _____."  Today he tells me that something's not right in his world by crying.  Which many times hurts my heart, but I tirelessly trial and error his needs until he soothes and drifts off to sleep.  I work on less hours of sleep than I can count on one hand, yet I am still ready and more than willing to tackle another day despite my weariness...

Each time I look at his face, I fall in love a little more.  He is the perfect mash up of me and Jonathan.  His sparkling eyes are awe inspiring and I can't get enough of looking into them.  He is beginning to visually recognize me and most times when our eyes lock, he registers this recognition with the beginnings of an infant smile.  When he nurses, which we are still working to get the hang of, he snuggles in like it's the most heavenly thing he's ever experienced.  He'll wrap his arms around my breast like he never wants to let it go.  When he's had a good nursing session, he will pull away and contentedly look around the room and at me...completely at peace.  There are few things in this world that make me feel more accomplished and complete than that...

So Greysen, here in 2015, I'm celebrating motherhood for the first time because YOU made me a mommy.  You came racing into this world just a short 12 days ago and you changed your mommy and your daddy's lives forever.  We already have trouble remembering what our lives were like before taking care of you was our number one priority.  Being a mother is the most difficult job I've ever done, but it's also the most beautiful task I've ever been entrusted with.  This morning, waking up to your tiny weight resting peacefully on my chest, I was reminded of what my heart *used* to feel like when I would wake up on Mother's Day.  Empty and longing...keeping tears at bay on this day was so hard.  But today, my heart is full and overflowing...keeping tears at bay is still hard though...because when I look at you my heart can't contain the love I have for you.  You are perfect in every way possible, even when you're being a toot (which you kind of are today...).  This Mother's Day I celebrate bringing you into this world and getting the awesome responsibility of being *your* Mommy.  It's a job I definitely do not take lightly.  With each passing day I love you more, I'm inspired by you more, and I'm in awe of what a beautiful creation of the Father you are.  So yes, Happy Mother's Day to me, but also Happy Mother's Day to you my son.  You made me a Mommy...

Greysen Neil Womack's Birth Story

Our sweet baby boy is already a week old.  I can't believe it!  If he had decided to stay in until his due date or later I would still be pregnant right now.  It's true what they say that babies come when they're ready to come.  Greysen was more than ready to come out and meet his family!  So I decided I wanted to take a minute to lay out the goings on of his arrival late in the evening on April 28th, 2015:

I had been having mild contractions on and off for about 2 weeks.  My first prenatal cervical checks revealed that I had already dilated to 2 cm and was about 50% effaced, and there was really no change between weeks 36 and 37 other than the fact that Greysen had turned anterior and was now in position to really start descending...

At around 8:30 AM on that Tuesday morning I started having regular contractions.  They were about 10-12 minutes apart, but were definitely getting a little stronger over time.  I told Jonathan that he should probably stay home from his rotation, so he texted his preceptor and told him that I was possibly in labor.  Dr. Casadesus was very understanding and told him to stay home with me and keep him updated on my status...

I laid in bed and "labored" for a few hours until Jonathan said, "Babe, I think we need to go to the hospital. Even if they send us home, we should at least get you checked out."  Honestly, I wasn't really sure what I was supposed to be feeling when "real labor" started, so I had to agree...

Of course, in true Rachel Womack form, I decided I needed to shower and "get ready" before we headed to the hospital.  Of course by this point I was pretty tired from breathing through contractions and trying to find a comfortable position for like 3 hours that I wasn't sure I could stand up in the shower for the amount of time it would take to get clean.  So Jonathan, in true champion husband form, got in the shower with me and washed my hair while I sat in the floor of the tub and rocked myself through contractions.  I felt much better when it was time to get out of the tub, but as soon as I stood up I vomited in the tub.  Jonathan whisked me out of the tub and I vomited several more times in the toilet.  That was our cue.  Yep...something's happening so we need to gather up our hospital bags and head to Memorial West...

By the time we got up to prenatal triage, they put me in a room, hooked me up to monitors, and checked me.  I was at 3 cm and about 75% effaced and the contractions were coming every 5-6 minutes.  The nurse came back about an hour later and rechecked me.  No change.  She called my doctor who said she would like me to do some walking and then get checked again.  She wanted me at a 4 in order to keep me.  So we walked and walked and did squats and walked the stairs.  When we came back and the nurse checked me, she said yet again that there was no change.  She said the effacement was *possibly* a little further progressed, but for the most part I was the same.  We were fully expecting to be sent home (which I was NOT happy about...)...

Then about 30 minutes later, in strolls Dr. Velarde (my Ob/Gyn).  She checked me herself and said in a whisper, "If it's all the same to you, I think you're too far along for me to feel good about sending you home, and I'd like to just strip your membranes and keep you."  To which I of course said "Yes PLEASE!".  I had decided in my head that getting my membranes stripped was going to hurt, but after she left, I honestly wasn't sure if she'd stripped them or not.  But I figured she must have, because about 5 minutes later my contractions started coming every 2-3 minutes and were definitely increasing in intensity.  They came in and wheeled me to the delivery room.  On the way there the nurse said, "Ok, we're going to get you hooked up in here and then Dr. Velarde will be in to break your water and we will start a pitocin drip."  Which is when I started minorly freaking out!

Once I got hooked up to everything I decided that I needed a minute to woosah and wrap my brain around the fact that I was going to be meeting my baby boy sometime tonight.  It was a bit of a whirlwind!  Not to mention, my mother was literally in transit at this point.  She was on her way to the airport in Dallas to try and make it to Ft. Lauderdale.  She was due to get to the hospital around 11:30.  So when Dr. Velarde came in I asked her to wait an hour to break my water and that I wanted to hold off on the pitocin drip until I knew more how my labor was going to progress naturally...

An hour later, in she came to break my water.  WEIRDEST. FEELING. EVER.  Again I had it in my mind that getting my water broken was going to hurt like heck.  It totally didn't.  What hurt was the contractions measuring in the 80-100 range coming every 30 seconds to 1 minute.  At first I was able to breath through them.  But when they started coming so quickly that the let down of one coincided with the build up of another (and the fact that I'd been having contractions since 8:30 that morning and I was exhausted), I told Jonathan that when they came in to check me if I wasn't at at least a 6 I wanted the epidural (the last check had me at a 4 1/2).  When Kicha came in (my labor nurse who was AMAZING...I don't know what I would have done without her) and checked me, I was at a 5.  When she said that I said "Tap out!"  And Jonathan translated to her, "She is ready for an epidural."

Kicha literally went right outside and grabbed the anesthesiologist and brought her in the room because they were about 15 minutes away from a shift change.  The anesthesiologist was not a very pleasant person.  That experience was less than fun.  Especially with contractions coming at the rate and intensity that they were while I had to stay perfectly still.  But almost immediately my legs started tingling and I began feeling lots better.  I also started puking (which I did from that point until right before I left for recovery) and my belly started itching like a million ants were biting me.  Zofran and a low dose of Pitocin in my IV and then I was out like a light.  Napped for a good hour while my body labored away and Greysen kept moving right on down.  Jonathan and Bernice both were amused at watching the machine track my contractions while I slept peacefully...

I woke up to Kicha coming in to check me again.  She said, "Ok mama, you're at a good 6 1/2 and baby's head is right there!  Daddy, do you want to feel?"  So Jonathan donned some surgical gloves and the look on his face when he felt the top of Greysen's head was priceless.  I wish I had had a camera!  He said "It's like a real little baby head down there!".  Kicha then went back in to see if she could get my cervix to get a little more out of the way.  In a matter of seconds I was at a 7 1/2 and feeling LOTS of pressure.  She turned me on my side to see if we could get Greysen to move on down.  As soon as I turned over, I felt the urge to push.  It was SUPER intense!  So they called in Dr. Velarde to get prepped...

I turned on my back when she got there about 10 minutes later and I was at a solid 10.  While they prepped the room (and Jonathan and Bernice prepped cameras and what not) I felt like I was literally having to hold him in.  That urge to push is REAL!  By that point my epidural was only really taking the edge off.  But I'm grateful for that because I think it made the last hour of delivery go much smoother and quicker.  They got my legs up in the saddles and it was time to push.  HARDEST. THING. I'VE. EVER. DONE.  Thank the Lord it only took me about 10 pushes and he was here...

I remember Dr. Velarde and Kicha saying "Rachel look down!  Your baby is here!  Here he is!!"  And when I looked down out came this little tiny baby tushy and they tossed him up on my belly.  I remember wailing, "That's my baby! That's my baby!!" Kicha said, "Baby Greysen we've been waiting for you!"  I patted his little bottom and held his little hands and when they turned him over to face me and I started talking to him, he stopped crying and started trying to open his eyes.  He knew who his mama was!  And when Jonathan started talking to him he tracked the sound of his voice.  He was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen (though I kept saying, "Greysen you are so beautiful!  But that umbilical cord is kinda yucky...").  I didn't want to give him up, but they had to weigh him and do all his triage.  I reluctantly handed him over to the nurse and Daddy followed him over to the warming table.  Just about that time, my mom walked into the room.  Almost perfect timing.  Dr. Velarde continued working on me while I craned my neck to see his weight and length and his APGAR score (9.9!)...

Greysen Neil Womack

April 28th, 2015

11:09 PM

8 lbs. 3 oz.

20 1/2" 

It was an experience well beyond my expectations.  It was scary, but I've also never felt more fearless in my life. I've never felt so much pain, but I've also never felt so empowered.  He was and is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life.  I can't quit looking at him!  My life changed forever a week ago.  And Jonathan couldn't have put it more eloquently than he did a few nights ago when he said, "I feel like a more complete human being..."  It's so true.  We were made for this experience and Greysen was made just for us.  I will never be the same again...

Dear Sleep Deprived New Mommy,

So here we are...mere weeks away from meeting our Magnum Opus.  I still can't really believe it!  I have my first cervical check tomorrow afternoon and our last ultrasound is scheduled for Friday afternoon.  I think by the end of this week we will have a pretty clear picture of what my body is doing and whether Greysen is really as "engaged" in my pelvis as I think he is.  We are still hoping he holds out until at least May 1st (which is a short 17 days away!), but I thought I should go ahead and write this post now in case he decides to come even more fashionably early than that...

I've read about a million articles and blogs and listened to the advice of mothers across the spectrum. Those who just welcomed their little ones into the world all the way up to "empty nesters" and grandmothers.  When it comes to a newborn baby, there is a common thread present among women who have "been there done that".  That common thread is, "It's the hardest and yet most rewarding thing you'll ever do.  And they don't stay tiny like that for long..."

I know that in a few weeks, my poor body will feel like an 18-wheeler ran it over.  I will be sore in places I didn't know existed.  I will be leaking from places I didn't know could leak.  I will be functioning on so little sleep that I'll feel like a zombie.  But simultaneously I'll be experiencing love on levels I never knew existed.  I will be in the presence of the most beautiful thing I've ever laid eyes on.  My love for my husband will grow exponentially.  And, while I'll feel more broken and helpless than I've ever felt in my life, I will also feel more empowered and fulfilled than I've ever felt in my life...

I decided I should write a post to my postpartum self since I know there will be many a middle of the night where I will need to hear these words of clarity.  I know my hormones will be raging.  I know lack of sleep will play tricks on my mind.  So today, I am writing to the Rachel Womack who will exist in a few weeks.  The new woman who will be nursing her new baby in a new life experience I can't even comprehend right now...

Dear Sleep Deprived Mommy,

Are you feeling overwhelmed yet?  It's highly likely that everything you thought these days and hours would be like is completely and totally different than you could have ever imagined (in wonderful ways as well as terrible ways).  Even though you swore up and down that postpartum depression and anxiety were things you could handle, you're probably thinking "Wow...I didn't expect it to be like this."  Do you miss the simplicity of a good 6-8 hour sleep?  Do you feel beat up and beat down?  Have you lost a little of yourself in all of this?  If so, take a listen to your "prenatal self".  She's clear headed, rested, and *not* leaking from 15 different orifices.  Even though she feels like Humpty Dumpty most days, she wants you to keep a few things in perspective.  Even when you feel like you're out of control...

1) Feeling like the family dairy cow these days?
Remember, new mommy, that your body tried to kick start this breastfeeding thing YEARS before it was supposed to.  Your hormones and your boobs have literally been chomping at the bit to do this job.  And while those cluster feedings and "on demand" nursings can be frustrating and exhausting, remember you were MADE for this.  And remember that sweet baby Greysen just wants to be close to you.  The comfort of your beating heart and your steady breaths and your womb are a thing of the past for him, and now the thing he finds most comforting is the familiarity of your arms and the warmth and sustenance from your breast.  Don't worry...in a few weeks even this will be a thing of the past.  With every passing day he will grow more and more independent and less and less in need of this closeness from you.  And when those days come, you will long for these quiet moments just you and him.  So soak it in, sweet new mommy.  The days of engorgement and leaking and lanolin are few in the grand scheme of things.  You may not miss THOSE parts of nursing, but the fleeting days of your tiny baby needing you so much will be days you'll wish had not passed by so quickly.  Take a deep breath and rock and nurse that tiny baby, lactating mommy.  Babies don't keep!

2) Sleep, sweet sleep.  Where for art thou, dear sweet sleep??
Chances are you're feeling a bit like a zombie these days.  You're likely wondering how no more than an hour and half of sleep in a stretch could possibly sustain a person.  But yet somehow here you are doing it.  The nights and the days are probably blending together at this point.  You might even be staring across the room at your peacefully sleeping husband and thinking you want to hurl something at him to wake him up just so you're not the only one of you awake at this unGodly hour.  But remember, Jonathan's job right now is staying rested and refreshed FOR YOU and for Greysen.  It's his job to go to work every morning and return feeling like he's still got something left to give YOU when his day is done.  You don't really want him to be awake.  What you might be longing for is companionship in these lonely hours.  So text a friend or message another new mommy.  Chances are you aren't the only one feeling like this.  And to reiterate what was said formerly, in a few months 4:00 AM will be the quiet hour it once was.  But your tiny baby will need you less.  Take the bad with the impossibly wonderful good, sleepy mommy...

3) What is this shower thing you are referring to?  And hair and makeup??  I know not of what you speak...
Before the days of Greysen, every hair was in it's place.  Your make up was always done.  Your clothes were always washed.  But today you realized you haven't showered in 3 days, the shirt you're wearing has stains on it that you aren't even sure where from, you smell like breast milk and spit up and butt paste, and you can't remember the last time you broke out your makeup kit.  You're sleep deprived, leaking, and stinky.  But guess what??  Greysen still thinks you're the most amazing woman he's ever known.  Jonathan looks at your sleep deprived, leaking, hormonal, stinky self and thinks you've never been more beautiful or exuded such strength.  Step out of yourself for a moment and realize a few things: 1) Your Strength and Endurance is there whether you realize it or not, 2) You're probably not as crusty and disgusting as you think you are, and 3) This too shall pass.  Soon enough you'll be able to nurse that sweet baby AND put your mascara on.  You'll have showering, getting dressed, and putting those hairs in their places WHILE caring for a baby down to a science.  In the meantime, take a bubble bath with some bath salts.  Heck, bring Jonathan in the bathroom with you and with his help let Greysen enjoy that warm bubble bath with you.  You might get lucky and he'll drift off to a deep "post bath sleep" and you might actually get to shave your legs for once in a blue moon.  Hang in there, leaky stinky mommy...

4) Is the phrase, "I don't think I can do this" floating around in your head more often than you'd like?
Believe it or not, you can.  For that matter...YOU ARE!  There will be days and moments when you'll feel like you're falling short.  He won't sleep, he's not gaining weight, he's got a fever, he won't quit crying, NOTHING IS WORKING!  But in those times, stay grounded.  Don't let yourself slip into that tailspin that the hormones, lack of sleep, and beat up body parts make you so prone to.  Take a breath and remember that YOU CAN DO THIS.  Take the help that's offered.  Let Jonathan rock Greysen while you go sit on the porch and woosah for a minute.  Greysen won't die if he cries for a few minutes in his crib while you take a breather in the kitchen.  Refresh, find your center, and go back in there for round 2.  Even if you're beat up and exhausted, YOU CAN STILL DO THIS.  And when you feel like you can't, let yourself be vulnerable.  Find that inner strength that has to be tapped only when you're at your weakest.  That strength is more powerful than you know.  Be strong, doubting mommy...

5) Romance you say?  Did you NOT read #3??
Missing intimacy these days?  Are you having that inner conundrum that is longing for that closeness with Jonathan but also feeling like you're repulsive at the same time?  Is the thought of sex simultaneously intriguing and also terrifying?  Remember that your relationship with Jonathan and the intimacy within it is not solely based on sex.  Are you longing for those deep conversations that aren't broken up by a crying, demanding baby?  Do you dream about quiet candlelit dinners and lazy Saturdays spent in bed without a care or a responsibility in the world?  Things have changed, yes, but that love is still there.  Chances are, the love between you and Jonathan has reached new heights in the past few weeks.  So you know what?  Strap baby Greysen in that Mobi and hit Sosta Cafe.  Have a glass of wine and gaze dreamily into your husband's eyes.  Hold his hand, tell him how much you love him, and share a good piece of Amaretto Tiramisu with him.  It won't kill you.  And you might be surprised how much less "repulsive" you might feel once you get home from that quiet evening.  The two of you might be ready to "tackle Everest" (if you catch my drift).  The love is still there, dear longing mommy...

In conclusion, take a good look at where you are.  A few short months ago, you wondered if this would ever be you.  You didn't know whether your sweet baby would ever be a reality.  Yet here he is.  Peacefully sleeping in your arms, or nursing like a champ, or pooching that bottom lip out in protest, or looking into YOUR eyes like you're the most wonderful thing he's ever experienced.  And of course you know that HE is the most wonderful thing YOU'VE ever experienced.  A little perspective and some clarity,  new mommy.  That's all you need.  In the bigger picture of Greysen's life, these fleeting moments of new motherhood, as trying as they no doubt are, will be the moments you cherish the most.  You'll blink and he'll be going to Kindergarten, graduating high school, getting married, starting his own family.  But THESE moments will be the ones you cling to when it seems like he no longer needs you.  He will never need you like he does right now, strong mommy.  Embrace it!

Most Sincerely,

Your Centered "Prenatal" Self

Hey Mom...I Mean Mrs. Womack...

As many of you know, I'm a teacher by trade.  Maybe more like a teacher by nature.  I spent 4 years in the states teaching middle school band and then for the 18 months we lived in Dominica I worked at the prep school on campus and then ran a Kindergarten co-op out of my home for a semester.  I just naturally gravitate to opportunities that allow me to care for and teach kids.  I told myself I would *maybe* make a little money being a standardized patient in Dominica, but that was it.   I was going to be a "Caribbean Housewife".   Not surprisingly it only took about 6 weeks for me to get sucked into working at the prep school, and from that point until literal hours before we left the island, I was surrounded by kids.  Teaching is my thing.  Kids are my thing!

For these 8 years of my life while I've been waiting for my own sweet babies to get here, teaching and babysitting and snuggling little ones has filled the "mommy void" for me.  As irritating as it was for my Kindergarteners to grapple for and fight over who got to hold my hand sometimes, secretly it made my heart happy that they wanted to be so close to me.  I can't count how many times I've held a child in my arms, infants all the way up to 6-7 year olds, and they've fallen asleep on my shoulder or against my chest.  My mommy friends would mouth silently to me "Do you want me to take her/him?" and my answer was/is always no.  The sweetness of a sleeping child in your arms is quite possibly one of the most satisfying things in the world.  A tiny fist wrapped around your pinky finger, a bear hug to the thigh, a little one climbing into your lap...all those things were and are intoxicating to me.  Just further evidence that motherhood and nurturing babies is a strong component of my DNA...

Teaching middle school was a venue I never thought would really trigger my "mommy-ing" instincts.  I thought middle schoolers were much more independent and less in need of a "mommy figure" at school.  Boy was I wrong!  How many times did I hear across my band hall, "Hey Mom!...Uh...I mean Mrs. Womack!" and the giggling would ensue.  How many kids came and sat behind my desk with me to bear their souls, joke around, or simply just hang out?  My heart was always so proud when my kids succeeded in whatever they set out to do, but deep inside it made me happiest when they would say "Mrs. Womack, you're my favorite teacher!" or "You were more than a teacher to me."

As the news of my pregnancy has crept across social media, I've heard from several of my former middle school students.  Many of which are about to graduate high school...where did the time go??? Several of them have messaged me remembering the loss I suffered back in September 2009.  Some have reminisced about how hearing that news made them "feel like they had lost a brother or a sister".  But all of them are over the moon excited to see that I'm expecting a baby now.  "Mrs. Womack you're gonna be such a great mom.  You were always like a mom to us!"  Brings a tear to my eye every time...

I am who I am and I will be the mother that I will be here in a few weeks because of this army of children who have wandered in and out of my life over the years.  From freshly born to "tough high schoolers", they've all had a part in shaping my Mommy heart.  I've gotten the privilege of getting to "practice" motherhood.  I've had to scold and then teach lessons.  I've had to put bandaids on boo-boos.  I've had to give tough love.  I've had to learn and implement compassion.  I've challenged kids to reach their full potential.  I've had to know when a child just needs someone to wrap them up in a hug.  I've shed tears over their hurts.  I've rejoiced in their successes.  I've been wholly blessed by their impact on my life!

Greysen Womack is a lucky little dude.  He's had lots of pseudo siblings come before him!  When I talk about my teaching experiences, I still refer to all my munchkins as "my kids".  Because for a moment in time they were.  Perhaps, on some level, they still are.  Even the ones who are mini grown ups now.  I know I am not prepared for the intensity of love that I will feel when they place my own baby in my arms.  But I'd like to think I've been blessed with little slices of that mommy love with all "my kids" across my career and my life.  I've been "Mommy" to so many...and now it's time for me to be Mommy to my very own!

Late Pregnancy: Feeling EVERYTHING

So here I find myself...creeping up on 34 weeks pregnant.  We have a short 6ish weeks left to wait for our beautiful baby Greysen to arrive!  It is *this* point in my pregnancy that I really start feeling myself slip into a completely different state of mind than I've been in up until now. It's some combination of deliriously excited, scared to death, as prepared as I can be, and also completely unprepared all at the same time. I've read all the books, checked everything off the to do list, and after next weeks OB appointment I will be seeing her once a week and she will be checking my cervical progress. Greysen is wiggling and kicking up a storm, and he's already around 4 1/2 pounds according to my perinatologist. When I say things are getting real, I'm not sure I've ever meant it as much as I do right now today!

When I say I'm "feeling everything", I mean that physically and emotionally. Physically my body is feeling the weight of Greysen's growing little baby body. My lower back is weak, my feet, ankles, and hands have begun to swell a little every day, I am frequently short of breath, and my belly feels impossibly huge for my body. I tire easily and when I get up from a sitting position I frequently need help and ALWAYS lead with my belly (which makes me look like a pregnant lady from the movies). Greysen is long and lanky like his Daddy, which means when he really gets going with his kicking and rolling around, I feel his movements from my lower right hip ALL THE WAY up into the left side of my ribs. He has already slowly started dropping into my pelvis, which means I have to run to the little pregnant lady's room about every hour or hour and a half these days.  Each day I have clusters of Braxton-Hicks contractions where my entire lower abdomen will tighten up. There's still relatively no pain involved with them, but each time they happen I am reminded that my body is preparing to go into labor soon. And miraculously it knows what to do already!

Emotionally I am quintessentially pregnant. The other day at lunch I looked at Jonathan and said "You know I really love you," and then I burst into uncontrollable tears. The only explanation I could give was "I don't know what this is about...I'm just pregnant I guess!"  I am irritable a lot especially in the mornings, because it takes my body so much longer and requires so much more effort to get going. I simultaneously feel like I'm ready for anything this pregnancy, delivery, and this baby might throw at me, while also feeling like I am completely out of my league in all of this. When I think about labor and delivery I think "Bring it on...I can totally do this!", while also thinking "Oh. My. God. WHAT have I gotten myself into??".  When I consider how radically different our lives will look in a few short weeks I am deliriously excited, but I'm also slightly mourning the loss of time that I get to spend just me and Jonathan. Eight years of uninterrupted husband time has me all sorts of spoiled! And while I'm determined to just "bring Greysen into the fold" and have him be a beautiful extension of our love and a perfect addition to our together time, I also know it will never be the same as it is right now. I get a little misty eyed just writing that actually...

But all in all, I am ready. I KNOW I can do this. I was made for this!  My body will go into autopilot here in a few short weeks, and I will be welcoming my beautiful son into this world. Oh how I cannot wait to feel his warmth and his weight on my chest mere milliseconds after he draws his first breath. How I can't wait to smell his baby head and kiss his impossibly soft cheeks. How I wont be able to contain my joy when I look into Jonathan's eyes while we introduce ourselves to our perfect baby and know that this joy was designed just for us to experience. There will never be a more perfect, more beautiful moment in our marriage. What we have prayed for, cried for, hoped for is finally here. So while we wait with great anticipation, say some prayers and send some good vibes our way. My how intensely our lives will be changed in just a matter of days...