I've read about a million articles and blogs and listened to the advice of mothers across the spectrum. Those who just welcomed their little ones into the world all the way up to "empty nesters" and grandmothers. When it comes to a newborn baby, there is a common thread present among women who have "been there done that". That common thread is, "It's the hardest and yet most rewarding thing you'll ever do. And they don't stay tiny like that for long..."
I know that in a few weeks, my poor body will feel like an 18-wheeler ran it over. I will be sore in places I didn't know existed. I will be leaking from places I didn't know could leak. I will be functioning on so little sleep that I'll feel like a zombie. But simultaneously I'll be experiencing love on levels I never knew existed. I will be in the presence of the most beautiful thing I've ever laid eyes on. My love for my husband will grow exponentially. And, while I'll feel more broken and helpless than I've ever felt in my life, I will also feel more empowered and fulfilled than I've ever felt in my life...
I decided I should write a post to my postpartum self since I know there will be many a middle of the night where I will need to hear these words of clarity. I know my hormones will be raging. I know lack of sleep will play tricks on my mind. So today, I am writing to the Rachel Womack who will exist in a few weeks. The new woman who will be nursing her new baby in a new life experience I can't even comprehend right now...
Dear Sleep Deprived Mommy,
Are you feeling overwhelmed yet? It's highly likely that everything you thought these days and hours would be like is completely and totally different than you could have ever imagined (in wonderful ways as well as terrible ways). Even though you swore up and down that postpartum depression and anxiety were things you could handle, you're probably thinking "Wow...I didn't expect it to be like this." Do you miss the simplicity of a good 6-8 hour sleep? Do you feel beat up and beat down? Have you lost a little of yourself in all of this? If so, take a listen to your "prenatal self". She's clear headed, rested, and *not* leaking from 15 different orifices. Even though she feels like Humpty Dumpty most days, she wants you to keep a few things in perspective. Even when you feel like you're out of control...
1) Feeling like the family dairy cow these days?
Remember, new mommy, that your body tried to kick start this breastfeeding thing YEARS before it was supposed to. Your hormones and your boobs have literally been chomping at the bit to do this job. And while those cluster feedings and "on demand" nursings can be frustrating and exhausting, remember you were MADE for this. And remember that sweet baby Greysen just wants to be close to you. The comfort of your beating heart and your steady breaths and your womb are a thing of the past for him, and now the thing he finds most comforting is the familiarity of your arms and the warmth and sustenance from your breast. Don't worry...in a few weeks even this will be a thing of the past. With every passing day he will grow more and more independent and less and less in need of this closeness from you. And when those days come, you will long for these quiet moments just you and him. So soak it in, sweet new mommy. The days of engorgement and leaking and lanolin are few in the grand scheme of things. You may not miss THOSE parts of nursing, but the fleeting days of your tiny baby needing you so much will be days you'll wish had not passed by so quickly. Take a deep breath and rock and nurse that tiny baby, lactating mommy. Babies don't keep!
2) Sleep, sweet sleep. Where for art thou, dear sweet sleep??
Chances are you're feeling a bit like a zombie these days. You're likely wondering how no more than an hour and half of sleep in a stretch could possibly sustain a person. But yet somehow here you are doing it. The nights and the days are probably blending together at this point. You might even be staring across the room at your peacefully sleeping husband and thinking you want to hurl something at him to wake him up just so you're not the only one of you awake at this unGodly hour. But remember, Jonathan's job right now is staying rested and refreshed FOR YOU and for Greysen. It's his job to go to work every morning and return feeling like he's still got something left to give YOU when his day is done. You don't really want him to be awake. What you might be longing for is companionship in these lonely hours. So text a friend or message another new mommy. Chances are you aren't the only one feeling like this. And to reiterate what was said formerly, in a few months 4:00 AM will be the quiet hour it once was. But your tiny baby will need you less. Take the bad with the impossibly wonderful good, sleepy mommy...
3) What is this shower thing you are referring to? And hair and makeup?? I know not of what you speak...
Before the days of Greysen, every hair was in it's place. Your make up was always done. Your clothes were always washed. But today you realized you haven't showered in 3 days, the shirt you're wearing has stains on it that you aren't even sure where from, you smell like breast milk and spit up and butt paste, and you can't remember the last time you broke out your makeup kit. You're sleep deprived, leaking, and stinky. But guess what?? Greysen still thinks you're the most amazing woman he's ever known. Jonathan looks at your sleep deprived, leaking, hormonal, stinky self and thinks you've never been more beautiful or exuded such strength. Step out of yourself for a moment and realize a few things: 1) Your Strength and Endurance is there whether you realize it or not, 2) You're probably not as crusty and disgusting as you think you are, and 3) This too shall pass. Soon enough you'll be able to nurse that sweet baby AND put your mascara on. You'll have showering, getting dressed, and putting those hairs in their places WHILE caring for a baby down to a science. In the meantime, take a bubble bath with some bath salts. Heck, bring Jonathan in the bathroom with you and with his help let Greysen enjoy that warm bubble bath with you. You might get lucky and he'll drift off to a deep "post bath sleep" and you might actually get to shave your legs for once in a blue moon. Hang in there, leaky stinky mommy...
4) Is the phrase, "I don't think I can do this" floating around in your head more often than you'd like?
Believe it or not, you can. For that matter...YOU ARE! There will be days and moments when you'll feel like you're falling short. He won't sleep, he's not gaining weight, he's got a fever, he won't quit crying, NOTHING IS WORKING! But in those times, stay grounded. Don't let yourself slip into that tailspin that the hormones, lack of sleep, and beat up body parts make you so prone to. Take a breath and remember that YOU CAN DO THIS. Take the help that's offered. Let Jonathan rock Greysen while you go sit on the porch and woosah for a minute. Greysen won't die if he cries for a few minutes in his crib while you take a breather in the kitchen. Refresh, find your center, and go back in there for round 2. Even if you're beat up and exhausted, YOU CAN STILL DO THIS. And when you feel like you can't, let yourself be vulnerable. Find that inner strength that has to be tapped only when you're at your weakest. That strength is more powerful than you know. Be strong, doubting mommy...
5) Romance you say? Did you NOT read #3??
Missing intimacy these days? Are you having that inner conundrum that is longing for that closeness with Jonathan but also feeling like you're repulsive at the same time? Is the thought of sex simultaneously intriguing and also terrifying? Remember that your relationship with Jonathan and the intimacy within it is not solely based on sex. Are you longing for those deep conversations that aren't broken up by a crying, demanding baby? Do you dream about quiet candlelit dinners and lazy Saturdays spent in bed without a care or a responsibility in the world? Things have changed, yes, but that love is still there. Chances are, the love between you and Jonathan has reached new heights in the past few weeks. So you know what? Strap baby Greysen in that Mobi and hit Sosta Cafe. Have a glass of wine and gaze dreamily into your husband's eyes. Hold his hand, tell him how much you love him, and share a good piece of Amaretto Tiramisu with him. It won't kill you. And you might be surprised how much less "repulsive" you might feel once you get home from that quiet evening. The two of you might be ready to "tackle Everest" (if you catch my drift). The love is still there, dear longing mommy...
In conclusion, take a good look at where you are. A few short months ago, you wondered if this would ever be you. You didn't know whether your sweet baby would ever be a reality. Yet here he is. Peacefully sleeping in your arms, or nursing like a champ, or pooching that bottom lip out in protest, or looking into YOUR eyes like you're the most wonderful thing he's ever experienced. And of course you know that HE is the most wonderful thing YOU'VE ever experienced. A little perspective and some clarity, new mommy. That's all you need. In the bigger picture of Greysen's life, these fleeting moments of new motherhood, as trying as they no doubt are, will be the moments you cherish the most. You'll blink and he'll be going to Kindergarten, graduating high school, getting married, starting his own family. But THESE moments will be the ones you cling to when it seems like he no longer needs you. He will never need you like he does right now, strong mommy. Embrace it!
Most Sincerely,
Your Centered "Prenatal" Self
