My Sweet Bernice,
I have struggled to put these words together
all week. I've been considering what I might say in a letter like this
for weeks now as the inevitability of your passing became more and more real.
This is the third time I have tried to sit and express my thoughts and my
heart, but this is the first attempt I've made to write to you as if your
earthly eyes will read this. It feels more natural for me to speak to you
as if you're still here with me. As a matter of fact, I have spent this
whole week speaking to you as if you're still here. "Bernice, where
in the heck did you hide that Pandora bracelet?", "Bernice, which shoes
do you want me to bring to Mercer-Adams for you?", "Bernice, how in
the world will I ever learn to function in a world you no longer live
in?". In the days that you've been gone, I find myself looking for
you often. When I'm in a room full of people and I want to sit and be quiet
or catty, my eyes search for yours. When I stand in the studio where we
spent so many hours whiling away time beading and chatting, your absence is
practically palpable. When I consider that tomorrow we will "say
goodbye" to you, my heart can hardly grasp the concept of the finality of
your death...
There was a point during the week of your
passing that Brenda had come over to help me bathe you and help you get ready
for bed. After I had made you comfortable...rubbed your feet and legs and
hands until I knew you were relaxed enough to rest well...I knelt by your
bedside with your hand pressed to my heart and told you how precious you are.
How valued you are. How cherished you are to me. And how deeply and
profoundly I love you. Every night for the last 10 nights you spent with
us here on earth I tried to express those things to you as explicitly as I
could. Later that evening, Brenda texted me with this verse:
But
Ruth replied, "Don't ask me to leave you and turn back. Wherever you go, I
will go; wherever you live, I will live. Your people will be my people, and
your God will be my God. - Ruth 1:16
Brenda said
"You exude Ruth". That's when the lightbulb came on for me!
In all these 12 years that I have known and loved you,
I have searched for a term that properly describes the unique
relationship we share. It is far more deep than a
mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship, but it differs from
mother/daughter, sister, friend, or simply confidant. We are kindred
souls, in a way, but you are also a mentor and my wise council. You have
been my touchstone. You have exemplified grace, humility, and forgiveness
when I struggled to muster those things in my own life. Brenda's kind
words telling me that I exude Ruth, though, made me realize that the best
way to describe our special connection is that you are my Naomi.
There are
countless reasons I can give for choosing to marry your Jonathan.
There have been things revealed to me over the years that have only
further solidified our super human connection...the purpose God had in mind for
our union. But YOU are one of the most precious
gifts I received as a fringe benefit of committing my life and my love to your
son. And in these final days of your life, it has become so glaringly
apparent that I was created as much for YOU as I was for him. I
was always supposed to be this person for you. It was always supposed to
be me who cradled your head in my hands to ease your pain. It was always
supposed to be me that preserved your dignity until the bitter end. I was
always supposed to be the one you passed your torch to. And those
responsibilities...they were never a burden...they were and are my gift!
It was ME who was so richly blessed by those quiet moments
just you and me in your final days...when I needed God's strength and you
needed mine. My body was always supposed to be the one that took over for
yours when the life inside of you began to drain. And I so gladly and
willingly gave it all to you...I would do it all again!
I promised you I would take care of your
boys, of your Charlie, of your sweet baby Greysen. You told me how much
comfort that brought you, and so, as your final hours ticked so quickly by, I
tried to make sure that I continually reminded you of that promise. In
the hour of your passing before all of us knelt beside you, you drew a deep breath
in and whispered to me "He came down". It was then that I knew
that it was almost time for you to step into the arms of Jesus. That I
could no longer offer you the help and comfort that you needed...you needed
Help beyond my power...
Watching the life quickly yet ever so slowly
leave your body...leave your eyes...was one of the most difficult things I've
ever had to do. There was a helplessness there...for you and for
us...that could not be avoided. But Bernice, you have to know that
watching that scene while your sweet grand baby was held in the crook of my arm
nursing and my hands rested on your arm...while your husband patted your legs
and said "You're beautiful, you're radiant, you're strong, you're
courageous"...while your hands were each filled with the lives you carried
in your own womb...your sweet sons whispering to you that it was ok and that
they love you...
Words cannot express the sweetness of that
moment. The organic nature of your passing will quickly be forgotten, but
I will never forget thinking that when my time comes, I want it to be while I'm
surrounded by the ones I hold most dear...
I hope when I get to wrap my arms around you
again in Heaven that you will tell me, "Rachel, you honored me in the
end." I hope you feel as though I gave you my best...gave you
everything I had in me...I hope that I have made you proud. I will spend
my life upholding your legacy of peace, forgiveness, kindness, and gentleness.
I will raise my children to know you well. I will take on your
matriarchal role in this family. Though I know I can never fill your
shoes...I will never come close to replacing you...I hope that I can take a cue
from the life that you lived and the example you set in such a way that your
memory and your legacy lives on...
My sweet and precious Bernice, this world is
dimmer without you in it. But Heaven is sweeter and more brilliant!
Soon and very soon we will sit once again and spend endless hours
together like we did here on earth. I long for those days to come quickly!
I pray for your nearness in these days, weeks, months, and years to come.
I see little bits of you in each of the people who love you. I see
your sweet spirit in Sandy, I see your initiative and drive in Brenda, I see
your candidness and your uncanny ability to make people smile in Charlotte, I
see your giving and nurturing nature in Elaine, I see your wisdom in Jonathan,
I see your gentleness in Patrick, I see your unconditional love in Charlie.
I can only hope that in my life, I can exude your spirit...your
likeness...as it was such a beautiful reflection of Christ in you...
I love you with a love I cannot express in
words, my Bernice. I know you are dancing those golden streets and
embracing your Jesus right now. Though my heart is heavy with your
absence, it is simultaneously rejoicing in your newness. Because HE
lives, I can face tomorrow...and every day beyond that...
Until We Meet
Again on that Beautiful Heavenly Shore,
Rach
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