Identifying with Mary's Heart

It's Christmastime!  This year has been special because for the last few years we have been out of the country leading up to Christmas and not able to see how the mood of the country changes around this time of year.  It's been so heartwarming to feel the season changing (even though in Florida it's still unseasonably toasty), see the Christmas lights going up, hear Christmas music playing on the radio, etc.  And this Christmas has been extra special because I find myself identifying even more closely with a special someone involved in the Christmas story...

For so many years at Christmastime, I would hear those ever popular Christmas tunes on the radio or at church:  Mary Did You Know?, Breath of Heaven (my personal favorite), Away in a Manger, Silent Night...and I would imagine what Mary must have been feeling like.  She must have been exhausted, uncomfortable...maybe she still had some lingering nausea, her feet were probably swollen...I imagine that donkey ride was none too fun at 40 weeks pregnant!  But this year, I know first hand what she was feeling beyond the scope of her "pregnancy symptoms"...

I know that she was imagining what her sweet baby Jesus was going to look like.  She was envisioning kissing those adorable baby toes, anticipating the smell of that intoxicating baby smell radiating from the top of his downy little head.  She was looking forward to those quiet moments just she and Jesus while he slept in her arms and she looked down at his peaceful face deep in dreamland.  She imagined what his hopes and dreams would be.  She wondered if she would be able to be the mother that he deserved.  She was looking past the pain of labor and delivery...she was probably often even looking past the fact that she was carrying the Son of God...because at the core of her she was a mother.  She was HIS mother.  And the implications of that were enough in and of themselves...

Before now, Christmas was an intense time of longing for me.  Much like Mother's Day, Christmas always reminded me that I wasn't quite there yet.  And it equally drummed up that longing in my heart that could only be filled with Motherhood.  I desperately wanted to know what Mary was really feeling.  What she was really thinking?  I would put my hand on my belly often and imagine what it would be like to be pregnant during Christmas...knowing I was celebrating the birth of Christ while simultaneously celebrating Christ's power in me through the creating of life inside my own body.  How badly I wanted that to be a reality!

So here I am...in 2014...and when I put my hand on my belly now I feel MY baby moving inside my body.  I listen to his beating heart on Doppler and marvel at the sound of Greysen's steady 156 heartbeat muddled with the sounds of my own.  When I listen to Breath of Heaven now, I can identify with Mary's pleading with Heaven to equip her with the skills she needed to bring Jesus into this world, to care for him, to raise him, and to love him unconditionally.  When I listen to Mary Did You Know?, I know that she knew.  She knew that being a mommy was a call to something greater than herself.  And whether she truly grasped who this baby was going to be or not, simply knowing the gravity of what it meant to be a mother was pivotal enough, don't you think?

In a year from now, Jonathan and I will be watching the wonder in our own baby's eyes when he sees Christmas lights for the first time, we will watch him crawling around our Christmas tree all decorated and lit up, he will peacefully sleep (hopefully!) through a quiet Christmas Eve service all snuggled up in my arms, we'll get to take pictures of him on Santa's lap.  We are so excited about what Christmas 2015 is going to be like!  But for Christmas 2014, I will sit quietly as often as I can and conjure up the imagine of Mary and her swelling baby bump when I place my hand on my own.  When I sing those tunes on Christmas Eve, they will have new meaning.  Greysen is my little piece of Heaven right now...God's power and perfection inside of me...the gift of LIFE that for so many years I wondered if I'd ever receive.  And here he is.  Closer to me than he'll ever be in my life or in his.  So I'm marveling at my favorite Christmas present this year...my growing baby boy!  And I'm thanking God that this year, I can truly identify with Mary and her heart.  I'm forever grateful that my Mommy heart is not longing this year.  It is full and overflowing!

Greysen Letters

On Mother's Day this year, I shared one of the many letters that I started writing to my kids years ago.  While dealing with infertility, I read an article about how you should write your kids letters and give those letters to them later in life.  I decided then that I wouldn't wait until they were here.  I began writing to them long before their conception was even a reality.  So I went back and read the letters I've been writing to Greysen.  I've been sending his name up in prayer for years.  So here's the very first letter I wrote to my little boy nearly 19 months ago.  Ironically it was written almost exactly 2 years before he will be here for real.  A May letter for my sweet May baby:

May 22, 2013                                 

Dear My Sweet Greysen,

Today is May 22, 2013.  As of right now, your Daddy and me are living in Dominica (which is a teeny tiny little island in the Caribbean).  Daddy is studying to be a doctor!  Today, I have no idea when you're going to grace us with your presence.  As a matter of fact, I'm not even pregnant yet!  I bet you can tell how much your Daddy and I want you, huh?  We think about you and dream about you all the time.  We talk about what color hair you'll have.  Whether you'll have Daddy's blue eyes, or Mommy's brown eyes.  Will you be tall and skinny like your Daddy?  Will you have Mommy's round face and button nose?  Will you be a swimmer? A basketball player?  A baseball star?  It makes us smile to imagine how smart and funny and charismatic you'll be.  You'll be such a gentleman!  We can't wait to hold you in our arms and kiss your sweet little face and tell you how much we love you.  We love you already and you're not even born yet!  

I have no idea what the future holds for your Daddy and me when it comes to babies.  But I DO know beyond a shadow of a doubt that one day I'll write Greysen Neil Womack on a birth certificate, I'll snuggle you and kiss your little baby face and tell you what a blessing and a miracle you are.  And I simply cannot wait for that day to come!

So I'll write you these little notes every once in a while.  And one day, I'll give them all to you so that you can read them and feel my love for you.  It's out of this world!

Love Beyond Words,

Mommy

I Made You from Scratch...

I was watching an old episode of Grey's Anatomy the other day and one of the patients was talking about how her mother always told her to "be careful, I made that body from scratch".  I've watched that episode before, but I heard that monologue with new ears this time.  It never ceases to amaze me how incredible it is that each and every day Greysen grows a little bigger, a little stronger, a little more advanced inside my belly.  It's just incredible.

When he gets here, each little finger, each tiny toe, his little beating heart, his adorable little eyes, his pudgy little baby bottom...all those things were knit together inside of ME!  If that's not mind blowing, I don't know what is.  I'm in the process of "making this kid from scratch".  From one microscopic egg being joined with one microscopic sperm.  From this (I think Greysen is the top embryo in this pic):

To this:

In just 17 weeks!  Can it really be true that my little boy, just a short 4 1/2 months ago, was simply a tiny bubble filled with 6 cells?  And now he has legs that kick me, hands that he bunches under his chin, lips that he pooches out just like his Daddy, a beating heart, a functioning brain.  No way!  The creation of life is simply miraculous.  There is no other way to describe it.  That my body grows to make more room for my baby, that my hormones tell my blood vessels to relax so more blood can be pushed through my body to nourish my Greysen, that my body grows an entire new organ simply for the purpose of sustaining the life of my child while he grows safely in my womb...if that's not miraculous, I don't know what is.  

I just can't get over how incredible this whole process has been.  Growing a human being is TOUGH work.  It really is.  It's exhausting, it's nausea inducing, it's uncomfortable.  But every time I feel wiped out, every time I dry heave or puke, every time my round ligaments feel like tiny daggers in my lower belly...each time those things happen I'm reminded that these 40 weeks are not about me.  Everything I do, everything I eat, everything regarding my health is about Greysen.  It's about keeping him healthy, keeping him comfortable, and sacrificing my body so that he can have life.  Giving everything that I have physically, emotionally, mentally, so that my baby boy grows strong and handsome and healthy.  It's what my body was created for, what my heart was created for.  I was made for this.  

When he is here in my arms, words won't be able to describe how overwhelmingly blessed I will feel.  He is already beautifully handsome, already has an adorable personality, he is already a miraculous creation of his Father.  And when he is here for real...I can't even wrap my brain around it!  I've been feeling him move for several weeks now, but just this week I've been able to even see it from the outside sometimes!  It makes it even more real that I've got a tiny baby in my belly right now.  I love to watch him on ultrasound, because when he hears me talking or laughing he visibly relaxes.  He snuggles those hands up by his face and gets still.  It's almost like he's thinking, "I don't know what this ultrasound thing is, but as long as I can still hear my Mama, I know I'm safe."  And I intend to keep him safe for as long as there is breath in my body...

Our Nursery Theme!

I have been dreaming about setting up a nursery for so many years.  This is one of those things for me that I just refuse to abandon.  I've heard a million times, "Rachel, you don't need a nursery.  Greyson will be perfectly happy in a pack n' play."  And I know this.  I really do.  I fully intend for Greysen to be as close to me as possible for as long as possible.  But the nursery is something I've been dreaming about.  I can't wait to have the perfect little place for my Greysen to play with toys, and nap peacefully, read books, and explore.  I'm not gonna go crazy, y'all, I swear.  But after everything we've been through to get here, I want everything to be as perfect as it can be.  And honestly, our "boy nursery" has been my favorite for a long time.  Here's the skinny

Theme: Vintage Travel

That means basically planes, trains, boats, and cars with a vintage feel.  I've already found some really cute vintage sailboats and vintage maps to decorate with.  I'm gonna be on the lookout for vintage toy cars and planes too, and Pops (Charlie...Jonathan's dad) has some really cool vintage toy trains.  Here are some of my favorite ideas for the theme:

I LOVE this little sign and the quote on it.  Planning to get a little crafty once we get settled into our new place here in Miami.  Of course if any of you have amazing "typography/painting" skills I would employ you! ;)

I picked up some vintage maps that I'm super excited about utilizing.  Decoupaging vintage maps onto a big G for Greysen!

I already have my eye on a vintage wooden airplane propeller that I saw in an antique mall in Oklahoma City. I LOVE this little wall grouping above the changing table.  And I'm SURE I can employ PaPa (my dad) to help me come up with some cool framable vintage airplane pics!

Another idea for using those vintage maps.  I really love this sweet little mobile.  I'm considering cutting squares of the maps and having people write Greysen little notes on them before I fold them into paper airplanes for the mobile...sort of like the concept of writing special notes on a wall before you paint it.  That's an idea still in the works...

LOVE the idea of these vintage National Park posters.  Jonathan is a HUGE National Park buff and I think it would be really cool for Greysen to have a few of these hanging in his room...

This is maybe one of my most favorite ideas.  I've found a few vintage globes already, so I just have to pick one.  Then I'll be taking it with me to the shower and having guests sign it.  Then it will be in our nursery.  I want our Greysen to know just how much he is loved and was loved before he was even here!

Colors: Navy and Teal with some Grey and Red

First of all, the navy thing was decided on a long time ago.  Boy or girl, navy was gonna be the main color.  But Bernice has this AMAZING teal colored vintage trunk that she is graciously letting us put in the nursery!  I LOVE it so much, and therefor just HAD to add the teal.  I would really like to have a few little bits of grey and red in there too.  Here are some pics of those ideas:

In LOVE with this quilt.  Like seriously in love!  Maybe with the edges done in red or maybe one of the triangle patterns with some red...

This is our color palette.  The navy will probably be more of a true navy, but the teal and navy are the main colors.  It's so perfectly boy isn't??

So there ya have it!  I can't wait to start putting things together in there.  I've been collecting little things for a while now that I've found at antique malls and what not.  Have any cool ideas to add??  I'd LOVE to hear them!  We are hoping this theme and this color scheme will be something that will really grow with Greysen and something he will really enjoy!

It's a BOY!!!

A sonographer told me a few months ago that “since I was a Scorpio” I should have a good amount of “intuition” about what the sex of my baby was.  So now that I know my Greysen is on the way, it is interesting to look back over the past 13 weeks and realize just how much intuition I really had…

            When I first learned I was pregnant, I was certain it was a boy.  Like 210% certain that we were expecting a Greysen.  I can even be heard referring to him as a “he” on the first and second ultrasound videos.  I actually bought a few things for our boy nursery theme (which I’ll reveal on my next post).  On the second ultrasound, though, I let the “old wives tales” derail my intuition a bit, because his heart rate was a strong and fast 176 BPM.  That and the fact that I’d had 2 dreams we were having a girl really made me question my initial thought that it was a boy.  So up until my first perinatal appointment about a month ago, I was about 75% convinced that it was a girl.  But at the perinatal appointment, I started beginning to go back to my initial feeling that it was a boy.  Just something about the way he looked on ultrasound and how similar his little personality was to his daddy’s (he’s a little stubborn like his daddy…) made me think, “Hmmm…I’m beginning to think this really might be Greysen…”

            But seeing that unmistakable “sign” that he was a boy on Saturday was just…man I can’t even describe it.  Immediately I yelled out his name and my brain started dressing him in bow ties and newsies hats.  My heart started envisioning his tiny little body sleeping peacefully on my chest with his hands scrunched up under his chin like he is every time we see him on ultrasound…

            In the last 48 hours I’ve been imagining his slobbery kisses on my cheeks, his perfect little coos and baby smiles.  I imagine him crawling through the halls of our house, tugging on Matilda’s tail, chewing on anything that will hold still.  I think about him playing sports, and being a scholar like his daddy, and being a gentleman.  I envision the little ladies at church just fawning over how adorably dapper he is, I think about my Greysen being the one to take care of me and Jonathan in our old age.  I imagine him protecting his younger siblings.  I think about getting those big huge “boy who loves his Mama” bear hugs.  I can’t wait to hear him say, “I love you Mommy!”  Oh how my heart is gonna melt!

            I wasn’t expecting to see him in 3D on Saturday but I was SO happy the sonographer let us get a few sneak peeks of him.  In my favorite shot of him he has his little hands bunched up under his chin and he's pooching out his lips (which were unmistakably created by Jonathan’s DNA).  At one point he flipped over and was laying on his tummy with his hands over his face (which is exactly how I sleep…).  When he is still, he is the most chill and calm little baby.  Once he finds a comfortable spot, he is unlikely to move much without LOTS of coaxing (this is another way we know this kid has mine and Jonathan’s genes…).  I have been hoping and praying that this baby would love to snuggle as much as I do, and I think I got my wish.  Greysen likes to be warm and still and cozy and I intend to keep him that way for as long as he will let me (before he starts crawling and pulling up and being on the go constantly…).  Jonathan and I are hopelessly in love with this little guy already.  We can’t wait to have him here for real!  Will he have brown eyes or blue?  Will he have our dark hair or will he get his Uncle Patrick’s red hair or his Aunt Amanda’s blonde?  Will he be long and skinny like his daddy?  One thing I can tell you for sure is that whatever features he’s blessed with, he’ll be the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my life.  For that matter…he really already is…

Greysen Neil Womack

17 weeks 1 day

Perspective

Do you ever feel like just when things are going perfectly wonderful in your world, something happens that makes it all come to a screeching halt?  For me, this tends to happen right before and usually not too long after some big blessing happens in my life.  Satan usually pitches something really crappy at me to make me lose my focus, I regain it and receive all the wonderful things God had in store for me, and then not long after that Satan does something else to steal my perspective and make me feel like everything is crashing down around me...

What does it mean to "claim His promises"?  For me, right now today, it means putting my hand on my growing belly and saying, "Thank you God.  You did this, you can can do anything."  Matthew 10:29 says (in The Message translation):

 “What’s the price of a pet canary? Some loose change, right? And God cares what happens to it even more than you do. He pays even greater attention to you, down to the last detail—even numbering the hairs on your head! So don’t be intimidated by all this bully talk. You’re worth more than a million canaries..."

And today, after pulling up in my driveway after one of the worst mornings ever (dealing with being basically thieved out of $800+ by Enterprise for renting a car for 5 days while we figured out our long term car solution...long story not worth telling or putting myself in a tailspin about again...), I said to God, "I can feel my baby kicking and moving in my belly.  I can hear that sweet heartbeat.  You have created life inside of me and are sustaining it as we speak.  I have no money left.  I have a fridge with nothing more than bare essentials in it.  I have a stressed husband who is wading his way through the most demanding clinical rotation of his cores.  I have 6 more weeks before I get more money in my account.  And I'm out of ideas.  So I'm claiming your promise that You will provide for my every need.  I will not go hungry, my sweet little baby will continue to grow happy and healthy completely unaware of the unrest its Mommy and Daddy are feeling right now, and if we keep pressing forward in this endeavor that YOU have ordained, You've promised to provide."


He WILL provide what we need.  He WILL make sure my baby is safe.  He WILL make sure my husband is healthy.  And all of this turmoil and unrest and uncertainty is only for a time.  In due time, we will be able to breath again.  We will look at our bank account and not have a panic attack.  We will be in our own place preparing for our sweet baby's arrival.  We will anticipate the overwhelming blessings that are to come in the following months and years and decades.  And in maybe even as little as 3 years, we will look back on this whirlwind of crap that we lived through and laugh and say, "Wow.  THAT was a doozy!", but we'll be no worse for the wear because of it.  As a matter of fact, we'll be better.  

We are still walking through that refining fire.  Maybe we always will be.  Maybe that's what life is supposed to be.  Maybe we are supposed to be constantly changing, growing, improving, learning.  And when our work here in the "refining fire" is done, He'll create the ultimate change in us...CHANGING us from Glory into Glory.  Until then, we remain His good and faithful servants.  His perfectly imperfect creations which He would never allow to come to ruin.  So we're reaching, God.  We're claiming Your promises.  This growing life in my body is a testament to Your unfailing Love and Power, and today I need a little drop of that Divinity to quench this dry land we are walking on...

Water into Wine...

**UPDATE AS OF 8:15 TONIGHT--Aaaand...He answers my prayers again.  So faithful, so loving, so constant.  Oh how He loves me...**

Why NOT To Be a Whiney Pregnant Lady

So in light of my many meltdowns this week, I decided I needed to do a little blogging about what my world has looked like as of late.  I don't want anyone to get it twisted...when I say "I'm SO sick of this!", it in NO way references the beautiful little baby growing in my belly.  For so many years it used to bug the heck outta me to read about pregnant women always complaining about pregnancy symptoms and "how awful it is to be pregnant".  Still irritates me, even when the complaining about pregnancy symptoms comes out of my own mouth.  The honest truth is that I am willingly taking all the aches and pains, all the nausea, all the weight gain, all the EVERYTHING, because it means in May I get my baby.  I am over the moon excited about our sweet little one's arrival!

Expecting a baby brings on other worries, though.  And if you know me, you know I'm a worrier.  I'm fairly certain it runs in my genes.  I think I'm maybe the only one of the 4 of us in my immediate family that got the worry gene, but let me tell ya...I got it full force.  So this week I've been worrying about a myriad of things...

1) Our clunker of a car, which was all we could afford to buy, decided to blow a turn rod on Saturday.  It is our one car.  And the cost to repair it is nearly $800.  Commence worrying...

2) It's the end of the semester, therefor the end of our money.  This is nothing new.  Happens every semester since we are 2 people living on money meant to last 1 person 4 months.  Add in medical expenses.  Commence worrying...

3) We are temporarily living in a room in our landlord's house.  We have limited access to the kitchen, and we sleep on two twin beds pushed together.  I want to start putting together the HOME we will bring our little one home to, even though I know May is still 6 months away.  I am anxious about finding the right place, in the right neighborhood, with enough space.  I am anxious to get our stuff out of storage and in our possession again.  Commence worrying...

And on, and on, and on.  It's always hard to center myself when this feeling sets in, even though the precedent that has been set is that no matter how worried or stressed we get in times like these, things always seem to work out.  And Jonathan and I are resourceful.  I always find work, find ways to save, etc., and we make it just fine into the next semester.  This is nothing new.  Though the prospect of adding a baby into the mix...well sometimes the reality of that is a little heavy for me.  Even though I know in my heart that God will provide for us and our little nugget.  In May, no matter how poor we may or may not be, we will have our sweet precious perfect baby to be in awe of.  And all will be right in the world...even if for only a little while...

Sometimes the only thing that talks me off my ledge is reminding myself that we are on the downhill slope of this "being poor" thing.  We are 30 months or less away from beginning a residency.  Making money, big money (at least for us), that we won't have to eventually pay back.  I am well aware that residency income is not "great" income.  But coming from 6+ years of little to nothing, a residency income will feel like we are millionaires.  And our sweet baby won't remember these years of struggling.  By the time this baby has the capacity to store memories, Jonathan will be in a residency. Long hours at the hospital will be short lived, and we will no longer be living on student loans.  Oh man, that picture helps me take a deep breath and center.  Just a few more years, just a few more semesters, and our world will change forever in 6 months.  This is what was meant for us.  This is our path.  This is our journey.  And even though I may not be all that graceful while I'm walking it, I'm committed to doing this right, doing right by my sweet baby, and coming out of this successful.  In 10 years we will look back on these years and say, "We just wouldn't be the same if we hadn't gone through that..."

Just keep swimming...

What Being Pregnant is Like for Me

I am already miraculously 14 weeks pregnant.  Already through that first trimester...a 3rd of the way through my pregnancy!  Baby Womack, being the overachiever that our little nugget is, is actually gestationally about a week beyond what my LMP dictates.  So really, baby is about 15 weeks big.  The size of a navel orange...4 inches from crown to rump and 2.5 ounces!  I frequently feel my little peanut wiggling around inside my belly.  Baby is particularly active on my way home from dropping Jonathan off at the hospital in the mornings and when I finally lay down and relax in bed at night.  We can hear the heartbeat loud and clear on our handheld Doppler and my little nugget particularly likes the left side of my uterus.  Always seems to be snuggled up on that side and my Doppler picks up the heartbeat on that side nearly every single time.

For years I have dreamed about what it would be like to be pregnant.  What would a growing belly feel like?  Would I be like my mom and not really have nausea at all, or more like my grandmother who got sick by just having her hands in dishwater?  What weird cravings would I have?  Would I be terrified the whole first trimester?  So now that I'm here, my pregnancy is as unique as the sweet baby growing inside me.  Here's what being pregnant has been like for me...

"Morning" Sickness
Thankfully this has subsided some in this second trimester, however the first 12 1/2 weeks were a little brutal.  Thankfully I only threw up a handful of times, and one of those times was triggered by my superhuman sense of smell.  But the worst part of pregnancy nausea for me happened at dinner time.  I would be starving, order whatever sounded good (my choices were pretty limited), and by the time it got to me I could only force one or two bites down without feeling like it would all come back up.  The only two things that I could always eat without feeling sick (even when I felt like throwing up) were pickles or salads.  Now in week 14, I dry heave almost every morning.  I hurt Jonathan's heart the other day because my dry heaving turned into a frantic attempt to grab a Walmart sack to puke into while I was still in bed...

Superhuman Smell
I've always had a weird "smeller", but now that I'm pregnant I smell EVERYTHING.  And I mean everything.  On the flight here to Miami, a woman sat next to me and I swear I could smell everything she'd eaten, everywhere she'd been, and everything in her purse.  And let me tell you, NONE of it was pleasant.  I had to make sure there was a barf bag in the seat in front of me just in case...

Food Cravings
Thankfully I haven't had any weird off the wall cravings.  My friend Sara craved the smell of sponges, my sister Amanda craved potato chips in mustard, and I've read some crazy stories of women wanting things like guacamole with tuna fish over vanilla ice cream!  I don't have weird cravings, but baby ALWAYS wants salads with any kind of vinaigrette dressings, pickles, and red velvet cake.  Specifically red velvet cake with cream cheese frosting.  So right now in my life, if you want to be my best friend (or if you want to bribe me in some way), just bring me one of those 3 things and you'll be promoted to sainthood...

Exhaustion
Again, this has subsided some in this second trimester, but for the first 12 weeks, I simply HAD to have a nap every day around 3:00.  I would get to the point where I couldn't even follow a conversation or form full thoughts in the middle of the day.  I've regained some of my energy now, but I still feel sleepy after lunch and by about 9:00 at night I'm ready to pack it in.  Which works really well actually since Jonathan and I have a 4:15 AM wake up call these days...

Ringing Ears
This increased blood volume has some pretty weird side effects.  My ears ring several times a day lately.  At the beginning of the pregnancy, there was this weird thumping inside my ears like someone was knocking on my eardrums.  I am also frequently out of breath.  Just walking up the stairs requires a break afterwards.  Sometimes I even get out of breath when I walk for long distances.  The veins on my hands and feet look subhuman.  But miraculously, my blood pressure has not increased really at all from what is normal for me.  It stays stable at 100/70.  I just think that's amazing.  The fact that I've got more than twice the amount of blood in my body, but the pressure stays the same is incredible...

A New Experience of Love
I can't explain this fully.  I loved this baby the minute I knew he/she was a growing embryo at OU.  I loved our nugget more when I knew he/she was strong and ready enough to be transferred into my uterus.  More still once I knew they were inside of me.  Overwhelmingly more when I saw that beautiful little heartbeat.  Still more when I saw my baby moving and growing.  Miraculously still more as I've seen his/her little personality shine through on ultrasound.  My angel already has a little personality, little mannerisms, preferences, comforts.  Baby and I have little conversations throughout the day and I tell him/her how excited I am to be his/her mommy, how much I can't wait to meet him/her.  I tell our little peanut how special he/she is and how much his/her Daddy loves him/her.  But I know that the love I know right now for this precious baby is minuscule compared to what it will be maybe even next week.  And for this reason, I can't fathom what it will be like to see those beautiful baby eyes in person, smell that intoxicating baby smell on MY baby (I actually smell it some already...I think it's seeping from my pores), touch those tiny little fingers and toes, kiss that precious head and those perfect little cheeks.  I have imagined that moment for years, but now that I'm a short 6 months or less from that being a reality for me is just overwhelmingly exciting.  I can imagine the moment, but I know that I can't even wrap my brain around the love I will feel when I see this little one for the first time.  The love I feel now when I feel this little peanut kicking and wiggling inside of me is HUGE, but it doesn't touch how much love I will feel when the weight of this miracle is actually in my arms for real.  An experience of love that is new every day for me...I'm a mommy now...and every day I get closer to May I experience a little more and a little more of that love...