Poetic Perfection

I begin this post with so much anticipation on my heart that my fingers are literally trembling.  There is so much I want to say and so much divine inspiration in my soul that I can hardly decide where to begin in my sharing.  In my life I have found a few patterns that have popped up during "defining moments".  As a budding college musician, the music of Frank Ticheli punctuated some of my defining moments as a musician.  My first year as a Texas All-Stater, he was my clinician and we played American Elegy (that link is to the recording of the 5A concert band in 2002...I was third chair horn in that group that year).  My soul was stirred...I was never the same again!  It marked my embarkation into "real" musicianship.  Then later in 2007, in April before Jonathan and I were married the following June, I was the principal horn in the OU Wind Symphony.  Yet again, the music of Frank Ticheli was part of that defining moment.  I had witnessed Jonathan having a seizure for the first time just 2 days before my final concert of my college career.  And there I was...charged with performing the somewhat "obligato" solo at the beginning of Ticheli's Sanctuary (do yourself a favor and listen to that link while you read the rest of this post) as not only the final piece of the concert, but also my final performance at OU.  What a Sanctuary it was that evening, as I sat on that stage in Norman under the direction of the amazing and moving Dr. William K. Wakefield, and played that solo and that piece with tears in my eyes the whole time.  I can't tell you how I made it through that concert without ending up weeping on my knees over the spiritual experience that it was for me.  God reminded me then that He is always in control.  He marked the end of one chapter and the opening of another with such poetic perfection that I was overcome with gratitude and anticipation...

So here I am today.  Mere hours away from the "launch", if you will, of yet another epic chapter in our lives and simultaneously the poetically perfect closing of another.  I married a man who has joined with me in such legendary leaps of faith in 10 years that I can't even describe to you.  If you'd told me nearly 12 years ago when we went on our first date that our lives would look like this today,  that we would walk the roads we have walked hand in hand, I would never have believed you.  We have waded through valleys, climbed impossibly high mountaintops, taken crazy scary risks, and reaped SO many rewards.  Just a cursory look at what our partnership has looked like over these nearly 12 years makes my heart soar to places I cannot even put into words...

Back to punctuation, though.  In January of 2014, I began a Beth Moore study with my soul sister Sara Henderson called Believing God.  At that time, Jonathan and I had decided to pursue IVF in hopes of conceiving our miracle.  Thus the launch of this blog!  That study was incredibly impactful. The whole theme of it was that "believing in" God doesn't go far enough.  We need also to BELIEVE HIM and believe that His promises are true.  Believe Him when He says He will finish what He starts.  It was life changing for me...paradigm shifting!  And so we stepped out in faith toward our precious miracle, just as the tagline on this blog says, and we believed God every step of the way.  The morning I took that positive pregnancy test I said, "God, I am so incredibly elated right now!  But I know that in my life, this is not the end of the struggles I will endure.  So remind me, when I find myself in another valley, that you are faithful and that you finish what you start.  That you are who you say you are.  That you have plans for GOOD.  Bring me back to this moment."  Y'all...my Greysen baby is getting ready to be 2 years old in a couple of months and God is pressing me, pressing me, pressing me to share with you how He is molding my heart and mind and soul right along those same lines today...

This month I began yet another Beth Moore study called Entrusted.  God is, yet again, with poetic perfection, closing one chapter and opening another for me in my life with divine punctuation.  He has brought me back to that moment, just as I asked Him to, time and time again in the last 8 months as we have walked some of the deepest and darkest valleys of our lives in this time frame.  He keeps saying "Rachel...remember I am faithful.  Rachel...remember I finish what I start.  Rachel...remember *I* am the One who set this whole thing in motion from the start.  Remember!"  Because I am human...because I am a worry wort...because I am ME...this "remembering" has not always been easy.  It hasn't been as simple as saying "Wow this is terrible.  But I see what a miracle Greysen is so I know it will all be ok."  If I sat here and told you that it was as simple as that, I would be lying like a rug y'all!  It *should* be that easy, but it hasn't been.  Sucker punch after sucker punch has been hurled our way over the last 8+ months.  We are so weary!  I have so wanted to be as solid as I would need to be to put aside the worry and let God DO what He does so well...finish what He starts with poetic perfection!  I'm such a control freak y'all...

But here we are today...

I told you...mere hours away from the last page of this chapter being turned.  Why is it coming down to hours you ask?  Well for us, those sucker punches have left us in a position of waiting...waiting that is somewhat heavier than it would have been had May 2016 not been such a beating for our family.  The profound loss we experienced in May had all of us walking through a cloud in the following months.  That haze had a major impact on Jonathan as he went into his board exams.  It's not simple y'all.  God has woven some major complexities into this tapestry of our lives.  Without being too cryptic, a finish line that we wish we could have crossed back in October has stretched far beyond that mark.  We are awaiting our final passing test score STILL.  The reporting period was February 1st through February 22nd.  Literally less than 1% of people who took the test when Jonathan did have not yet received their scores.  We are among those 15-20 people in America right now (cue eye roll and weepy face emojis here).  Tomorrow we are supposed to get our scores.  We know they will be passing.  But guess what?  Here's a little tidbit so you can join me on the edge of my seat tomorrow morning, tomorrow at 9:00 PM EST is the deadline for submitting Rank Order Lists for Match 2017.  So literally more than 7 years of work are potentially culminating in things coming down to literal HOURS here.  If we don't get scores or if they're late or if for some reason there is a hang up on ERAS and we can't get them updated on our application in time, we will be bumped out of the Match for this year (again...cue weepy face emoji).  Holy. Heck.

So why is God drawing this out?  Why would He choose not to just give us the scores last Wednesday when 99+% of the test takers received their scores??  Y'all..I don't know.  But this morning He stirred something in me while I was in Bible study listening to that fiery Beth Moore do her thang.  2 Timothy 1:7a says "For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but one of power".  If I sit here and tell you that it is easy to admit that we are struggling, I would again be lying like a rug.  In reality, I worry that if I make bold claims like "He's going to finish what He starts" and tomorrow doesn't pan out like we'd hoped...I worry deeply that you will in some way doubt His power.  But you know what?  I'm just gonna grab ahold of that POWER Paul is reminding Timothy of.  I'm going to put it out there y'all.  He's gonna finish what He starts.  For cryin' out loud, if He can create a LIFE inside of my body despite my barrenness up until then...can He not do this??  Of course He can.  And He will.  Are you as revved up as I am about this?  Are you ready to see what He does??  Lord knows I am.  I'm ready.  I'm ready to exalt Him in the closing of this chapter.  I'm ready to trust Him with the next.  And I want you to come along with me...with us!...for the ride!  I'm trusting that Jeremiah 29:11 is true.  That He has plans for our lives, and that He knows them well.  Plans for peace and a future of continuing to say YES to His callings no matter the risk.  He has plans for a future filled with HOPE for the Womack family...

So if you think of us, say a prayer for us.  Tomorrow around 8:00 AM we will know the tentative trajectory of this whole thing.  By tomorrow evening we will hopefully be, with poetic perfection, turning the final page on this chapter in our lives.  And I want your prayers to be answered just like mine will be.  Promise me you'll send up your own volley of praise to Him when I get to report on His poetry.  I promised Him there would be an uproar... ;)