Today you are one year old. Today we celebrate the day that you so urgently yet gracefully entered this world. Today I find myself reminiscing about that morning that I woke up and just knew something was different. I remember laying in bed with mild contractions thinking "Am I crazy, or is this the real deal?". I remember the flurry of activity that happened inside of an hour later that afternoon as your Daddy helped me shower, Bebe helped us gather up our things, and we were out the door and down the street to the hospital. I still didn't believe it was time. Even when they checked me and said I was 4 centimeters and 70% effaced. Not even when Dr. Velarde came in and admitted me and I started feeling those contractions intensify. Still not when she broke my water 2 hours later. It didn't even feel real when she said "Ok, Mom...it's time to push!". I would argue that it still didn't feel real even when she laid you up on my chest as I squealed "That's my baby! Hi sweetheart! I'm your Mommy!" Several hours after your birth I even asked the nurse if it was normal to "feel like I was walking in a dream". I really felt that way! And now today...a whole year later...I feel the same way...
How is it that after years of wondering whether God had forgotten about me...after countless tears of anger and sorrow and disappointment...how is it that I sit here today writing about your first birthday with tears in my eyes feeling like I'm overwhelmingly more blessed than I could ever deserve? How could I ever express my gratitude to God for allowing me to be your Mommy? How did I get so lucky as to have a son so precociously empathetic, so incredibly handsome, so delightfully silly, and such a perfect blend of your Daddy and me as you are? I will never know how I won the lottery on not only getting to know you, but getting to MOTHER you. Wow. My cup runs over...
In a year's time, your infancy has slowly melted away. The softness of the top of your head is slowly going away, but the softness of your heart grows each day. People tell me all the time, random people on the street whom I've never met, that there's something so inviting about you. On more than one occasion I've had people tell me "something about those eyes makes you want to just tell him everything"... I know you are going to do big things in this world. I know you are destined for greatness...
You don't stay still very much these days. You are constantly on the move exploring your world! But I'm lucky enough that you still want to climb up in my lap and let me wrap you in my arms. You sit still while I snuffle your hair, kiss your cheeks and toes and fingertips, and tell you how much I love you. It's more than I can express. You have learned to give kisses not only upon request, but any time you feel like you want to express your love. You lean right in with those adorable lips and drooly mouth and I can't help but gather as many of those sugars as you're willing to give...
Watching you grow is like witnessing the formation of the Grand Canyon. Bit by bit, little by little, day by day you are growing and changing and learning. Seeing things through your eyes makes my world seem so fresh and new even though I've been here for 31 years longer than you have. All of a sudden the flowers are spectacular, birds singing is exciting, rain on the windows is fascinating, everything is novel again! My world changed the minute God breathed life into your body, and it hasn't stopped changing since...
I am a different person than I was this day last year. I am changed. You have changed me. I am a better, more whole version of myself. You remind me to slow down and savor the important things. You remind me to be patient. Your life gives my life new purpose...new meaning...new LIFE! You will forever be the one who made me a Mommy. You will forever be the one who came crashing into this world 2 weeks early...the one who surprised us then and surprises us now. You will always be my first born. You will always be enough. You will always be important. And you will always, ALWAYS be loved, my sweet boy...
So on this day...the day we celebrate your grandiose arrival...we thank God for knitting you together in my womb. For giving you life. For giving us purpose. For reminding us of the fragility of life, but also the glorious wholeness, and fulness, and joyfulness of it too. I will never be worthy of the gift I have been given in you, but I promise I will never stop being grateful for you, my son. My sweet baby Greysen. Happy Birthday baby boy! Keep changing this world for the better...
Love Beyond Words,
Mommy
