Ok y'all...today I'm starting to really see the outward indicators of my inner worries and anxieties. I went for a run this morning and I was just mad. And pretty short with Jonathan. Yikes! I got a call from OU Infertility this morning confirming my appointment for NEXT WEEK and setting into motion all the insurance stuff and paper work involved. I drove by the building where OU Infertility is housed and immediately got butterflies in my stomach. I'm not really sure whether this is all fear or excitement or worry. It's probably a healthy dose of all 3 of those and other things. I've probably asked Jonathan a million times "what would happen if...". He's of course very gracious and caring in his answers, but the bottom line is that lots of my worries are irrational. They are worries about things that are SO unlikely to actually be realities. I find myself thinking that if those things ARE found, I'll just pass them off as "See, I told you this wouldn't be easy." And maybe it won't be. If our last 5 years on the baby front are any indication, it definitely won't be. But then again...maybe this is just such a wide open door for us that God will just perfectly orchestrate everything and we'll be announcing our precious angels sooner rather than later...
I had a conversation with my mother-in-law Bernice yesterday and got unexpectedly emotional when the words "I'm just ready for my kids to be here" came out of my mouth. I think that's because THOSE words are really my heart right now. I am just SO ready for our babies to get here. I'm ready to meet them, to name them, to bring them home. I'm so ready to be able to join into those "mommy convos" and be a voice of experience, I'm so ready for our babies to meet our family. I can't wait to hear my babies say "Pa" or "Nene" or "Papa". I can't wait to see Jonathan kiss their precious newborn heads, can't wait to see their tiny fingers wrapped around his. I can't wait to smell their newborn baby heads, can't wait for them to be a part of our lives...
And I want all of that so bad that I'm terrified that it's all going to come crashing down once again and I won't know how to pick myself back up from that. I'm terrified that we will find what our "problem" is and that it won't be fixable. My girlfriend Sara said she didn't like me saying that this was our only shot. Because what if it doesn't work the first time...then what? And I honestly don't know. I can say that I've become very familiar with how it feels to take a negative pregnancy test over these past 5 years. So maybe if this first round doesn't work I can pitch out the reality of the money that we spent and just process it like a negative pregnancy test. I really don't even know...I don't like to even think about that!
But then again...maybe I will be in unfamiliar territory in the next coming months. Maybe I will be overwhelmingly emotional because NONE of my worries became a reality. Maybe Dr. Hansen was the missing piece all these years. And maybe this really IS our year! Maybe I will have to learn how to process a POSITIVE pregnancy test and an ultrasound that reveals a perfectly placed sac and a strong heartbeat. Maybe my tears will be full of joy instead of pain!
We leave tomorrow to spend Father's Day weekend with my parents and my sister and her family. I'm grateful for what promises to be a nice distraction as we get closer and closer to this appointment on Monday morning. Otherwise I might spend this weekend making myself crazy over things I have literally NO control over! But if you think of us in the next 5-6 days, say a little prayer for us and one for Dr. Hansen. To say this is getting real is the understatement of the century. I mean...it's a reality now. We are locked in and ready as we will ever be to do this thing...
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