As many of you may know, the close of this chapter of our lives has taken on a bit of a "twist ending" if you will. I can't believe I actually have it in me to put what I'm thinking and feeling into words right now. To be honest, my biggest motivation in doing this, even considering how raw it all still is, is so that you all know that our faith is still intact. If you know me and Jonathan at all, you know we don't throw the towel in very easily. And y'all...this situation doesn't warrant giving up. At least not for us. We have come to an impasse for Match 2017 which has come down to a seemingly impossible and also incredibly frustrating technicality. It's a razor thin line of red tape that just didn't play out in our favor. I could sit here and seethe for hours on end about how unfair it is. How upset we both are about this turn of events. And on and on and on. But the truth of the matter is, the reason why it seems so incredibly impossible that this is all happening is because, frankly, it just wasn't supposed to pan out for us in this match cycle. Good gracious...that is STILL hard to say and even harder to wrap my mind around...
We started this journey toward an M.D. more than 7 years ago. In December of 2009, Jonathan came to me and told me that he felt an intense need to pursue medicine. He was unhappy and unfulfilled in his present career and I hated seeing him that way. I had nothing negative to say about his ambition to be a doctor! As we have climbed this mountain together, it has become increasingly apparent that Jonathan has found his true calling. He is totally in his element in medicine. He's brilliant y'all. He really is. But we knew what we were taking on, in some sense, when we answered this call. We certainly knew it wouldn't be easy. We knew it would be a LONG road and a difficult one at that. We knew that there would be challenges and setbacks and hurdles. And so my friends, despite this recent speed bump, we continue pressing forward. We continue steadfastly working toward our end goal. Weary as we are, we keep trudging along (trying not to grumble too much in the process...). But we are taking note of this "speed bump" and trying also to learn the lessons within it...
I talked with a dear friend of mine Wednesday night. She and her husband have been through similar trials in their lives recently and they've lived to tell the tale! And my goodness...what a breath of fresh air it was to hear her voice (she lives in the San Francisco Bay Area...I haven't seen her in more than 2 years!) and to receive her wisdom on this matter. She let me hash out the whole story and she let me express my upset about it. She let me be mad. She identified with me. She sympathized with me. And then she said something that was quite possibly one of the most profound insights I've heard in a long time. She said, "You've been going at this for 7 years right?" When I told her yes, she drew upon stories from Leviticus and other places in the Old Testament where the Israelites were commanded by God to take every 7th year and make it a year of rest. This was rest for the people and rest for the soil. Without this year of rest, the people would get burned out and the soil would be stripped of its nutrients and therefore not produce nearly as rich a crop. God's commandment to make every 7th year a Year of Jubilee was meant to recenter His people. Remind them of their joy in the Lord, of His provisions, and to give them an infusion of energy, strength, and richness so that they could continue pressing forward...
My sweet friend Elise suggested that maybe this year, this 2017, is meant to be our own 21st century Year of Jubilee. We have taken the last couple of days to let that sink in, and I think she is exactly right. We are trying to be intentional about receiving this gift of time and rest that God is extending to us. We are trying not to let the crappy parts of this circumstance stifle our ability to soak up the joy that will come with this rest and the richness we will be infused with when it is over. Maybe our "soil" was beginning to dry up. Maybe we were becoming burned out. Well...there's more than a maybe to that one, I can tell you for sure we were getting burned out. We have come through a crazy amount of impossible odds to get where we are. These things are not normal. To be frank, it's not normal to have to bury your mother smack dab in the middle of medical school. It's just not y'all. And it's an ever lovin' miracle that the two of us are still upright after the world's most brutal summer of 2016! But upright we are and onward we go...
I am still wrestling with God a bit on this one. I am choosing to receive His gift of rest even though I really want to break my neck to "fix" the situation. He's telling me to pump the brakes, and so I will. I am not really looking for the "silver lining" yet. I'm not looking for a reason why all of this happened. I'm afraid I'd probably be searching forever if I gave into that! We are both literally letting go, and letting God. Praying fervently that He is going to shine a spotlight on each step along way so we know right where to go. We have faith that He has plans for good, for hope, and for a marvelous future for our family. That has not changed one bit even after Wednesday's drama! And rather than seeing these next 12 months as a "season of waiting", I'm choosing to see them as an opportunity for rest, recentering, and rejuvenation. Jonathan and I both SO need a breather y'all. We would have never taken this year of our own accord. I'm certain God knew that! And so He has orchestrated what we need better than we could have. Doesn't He always! He's the ultimate parent and He loves us so well...
So here we are. Setting out on our Year of Jubilee. Looking forward to looking back on these 12 months this time next year and seeing all God did in this time of rest. For now, though, here's to divine direction and peace beyond understanding. Whatever my lot, He has taught me to say, it is well with my soul. Amen, let it be so...
Saturday, February 25, 2017
Tuesday, February 21, 2017
Poetic Perfection
I begin this post with so much anticipation on my heart that my fingers are literally trembling. There is so much I want to say and so much divine inspiration in my soul that I can hardly decide where to begin in my sharing. In my life I have found a few patterns that have popped up during "defining moments". As a budding college musician, the music of Frank Ticheli punctuated some of my defining moments as a musician. My first year as a Texas All-Stater, he was my clinician and we played American Elegy (that link is to the recording of the 5A concert band in 2002...I was third chair horn in that group that year). My soul was stirred...I was never the same again! It marked my embarkation into "real" musicianship. Then later in 2007, in April before Jonathan and I were married the following June, I was the principal horn in the OU Wind Symphony. Yet again, the music of Frank Ticheli was part of that defining moment. I had witnessed Jonathan having a seizure for the first time just 2 days before my final concert of my college career. And there I was...charged with performing the somewhat "obligato" solo at the beginning of Ticheli's Sanctuary (do yourself a favor and listen to that link while you read the rest of this post) as not only the final piece of the concert, but also my final performance at OU. What a Sanctuary it was that evening, as I sat on that stage in Norman under the direction of the amazing and moving Dr. William K. Wakefield, and played that solo and that piece with tears in my eyes the whole time. I can't tell you how I made it through that concert without ending up weeping on my knees over the spiritual experience that it was for me. God reminded me then that He is always in control. He marked the end of one chapter and the opening of another with such poetic perfection that I was overcome with gratitude and anticipation...
So here I am today. Mere hours away from the "launch", if you will, of yet another epic chapter in our lives and simultaneously the poetically perfect closing of another. I married a man who has joined with me in such legendary leaps of faith in 10 years that I can't even describe to you. If you'd told me nearly 12 years ago when we went on our first date that our lives would look like this today, that we would walk the roads we have walked hand in hand, I would never have believed you. We have waded through valleys, climbed impossibly high mountaintops, taken crazy scary risks, and reaped SO many rewards. Just a cursory look at what our partnership has looked like over these nearly 12 years makes my heart soar to places I cannot even put into words...
Back to punctuation, though. In January of 2014, I began a Beth Moore study with my soul sister Sara Henderson called Believing God. At that time, Jonathan and I had decided to pursue IVF in hopes of conceiving our miracle. Thus the launch of this blog! That study was incredibly impactful. The whole theme of it was that "believing in" God doesn't go far enough. We need also to BELIEVE HIM and believe that His promises are true. Believe Him when He says He will finish what He starts. It was life changing for me...paradigm shifting! And so we stepped out in faith toward our precious miracle, just as the tagline on this blog says, and we believed God every step of the way. The morning I took that positive pregnancy test I said, "God, I am so incredibly elated right now! But I know that in my life, this is not the end of the struggles I will endure. So remind me, when I find myself in another valley, that you are faithful and that you finish what you start. That you are who you say you are. That you have plans for GOOD. Bring me back to this moment." Y'all...my Greysen baby is getting ready to be 2 years old in a couple of months and God is pressing me, pressing me, pressing me to share with you how He is molding my heart and mind and soul right along those same lines today...
This month I began yet another Beth Moore study called Entrusted. God is, yet again, with poetic perfection, closing one chapter and opening another for me in my life with divine punctuation. He has brought me back to that moment, just as I asked Him to, time and time again in the last 8 months as we have walked some of the deepest and darkest valleys of our lives in this time frame. He keeps saying "Rachel...remember I am faithful. Rachel...remember I finish what I start. Rachel...remember *I* am the One who set this whole thing in motion from the start. Remember!" Because I am human...because I am a worry wort...because I am ME...this "remembering" has not always been easy. It hasn't been as simple as saying "Wow this is terrible. But I see what a miracle Greysen is so I know it will all be ok." If I sat here and told you that it was as simple as that, I would be lying like a rug y'all! It *should* be that easy, but it hasn't been. Sucker punch after sucker punch has been hurled our way over the last 8+ months. We are so weary! I have so wanted to be as solid as I would need to be to put aside the worry and let God DO what He does so well...finish what He starts with poetic perfection! I'm such a control freak y'all...
But here we are today...
I told you...mere hours away from the last page of this chapter being turned. Why is it coming down to hours you ask? Well for us, those sucker punches have left us in a position of waiting...waiting that is somewhat heavier than it would have been had May 2016 not been such a beating for our family. The profound loss we experienced in May had all of us walking through a cloud in the following months. That haze had a major impact on Jonathan as he went into his board exams. It's not simple y'all. God has woven some major complexities into this tapestry of our lives. Without being too cryptic, a finish line that we wish we could have crossed back in October has stretched far beyond that mark. We are awaiting our final passing test score STILL. The reporting period was February 1st through February 22nd. Literally less than 1% of people who took the test when Jonathan did have not yet received their scores. We are among those 15-20 people in America right now (cue eye roll and weepy face emojis here). Tomorrow we are supposed to get our scores. We know they will be passing. But guess what? Here's a little tidbit so you can join me on the edge of my seat tomorrow morning, tomorrow at 9:00 PM EST is the deadline for submitting Rank Order Lists for Match 2017. So literally more than 7 years of work are potentially culminating in things coming down to literal HOURS here. If we don't get scores or if they're late or if for some reason there is a hang up on ERAS and we can't get them updated on our application in time, we will be bumped out of the Match for this year (again...cue weepy face emoji). Holy. Heck.
So why is God drawing this out? Why would He choose not to just give us the scores last Wednesday when 99+% of the test takers received their scores?? Y'all..I don't know. But this morning He stirred something in me while I was in Bible study listening to that fiery Beth Moore do her thang. 2 Timothy 1:7a says "For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but one of power". If I sit here and tell you that it is easy to admit that we are struggling, I would again be lying like a rug. In reality, I worry that if I make bold claims like "He's going to finish what He starts" and tomorrow doesn't pan out like we'd hoped...I worry deeply that you will in some way doubt His power. But you know what? I'm just gonna grab ahold of that POWER Paul is reminding Timothy of. I'm going to put it out there y'all. He's gonna finish what He starts. For cryin' out loud, if He can create a LIFE inside of my body despite my barrenness up until then...can He not do this?? Of course He can. And He will. Are you as revved up as I am about this? Are you ready to see what He does?? Lord knows I am. I'm ready. I'm ready to exalt Him in the closing of this chapter. I'm ready to trust Him with the next. And I want you to come along with me...with us!...for the ride! I'm trusting that Jeremiah 29:11 is true. That He has plans for our lives, and that He knows them well. Plans for peace and a future of continuing to say YES to His callings no matter the risk. He has plans for a future filled with HOPE for the Womack family...
So if you think of us, say a prayer for us. Tomorrow around 8:00 AM we will know the tentative trajectory of this whole thing. By tomorrow evening we will hopefully be, with poetic perfection, turning the final page on this chapter in our lives. And I want your prayers to be answered just like mine will be. Promise me you'll send up your own volley of praise to Him when I get to report on His poetry. I promised Him there would be an uproar... ;)
So here I am today. Mere hours away from the "launch", if you will, of yet another epic chapter in our lives and simultaneously the poetically perfect closing of another. I married a man who has joined with me in such legendary leaps of faith in 10 years that I can't even describe to you. If you'd told me nearly 12 years ago when we went on our first date that our lives would look like this today, that we would walk the roads we have walked hand in hand, I would never have believed you. We have waded through valleys, climbed impossibly high mountaintops, taken crazy scary risks, and reaped SO many rewards. Just a cursory look at what our partnership has looked like over these nearly 12 years makes my heart soar to places I cannot even put into words...
Back to punctuation, though. In January of 2014, I began a Beth Moore study with my soul sister Sara Henderson called Believing God. At that time, Jonathan and I had decided to pursue IVF in hopes of conceiving our miracle. Thus the launch of this blog! That study was incredibly impactful. The whole theme of it was that "believing in" God doesn't go far enough. We need also to BELIEVE HIM and believe that His promises are true. Believe Him when He says He will finish what He starts. It was life changing for me...paradigm shifting! And so we stepped out in faith toward our precious miracle, just as the tagline on this blog says, and we believed God every step of the way. The morning I took that positive pregnancy test I said, "God, I am so incredibly elated right now! But I know that in my life, this is not the end of the struggles I will endure. So remind me, when I find myself in another valley, that you are faithful and that you finish what you start. That you are who you say you are. That you have plans for GOOD. Bring me back to this moment." Y'all...my Greysen baby is getting ready to be 2 years old in a couple of months and God is pressing me, pressing me, pressing me to share with you how He is molding my heart and mind and soul right along those same lines today...
This month I began yet another Beth Moore study called Entrusted. God is, yet again, with poetic perfection, closing one chapter and opening another for me in my life with divine punctuation. He has brought me back to that moment, just as I asked Him to, time and time again in the last 8 months as we have walked some of the deepest and darkest valleys of our lives in this time frame. He keeps saying "Rachel...remember I am faithful. Rachel...remember I finish what I start. Rachel...remember *I* am the One who set this whole thing in motion from the start. Remember!" Because I am human...because I am a worry wort...because I am ME...this "remembering" has not always been easy. It hasn't been as simple as saying "Wow this is terrible. But I see what a miracle Greysen is so I know it will all be ok." If I sat here and told you that it was as simple as that, I would be lying like a rug y'all! It *should* be that easy, but it hasn't been. Sucker punch after sucker punch has been hurled our way over the last 8+ months. We are so weary! I have so wanted to be as solid as I would need to be to put aside the worry and let God DO what He does so well...finish what He starts with poetic perfection! I'm such a control freak y'all...
But here we are today...
I told you...mere hours away from the last page of this chapter being turned. Why is it coming down to hours you ask? Well for us, those sucker punches have left us in a position of waiting...waiting that is somewhat heavier than it would have been had May 2016 not been such a beating for our family. The profound loss we experienced in May had all of us walking through a cloud in the following months. That haze had a major impact on Jonathan as he went into his board exams. It's not simple y'all. God has woven some major complexities into this tapestry of our lives. Without being too cryptic, a finish line that we wish we could have crossed back in October has stretched far beyond that mark. We are awaiting our final passing test score STILL. The reporting period was February 1st through February 22nd. Literally less than 1% of people who took the test when Jonathan did have not yet received their scores. We are among those 15-20 people in America right now (cue eye roll and weepy face emojis here). Tomorrow we are supposed to get our scores. We know they will be passing. But guess what? Here's a little tidbit so you can join me on the edge of my seat tomorrow morning, tomorrow at 9:00 PM EST is the deadline for submitting Rank Order Lists for Match 2017. So literally more than 7 years of work are potentially culminating in things coming down to literal HOURS here. If we don't get scores or if they're late or if for some reason there is a hang up on ERAS and we can't get them updated on our application in time, we will be bumped out of the Match for this year (again...cue weepy face emoji). Holy. Heck.
So why is God drawing this out? Why would He choose not to just give us the scores last Wednesday when 99+% of the test takers received their scores?? Y'all..I don't know. But this morning He stirred something in me while I was in Bible study listening to that fiery Beth Moore do her thang. 2 Timothy 1:7a says "For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but one of power". If I sit here and tell you that it is easy to admit that we are struggling, I would again be lying like a rug. In reality, I worry that if I make bold claims like "He's going to finish what He starts" and tomorrow doesn't pan out like we'd hoped...I worry deeply that you will in some way doubt His power. But you know what? I'm just gonna grab ahold of that POWER Paul is reminding Timothy of. I'm going to put it out there y'all. He's gonna finish what He starts. For cryin' out loud, if He can create a LIFE inside of my body despite my barrenness up until then...can He not do this?? Of course He can. And He will. Are you as revved up as I am about this? Are you ready to see what He does?? Lord knows I am. I'm ready. I'm ready to exalt Him in the closing of this chapter. I'm ready to trust Him with the next. And I want you to come along with me...with us!...for the ride! I'm trusting that Jeremiah 29:11 is true. That He has plans for our lives, and that He knows them well. Plans for peace and a future of continuing to say YES to His callings no matter the risk. He has plans for a future filled with HOPE for the Womack family...
So if you think of us, say a prayer for us. Tomorrow around 8:00 AM we will know the tentative trajectory of this whole thing. By tomorrow evening we will hopefully be, with poetic perfection, turning the final page on this chapter in our lives. And I want your prayers to be answered just like mine will be. Promise me you'll send up your own volley of praise to Him when I get to report on His poetry. I promised Him there would be an uproar... ;)
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