As many of you may know, the close of this chapter of our lives has taken on a bit of a "twist ending" if you will. I can't believe I actually have it in me to put what I'm thinking and feeling into words right now. To be honest, my biggest motivation in doing this, even considering how raw it all still is, is so that you all know that our faith is still intact. If you know me and Jonathan at all, you know we don't throw the towel in very easily. And y'all...this situation doesn't warrant giving up. At least not for us. We have come to an impasse for Match 2017 which has come down to a seemingly impossible and also incredibly frustrating technicality. It's a razor thin line of red tape that just didn't play out in our favor. I could sit here and seethe for hours on end about how unfair it is. How upset we both are about this turn of events. And on and on and on. But the truth of the matter is, the reason why it seems so incredibly impossible that this is all happening is because, frankly, it just wasn't supposed to pan out for us in this match cycle. Good gracious...that is STILL hard to say and even harder to wrap my mind around...
We started this journey toward an M.D. more than 7 years ago. In December of 2009, Jonathan came to me and told me that he felt an intense need to pursue medicine. He was unhappy and unfulfilled in his present career and I hated seeing him that way. I had nothing negative to say about his ambition to be a doctor! As we have climbed this mountain together, it has become increasingly apparent that Jonathan has found his true calling. He is totally in his element in medicine. He's brilliant y'all. He really is. But we knew what we were taking on, in some sense, when we answered this call. We certainly knew it wouldn't be easy. We knew it would be a LONG road and a difficult one at that. We knew that there would be challenges and setbacks and hurdles. And so my friends, despite this recent speed bump, we continue pressing forward. We continue steadfastly working toward our end goal. Weary as we are, we keep trudging along (trying not to grumble too much in the process...). But we are taking note of this "speed bump" and trying also to learn the lessons within it...
I talked with a dear friend of mine Wednesday night. She and her husband have been through similar trials in their lives recently and they've lived to tell the tale! And my goodness...what a breath of fresh air it was to hear her voice (she lives in the San Francisco Bay Area...I haven't seen her in more than 2 years!) and to receive her wisdom on this matter. She let me hash out the whole story and she let me express my upset about it. She let me be mad. She identified with me. She sympathized with me. And then she said something that was quite possibly one of the most profound insights I've heard in a long time. She said, "You've been going at this for 7 years right?" When I told her yes, she drew upon stories from Leviticus and other places in the Old Testament where the Israelites were commanded by God to take every 7th year and make it a year of rest. This was rest for the people and rest for the soil. Without this year of rest, the people would get burned out and the soil would be stripped of its nutrients and therefore not produce nearly as rich a crop. God's commandment to make every 7th year a Year of Jubilee was meant to recenter His people. Remind them of their joy in the Lord, of His provisions, and to give them an infusion of energy, strength, and richness so that they could continue pressing forward...
My sweet friend Elise suggested that maybe this year, this 2017, is meant to be our own 21st century Year of Jubilee. We have taken the last couple of days to let that sink in, and I think she is exactly right. We are trying to be intentional about receiving this gift of time and rest that God is extending to us. We are trying not to let the crappy parts of this circumstance stifle our ability to soak up the joy that will come with this rest and the richness we will be infused with when it is over. Maybe our "soil" was beginning to dry up. Maybe we were becoming burned out. Well...there's more than a maybe to that one, I can tell you for sure we were getting burned out. We have come through a crazy amount of impossible odds to get where we are. These things are not normal. To be frank, it's not normal to have to bury your mother smack dab in the middle of medical school. It's just not y'all. And it's an ever lovin' miracle that the two of us are still upright after the world's most brutal summer of 2016! But upright we are and onward we go...
I am still wrestling with God a bit on this one. I am choosing to receive His gift of rest even though I really want to break my neck to "fix" the situation. He's telling me to pump the brakes, and so I will. I am not really looking for the "silver lining" yet. I'm not looking for a reason why all of this happened. I'm afraid I'd probably be searching forever if I gave into that! We are both literally letting go, and letting God. Praying fervently that He is going to shine a spotlight on each step along way so we know right where to go. We have faith that He has plans for good, for hope, and for a marvelous future for our family. That has not changed one bit even after Wednesday's drama! And rather than seeing these next 12 months as a "season of waiting", I'm choosing to see them as an opportunity for rest, recentering, and rejuvenation. Jonathan and I both SO need a breather y'all. We would have never taken this year of our own accord. I'm certain God knew that! And so He has orchestrated what we need better than we could have. Doesn't He always! He's the ultimate parent and He loves us so well...
So here we are. Setting out on our Year of Jubilee. Looking forward to looking back on these 12 months this time next year and seeing all God did in this time of rest. For now, though, here's to divine direction and peace beyond understanding. Whatever my lot, He has taught me to say, it is well with my soul. Amen, let it be so...
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