These two years of our lives have absolutely been the most difficult ones we’ve had to endure. There have been moments of unimaginable joy intermingled with the parts that have been nearly unbearable, yes, but my little heart and mind have been through the emotional equivalent of a meat grinder in the last nearly 24 months. I keep telling myself that it’s the refining fire. I know that it really is. I know that these experiences are formative for me and for us. The losses we have been hit with in this amount of time have changed us, but I know really they are changes for the better. Our marriage has been strengthened, my mothering has been more purposeful, and my friendships have become more deep and meaningful. Those are all great and perfect gifts that I have received from my Father...
Many of you may not know that I have been in counseling for a few months. Ironic that I am finishing up my own certification to be a counselor, and I find myself on the receiving end. To be frank, I think EVERYONE needs a counselor at some point in their lives. Life is HARD, folks. For me, my grief response has been to “keep the plates spinning”. Do this, say this, make this, take this on, etc. In the midst of that acrobatic feat, though, I have seen “plates” come crashing down and be pulverized into dust that I couldn’t possibly put back together. When that has happened, I have carried the responsibility in my heart for both the breaking and the mending. Neither of which were my fault or within my ability to prevent or repair. In my counseling session Monday morning, my sweet counselor had me read Romans 8:31-37 and replace all the generic binaries with personal ones. She made me read it out loud. Here’s what it sounded like (The Message translation):
“So what do you think, Rachel? With God on your side, how can you possibly lose? If God didn’t hesitate to put everything on the line for you, Rachel, embracing your condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending His own Son, is there anything else He wouldn’t gladly and freely do for you, His daughter? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with you, one of God’s chosen...his girl? Who would dare even to point a finger at you, Rachel? The One who died for you-who conquered the grave for YOU-is in the very presence of God sticking up for you RIGHT NOW, Rachel! Do you think anyone or anything is going to be able to drive a wedge between you and Christ’s fierce love for you? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture. None of this phases you, Rachel, because God LOVES you. I’m absolutely convinced that nothing-nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable-absolutely NOTHING can get between you and Gods love for you, Rachel. Because of th way Jesus has embraced you, his daughter”.
While that seems easy enough, I basically could not read that out loud in my session. It felt wrong to me. So I have spent yesterday and this morning trying to read it that way with confidence. You know what? It dawned on me how crushed my Lord must be to hear me NOT be able to confidently read those verses and apply them to myself. It’s taken more than 20 read through a of those verses written like that for me to have a breakthrough. My God is bigger than circumstances. He is bigger than death, bigger than loss, bigger than rifts, bigger than mistakes. He can take ANYTHING and make into something BEAUITFUL. And you know what? It was NEVER my responsibility to help Him along in that. I was never supposed to be the “fixer”. I am only supposed to be the beloved daughter of my King and let him do the rest...
There are things that happen in life that are not at all preventable. I can’t change someone’s mind, I can’t convince someone who is entrenched in their own truth that what they are believing is a lie, I can’t take on the responsibility of “fixing” what has been crushed. It was never within my power and therefore it was never part of my list of expectations. I can no longer take on this heavy burden of “responsibility” of mending broken things that was never my burden to bear. As my counselor says, “Rachel...that was never yours to fix.” So I get it...I think. How crushed my spirit has been because of those “pulverized plates” in these last few months... But you know what? That feeling of a crushed and unloveable spirit is NOT a feeling from Christ. “Is there anything else he won’t gladly do for you, his daughter?”
In Gods timing, He will make a glorious masterpiece of these broken pieces. I have not a clue on earth how He will do it, but I know He will. I’m beginning to see how far behind I’ve left the concept of my worth to Christ. How deeply and purposeful He loves me. My ability to see that has been clouded by what feels like a marathon of “taking away” and “leaving without”. But the Word tells me, and I know it is Truth, that God is a God of LOVE. He doesn’t just “do” love...He IS love. And if He truly IS love, then I must rest my heart and my mind on HIM. I have to know and believe that He knows the story well...like the back of his hand...and He hasn’t nor will He leave me or forsake me...
I hope you’ll take a minute to replace my name with yours in that Romans passage. As freely as He gives to me and as fiercely as He protects me...He does the same for you whether you realize it or not. And join me in fervent prayer that God will miraculously build that masterpiece in my life and in your yours. That it would be more breathtakingly beautiful than we ever imagined it could be...
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