It's GO TIME!

Ok, so somehow it's the first of July!  Where in the heck the month of June went, I don't know.  I've been on Lupron and birth control for the last week.  This morning I took my last birth control pill of this process (this rounds out the 6th week of taking those darn things).  The Lupron shots haven't been bad.  It's basically the equivalent of an insulin needle and the medicine doesn't sting like some of the others do.  But man, my life looks SO different this time than the last time we did this!  I don't remember feeling so run down and hormonally emotional this early in the process the first time around, but I also hadn't been through what I've been through these last 4 years and I didn't have a 3 year old to chase around!  So if you see me zoning out when you see me, just know I'm loopy from Lupron... ;)

July promises to be a major rollercoaster for us.  So far I've been really good about keeping myself just busy enough and being purposeful about keeping my mind and heart and adrenaline in a zen place. You all have been SO helpful in that!  I am so grateful for the texts and notes and messages encouraging and reminding me of the army we have behind us.  Next week I'm looking forward to LOTS of girl time with so many of my ladies and I just know that's God's provision in the midst of this ever more stressful process.  The closer we get, the more scary it gets.  But I'm so happy that God is answering prayers big and small along the way.  He is making His presence and His provisions so real and tangible right now and I know so much of that has to do with the prayers you all have lifted for us and with us.  He is "showing up" for us just as He always does and my cup runs over!

So what does July look like for us?  Here's our official timeline:

Monday July 2nd: Baseline ultrasound and blood work at OU.  This is where they check to make sure the birth control and Lupron have been doing their job and I'm not moving toward ovulation.  If I am, it would mean my body is muscling through THREE hormone therapies meant to suppress that process.  Not likely, but possible.  That's why they ultrasound!  Today is also the day we cut the "big check". That part is always a little nerve wracking, but also SO relieving once it's done!

Saturday July 7th: This is our official "start date". What does that mean?  That means I reduce the Lupron to 5 iu, and I add Follistim and Menopur to the nightly regimen.  That's right, three shots in the belly daily for about 10 days.  My Follistim dosage will change as the process progresses and my estrogen level changes and my ovarian follicles begin developing.

Monday July 9th, Wednesday July 11th, and Friday July 13th: These are the appointments I go to every other day to get blood work and ultrasound to see how my ovaries are responding to the hormone therapy.  Dr. Hansen will adjust my stim drugs accordingly at each of these appointments to keep my ovaries working on overtime, but also keeping me from overstimulating (which is NOT a good thing).

Monday July 16th: I may or may not have an appointment this day, but I will likely find out on this day when our retrieval will be...

Tuesday July 17th, Wednesday July 18th, or Thursday July 19th: These are possible retrieval dates.  On whichever of these dates Dr. Hansen chooses, I will go in early in the morning and be put under general anesthesia while they go in and aspirate the fluid (and hopefully the mature eggs!) from each of my follicles.  Last time we had about 20 mature follicles that contained 11 mature eggs.  This time we are hoping for a few more (maybe in the 25 follicles, 15 mature eggs range, so you can pray for those numbers specifically!).  Then I sleep off the anesthesia!

From there we wait to hear how our embabies are growing!  About 24 hours after retrieval I should get a call from my nurse Connie to tell me what we've got and to begin speculating about possible transfer dates.  This is all dependent on the retrieval date and the strength of the embryos...

Things you can pray for:
1) My state of mind and heart in the next 2 weeks!
2) Quiet ovaries on Monday!
3) My body's great response to stimulation therapy!
4) 25 follicles and 15 eggs!
5) Strong and beautiful Womack embryos!
6) The two embryos that will be transferred back to my uterus when the time comes!

SO much is on the horizon for us.  July is going to be a big, big month!  We are excited and scared and hopeful and apprehensive all in one package.  But we are SO grateful for your prayers (we feel every single one for REAL!), your support, your sweet words of encouragement, and your love.  We will be leaning into you and into our great, great God in the coming weeks!

Womack Embabies

Today I take my first injection of Lupron. I remember when we did this the first time, once that first injection happens, everything seems so fly at break neck speed. Technically the next week or so is fairly low key in the grand scheme of the process, however something about these shots in the belly makes everything more real. And then I take a step back and truly look at our timeline and I get a major adrenaline rush (its equal parts excitement, nervousness, and fear) when I think that in 2 1/2 weeks, God willing, more Womack babies will exist on this earth. They are little lives, little PEOPLE, as soon as they’re fertilized!!  And let me tell you, these tiny little embryos each have a unique personality from the literal minute they are created. They each divide differently. They each behave differently.  They hatch at different times, contain different combinations of DNA.  They are each their own unique size and shape.  It's incredible to see these little lives develop from such a small little bunch of cells.  The first time we ever laid eyes on Greysen, he was literally 6 cells big.  His entire "self" could fit on the head of a pin!  And now he runs and talks and laughs and has opinions and a beating heart and functioning lungs.  What a MIRACLE life is!  And we get a front row seat to the incredibly complicated and tedious process of how that life is created...

Of course the prayer immediately following "Please help our embabies grow and develop!" is "Dear God, PLEASE let us meet at least one of these beautiful lives here on earth!"  In our first process we ended up with 11 eggs retrieved, 7 eggs fertilized, 3 viable embryos, 2 embryos transferred, a singleton pregnancy, and one frozen embryo.  Why did we choose to go through another fresh transfer instead of using our frozen embryo?  1) Our sweet little frozen embaby is very, very marginal.  That means that, as far as the grading system of the strength of an embryo and it's propensity to continue into a healthy viable pregnancy, our embaby is the lowest possible grade above "non-viable". It doesn't mean he or she won't eventually grow into a healthy baby and be a part of a healthy pregnancy, but it's highly likely that our little one may not survive the cryogenic thawing process.  2) With my age being what it is (I will turn 34 in November) and our desire to at least have the *option* of 3 children, we are going to have to go through this IVF process again at some point.  It is best to do that as young as possible so that my ovarian reserves don't drop drastically and so that I can be as healthy as possible to carry a pregnancy to term.  So basically, no time like the present...

No matter how many embryos we end up with with this process, every single one of those viable embryos will eventually be transferred right back to where they belong...into their mommy's womb!  Including our one little frosty embryo at OU right now.  We pray fervently for strong and healthy embryos, and we pray even more fervently for a healthy pregnancy and beautiful babies that we meet and know here on earth.  They are beautiful lives from the outset.  What a blessing that so far we have had the privilege of knowing at least one of them here on earth...our little Greysen!  And he's pretty darn fantastic...

Wait with us.  Pray with us.  Hope with us!

I Thought This Would Be Easier...

Answering a call...saying yes to God...ultimately means that your path will be clear and free from obstacles right? Your way will be a straight shot with no fear, no doubt, no chance of failure, hm? Once you pattern your life after God's example and live according to His plan, His will, everything magically becomes easy doesn't it? I'm sure you're sensing the facetious tone here. Because NONE of that is true about saying yes to God. Following God's will for your life, saying YES to His calling, is not easy...

Greysen and I watched The Star (an animated film about the Christmas story) for the first time Friday night. I'm so glad we finally did, because I really loved it and so did he. I've heard several times since then "Mommy, want to watch Jesus?" which is music to my ears! The movie brought me to tears, though, and also brought some important things to light for me. Funny how an animated film can do that...

There is a scene when Mary and Joseph are on the road to Bethlehem and everything seems to be going wrong. Their cart breaks down, they're doubting their aptitude for the massive task they've been entrusted with...basically everything they've both been thinking kind of comes right to the surface. And Mary says, "This is so hard! Why is this so hard? I know this is God's plan, but I guess I just thought it would be easier than this..." Oh sister...can I identify with that reality! When you say yes to God...when you agree to be a part of His ultimate purpose...it doesn't magically exempt you from the world and everything that comes along with it...

So what does that mean? Say no to God because ultimately that's the easier road? Interesting thought isn't it? Hearing those words come out of Mary's mouth in the movie got me thinking about how many people God called who may have said no to the heavy task of carrying the Messiah. It's a nice thought to think that the first woman he prompted was Mary and she said yes with no hesitation. Maybe that's how it went down, maybe it's not. But it got me thinking about the lineage of Jesus...essentially God's "rescue plan" for His creation. He had a plan and He used His people to carry it out. Just as He is still doing today. But it took willing parties to say yes to Him. To trust His plan. I don't think it's an accident that the blood line of Jesus Christ is punctuated with women who battled infertility and loss. "Non-traditional mothers", if you will. It's not a mistake. Sarai, Rachel, Hannah, etc. Those heroines of the faith said yes, and their yeses came with pure joy and fulfillment AND crazy difficult obstacles and TOUGH promises to keep. Don't you think Mary rethought her yes to God when it became more clear that her precious son was to be hung on the cross? Wasn't Hannah's promise more difficult to keep when Samuel became old enough to commit his entire life to the ministry and leave her...she was going to have to make good on her word to give him over to the work of God! I can guarantee you that continuing to say yes to being a part of God's bigger purpose was NOT easy for those women then, and it's NOT easy today...

Fear is loud...and very convincing. Doubt is intense...it's hard to dodge. Worry is my arch nemesis...it follows me like a big black cloud ready to engulf me if I let it. In the midst of this IVF journey, just like last time, I am constantly...daily...being bombarded with things and circumstances which create worry and doubt and fear about this process. The "what ifs" are SO hard to drown out. There are an insane number of potential derailments, disappointments, failures. And it is SO easy to let myself go down that road of what ifs. Ultimately, I have no idea whether any of those what ifs will play out in my story. But I'm not supposed to have it figured out. I'm only supposed to take His hand, trust His plan, and keep saying yes. Keep taking another step, and another step, and another step. Even when it's scary...terrifying. The one truth I know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that God will be with me. The circumstances won't change His constancy. When I said yes to him 23 years ago, He became a forever enmeshed part of me that can never be separated...

Psalm 27:13-14 says, "I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness while I am here in the land of the living.Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord." A sweet family here in Oklahoma is walking a tough road with their son Caleb as he recovers from a traumatic brain injury. This young man has been SUCH an inspiration for me during these last couple of months. Caleb's father wrote this a few weeks ago: "This weekend I pictured our biblical heroes as they lived through God’s miracles. Do you think the Israelites ever glanced up at the walls of the Red Sea and wondered if they would hold until they had crossed? Do you think Daniel ever looked suspiciously at the lions and worried they might suddenly become hungry during that long night in the den? Do you think the disciples ever questioned whether they heard Jesus correctly when He said He would return? Of course they did. But we call them heroes of the faith because they endured to the end, whether the wait was one night or a lifetime..."

So what does all this mean for me...for you? God doesn't promise us ease on this earth. He doesn't promise us prosperity and success. He promises us His PRESENCE, His CONSTANCY, His PROVISION, His PROTECTION, and most importantly His KINGDOM. John 16:13...Jesus' words..."I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world." So that means when it feels like I can't find peace here on earth...peace in my circumstances...I can trust that if I seek peace in Him I will find it. It also means that I myself don't have to overcome the world. I don't have to "beat the odds". He already did all of that on the cross! And He did it FOR ME! So praise God for His presence, His constancy, His provision, His protection. I can do this...I can answer His call and say YES to His calling. Even when it's terrifying. Why? Because I serve a God who PROMISES that participation in His ultimate purpose will NEVER go unnoticed and unrewarded by Him...

I Don't "Get" Pregnant

In the IVF world, we don't say "get" pregnant.  We use the phrase "achieve pregnancy".  And believe you me, that action verb "achieve" is 1,000% percent more accurate than "get".  How I have longed for the ability to just "get" pregnant.  To decide it was time to try, and then within 12 months or less, you're there.  It makes it even more frustrating to know that even after all of the extensive testing and procedures we've been through, there's still no explanation for why we can't "get" pregnant and maintain a pregnancy without help.  But I've learned to be ok with the fact that "achieving pregnancy" is the hand I have been dealt.  I'm an over-achiever by nature...so maybe this was just what was supposed to be all along!

Let me just give you a small snapshot of what the following 6-8 weeks is going to look like for us:

Every day (currently):
400 mg of CoQ10
Daily Probiotic
Daily 5,000 IU of Vitamin D
Inositol (Vitamin B8) Supplement
DHA Supplement
Prenatal Vitamin (AKA horse pill...)
Cyclafem birth control (I actually don't mind this...I lost 8 pounds last time on this pill.  So far I've lost almost 6 this time and I've got a solid 3 more weeks left of it!)

In about 2 weeks:
I'll continue the above supplements but add an injection of Lupron once a day right in my belly.  Lupron injections don't hurt *too* much, but they are usually accompanied by a pretty gnarly headache which I will try to stay ahead of this time...

About 2 weeks after that:
I'll drop the birth control and add 2 more types of injections.  Yep you read that right.  Three needles to the lower belly once a day.  Ouch...  One of this medications is called Menopur.  It's made with the urine of post menopausal women.  There's a fun fact for ya!

About 2 weeks after that:
I'll drop the Lupron and add Follistim which is the drug that stimulates my ovaries to crazy produce.  Meaning my ovaries go from being about the size of lemons to what feels like basketballs.  I will go in every other day for blood work and ultrasounds, and then eventually every day until it looks like my ovaries are ready to be triggered...

About 10 days later:
I take a shot in my belly (which smarts with the fire of a thousand suns) called Novarel to trigger my ovaries.  24 hours later I go in for my egg retrieval...

Egg Retrieval Day:
We go in at zero dark thirty and they put me under general anesthesia.  They send Jonathan back to collect and I go into the procedure room where they basically pierce my ovaries with a needle and aspirate out all the fluid (and hopefully eggs) from each mature follicle.  Last time we had 11 mature eggs.  Dr. Hansen is shooting for about 15 this cycle by changing up my stim drugs a little in the beginning.  Then I go home and sleep on the anesthesia and stay ahead of any cramping with Tylenol.  I also can drop all my supplements except for the Prenatal Vitamin, the DHA, and the Vitamin D.  I also get to add a lovely shot of Progesterone in oil right in my butt.  Every day for hopefully the next 13 weeks.  While I'm snoozing, the embryologists are performing a procedure on my eggs and Jonathan's sperm called ICSI (rhymes with pixie, but stands for Introcytoplasmic Sperm Injection).  We do this because our infertility is unexplained. One of the causes of infertility is the incompatibility of the sperm with the shells of the eggs.  This procedure basically eliminates that as a possibility.  More on that in another post...

The Next Day or Two Later...
Connie, our nurse, calls to tell us how our embryos are growing.  This is SUCH a high anxiety call to answer!  Last time we had 7 of the 11 eggs retrieved fertilize successfully.  Conceivably, you can expect that about half of the eggs you retrieve will fertilize, and about half of those will be viable embryos for either transfer or freezing.  Dr. Hansen is shooting for closer to 15 mature eggs retrieved this time in hopes that our outcomes will be the same or better as they were the first time.  So essentially we are hoping for 7-9 fertilized embryos which would leave us 3-5 viable for transfer or freezing...

Either 3 or 5 days after Retrieval...
I go in and they bring us pictures of our "embabies"!!  They prep me for what looks like a basic pelvic exam, but they also to a trans abdominal ultrasound so they can watch the catheter thread right into my uterus.  Then the embryologist comes in the room from the lab with a syringe which contains our embryos.  We will transfer 2 (assuming we have that many viable).  We watch as the embryos are transferred into my body.  It looks like two little balls of light being transferred on ultrasound!  Then I stay lying down for about 30 minutes, and then I leave...

14 days after Retrieval...
I hopefully take a positive pregnancy test!!  This is literally the longest 10-12 days in the history of time.  No guarantees but a WHOLE lot of hope! Also in this time period we are informed if any of our remaining embryos (if there are any) are viable enough to freeze...

Whew!  Is your head spinning yet??  Mine is!  It's a ride y'all.  And its WORK.  But we also know that there is a divine component to all of this that we have absolutely no control over.  It's in God's hands.  The outcome, the embryos, the procedures.  He's got it all in His hands.  So while it's incredibly scary, it's also exciting.  We get to see how God creates pregnancy from a literal front row seat.  Here's the reaction we are hoping for about 4 weeks after that retrieval day when we see our sweet little one's heart beat for the first time...