Friday, May 2, 2014

For I Know The Plans I Have For You...

Wanna know where my mind has been these past few weeks?  Well...judging by the fact that in the last month Jonathan has taken two pivotal tests and we've packed up our apartment, I'd say it's been on the future!  You know, a large part of the medical school journey includes the fear of the unknown.  There is always that chance that even though you work really, really hard, you might still have abandoned everything for this and not see a positive outcome.  After the results from the first mini exam were posted in MERP nearly 2 years ago, Jonathan was really displeased with his scores.  I mean REALLY displeased.  He was beyond frustrated with himself saying things like "I'm in med school now.  I can't just take a bad test the first go round and then redeem myself the second time around anymore."  But that was the turning point for him...for us.  His quote then was this:

"Babe.  I made us give up everything for this.  And I promise I'm going to make this happen.  I'm not going to let this end in failure.  Whatever is in my power to do, I'm going to do it.  And this WILL end in an M.D."

A bit of determination, huh?  And you know, ever since then he has not quit amazing me.  Both with his tenacity and with his scores.  It's becoming more and more real this idea that what he is doing right now is setting us up for a beautiful future.  He's had a vision all along.  THIS is when I realize how invested he's been in our future.  How smart and calculated he's been.  And how serious he has been all along about that promise he made to my dad nearly 8 years ago when he asked for my hand in marriage.  He promised he would take care of me in the way that I've been accustomed to being taken care of.  And even though the journey to get there has meant lots of sacrifice and difficulty along the way, our future is bright, bright, bright!

In these past few weeks I've been dreaming about our future home.  All the wonderful vacations we will take our children on.  All the road trips to visit family and friends.  The fact that our babies will go to college on our dime, never want for anything, have beautiful weddings, and experience the world.  How gorgeous is our family's future??  

The hardest part of this journey through medicine will likely be those first 2 years of internship and residency.  I know this full well.  I remember as a child *hating* those nights that my daddy wasn't home because he was working shift work.  As a little girl, your house never seems quite safe enough when your protector isn't there at tonight.  In retrospect I know how difficult that work must have been for my dad.  But I know now that his choice to take on those "scut work" type jobs meant that he built a reputation for himself and a future for our family.  My sister and I lived a beautiful childhood because of my dad's unwillingness to accept mediocrity in his job.  And I am SO grateful for that!  And I'm excited for my own babies when I consider the fact that my Jonathan is doing that very same thing for them right now...before they're even conceived!  And thankfully, by the grace of God, by the time their ability to form long term memories has developed, residency and long grueling hours at the hospital will be a thing of the past for us.   Their formative years will be when we are making a 6 figure salary, living in a beautiful home, and enjoying great vacations and family time together...

If only our babies right now today could see and hear and experience how much their daddy and I already love them.  If only they could know how hard we are working, what we are sacrificing, to give them a spectacular future.  If only *I* knew 8 years ago what today would look like!  Though I probably wouldn't have believed it, honestly...

We are right on the cusp of one of our turning points in this.  Just a few short weeks will see us ending this Caribbean med school experience and heading back to the states.  A few more weeks will *hopefully* see us with a healthy pregnancy...just months away from realizing one of our most deep seated hopes for our family.  If we are lucky, this time next year we will be holding our baby (or babies) in our arms.  We'll be making plans to head to New York for a year for Jonathan to work through his clinicals.  2 years from now we will be putting the finishing touches on his residency applications.  No way!!  

So our future is bright...and it's exciting to think about it.  The next step in the short term is our first OU appointment.  44 days until we meet Dr. Hansen for the first time and create our official IVF plan!  I just can't believe it's almost here.  But instead of feeling nervous and anxious and scared, I feel excited.  I'm ready.  Jonathan takes the USMLE Step 1 on June 18th and then it's 12 weeks full of focusing on our little (hopefully growing) family and on our future together.  

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  To give you a hope and a future..."-Jeremiah 29:11

He knew before Jonathan and I drew breath, before we fell in love, before we married.  He saw all of this and He said it would be good.  He said He would give us a Hope and a Future.  And He has delivered on all counts so far.  Here's hoping and praying that the next item on His agenda is sending us our miracle babies!

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