It is insane to think that I am already chipping away at my third trimester of pregnancy. Seems like such a short time ago we were just starting this IVF journey, and now here we are 9 1/2 weeks or less away from holding our sweet baby in our arms! Even though I constantly feel my little one wiggle and kick inside my belly, it's all still very surreal to me. Last week I went back and read most of my blog posts and I was just so struck by how intensely God has been revealing Himself to me. It's maybe the first time in my life when I can look back and say, "Yeah. I heard Him right, did the right thing, and I am most certainly experiencing exactly what He wants me to be experiencing." It's a completely different paradigm. I just hope that when adversity hits later in my life, which it will, I can draw upon this time in my life and remember that God is GOOD and that His plans are GOOD and that His timing is PERFECT.
I have been so blessed by being able to share my story with so many women and I've also been blessed to be able to champion for them during their journeys as well. It has been priceless to be able to share in the joy of someone else's success and happiness. Equally, though, I've been blessed by the opportunity to offer strength and hope to my sweet ladies whose journeys aren't over yet. My heart breaks for the women I know who have so recently experienced losses or failures on the fertility front. But just as much as my heart breaks for their sadness, my "fixer" mentality screams "Just wait...I swear it gets better!". And really, I swear it does...
I reread a blog post of mine where I speculated that if God places something on your heart so intensely that it just won't seem to go away, He truly intends to see that through. And, y'all...He DOES! He really, really does. He wants you to experience ALL the good things in this life and in the next. I still consider why it was that Jonathan and I had to go through what we have gone through to get pregnant. There is still no medical explanation as to why this happened. But I told a friend of mine the other day that I truly believe that we were just *meant* to go through IVF. The bigger picture is one we really don't understand. But I was meant to be a trailblazer. And my babies were meant to be able to see pictures of themselves when they were just a tiny cluster of cells. A short 4-5 years ago I would have told you with full confidence that IVF was NOT the thing for us. But God changed our minds and our hearts in the perfect timing, and here we sit today. Expecting our precious little one in May. And my cup overflows with gratitude!
So I say all that to say this:
If you find yourself today where I was a year or so ago. If you're feeling defeated, hopeless, ignored, abandoned. If you're thinking maybe God will never answer your prayer. If any of those thoughts or feelings float through your mind, do this instead.
1) Consider what in your life is a blessing right now today. If I could have done this in my moments of deepest sorrow and hurt over infertility, I might have saved myself LOTS of grief...
2) Give it to Him. Easier said than done...I know this FULL well. But I had to get to the point where I said, "Ok God, if this isn't in the cards for me, take the desire away." And I had to be ready for Him to do that and replace it with something better. I finally figured out how to be ok with a "better replacement". What I experienced was an intensifying of that desire to be a mother, but I feel strongly that if it truly wasn't in the cards for me, He would have removed the desire and filled that void with something more perfectly meant for me...
3) Don't be silent about your struggle! THIS I cannot stress enough, girls. DO NOT close yourself off and assume nobody understands or cares. We as women experience a deep seated feeling of failure when our bodies won't do what they were supposedly created to do. This feeling is intense and it physically hurts. It stings. And it makes lots of other things in your life even more difficult to deal with. Find yourself an Infertility Counselor, talk to a pastor, find an empathetic girlfriend, message ME! The healing powers of sharing and solidarity are more reparative than I can tell you. It wasn't until I started this blog nearly a year and a few months ago that I truly started experiencing that healing. Be bold, my sister. Don't hide behind your perceived failure...
I am not naive enough to think that Jonathan and I won't experience difficulties in parenting or even maybe conceiving again. This journey is by no means over for us! But with the same intensity that I am completely head over heels in love with the sweet growing baby boy inside of me, I also want the same joy for the women out there who still find themselves knocking and knocking and wondering when that door will open. I want to squeal with excitement right along side you when God blesses your life with either a child or something more perfectly meant for you. He has not left you. He hears you. Rather than picturing Him with His arms crossed and His back turned to you, conjure up an image of Him gloriously painting the beautiful mural that is your life and your future. Let me tell you...when He unveils that beautiful masterpiece, even if it's only a tiny little glimpse at a time, you will be speechlessly awed...
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