He sent literal hoards of cards and messages and calls from all of you. He sent sweet faces with even sweeter hugs and knowing tears to comfort me. He sent my Mama to put her arms around me. He wrapped me in my husband's arms and he laid my sweet baby Greysen in mine. He provided for my every need. He is STILL providing. And my cup overflows with gratitude for who He is in my life. How He so beautifully and effortlessly sweeps His brush across the mural of my life and makes something beautiful out of the ashes...
I may never truly understand on this side of Heaven why this happened. I'm grateful for a God who lets me stay blissfully ignorant to His incredible plans because I know I would wreck them if He let me have the reigns. We are a week and a half out from losing our sweet Soutine, but my God has been faithful. He never left me. He let me be mad at Him. He let me cry and He let me question. He let me feel every bit of the human emotion that comes with loss. But He carried me every step of the way...He's still carrying me today...
On that Thursday night when I went to the ER, I had a callous nurse who was fairly uncaring. In my anger about the situation, she is the only person I told you about. But there was another character in that story. And she deserves more airtime than the hardened nurse. After checking into triage, I went back out to the waiting room. I had been pretty numb on the drive over and in the process of checking in, but when I sat down and Jonathan put his arm around me...I lost it. I clamored for Greysen so I could wrap my arms around my baby and smell his sweet head and soak up every ounce of him. And I wept into the soft place between his shoulder and his neck while he sat still in my lap with his tiny arms slung around my neck. And then she was there. My eyes were clouded with tears, but I felt her warm hand on my shoulder and I heard her say, "I'm here in this hospital with you. Tell me why you're crying dear." I raggedly said, "I think I'm having a miscarriage." I could hardly get the word out. She stood there over me and she said, "Baby, sometimes we don't know what God is doing. Sometimes we don't understand. But He loves you and He loves this baby. And His will will be done. But He will comfort you if you let Him." Through tear-filled eyes I looked up into hers. She was a heavyset black woman. She was wearing unassuming clothes and she handed me a package of tissues. She had green eyes. I stifled the urge I had to reach up and place my hand on her cheek. I don't know where that uncanny urge came from to touch a stranger's face. She put her hands on either side of my face and she prayed for me. She prayed for my baby, for Jonathan, for my family, for my comfort and peace. And she left. After they had drawn my blood, they sent me to another waiting room. In that room, she was there. She talked with people around her as if they were just casually spending time together. I couldn't bring myself to look at her again, but there was something soothing about just knowing she was there...
Y'all...I'm not one for "out of body experiences" or "supernatural manifestations". But I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the hands that touched my face that night were His. I told Jonathan that night at home amidst my sobs that "I think that woman was God." And he said, "I think so too. I thought that the minute she walked up." I told Him to show up. He did. In a big way. In just the way I needed Him to. And He's been showing up ever since. Not for a second have I truly had to question how much He truly loves and cares for me in all of this. And while I know I will never understand in my limited ability to grasp His purpose for things, I believe He has been gracious enough to provide me a little insight into His perfect plan...
The timing is so perfect, that I have to believe that my sweet angel Soutine was a gift for my Mimol on this earth AND in Heaven. Her life and her purpose were bigger than me. And while she never breathed a breath here on earth, I know she heard her Lord say "Well done my good and faithful servant." For the two weeks I knew she was there, she brought unimaginable joy to me and my family and my sweet grandmother. Knowing she was there was the last sheer joy my Mimol experienced on this earth. It was the last time I heard her laugh or saw her cry tears of joy. And the image I have in my mind is this. My sweet Soutine, with her jet black curls like Daddy and her button nose like Mommy...her piercing blue eyes like her big brother Greysen...stood with her hand outstretched to Mimol. And the two of them strolled into those pearly gates with Bernice's "Dance in the River" as their soundtrack. They were welcomed with open arms and so much uncontainable joy. While I can be sad for a moment, I know it's ok not to be ok, I can't linger on the emotion of sorrow when I know what that reception was like. When I know what MY reception will be like when that day comes for me. My little baby girl accomplished her purpose on this earth in the blink of an eye. Oh how He loves her. Oh how He loves ME! And today I cling to HOPE. Because I know my God is faithful. I know He finishes what He starts. I know He is good ALL THE TIME. And I know His plan for my life is marvelous. That mural is far from finished...
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