Tuesday, February 18, 2014

I Can See It...Can You??

So per the name of this blog, I've been trying really hard to make sure that my posts are POSITIVE.  It helps my psyche as well to be able to articulate what inspires me to keep on keepin' on.  But I have to be honest with you.  Being positive...being upbeat all the time is difficult.  It's a REALLY tough thing to do.  Especially when sometimes my emotions kind of give me whiplash...

For instance, this past weekend we got incredibly good news about our financial piece.  We also got confirmation that not only is June 16th our official "first appointment" at OU Infertility, but we also are in with the "head honcho".  The doctor who's been at this for 17 years and has a 53% success rate.  That's HUGE in the infertility world.  That means more than half of the women he works with end up pregnant some way some how.  That's exciting and also comforting.  We feel like we are in good hands...

And then as the days creep by, anxiety starts to work its way in.  Here are the things that float through my mind:

"Man, *what if* this whole thing is a total wash and we don't end up getting pregnant?  We will have spent all this money, invested so much emotional and physical energy into this process, and still be at square one..."

"What if Dr. Hansen orders a laproscopy and they find some sort of tumor or major problem?  And then our seemingly 'perfect' timeline is shot to hell because they will either have to do major surgery or turn us away from IVF completely.  Then what?"

"What if we *do* get pregnant and then have another miscarriage.  I'm not sure I could emotionally navigate that..."

"What if we never make it to the transfer stage because my eggs are crap and none of them are viable after retrieval?"

"What if we never find a solution to this?"

So there ya go...a little slice of my insides on the days that I'm feeling a little less than confident.  It's days like those, inevitably, that a friend offers a word of encouragement even though they didn't know that's what I had been thinking.  A family member sends me a sweet text out of nowhere.  My husband decides to do something special for me just because he felt like it...

And it's then that I'm reminded to BREATHE.  Just breathe in and out and see the glass half full.  See those petri dishes full of fertilized eggs.  See those TWO pink lines.  See that beautiful sonography heartbeat.  See that perfect pregnancy announcement.  See that labor and delivery room.  See that beautifully perfect tiny little face staring back at me.  See Jonathan kissing the top of his sweet new baby's head.  See our families beaming with pride over the newest addition to the family.  See those tiny socks and onesies and pacifiers and bottles.  See those sweet tiny fingers wrapped around mine...

I can see it...can you??

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