Forgiveness for "Bad Behavior"

Last night I took my first injection.  No biggie...it was just a subcutaneous Lupron injection so I barely felt it at all.  But something tells me these next 4 weeks are going to fly by now that we've started this part of all of this.  I've only got 7 more birth control pills to take and then that part will be over.  Though it's a little daunting to think I'll be getting a shot every day for the next 30 days and on some days I'll be taking up to 5 shots at a time.  Yikes!  It'll all be worth it I know...

A sweet friend of mine asked me Saturday if I was ready for our IVF process to really start.  And I told her that I couldn't really pinpoint how I was feeling.  It's part nervous, part excited, but really what makes it so hard to verbalize is that I'm feeling really peaceful about it.  It's almost like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop because I'm so relaxed going into this process.  I definitely think that's by design...

God has really been giving me the "I Told You So" lately.  He's reminding me of all those times I cried and screamed at Him for not hearing me and not answering my prayers.  He's showing me how He has so perfectly orchestrated this situation and how long He's been working on it.  He brought people into my life 12-18 years ago who were designed specifically to be part of my support system today.  How incredible is that??  He's been behind the scenes all along just working out this perfect scenario for us.  My heart skips a beat when I remember how my friend Sarah W. and I met in college.  How at the time it was such a crazy easy relationship to fall into.  How it was almost as though we were cut from the same mold!  And now today how, despite my screw ups along the way and my "bad friend behavior" in my more immature years, God has STILL worked things for good.  He brought her back into my life, restored our friendship, and made her one of my cornerstone supporters.  Be still my heart...oh how my God loves me!

He has forgiven me for my "bad sister behavior" too and has brought my Amanda back into my life in such a HUGELY impactful way.  Again...my heart can't contain all these blessings y'all.  I don't know what today would look like if I wasn't getting my daily Amanda fix.  And I seriously don't know if I would have such a perfect peace about moving forward with all of this if my relationship with her was as fractured as it was just a short few months ago.  He is a God of restoration...a God of second chances...and He works ALL things for good.  He let me grow through all of this and right now today I am more prepared...more ready to be a mommy than I ever have been.  Piece by piece He is righting the wrongs and forgiving my imperfections and loving me just so perfectly.  What more could I ask for??

So shot by shot, pill by pill, day by day...we are just walking through these open doors.  I thank God every day for what He has already done and what He is going to do in these coming weeks.  I'm excited to move forward.  It's a little surreal to think that in 3 weeks time we'll be getting calls about our little embabies in the lab.  I can't tell you how pumped I am about that.  My little babies will be growing...we've waited SOOOO long for this!

So say prayers for peace for me and Jonathan.  He also will be taking his medical board exam on August 10th, so prayers for that are much appreciated as well.  August will be a big month for us y'all!  And while you're at it, don't forget to thank God for what He WILL do in YOUR life.  If it's anything like what He's doing in mine right now, He deserves as much thanks as you can muster...

And So It Begins...

Alright folks...the party has started!  I got my medications in the mail today.  Take a look at my "haul":

I've never been prescribed this much medication in my life, so it's a little overwhelming.  But looking at all of it just reminds me that we are just a few weeks away from retrieval and transfer.  I can't help but imagine the phone calls we will be getting from Connie soon telling us how our little embabies are growing.  I have a feeling I will be in love with them the minute I know they're there!  As a matter of fact, I've been feeling frequently on the verge of tears lately.  Actually broke into a near sob at dinner with my parents in law tonight just talking about waiting on God and trying to listen to Him.  It's just becoming so real and subsequently SO heavy.  So soon we will be closer to a pregnancy than we have EVER been.  The gravity of that is hitting home so intensely...more intensely every day.  And the fact that my babies are so close to being here...just yanks my heartstrings y'all.  My eyes are brimming right now actually...

We have decided to do what Dr. Hansen refers to as a split conventional/ICSI treatment.  Meaning the embryologist and lab technicians will be fertilizing half my eggs conventionally (that means the eggs go in a dish and they put the sperm next to them and allow them to be fertilized just as they would in my body).  The other half will be fertilized via ICSI (intro cytoplasmic sperm injection) which means they will be selecting a single sperm and injecting it right into the individual eggs.  Dr. Hansen has recommended this route for us for 2 reasons.  1) Because my ovarian reserves are so high (upwards of 36 follicles or more ready to become healthy eggs), he wants to make sure that all of them get touched by sperm in some way.  It's a little unrealistic to think that one "sample" from Jonathan would be enough to go around and fertilize nearly 40 eggs at once..., and 2) Since Jonathan and I have "unexplained infertility" even after all of the tests we've done at OU, there's a possibility that there might be a problem with fertilization.  Meaning maybe the shells of my eggs are too thick or something of that sort.  So doing the ICSI on half the eggs ensures that even if there has been an issue with conventional fertilization of my eggs all these years, we will have plenty of fertilized eggs to work with...

We feel really good about his recommendation and we are excited to see what happens next.  Dr. Hansen and Connie both were very pleased with my body's reaction to the Sonohystogram and to the mock transfer.  They've been VERY pleased with my hormone markers and my ovarian reserves.  They are perfectly happy with Jonathan's results as well.  Both of them have expressed as much confidence in the success of this process as they possibly can.  Right now there are seemingly no roadblocks to this being a complete success.  The only things standing in the way of us having a successful transfer and hopeful pregnancy is just my body's reaction to the ovarian stimulation medications and our little embabies growth in the lab...

I really can't believe it is already time for all of this to start.  We have just been so overwhelmed by all of your support and thoughts and prayers.  We've been bowled over by how easy this has all been. All of my fears up until this point have been eased with great test results and pain free procedures.  My prayer through all of this is that if at any point God wanted us to to turn around and not do this, He would make it very obvious.  And likewise, if He wants us to continue, to provide an easy and smooth path for us to take.  So far it has been the latter, and there have already been 3-4 times that I've been brought to tears because of how relieved I am at the results of our tests.  Y'all...my cup overflows!

July 27th is the first injection I will take (that's THIS Sunday!!) and I will continue taking injections in increasing numbers all the way up until our retrieval on or near the 20th of August.  And then we will continue taking progesterone in oil injections until the transfer and until we find out if we are pregnant.  If we are, I will continue those injections until 10 weeks of pregnancy.  Obviously we are hoping to be taking those progesterone shots for a long time!  Say prayers for mild side effects.  I'm prepared for them, but it would be nice to not turn into The Rachel From the Black Lagoon during all this...  But I make no promises...

What the Heck is an ART Screening??

Back from a fabulous 4 days in NYC with my mama.  It was the perfect MUCH needed trip for the two of us and one that was so much fun, we are gonna make it a "tradition".  If you're looking for something fun to do with your daughters moms...go to NYC!  See some shows in Broadway, do some shopping, just enjoy each others' company.  It couldn't have gone any better!  Gave me just the perfect amount of distraction to get me to this ART screening today without anxiety.  I'm ready dude!

So what the heck is an ART screening you ask??  Well...in short it's the appointment that kicks everything off.  First of all, Dr. Hansen dedicates 2 hours of his afternoon to me and Jonathan.  He has spent the last month gathering information about our case, looking at blood test results, analyzing Jonathan's "contribution", and he will have a plan ready for us to discuss.  Jonathan and I have a whole giant list of questions to get answered before we get started.  The "consultation" will last around 45 minutes or so and we will leave that part of the appointment with a clear cut plan for our treatment.

Next I will be taken in for yet another panel of blood work.  They're checking my hormone levels and what not to see how I've responded to birth control and decide what dose of Lupron I will need to take to suppress my natural ovulation.  Then I will have what's called a "baseline ultrasound".  This is just a normal ultrasound like I've had before.  They will count my ovarian reserves again and check my lining and all that fun stuff.

Then they'll do what's called a sonohystogram.  This is the procedure that has scared me all along.  See, Jonathan and I have never been able to pinpoint the reason for our infertility.  Nothing has ever presented itself.  This procedure will be a first for me.  Basically they will fill my uterus up with sterile saline and then do an ultrasound.  This gives Dr. Hansen a minimally invasive but pretty comprehensive look at what is inside of my uterus.  What he'll be looking for are things that could hinder implantation of our little embryos.  That could be anything from a lining that is too thick and in need of a D&C to polyps or fibroids that will need removal.  As Dr. Hansen puts it, in an attempt to put my mind at ease, there are no indications up until this point that would lead him to believe there could be a problem revealed here.  However if they *do* find small polyps or fibroids that haven't ever shown up on ultrasound, they will immediately put me  under light anesthesia and go in via hysteroscope and take them out.   Dr. Hansen and Connie both assure me that even if they do find something, the recovery time will not hinder our August retrieval and transfer plans.  Since nothing big has shown up on ultrasound, the likelihood of them finding something really adverse is low.  But I'm still pretty nervous about that part...

Lastly, he'll do what's called a "mock transfer".  This is where he will practice the transfer procedure he'll be using to transfer our fertilized embryos in a few weeks.  He'll be checking the length and bore of the catheter they'll be using and they'll be looking to see how my body reacts to decide whether they'll need to give me something to keep me from cramping up during the real transfer.

Basically, today is a big day for us.  Not *quite* as big as retrieval and transfer days, but big nonetheless.  If you're the praying type, pray for peace for me.  I'm a little nervous and there are lots of procedures happening today.  I need some peace and calm going into this appointment this afternoon!  But after today, we are on our way folks.  We will order our medication and syringes today and start injections on the 27th of this month.  We are very excited and very ready for this ball to really start rolling!  Here we go!

Living in Anticipation Instead of Fear

Each night that I take my tiny little Loestrin pill I am reminded that we are one step closer to a possible pregnancy.  That is both deliriously exciting and also a bit nerve wracking.  I try not to let on many times that I’m feeling anxious, but there is always that little bit of anxiety sort of floating below the surface.  I think it’s a good sign that I’m having trouble picturing this road ending in a negative pregnancy test.  That either means that Baby Womack(s) is really going to be a reality soon or that God is blinding me to the end so that I’ll keep pressing forward.  I sure hope it’s the former! 

It was almost exactly 5 years ago that Jonathan and I decided to start trying for a baby.  It was at my friend Rachel’s wedding where we had the conversation that led us to decide that starting a family was next in line for us.  Nearly 5 years ago we got pregnant with our one and only miracle pregnancy on our first try!  Not long after, we lost our baby, and then a few months following that tragedy it started becoming apparent that infertility was to be our future.  I went through all the stages of grief surrounding the loss of our sweet child.  And then I went through all of those stages again as it became a reality that I was going to have to give up my dream of the perfect conception and pregnancy.  It just wasn’t in the cards for me.  And *that* is when the crippling fear set it.  I might *never* be a mom.  I might *never* hold my babies in my arms.  I was terrified…

I was afraid that if I gave this one thing to God…really *gave* it to Him…that He would take it away forever.  I lived in fear of His plan.  I lived in fear of His sovereignty over my life.  I could have given you the perfect little “Sunday school answer” if you had asked me.  “Well God has a plan and we are just trusting Him!”  But did I really believe it?  No way!  I knew God had a plan, but I didn’t trust Him.  I didn’t trust that His plans were better than mine.  I didn’t trust that if I let go of my death grip on my dream, He would return it to me 10 fold.  Better than how I’d left it…

It wasn’t until a few years later when I was so broken about the situation that I finally just said, “Ok God.  I can’t take this anymore.  I feel like an empty shell of myself.  I hurt so bad about this that I’m just numb.  So if this isn’t in the cards for me…if I’m not meant to be a mommy…PLEASE just remove this desire from my heart.  PLEASE!  If I go on like this there will be nothing left in the end…”  I gave it to Him.  Finally and absolutely.  I would say it felt good, but initially it didn’t.  I was still terrified of what the outcome might be.  But I waited for that desire to lift off my heart.  But you’ll never guess what He did…

All of this was happening in the midst of our move to Dominica.  Around March/April of 2013 I had come home to be in the wedding of my sweet friend Marivy and during that time my friend Rachel announced her pregnancy and my sister Amanda gave birth to her first baby Carolyn.  I went back to Dominica pretty full but also still fully intending to leave my dream behind if that’s what the plan was.  I was just so tired of feeling defeated.  I had visited my Ob/Gyn and gotten a diagnosis of elevated prolactin for which she prescribed me Dostinex.  I began taking the medication in hopes that maybe that was my ticket, but I tried not to get my hopes up too much…

  When I returned to Dominica, so began what I will refer to as my “Mother Hen Year”.  From that point until the moment I kissed my sweet Lincoln’s cheeks for the last time in Puerto Rico in May, there was rarely a day that went by that I didn’t have a child in my arms, on my lap, holding my hand.  Though the perfect conception and pregnancy was still not in the cards for me, motherhood most definitely was.  God solidified that for me in the most real way.  He stirred the desire up in me on a daily basis.  He showed me images of my future.  He let me see my Jonathan loving on children and see them just adoring him.   He let me snuggle fussy babies to sleep, put band-aids on boo-boos, comfort upset little ones, etc.  In short He was saying, “No Rachel, this IS what I want for you.  But your dream for your life pales in comparison to MY dream for your life.  And though I hate to see you cry and hurt over this, I’m just not willing to compromise on my perfect plan for you.  I wish you really would just trust me on this.  I have good things coming!”

We had made the decision over cokes at Chik-Fil-A in December to move forward with IVF.  You know, God really does have a sense of humor.  I am such a planner…I wouldn’t consider myself “spontaneous”.  But some of the hugest decisions in my life and in our lives as a married couple have been made in the most nonchalant of ways.  Jonathan’s decision about medical school was announced and discussed in bed as we were reading before lights out.  And our decision to answer that “nudge” about IVF happened when our car wouldn’t start and we had made a quick trip to a fast food joint for a drink.  From that minute on, we have both felt His real presence.  It almost feels like driving down a road filled with stoplights and all of them turn green for you.  There is little to no resistance in this process.  Sure there are bumpy parts of the road…there is anxiety about the outcome…but we have yet to come across a legit roadblock.  I have to believe that is by design…

I arrived at a conclusion the other day during a conversation with my MIL Bernice.  The difference in our demeanor is both the (hopefully) quickly approaching answer to prayer AND (maybe more so) the way we are approaching life in general.  As we move forward in our quest to become parents, we are not doing so in fear.  We don’t fear His plan or His purpose.  Even though we are keeping in mind the very real possibility that this could end in failure too, we are not afraid that He might just dangle the carrot and never see this through to fruition.  We are ANTICIPATING what He will do.  We are so ready to be awed!  Frankly, He has already started knocking us down with His blessings by way of the overwhelming support we’ve been getting, the amazing doctors we’ve been lead to, and our reception of that peace that surpasses all understanding.  He is lavishing His gifts on us and we are overwhelmed by His grace!

You see, fear is a tool that the enemy uses against us.  Fear drums up all manner of other crippling states of mind.  Fear creates anxiety, doubt, resentment, envy, jealousy, etc.  It is the spark in the dry tinder that starts the bonfire of defeat in our hearts and minds.  Then that choking black smoke keeps us from seeing things the way God intends for us to.  When that bonfire welled up in me it caused me to feel hatred for pregnant women, it stifled my joy, it made me calloused to God.  I didn’t want to hear Him because that black smoke made Him seem like the enemy.  He was never the enemy.  Au contrair, He was trying desperately to pull me out of my funk and help me to see where the real enemy was lurking.  Like a hungry lion salivating over my soul.  My “Sunday School answer” was that I was “trusting God”, but in reality I was wrestling with the thought that maybe He was the reason for my pain.   Maybe He was the one trying to break me down…

But I found Him when there was nothing left of me to offer Him other than my brokenness.  I came to Him with the pieces of my life and my dreams in shambles.   There was nothing left there.  No wonder I felt like a sad shell of myself.  I had told Him to “get out”.  I had told Him “I don’t need you”.  I had told Him “what you have planned isn’t good enough”.  I was so empty.  But the minute I said “Ok God.  I’ve messed this up enough.  See what you can do with it…”, He gladly and swiftly gathered all those pieces up.  He wrapped me up in love.  And He is putting those pieces back together one by one as we speak.  Though I’ll be honest…the masterpiece He is creating is much different than I remember it being before it was all in pieces.  It is much brighter, much more joyful, much more hopeful, worlds more BEAUTIFUL than I could ever have imagined it.  There is peace and light and rest in His masterpiece.  And I have only seen a small portion of it thus far.  He has so much more to reveal to me!

So in short, I’ve learned to live in anticipation instead of fear.  I’ve learned to walk forward when maybe I can only see far enough ahead of me to take one more step.  I’m trusting that there will be firm ground under me and a clear path before me.  I mean that.  It is not “blind faith”.  I see my God and I know that I know that I know that He is good.  And His mercies are new every day.  When He looks at me, He sees perfection…even though I’ve done just about everything in my power to injure my image for Him.  He has amazingly wonderful things in store for me both in this life and in the next.  He is GOOD.  His plans for me are for GOOD.  I just barely “brushed His cloak” and I felt full again.  But it took full brokenness for me to get there.  Praise God that through all of that He never left me.  He never forsook me.  But He never forced His way in either.  He waited patiently for me to CHOOSE Him.  And so far these verses have been ringing so very true in my ears:

“Ask and it will be given to you.  Seek and you shall find.  Knock and the door shall be opened to you.  For everyone who asks, receives.  Everyone who seeks, finds.  And to the one who knocks, the door will be opened to them.” – Luke 11:9-10

“Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid or terrified, for the Lord your God goes with you.  He will never leave you or forsake you.” – Deuteronomy 31:6

“It is in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for.  Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, He had His eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose He is working out in everything and everyone.” – Ephesians 1:11-12

All of these "revelations" and all this "strength for today" I can claim even though my dream is not yet a reality.  I am not pregnant yet.  My angels are not yet in my arms.  This isn't me saying these things AFTER I've received my heart's desire.  This is me arriving at these conclusions while STILL needing my God to get me through day by day.  But we are waiting with GREAT ANTICIPATION for what He has in store for us.  We can't help but believe that His plans for our lives is beyond marvelous...

Full Disclosure Baby Names

I have another appointment tomorrow morning and tomorrow evening I start taking my birth control in prep for our IVF!  Sheesh!  I keep telling people that we've got a good nearly 8 weeks before we start, but I am WAY off in that!  Our official "start date" is August 9th.  That's the date I start taking my ovarian stimulation shots.  That's 5 weeks from tomorrow!!  So we really are right at the starting gate folks.  In light of how crazy fast this is happening, I thought I would take a minute to put a post out there that's a little lighter and really makes me smile...

So call me crazy, but I LOVE telling people the baby names we've picked out.  I know this opens us up for a lot of criticism or cynicism or whatever, but I LOVE the names we have picked out and why they're special.  We've talked about baby names for years and have only been able to come up with one boy name that we both agree on.  But we've got 3 solid girls names.    Wonder if that's a sign??

So I'm sharing here because...well why not?  You know you wanna know anyway... ;)  But don't be "that person" that steals one of them.  I mean, I guess you could...but I'll still name mine the same thing...then we can be twinkie pies!  Or something... :)  Boo...  Likewise if you hate them...just smile and nod...

Boy Name - Greysen Neil -- Jonathan actually picked out Greysen and the spelling is his idea too.  It's original but not too out there.  And we both love the name Grey, but Grey Womack doesn't have a nice ring to it.  So Greysen Neil Womack it is!  Neil is Jonathan's middle name and it was his great grandfather's middle name too.

Girl Name #1 - Maggie Soutine - Maggie because it has always been my favorite girl's name.  And to top it off, my wedding dress was designed by Maggie Sottero.  So that made the name even more special.  Soutine (pronounced like soo-teen) is the name of the roses that were ALL over our wedding.  Here's what they look like:

Hot pink and white variegated.  Gorgeous right??  And I just love the name.  Kind of has a little "French" ring to it...

Girl Name #2 - Avie Etta - This one is also pretty darn special.  When my grandparents moved to Clanton Alabama, they started going to a church down there where they met and became friends with a couple named Miss Avie and Mr. Jack.  Avie was such a precious little old lady.  Always happy and joyful and seriously cute as a button.  I had never heard the name before, but when I was in high school and early college I filed it away in my "that would be a cute name for a baby girl" archive.  Etta is my grandmother's middle name and it was her mother's first name.  

Girl Name #3 - Lillie Mae - Lillie Mae is Jonathan's paternal grandmother's name.  Right down to the unique spelling.  Lillie has always kind of been our radar because we liked the name, but when it dawned on us that Maggie and Avie both end in "ie" and we remembered his grandmother spelled her Lillie with that "ie", it was a done deal.  And we already know it flows nicely with Womack!  My maternal great grandmother's first name was Lillian too, so the name kind of honors both Jonathan's side of the family and my side of the family.

So there you have it.  We do have a name or two that we *like* kind of hanging out in limbo.   I've always heard, and I've also seen this to be true most of the time, that if you have a hard time coming up with a boy name, you're probably in store for a girl and vice versa.  So with this list, Jonathan might be doomed to a house overflowing with estrogen!  Who knows!!

We have been trying to nail down a second boy name on the off chance that we end up with twin boys, but nothing has really stuck.  We're open to suggestions, so bring em' on!