Each night that I take my tiny little Loestrin pill I am
reminded that we are one step closer to a possible pregnancy. That is both deliriously exciting and also a
bit nerve wracking. I try not to let on
many times that I’m feeling anxious, but there is always that little bit of
anxiety sort of floating below the surface.
I think it’s a good sign that I’m having trouble picturing this road
ending in a negative pregnancy test. That
either means that Baby Womack(s) is really going to be a reality soon or that
God is blinding me to the end so that I’ll keep pressing forward. I sure hope it’s the former!
It was almost exactly 5 years ago that Jonathan and I
decided to start trying for a baby. It
was at my friend Rachel’s wedding where we had the conversation that led us to
decide that starting a family was next in line for us. Nearly 5 years ago we got pregnant with our
one and only miracle pregnancy on our first try! Not long after, we lost our baby, and then a
few months following that tragedy it started becoming apparent that infertility
was to be our future. I went through all
the stages of grief surrounding the loss of our sweet child. And then I went through all of those stages
again as it became a reality that I was going to have to give up my dream of
the perfect conception and pregnancy. It
just wasn’t in the cards for me. And *that* is when the crippling fear set it. I
might *never* be a mom. I might *never* hold my babies in my arms. I was
terrified…
I was afraid that if I gave this one thing to God…really *gave* it to Him…that He would take it away forever.
I lived in fear of His plan. I
lived in fear of His sovereignty over my life.
I could have given you the perfect little “Sunday school answer” if you
had asked me. “Well God has a plan and
we are just trusting Him!” But did I
really believe it? No way! I knew God had a plan, but I didn’t trust
Him. I didn’t trust that His plans were
better than mine. I didn’t trust that if
I let go of my death grip on my dream, He would return it to me 10 fold. Better than how I’d left it…
It wasn’t until a few years later when I was so broken about
the situation that I finally just said, “Ok God. I can’t take this anymore. I feel like an empty shell of myself. I hurt so bad about this that I’m just
numb. So if this isn’t in the cards for
me…if I’m not meant to be a mommy…PLEASE just remove this desire from my
heart. PLEASE! If I go on like this there will be nothing
left in the end…” I gave it to Him. Finally and absolutely. I would say it felt good, but initially it
didn’t. I was still terrified of what
the outcome might be. But I waited for
that desire to lift off my heart. But
you’ll never guess what He did…
All of this was happening in the midst of our move to
Dominica. Around March/April of 2013 I
had come home to be in the wedding of my sweet friend Marivy and during that
time my friend Rachel announced her pregnancy and my sister Amanda gave birth
to her first baby Carolyn. I went back
to Dominica pretty full but also still fully intending to leave my dream behind
if that’s what the plan was. I was just
so tired of feeling defeated. I had
visited my Ob/Gyn and gotten a diagnosis of elevated prolactin for which she
prescribed me Dostinex. I began taking
the medication in hopes that maybe that was my ticket, but I tried not to get
my hopes up too much…
When I returned to
Dominica, so began what I will refer to as my “Mother Hen Year”. From that point until the moment I kissed my
sweet Lincoln’s cheeks for the last time in Puerto Rico in May, there was
rarely a day that went by that I didn’t have a child in my arms, on my lap,
holding my hand. Though the perfect
conception and pregnancy was still not in the cards for me, motherhood most definitely
was. God solidified that for me in the
most real way. He stirred the desire up
in me on a daily basis. He showed me
images of my future. He let me see my
Jonathan loving on children and see them just adoring him. He let me snuggle fussy babies to sleep, put
band-aids on boo-boos, comfort upset little ones, etc. In short He was saying, “No Rachel, this IS
what I want for you. But your dream for
your life pales in comparison to MY dream for your life. And though I hate to see you cry and hurt
over this, I’m just not willing to compromise on my perfect plan for you. I wish you really would just trust me on
this. I have good things coming!”
We had made the decision over cokes at Chik-Fil-A in
December to move forward with IVF. You
know, God really does have a sense of humor.
I am such a planner…I wouldn’t consider myself “spontaneous”. But some of the hugest decisions in my life
and in our lives as a married couple have been made in the most nonchalant of
ways. Jonathan’s decision about medical
school was announced and discussed in bed as we were reading before lights
out. And our decision to answer that
“nudge” about IVF happened when our car wouldn’t start and we had made a quick
trip to a fast food joint for a drink.
From that minute on, we have both felt His real presence. It almost feels like driving down a road
filled with stoplights and all of them turn green for you. There is little to no resistance in this
process. Sure there are bumpy parts of
the road…there is anxiety about the outcome…but we have yet to come across a
legit roadblock. I have to believe that
is by design…
I arrived at a conclusion the other day during a
conversation with my MIL Bernice. The
difference in our demeanor is both the (hopefully) quickly approaching answer
to prayer AND (maybe more so) the way we are approaching life in general. As we move forward in our quest to become
parents, we are not doing so in fear. We
don’t fear His plan or His purpose. Even
though we are keeping in mind the very real possibility that this could end in
failure too, we are not afraid that He might just dangle the carrot and never
see this through to fruition. We are
ANTICIPATING what He will do. We are so
ready to be awed! Frankly, He has
already started knocking us down with His blessings by way of the overwhelming
support we’ve been getting, the amazing doctors we’ve been lead to, and our
reception of that peace that surpasses all understanding. He is lavishing His gifts on us and we are
overwhelmed by His grace!
You see, fear is a tool that the enemy uses against us. Fear drums up all manner of other crippling
states of mind. Fear creates anxiety,
doubt, resentment, envy, jealousy, etc.
It is the spark in the dry tinder that starts the bonfire of defeat in
our hearts and minds. Then that choking
black smoke keeps us from seeing things the way God intends for us to. When that bonfire welled up in me it caused
me to feel hatred for pregnant women, it stifled my joy, it made me calloused
to God. I didn’t want to hear Him
because that black smoke made Him seem like the enemy. He was never the enemy. Au contrair, He was trying desperately to
pull me out of my funk and help me to see where the real enemy was lurking. Like a hungry lion salivating over my
soul. My “Sunday School answer” was that
I was “trusting God”, but in reality I was wrestling with the thought that
maybe He was the reason for my pain.
Maybe He was the one trying to break me down…
But I found Him when there was nothing left of me to offer
Him other than my brokenness. I
came to Him with the pieces of my life and my dreams in shambles. There was nothing left there. No wonder I felt like a sad shell of
myself. I had told Him to “get
out”. I had told Him “I don’t need
you”. I had told Him “what you have
planned isn’t good enough”. I was so
empty. But the minute I said “Ok
God. I’ve messed this up enough. See what you can do with it…”, He gladly and
swiftly gathered all those pieces up. He
wrapped me up in love. And He is putting
those pieces back together one by one as we speak. Though I’ll be honest…the masterpiece He is
creating is much different than I remember it being before it was all in
pieces. It is much brighter, much more
joyful, much more hopeful, worlds more BEAUTIFUL than I could ever have
imagined it. There is peace and light
and rest in His masterpiece. And I have
only seen a small portion of it thus far.
He has so much more to reveal to me!
So in short, I’ve learned to live in anticipation instead of
fear. I’ve learned to walk forward when
maybe I can only see far enough ahead of me to take one more step. I’m trusting that there will be firm ground
under me and a clear path before me. I
mean that. It is not “blind faith”. I see my God and I know that I know that I
know that He is good. And His mercies
are new every day. When He looks at me,
He sees perfection…even though I’ve done just about everything in my power to
injure my image for Him. He has
amazingly wonderful things in store for me both in this life and in the
next. He is GOOD. His plans for me are for GOOD. I just barely “brushed His cloak” and I felt
full again. But it took full brokenness
for me to get there. Praise God that
through all of that He never left me. He
never forsook me. But He never forced
His way in either. He waited patiently
for me to CHOOSE Him. And so far these
verses have been ringing so very true in my ears:
“Ask and it will be given to you. Seek and you shall find. Knock and the door shall be opened to
you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to the one who knocks, the door will be
opened to them.” – Luke 11:9-10
“Be strong and courageous.
Do not be afraid or terrified, for the Lord your God goes with you. He will never leave you or forsake you.” –
Deuteronomy 31:6
“It is in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are
living for. Long before we first heard
of Christ and got our hopes up, He had His eye on us, had designs on us for
glorious living, part of the overall purpose He is working out in everything
and everyone.” – Ephesians 1:11-12
All of these "revelations" and all this "strength for today" I can claim even though my dream is not yet a reality. I am not pregnant yet. My angels are not yet in my arms. This isn't me saying these things AFTER I've received my heart's desire. This is me arriving at these conclusions while STILL needing my God to get me through day by day. But we are waiting with GREAT ANTICIPATION for what He has in store for us. We can't help but believe that His plans for our lives is beyond marvelous...
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