90 Days to Go...

As of today we have 90 days until our first appointment.  Jonathan and I have started our new "regime" of vitamin taking and eating right.  I swear I have had more water in the last 3-4 days than I usually have in like a month!  It takes conscious effort to drink 64 oz of water a day.  It's not just drinking water with a meal.  It's constant!  So part of me definitely hopes that I get the fringe benefit of a few pounds of weight loss with all this water drinking.

I get more and more anxious/nervous/excited the closer we get.  My new patient packet has been filled out for nearly a month now.  OU has my insurance information and has been evaluating my records to be able to tell me what my insurance will and will not cover.  We are doing lots of research to find a place to live in OKC and a couple of cars.  I can't help but think and hope that this home and these cars will be the ones we bring our child or children home in and to.  It's exciting and also nerve wracking...

Jonathan has begun his last week of lectures for his basic sciences in med school this week.  This chapter for us is so quickly coming to a close.  He has an exam on March 24th, a final for Semester 4 on March 31st, and then his COMP (comprehensive final) over everything he has covered in the last 4 semesters on April 25th.  Then he will be committing 100% of his time to studying for his USMLE Step 1 licensing exam which he will take sometime in the week before our first appointment at OU.  We fly out of Dominica on May 27th into Houston where we will be picking up everything out of our storage unit there and hauling it to OKC.

I have gone over and over the calendar.  Trying to plan for contingencies.  Thinking "Ok, *if* they find something unsatisfactory on the laproscopy or hysteroscopy I will need at least a week to recover before they're able to start the process of IVF.".  Or "Maybe if I hit it just right I will be on the optimal day of my cycle to be able to get all the 'testing' procedures done and then just go right into the birth control part of the treatment.  We could have a transfer date by the end of July!"

I've calculated so many possible due dates.  I've even thought about what might happen if we *do* end up with more than one baby.  What if we have twins and I have to deliver at 38 weeks.  Or we have triplets and I deliver at 30 weeks.  What will Jonathan be doing?  What is the best case scenario for him in clinicals?

And so on and so on.  All the while trying to stay upbeat and not let the feelings of doubt seep in.  It's no accident that when I am beginning to feel anxious or nervous or doubtful about all this, I get a sweet note from a friend at the most perfect moment.  For instance, I had a bit of a hard week last week.  Feeling a little defeated in my job, tired of the island drama, and thinking more and more about what could go wrong with this IVF.  And then I woke up this morning to such a sweet note from a dear friend of mine who messaged me in the middle of the night while she was up feeding her newborn to tell me that she prays for me every night in the quiet of those moments with Hollyn.  And I couldn't respond any other way than to tell her that those prayers are definitely felt.  ALL of your prayers are felt!

Just a few short months ago, I was in a rut man.  Every single month that I got a period instead of a positive pregnancy test I was slipping further and further into what can only be described as a depression.  I would cry over dinner.  Cry by myself at home.  I was just sad.  I felt hopeless.  Every time I thought about getting pregnant I would feel panicky because I felt like maybe this would never happen for me.  And I couldn't deal with that possibility...

And then came January.  A new start to a new year.  A new vote of confidence from God that came in so many facets from so many places telling me and Jonathan that it was time for us to take a bold step out.  And so we did.  And we solicited your prayers and your support.  And we found it in an overwhelmingly REAL way...

Now when I think about becoming a parent...becoming a mommy...I don't feel panicky anymore. Yes, my human mind still worries about all those little "contingencies"...all the what ifs.  But right now, I'm thinking about seeing that positive pregnancy test and I don't feel hopeless, I feel empowered.  I feel like, for the first time maybe ever in our endeavor to become parents, that we are finally moving in the right direction in the right timing.  There are still many unknowns.  There is still the very real possibility that even *this* won't work.  But I like to THINK POSITIVE and believe that this is our time.  This will be our year.  We are 2 1/2 months into what promises to be one of the most exciting years of our lives and I'm thrilled and SO ready to get started.  SO ready to move out of limbo.  We are SO ready.

This will be our year...took a long time to come...