I talked with a friend of mine who has walked a LONG and painful road of infertility and failed fertility treatment attempts (if you're the praying type, say a word of prayer for her right now as she is in the process of another IVF treatment right now and I SO hope and pray that this is her miracle!). She and I commiserated about the fact that we have both been guilty of "blaming God". Some of that verbiage has sounded something like, "Well God, if you aren't going to give me a baby, then I'm not gonna go feed those orphans," or, "Ok God, I've had enough of this. Do you just hate me or something?" And so on, and so on. Kind of dealing with God like a playground scapegoat. I'm pissed, this sucks, it's gotta be somebody's fault, eeny-meeny-miney-mo-you're-it and I nail you to the wall for it.
I would say that for the better part of 2013, I was in the "middle of my journey". A quote from Beth Moore from this book says "The middle of any challenging journey can be the most critical point." So true, wouldn't you say! The middle is the point where the journey begins it's end. It's the peak...the turning point. The middle, for me in infertility, was where I felt like "Gosh, this just can't possibly go on any longer. I'm at the end of my rope here." My poor husband had to field so many tears and so much upset from me last Fall and Winter. I tried so hard to not let it effect his medical school, but it got to where I couldn't mask the fact that I was hurting so tangibly at that point. It was physically painful. And it would hit me out of nowhere. I would have a perfectly fine day, sit down for dinner with Jonathan, and just begin crying out of nowhere. I couldn't listen to half my iTunes playlist without breaking down. And I didn't believe that God was going to do what He said He was going to do. I didn't believe Him when He said:
"If you remain in Me and My Words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given to you..."-John 15:7
But a turning point came in December for me. I realized I had sort of been treating God like a "genie in a bottle". I thought for a while that if I said or did just the right things, then maybe that would hit the "magic button" and I'd get pregnant. I was not willing to accept His timing or His plan. Because in my limited little head, I thought that if His timing was not within *my* perimeters, that it would be "too late". Ha! It's funny for me to write that now...how naive was I?? But when I turned off all the noise. When I put out all those flaming darts of doubt from the lake of fire. I heard His still small voice...I saw Him pointing the way. Here's a little story that, for me, was God saying "YES, YES, YES Rachel!!" And Jonathan and I have been full speed ahead ever since:
Jonathan and I decided to run some errands around town one day. It was a brisk Sunday in Oklahoma City and we had taken Jonathan's dad's Mustang out for a spin (and of course a quick stop at Target and Hobby Lobby). Somehow between us parking at Hobby Lobby, shopping for a minute, and returning to the car...the Mustang decided she wasn't going anywhere. We couldn't get the darn thing to crank!! So we called Charlie and Bernice to come out and pick us up...but it was going to be a little while before they could get there. So we strolled across the parking lot to Chik-fil-A to share some nugs and sweet tea. We sat outside in the sun where it was a beautiful 78 degrees and we had a chat (which is our favorite pastime). Of course we stumbled upon the topic of babies and infertility...
I had been praying REALLY intensely that 2013 would be our year to conceive. We had gotten my Prolactin under control and I had been ovulating regularly since June...seemed like all our road blocks had been demolished. But just about a week before this outing it had become clear that 2013 would indeed NOT be our year. I though at the time that I was just numb to it because I wasn't that upset about it. I had certainly been MORE upset at other times. I didn't feel that "finality" feeling that I thought I would. I know now where that peace came from...
I jokingly asked Jonathan how he would feel if we really *did* do IVF and ended up with more than one baby. You see, in the past I would jab him about this because I knew it made him uncomfortable. I knew he was going to say "Well...that'd be fine I guess," when really what he was thinking on the inside was "I want you to be happy Rach, but I'm not sure I really feel all that great about that scenario." His heart wasn't ready yet...God had a few things to do with him first. But that day I jabbed him with that question and he said in a very serious and intense way, "You know what, it wouldn't even matter to me if we ended up with multiples. It's just time for us to have a baby. More than one would be perfectly fine with me." And he said it in all seriousness in his Jonathan way. And it almost felt like chains had melted away from my heart at that point! The conversation morphed into a serious conversation about our IVF options, the OU clinic, and the timing factor. We made a plan...we finally had a plan!!
And that was my turning point. I just had to chill the heck out and listen! And I had to trust the system. Trust God's will, His plan, and His timing. And BELIEVE Him when He said He would give us the desires of our hearts. I don't feel like we are running headlong into a brick wall anymore. I feel like we have renewed strength!
"But those that hope in the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up on wings as eagles. They will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31
Here's to renewed strength, peace, understanding, and hope!