I am literally CHOMPING AT THE BIT at this moment in my life. You know that feeling you get when loose ends are beginning to be tied up in one of life's chapters? Someone made the statement the other day that I've got both feet out the door and I'm just dangling from the door frame at this point. There is a part of me that will always be left here in Dominica. Maybe more specifically with some of the people I have come to know and love here during our experience. But I'm feeling a little like I'm in limbo. It's the worlds most excruciating waiting game!!
It's funny because a few months ago when I thought about these last few months before our first IVF appointment I thought I would be getting nervous and anxious and feeling uneasy about starting the process. But instead it's a different kind of anxiety. I literally CAN'T WAIT to get going with this. I'm trying REALLY hard not to sell out too quickly. Jonathan has 3 more very important tests to pass between now and when we have our appointment. I can't let my anxiety be a barrier to his success. But literally all day long every day I am floating in and out of daydreams and thoughts about this process. I'm just so ready to be a mommy y'all. I'm so ready. I feel like a runner waiting at the starting line...just waiting for that pistol to go off letting me know it's time to run. There is a buzz inside of me that makes me literally want to get up and SPRINT sometimes just to have something to do with this pent up energy and anticipation.
I called the OU clinic this week to ask them some questions about my insurance and about how to go about getting my previous medical records released to them. The girl on the other end of the phone was a little overwhelmed with my very specific questions so she handed the phone to the head nurse who happened to be standing there. She was very gracious in answering my questions but she finally had to say, "Honey, don't worry so much about it. We will figure all of that out when you get here for your first appointment. You're in good hands with Dr. Hansen. He's gonna take good care of you...just relax!" The buzz inside of me must have been translating through the phone loud and clear to her!
My head knows that there are LOTS of things between now and our first appointment. My head also knows that there are lots of unknowns when it comes to our IVF cycle. Heck I even know that despite my desperate longing to be a mommy, this endeavor itself might STILL not get me there. But my heart is already sold, y'all. My heart is already sitting in that waiting room in OKC. My heart is telling me to calculate those due dates, pore over that calendar, pin that baby stuff. My heart is telling me to plan the next year of our lives with the idea of a pregnancy and new baby (or babies) in mind. My heart is 80 days ahead of my head...
For this reason I find myself already retreating here in Dominica. My heart has already left the island. My head says "Rach, come on. Just show up and be sociable." My heart is not interested. I am already miles away man. There are days that I get jolted back into reality and I realize that me leaving this place means saying see ya later to some people that I love dearly. It means kissing those sweet little cheeks of my favorite red head for the last time for a long time (maybe ever...will his 4 year old self still let me scoop him up and give him sugars when I see him in the states in a few months??). It means hugging the necks of some women who, here in Dominica, have literally become my lifeline. My confidants. It means acknowledging the fact that this crazy Caribbean med school ride is over. Those times I find it hard not to feel choked up about leaving...
So I truly don't want to wish these next 7 1/2 weeks away, but I'm having a hard time keeping my feet on the ground. My insides feel like one of those cartoons that's running as fast as they can on a super slick floor and going nowhere. There are things that were important to me 4-5 months ago that just don't matter that much anymore. THIS is everything. Jonathan's USMLE test, our IVF, moving back to the states...that is EVERYTHING right now. Most everything else pales in comparison...
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