At any rate, when I stop and pray in those moments, satan is immediately suppressed and God's voice overpowers everything. He reminds me to take a deep breath and "rest in His embrace". His grace abounds in the deepest waters...where I'm forced to take His hand or I'll drown under all those swells. He's called me, He's called US, to greater things. Jonathan and I. Our faith has been tested. Our willingness to do *anything* for Him has been tested. I hope we've been found faithful so far. I hope when I get to Heaven He'll say "Wow Rach...I threw some tough stuff at you and you fielded it. Well done my daughter...". It's *now* that my trust really does have to be without borders. I have to walk out on the water...right in the middle of the storm...and grab His hand and keep walking. It's the part about letting my soul rest in His embrace that is tough. It's like the minute I go, "Ok, I'm relaxing and letting you handle this," the other side of my psyche starts drumming up all the "what ifs". Y'all...IVF is the WORST thing in the world when it comes to what ifs. There are so many things that could go wrong. There is a HUGE unknown here...
I keep praying for signs...obvious signs...if this is not what He wants from us. I don't want to do this if it's something He's not ordaining. But I'm not getting those signs. Little answered prayers throughout my weeks give me just the confidence I need to take that next step forward. He is so faithful y'all. And He is good. And He loves me like crazy!
A few years ago while I was driving to work, I had a conversation with God. I had woken up that morning and taken a pregnancy test because I was late (which used to be a normal occurrence...). It was of course negative. Ugh. So through a flood of tears I drove to school talking to Him all the way. I said, "God, what are you doing here? What else can I do?? I swear, if you would just grant me this one thing, I promise I'd give you ALL the glory. What do you want me to do?? I'd give up everything...I mean seriously everything (except Jonathan) for this. And I mean that..." Welp...He tested that. I gave up my job, my house, all my comforts, all my stability. WE gave up all those things. We answered a call to medicine which took us across the ocean into a 3rd world country. While we were there He shaped us. He protected us. He provided for us. And now we are back. And the blessings are overflowing. He needed us to sacrifice. Not *so* He would make us parents. No, it's not like that. All this growing...all this learning...was necessary. It was part of our journey. It has been all along. And this is what's next. I feel it in my bones. In the deepest part of me I know He is painting this beautiful picture of our family. How my heart skips a beat each time I think about what He has in store for us...
My babies are almost here. They're ALMOST HERE! Each night when Jonathan gives me my belly shots he kisses the spot and says one of our baby names. Every night until Saturday he would pick one of our 4 names...either Greysen, Maggie, Avie, or Lillie...and say it out loud. Just to help us...maybe more me...to remember why we are doing all of this. Why all those needles are for a greater purpose. Now that I'm taking 3 a day he says nearly all of them. The day before our transfer he will say all 4. Their names are special...each time he says a name I say a quick little prayer for them. I imagine what they might look like. I imagine what it will feel like to hold them in my arms. What it will be like to see their hearts beating on ultrasound. What it will feel like to look into their eyes and say, "I'm your mommy!" I just about can't keep myself from tears when I envision Jonathan holding and loving them. What a great Daddy he's going to be. How he will love his children. And how ready we both are to be parents. It's time...
So we can officially say that NEXT WEEK we will have embabies. I've been thinking about what I might "nickname" our embryos. To just call them embryos seems like not enough. Each of them will be uniquely their own little tiny person. But we won't know enough about them yet to call them by our baby names. Still mulling that over. I get an adrenaline rush when I think that in just over a week (or maybe less) we will heading to the hospital to do my egg retrieval. Crazy. I can't thank you all enough for your prayers and your well wishes. Your little encouraging words really do mean the world to us. They mean more than you know and more than we can express. I don't expect every single person we know to hang so close to this...it's tough! It's tough to know what to say, how to respond. I know. But to you who are still in our midst cheering us on, encouraging us, remembering us in prayer...THANK YOU. It's because of you that we are being given the courage to press forward in this.
It's almost time!
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