Clarity

I had a sweet friend tell me a few weeks ago that she admires my "clarity of mind" when it comes to dealing with this IVF situation.  I've had several others tell me that they feel like I'm going into this with my eyes wide open...ready for any outcome, good or bad.  I think years of dealing with infertility have afforded me those positive outcomes for this part of our journey.  So many failed attempts at fertility treatments have taught me not to lose sight of the fact that a negative pregnancy test is a definite possibility in all of this.  I'm trying not to get caught up in the deliriously heady image in my mind that one month from TODAY I could see two pink lines for the first time in 5 years!  

But yes...through the fog of excitement and anticipation, I am keeping both feet firmly planted on the ground.  Though we will be devastated if this doesn't work this time, we will not be back at square one.  What I keep telling people is that at the end of all of this, we will either have a legitimate pregnancy or at least options.  Neither of which have we ever had in all of these years.  And *that* fact brings in that peace that passes all understanding.  God is creating something here.  We hope, hope, hope that He's creating an opportunity for us to be parents.  But we KNOW that no matter what, He's creating life.  He's guiding our doctors' and embryologists' hands as we speak.  And in a short 16 days or less, He will be breathing life into our little embabies.  

I told a friend this morning that I get an adrenaline rush every time I think about getting those calls from Connie telling us how our embryos are growing.  Y'all seriously...I get teary eyed just thinking about it!  For a woman like me who has never experienced 40 weeks of a pregnancy...a woman who has never gazed into the eyes of my newborn...just the idea of multiplying LIVING cells created from  my cells and Jonathan's cells is ridiculously awesome.  It'll be the closest I've been since the loss of our one miracle pregnancy to being a mommy for real.  And if you're one of those people who thinks "science has taken the Divinity out of creating life"...shame on you.  We could have the world's most qualified doctors and embryologists...but it still takes GOD to create life.  And that's what will be happening behind the doors of the OU Repro Lab here in a few days.  

It dawned on me the other day as Jonathan and I were filling out and signing our "consent forms" that we are already having to make parenting decisions.  We have to inform the clinic about our intentions for our embryos in all of these possible life scenarios.  For the record, we have decided that if we come to the end of our parenting journey satisfied with our outcome and we *still* have embryos frozen (or if something were to happen to me and Jonathan), they will be being donated (or adopted out) to other couples in need.  The idea of us going through what we've been through to become parents and *still* being able to pay it forward and bless someone else's life in this way is very humbling.  And it makes my heart oh so very happy to think I could do that for someone else in all of this.  Again...His power made perfect in my weakness!

So off we go!  We have an appointment Wednesday and from what I hear from some of my "IVF veterans", those 10 days of stim drugs before the retrieval FLY by.  We are officially in the 4 weeks of this year that we've been anticipating since January.  Jonathan takes his USMLE Step 1 on Sunday, we start stim injections on the Saturday before that, and in 16 days we will be the parents of embryos if all goes well.  Keep your prayers coming.  They are definitely felt and appreciated!  We can't wait to see what the month of August is going to bring!