Thursday, August 28, 2014

Peace in the Waiting

Ugh!!!  Honestly, I'd take a million more shots in my belly if I could bypass this waiting part.  This is the worst y'all!  I am a bit of a hypochondriac by nature anyhow, so knowing I've got embryos in my belly makes me hyper aware of every twitch, cramp, pull, tug, and sensation going on in my body right now.  It's a tough place to be.  It's tough not to know.  I've never been pregnant before.  Not legitimately.  I have no idea what it's *supposed* to feel like to have a pregnancy implanted in the right place in my body.  Should I feel my uterus getting bigger?  Should my lower back hurt?  Should I have to pee all the time?  Should I be nauseated??  I'm not really feeling any of those, so does that mean I'm not pregnant???

Bottom line is that if I *am* pregnant, I'm no more than 5 days pregnant.  What woman experiences "early pregnancy signs" at 5 DAYS pregnant??  Maybe I'm experiencing something right now that with with my second pregnancy I'll recognize as a true "pregnancy symptom".  In the meantime, I feel fine.  Normal, even.  Which is saying a lot considering what my body has been through these last 8 weeks.  I even feel what I would consider "comfortable".  I don't have cramping, though the first day or so after transfer I had a little.  I'm chalking that up to residual hCG lingering from my trigger shot.  That is, after all, a giant dose of pregnancy hormones injected right into my lower belly.  It's supposed to linger a while.  It was probably that AND the fact that my body had very recently been through a surgery for crying out loud, and was also probably mellowing out after the transfer procedure.  And with these progesterone shots I feel extra every couple of hours a nap sounds like the perfect plan.  So really, any "symptoms" I'm having can be contributed to the hormones coursing through my body...either newly introduced or lingering from our treatment cycle...and/or my body recovering from the retrieval/transfer procedure...

On Tuesday we got the call from OU about our remaining 5 embryos.  We were supposed to get an update on their progress and they were supposed to tell us how many were being frozen.  Here's how the call went down:

(an MA in the clinic who I will not name): "Hi Rachel!  Just wanted to let you know that none of your embryos are being frozen.  Ok?"

(all chipper...her voice not at all matching the gravity of what she is saying)

Me: "Uh...ummm...ok...  Does that mean ALL of them are just done, or will you be reassessing tomorrow?  Or is that just it?"

(MA): "Ummm...hold on."

She puts me on hold, then comes back to the phone a few seconds later...

(MA): "Oops!  One of your embryos will be frozen.  Ok?"

Again...all chipper.  I was shell shocked and about to burst into tears so I said "Ok" and hung up.  Jonathan was on the phone with someone else at the time, so I tried to hold it in for a while.  Then I just lost it.  He panicked and hung up with the person he was talking to.  I could barely choke out what information I had been given.  So he called the clinic back and asked to talk with Connie.  Oh thank the Lord for that woman!  She gave us so much more information, apologized profusely, and gave me a HUGE peace of mind.  Generally speaking here's what we got from her:

-4 of our remaining 5 just weren't growing strong enough for them to feel confident they would survive the freezing, thawing, AND transferring process
-the 1 little fighter is a FABULOUS embryo!
-he's a 5AB which means he's pretty darn near perfect
-he's one stage away from hatching and one letter away from literal perfection
-the two little ones we transferred Saturday were an 8 cell and a 10 cell
-the 10 cell is a little overachiever!

That's pretty much the gist of it.  Connie said she's hoping and praying that we don't need to use our little snow baby for several years.  Of course we're hoping the same thing!  I was really sad about our other 4 embryos not making it.  I wasn't surprised about our one little runt, but the other 3 really caught me off guard.  But when I'd finally regained my composure (with lots of kisses and pep talks from Jonathan), I was led to this verse:

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  For I do not give as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." -John 14:27

It's that' "I do not give as the world gives" that He really wanted me to hear.  The world gives and takes in excess.  We find a pair of jeans we like, we buy 3 pair.  Our kids want a Frozen dress, we buy them a top of the line $200 get up.  There are 30 presents on the birthday gift table.  Etc., etc.  God doesn't give that way.  He gives lavishly, yes.  We've experienced that fully in these past few months. But He gives LOVE.  Not "stuff".  And He didn't need all 7 embryos to make our family.  He created what He intended to create.  Sent here to earth what He intended.  And he gathered the others to Himself.  One sweet day Jonathan and I will wrap our arms around all 5 of our sweet lost little ones.  But for now, He wants us to live in the present.  Not dwell on the past or fret over the future.  He wants us to live for TODAY.  And today...I have 2 angels in my tummy and 1 angel safe and secure at OU.  Today, I feel good.  Today I am not worried that my body or my God might forsake me.  Today, I'm content.  I'm right where He needs and wants me to be...

Next week will be a big week for us Womacks.  A life changing week no matter what.  We will take our Beta test on Thursday, Jonathan will get his test scores back at the end of the week, we will make a housing decision for Miami, and we will be in our last full week here in OKC before we start the next chapter.  A big week indeed!  So say some prayers for peace and calm.  Of course keep our little angels in your thoughts and prayers too.  Jonathan and I both tell them multiple times a day that they are SO dearly loved by us and by all of you!  We tell them to hang on for dear life and to grow big and strong.  We tell them we can't wait to meet them!  We will be keeping the results of our beta to ourselves for a little while.  We'll be relishing in the newness of it at first or wading through the sadness of a negative.  Either way, keep praying for us.  Soon and very soon!

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