Prince of Peace: Commander of my Quiet

And yet another year passes.  Time and life are so funny, aren't they?  I can't believe it is already time for me to write my annual Christmas Eve post again.  As is true at the end of every year, I can say that 2018 has come with many surprises, overwhelming blessings, challenges, lessons, and growth.  Even at 34 years old, the Lord still continually teaches me things.  He is faithful to illuminate the truth about Himself as well as the truth about who *I* am in Him...

I usually begin around Thanksgiving thinking about how I will wrap up the year in my Christmas Eve post, and this year was no different.  I began mulling over the year and thinking about what next year will bring.  I considered the two beautiful lives growing in my belly, the handsome little 3 year old who never ceases to make my heart soar, my faithful, nurturing, and protective husband, our family, our church, our friends.  So many things to be thankful and grateful for.  I also considered the ways this year has challenged us.  A year spent without my sweet Mimol in it, the loss of sweet friends and our faithful pup Matilda, the overwhelming heartache of infertility, the marathon challenge of IVF, the work I've done in counseling, the ever present (yet quickly coming to an end in 2019) "loose ends" of medical school, financial challenges, and the inevitable growing pains of "adulting" and parenthood.  Through the final weeks of this year...even while considering all of those things...the Lord has continually given me a word to live by.  He keeps putting it on my heart, in the mouths of those around me, illuminating it in His Word...

That word is PEACE...

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid..." John 14:27

"For to us a child is born, unto us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders.  And He will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace..." Isaiah 9:6

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart!  I have overcome the world..." John 16:33

"The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace..." Romans 8:6

"If it is possible, so far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone..." Romans 12:18

"So then let us do all we can to live in peace and let us work hard to build each other up..." Romans 14:19

Over, and over, and over again...even while these final 5-6 weeks of 2018 have been challenging in so many ways...God has reiterated PEACE.  He has directed me to pursue it...literally RUN AFTER IT.  It is so easy, especially in the world we live in, to get wrapped up in the turmoil of life.  It's easy to let things like stress and grief and anger and uncertainty rule your mind.  It's easy to let your emotions lead your actions and reactions and forget the deep seated and everlasting Wellspring of Peace that exists in all who know Him.  Even in the midst of confusion and uncertainty...HIS PEACE IS CONSTANT.  Even when the world slaps us in the face with things less than desirable...HIS PEACE IS CONSTANT. Even when it feels like everything is falling apart...HIS PEACE IS CONSTANT...

Prince of Peace.  In my world right now, that name for Jesus translates to the Commander of my Quiet.  My safe place.  The person of Jesus Christ, who is alive and well in my life, commands the quiet of my soul, of my mind, of my heart.  He oversees it.  He directs it.  And his entrance into this world as a baby depicts that about His nature...

He didn't come as a ruling, reigning king draped in expensive robes and sitting on a gold encrusted throne.  He didn't come and force everyone to bow to Him.  He came as a helpless baby.  Born to a young mother, a peace seeking father, in a crude stable, without any special treatment.  Why??  He certainly had the power to have incarnated Himself however he chose.  Why did he choose this mode of arrival?  What did He hope to communicate through His birth?

My answer to that question today is that I believe He wanted his entrance to this world to echo PEACE.  To echo QUIET.  To echo SIMPLICITY.  To echo RELATIONSHIP.  To echo STRENGTH IN VULNERABILITY.  "I do not give as the world gives..."  What does this say about his birth?  That He wanted us to SEEK Him.  He wasn't going to come even as Israel was expecting Him to.  He wanted us to pursue His Peace, His Quiet, His Simplicity, a Relationship with Him, and His Strength even in His Vulnerability as a newborn baby.  He provides it as a perfect gift we do not need to earn...however we MUST SEEK IT OUT.  The easy thing to do is to live in AND of this world.  To be ruled by our "flesh".  The hard thing to do...the challenge of our faith...is the pursuit of the Spirit in a world that has forgotten who He is.  Where some don't even recognize that He's walked this earth and already conquered all the darkness within it.  In a world where His final victory is downplayed...mocked even.  It is EASY to operate as though He did not "leave His peace with us".  But what a treasure when we can actively seek and find that Wellspring of Peace...that Daystar...that Ever Present Help in Times of Trouble...

He is faithful.  He is constant.  He doesn't change with the ebb and flow of our circumstances.  He doesn't operate on our plane (thank God!).  He is above all things, beyond all things..BETTER THAN ALL THINGS!  And through His birth, life, death, and resurrection, He has made Himself AVAILABLE to us always.  Reachable.  Relatable.  He knows MY name.  He knows who *I* am.  And He loves me ALWAYS.  Even (and maybe especially) when I don't feel all that lovable.  I am priceless.  Even (and maybe especially) when other people communicate that I'm disposable.  I am royalty.  Even (and maybe especially) when I think I'm not worth the dirt I walk on.  Because I am the daughter of a KING...

A King who came to this earth as a baby, walked this earth as a blameless man, hung on a cross for the sins of this world, and rose again in PERFECTION...all because I MATTERED TO HIM.  *You* mattered to Him too!  You are important, loved, priceless, and worthy of love and sacrifice!

This Christmas, I pray you will PURSUE His Perfect Peace.  Allow Him to Command your Quiet.  Let Him guide you into this New Year with a renewed since of your own worth to Him...

He came as a baby, but He will return as our Conquering King.  Let Him be that Conquering King in your heart, mind, and soul NOW!  Merry Christmas my friends.  JESUS is the reason for the season!

What I Will Teach My Boys...

I hate politics on social media.  Scratch that...I just hate politics in general.  I hate how tragic things in this country happen and immediately the media draws a line in the sand for us to get on one side or the other of an issue.  Are you a Kavanaugh supporter or a Blasey-Ford supporter?  Are you an anti-semetic gun wielding hate-filled Republican or are you a snowflake bleeding heart idiot Democrat?  Are you a racist?  Are you a feminist?  Are you...fill in the blanks...

These things disturb me as a human being trying to navigate this world, but as a Mommy, they disturb me even more.  I am literally scared of what our world is going to look like in a few years when my boys are all in school.  When they're trying to navigate the confusing waters of puberty and budding sexuality and social issues.  When they're trying to find their own identity.  Childhood is hard, but I firmly believe childhood is HARDER for kids these days and it seems it will only get harder for the generations to come.  I worry about the safety of my children at school.  I worry about their delicate psyches in a world that forces them to "identify" themselves as solidly one thing or the other before their little brains are even capable of making long term, life altering/determining decisions like that.  So I'm left pondering how in the world will I protect my sons from getting battered by life without putting them in a bubble and never letting them out of my sight?

First and foremost, Jonathan and I have made the solid and unwavering decision to raise our children in the church.  We grew up in the church ourselves and we have also spent time as a couple and as a young family NOT in a church while we were navigating medical school and clinicals.  A little more than 3 years ago we decided to firmly plant ourselves back in the church again because we knew our baby needed it.  WE needed it!  Our lives look so different now that Christ is solidly at the center again. It warms my heart to hear Greysen saying things like "Mommy Jesus loves me!" and asking questions like "Mommy why did God put babies in your tummy?"  I want his identity FIRST to be rooted in Christ.  I want him to know the truth about who *God* says he is.  I want him to learn to decipher lies from the truth and I want him to know he is loved ALWAYS.  Even beyond the love that Jonathan and I unconditionally supply for him.  I want Greysen and Deacon and Dakota to know that they are valuable and special and IMPORTANT.  I would like to think that if they gain enough of a foundation in those facts, the world won't be able to persuade them otherwise.  But I really do know better.  I know this world is like a hungry lion just waiting to pounce on any insecurity they may have.  Waiting to ridicule any thought they may have that goes outside of the norm...beyond the "hive's" ideology.  But I hope that being surrounded by people who love them and who speak truth and love into their lives will create a "soft landing" for them...

Secondly, Jonathan and I will create that soft landing place here in our home so that our boys will know that whatever risks they take in life, however they choose to tackle life circumstances, there will ALWAYS be a welcoming and non-judgemental place for them to come back to...pass or fail!  I heard something said a few months after Greysen was born by a fellow med student who is much younger than me and Jonathan that has impacted the way I think about parenting.  She said, "My parents always encouraged us to be go-getters.  They always gave us the big thumbs up to pursue the hard stuff.  And I was never afraid to try the difficult challenges because I knew always that no matter what happened, they would be my soft place to land."  Jonathan and I want our boys to feel confident in who they are and to know that no matter their success rate, we will always accept and love them no matter their performance outcome.  They will never have to "earn" our approval.  That's something society dictates...we want our home to be different...

Thirdly, I am a mom of boys.  Three boys...very soon!  Today's society over-sexualizes women...objectifies them.  We whine and complain about sexual assault and sexual harassment, but yet our country keeps things like strip clubs, Hooters, and Twin Peaks in business with women who willingly subject themselves to savage, inappropriate men simply because they can earn a buck that way.  And men in our society cry big old crocodile tears when they get called on the table about their bad behavior.  Women objectify men too.  My own husband has been victim a of a persistently sexually aggressive woman who knew he was married and viewed that as a challenge to overcome.  She spoke to him and exploited herself in the world's most disgusting manner just to try desperately and unapologetically (and thankfully unsuccessfully) to turn his head.  So my perspective on sexual harassment and this idea that men are these savage beasts who can't keep their hands to themselves really rings my bell.  Because it's not true.  The door swings both ways.  So what will I teach my boys?  Women are strong AND vulnerable all at the same time.  They are delicate and a force to be reckoned with simultaneously.  They are not a conquest.  They are not a social or sexual experiment.  They are special and beautiful and their vulnerabilities are to be celebrated AND protected. 

I will teach my boys that loving a woman starts first in your heart.  Love for a woman starts first with loving who she is.  Not what she's wearing or her body style.  Love for a woman and intrigue about her should first be about what she conceals rather than what she reveals.  Women who strut around wearing next to nothing who parade their sexuality and their bodies around as "things to be sought after"...those may not be the women to pursue.  A woman's mind...her heart...those are the things to be attracted to.  I will teach them to respect ALL women.  I will also teach them to respect THEMSELVES enough to literally RUN from women who are exploitative and looking to take advantage of them.  I will teach them NEVER to be the savage men who can't keep their hands to themselves.  Jonathan and I will teach them what a loving and supportive marriage looks like.  We will SHOW them what a woman's respect for a man and a man's respect for a woman look like and how they compliment each other.  We will teach them that a marriage is a relationship between two DIFFERENT people who support and love each other EQUALLY.  Really any healthy relationship can be described like that.  I want our boys to know how to successfully form real relationships with people that don't leave them feeling less important than they are...

So no big deal right?  Just parenting three boys in a society that is confusing and scary.  But man...my life's work as a mother will be to instill these things and SO many more into my boys.  Constantly and for the rest of my life.  Even when they have families of their own!  The picture I have in my head of the future of our family is our boys in loving, committed relationships with people who we love and who love our family.  I want our home to always be warm and accepting and full of joy.  I want there to be no question about our faith and the God we serve.  Even though life will inevitably continue to be difficult...hurt and loss are not things we are immune to...I want my children to know that there is a constant both in our Heavenly Father and in the home that Jonathan and I have built...

What's in a Name?

We found out yesterday that the two little snugglers in my belly are both BOYS!!  I was shocked...I could have SWORN at least one of them was a girl...but I am THRILLED to death!  I really wanted them to be same sex twins, so I got my wish.  They are already SO unique!  Their profiles look totally different.  Deacon Paul looks like a carbon copy of Greysen.  Dakota Mitchell looks more like Jonathan in his profile.  Deacon is super wiggly and a bit of an exhibitionist ;), and Dakota is more subdued and likes to find the perfect snuggle spot and stay put.  Deacon is the smaller of the two by about a centimeter, and Dakota likes to stretch out his whole body when he reclines.  Two precious boys with two different body styles and two different personalities!

We chose their names separately.  Deacon Paul has been in our name arsenal since just after Greysen was born.  Dakota Mitchell we chose just a few months ago when we decided we definitely needed two boy names on deck in case they were both boys.  Glad we did!  So how did we come up with Deacon Paul and Dakota Mitchell?  They each have special stories:

Dakota Mitchell has a fun story.  We have had the hardest time arriving at boy names that we like.  We've kicked around SO many names for a LONG time, but every time we arrive at the "right" one, it's always an immediately unanimous decision.  So we knew we wanted to use Mitchell as the middle name for our third boy name.  Our "tradition" is to give our kids middle names with family ties.  Greysen's middle name is Neil which is Jonathan's middle name, and Jonathan's great grandfather's middle name.  The name Mitchell is my sweet Mimol's maiden name.  So we knew we had to use that one!  Dakota was a name that was nowhere on our radar.  But when we needed another boy name on deck, we decided to take some inspiration from aviation.  My dad is a single engine pilot and the plane he flies is a Piper Saratoga.  So we decided to cull through the names of Piper aircrafts to see if any of them, past or present, would be a cool baby name.  We obviously didn't get far.  When we scrolled through the D's and saw Dakota, that was a done deal.  Dakota Mitchell Womack.  Pure perfection...

Deacon has been a name we've liked for a long time.  Once Greysen was here, we both said "If we ever have another little boy that looks anything like Greysen, he could totally be a Deacon."  Both of our dads and all of our grandfathers were/are deacons in the church,  and Jonathan will be officially ordained as a deacon this fall!  So we felt like Deacon was a beautiful little tribute to the men in our lives and the men our Deacon will look up to!  Such a special heritage.  Paul is my father's middle name and his father's middle name.  We've known for a while that we wanted to use Paul somewhere in our name mix.  We felt like Paul was the perfect compliment to Deacon. Carrying on that beautiful patriarchal heritage with a name that gives a nod to so many generations of men in our lives! 

These little boys are SO loved already.  There is LOTS to do to prepare for their arrival, but I can't help but start dreaming of snuggling them and watching them grow up and seeing Greysen be their big brother.  He's SO excited about his brothers!  Our cups and our hearts run over with gratitude.  How in the world did we get so lucky???  THREE handsome boys.  I'm a boy mom though and through and I am thrilled to death to have that title...

Embrace the Chaos!

This week I've already begun feeling movement from our little miracles!  This being my second pregnancy, I now know what those first little baby flutters feel like.  But with two angels swimming around in there, their movements have been unmistakeable WAY earlier than I thought they would be.  They are no more than about an inch and a half from the top of their head to their bottoms right now (sooooo teeny!), but when I feel them move I'm reminded quickly that there are definitely TWO in there.  It's as though Baby A does some wiggling, and then Baby B wakes up and kicks back! 😂 I can feel their movements in two very different places in my lower belly...unmistakably two different babies!

The reality of the fact that they are truly two different people is slowly beginning to settle into my mind.  I panicked a little at our first ultrasound when Baby A had a heart rate of 142 and was measuring right on target, and Baby B had a heart rate of 137 and was measuring about 2 days behind.  I worried about that constantly until I saw them at 9 weeks and realized that they are two different people completely!  They won't measure the exact same, their heart rates will be different...they have different hearts!  And at 9 weeks, Baby A was wiggling up a storm...such a sassafras!  Baby B gave us a little movement and a good shot at that beautiful strong beating heart, and then rolled over away from the scan...almost as if to say "Look y'all...I'm here, I'm good, but this other baby has been kicking me all morning and I need a nap..."  Ha!  They are their own little people...unique personalities!

It's such a trip to have these little realizations through this pregnancy.  I'm certain realities like this will continue rolling in throughout the next 24-25 weeks that I'm carrying them...they'll likely continue indefinitely!  After I had Greysen I had begun making my "when I do this again I'm going to..." list.  SO funny how God has been like "Oh Rachel...you had no idea what I was doing then, and you can't predict it now!"  He's got such a sense of humor!  Everything about this pregnancy and these babies is unpredictable...totally unprecedented for me and for us.  A friend of mine who is a mommy of 1 year old twins herself told me this week, "The best wisdom I can give you about twins is just to roll with it.  Embrace the chaos!"  I'd say the last 12 years of our lives has fairly well prepared us to embrace chaos!!  We've been given (or will be given) all the tools we need to handle the crazy chaos that is bringing two DIFFERENT people into the world at the same exact time.  I can't wait to watch these two little ones grow and become even more unique and special...

Lavish Love...

Many of you know that Wednesday of this week we got the most incredible news in the world...we are expecting TWINS!!!  As a little girl I dreamed about how cool it would be to have twins one day.  I even envied the girls in my home-ec class in middle school who drew "twins" for our "2-liter bottle baby project".  The concept has always enchanted me.  Getting that positive pregnancy test after a year and a half of infertility and a devastating miscarriage last year was dizzying.  But then Wednesday, when Dr. Hansen scanned over and I saw those two little gestational sacs for the first time...I lost it completely.  I cried like a baby!  TWO little lives, TWO beautiful little heartbeats, TWO Womack babies growing, growing, growing in my belly!

Laying on the table on the day of the embryo transfer a month ago, there was SO much anxiety about whether transferring two was the right thing to do.  We had beautifully perfect embryos that both had a REALLY great chance of continuing into a successful pregnancy.  That was reassuring enough to possibly be convinced to transfer only one of them.  But then the reality that we transferred 2 embryos with Greysen and ended up with a singleton pregnancy threw a wrench in that decision.  I wouldn't change a thing about the process with Greysen.  However, I couldn't shake the idea that I might regret transferring only one if it didn't end in a pregnancy.  My doctor agreed that we needed to make the decision we felt the most peace about.  And even though transferring both of these little magic beans meant that we had a 56% chance (or higher) that they would result in a twin pregnancy, we felt peaceful about our decision...

And now seeing the two of them snuggled up next to each other in my womb...their two little hearts beating nearly in unison...I KNOW we made the right choice!  I know these two angels were supposed to stay together.  I know they were destined to be each other's "womb-mates".  While we definitely don't have any idea how tough two newborns are going to be when they get here, we know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are ready for this challenge in our lives!

You should know, also, that the timing of this pregnancy is uncanny.  A little more than a year ago was the last time I got to see my sweet Mimol on this side of Heaven.  On that same day that I had to leave, I also got to tell her that we were pregnant!  She was beside herself excited about that!  She asked me (still fearing the inevitable) "Rachel...am I ever going to get to hold this baby?"  I told her (trying to ease some of her anxiety) "Of course Mimol!"  I didn't know then how true that statement was.  We lost my grandmother less than a week later, and then 2 weeks after that we lost our baby.  On ultrasound, we saw no heartbeat and it was clear our sweet baby had passed about 2-3 weeks before that scan.  She left us at almost the exact moment that Mimol left us...

But would you believe that Wednesday was the anniversary of my Mimol's passing? A day that could have been filled with overwhelming sadness was filled with the overwhelming JOY of these beautiful TWINS thriving and living and growing.  Would you also believe that the official due date of these babies is April 9th?  That's the exact due date of our sweet Soutine that we lost last year.  God didn't just deliver, He LAVISHLY poured His love and redemption over all of us...He still is.  He is just showing off at this point!  Reminding us, through those two beautiful strong 7 week old heartbeats, that He is still in the business of miracles.  Reminding us that He doesn't just "give"...He LAVISHLY GIVES.  He can do immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine.  Our twins are a PRIME example of the dizzying over the top love that our GREAT GOD pours out on us...

To our sweet miracle TWINS...I said it weeks ago and I'll say it again...the best is yet to come my loves!!

A Little Embryonic Education

So here we are...48 hours into our fertilization process!  I should be hearing from our nurse here in a few hours.  She will tell me how many of our FOURTEEN embryos are continuing to grow and mature, what their "grades" are, and when our transfer will be scheduled.  As we have been going through this process, I've been so honored to offer a little education on this process.  SO many people have no idea what IVF entails, so I'm happy to be the sounding board and offer a little insight.  As our egg retrieval and subsequent fertilized embryos have become a reality, I've had LOTS of questions about what it all means.  So I thought I would do a quick Q&A with y'all to give you a little more information and help you understand what all of this crazy IVF talk means:

So they retrieved 20 eggs??  Does that mean you'll have 20 babies??

Ha!  Definitely not.  To give you some perspective, when we did this process with Greysen they retrieved 11 eggs.  Of those 11, 9 were fully mature.  Of the 9 fully mature eggs, 7 were successfully fertilized.  Of the 7 successfully fertilized, 3 were viable embryos.  1 of those embryos was a strongly graded one (I'll talk about the grading here shortly), and the other two were "marginal".  We transferred 2 embryos, and ended up with our sweet baby Greysen! We froze the remaining embryo.  So this time, we had a shocking 20 eggs retrieved, and 15 of those 20 were fully mature.  Of the 15 fully mature, 14 of them fertilized successfully (which is a CRAZY amazing result!).  Today I will find out how many we have that are viable, but more than likely we are probably looking at around half of the fertilized eggs will go on to be "gradeable" viable embryos...

Why didn't you use your frozen embryo?

The technology has changed SO much in the last 4 years since we did this and got pregnant with Greysen.  4 years ago, the freezing technology wasn't what it is today.  So our little embryo was a marginal embryo (B/B-, 3/5) and it was frozen with old technology.  Our doctor agreed that our best chance for success was with a fresh transfer.  Eventually, that little frozen embryo WILL be transferred if it survives the thawing process, but for now, at my age, it made more sense to go ahead with another fresh transfer for the best chances of success...

Are you going to have multiples??  Quadruplets??

The chances of a multiple pregnancy *are* higher with an IVF pregnancy than with a natural pregnancy.  However, my doctor and the practice at OU is VERY ethical and they rarely transfer more than 2 embryos at a time unless there is documentable reason to.  Dr. Hansen is an incredibly ethical doctor, so you will never hear of an "octomom" coming from his practice.  As a matter of fact, I think there are less than 10 total women who have gone on to have 3 or more babies at a time at the OU practice...ever.  The only way I would end up with 4 babies at once would be if each of my 2 embryos split into two sets of identical twins.  That is VERY unlikely. The chance of twins in a natural pregnancy is about 3%.  With an IVF pregnancy it's about 32%.  So...much higher, but still not more likely than a singleton pregnancy.  In all likelihood, we will end up with a single baby even if we transfer 2 embryos...

What do they mean by a "non-viable" embryo?

This is an answer I have been DYING to give.  Coming from the perspective of a woman who has suffered 2 miscarriages and had YEARS of trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant, I think SO many people don't understand what the process of "getting pregnant" entails.  Did you know that in any given cycle, it's possible for your released egg to fertilize and still not result in a pregnancy?  You might never know you had a fertilized egg because you'd go on to have a normal period.  A home pregnancy test is only going to show up positive once the egg has implanted and hCG is present in your system.  So no, not every fertilized egg goes on to become a viable embryo.  Sometimes they fertilize and then they stop growing.  That is a normal, natural process both in IVF AND in natural cycles.  Don't panic...

What do you mean by "embryo grading"?

Each embryo is graded on it's propensity for continued growth and it's uniformity (which is a way to evaluate its viability).  Embryos are transferred on either day 3 or day 5 after fertilization.  So check out this picture of our two embryos that we transferred last time:

You can see, somewhat, that there are small divisions within each of the eggs.  The more uniform the divisions, the stronger the embryo is graded.  Can you tell which of these two is graded higher?  The top one is the A/A-, 4/5 embryo, and the bottom is the B/B-, 3/5 embryo.  The top one is more uniform and symmetrical.  It had the highest propensity for continued growth, and more than likely was the embryo that resulted in our Greysen!  Did you know that embryos actually hatch??  They do!  You can clearly see the shells on these two embryos.  On day 5-6 they actually hatch and that's when they burrow into the uterine wall and become a true pregnancy.  A perfect embryo is an A+/A+, 5/5.  There are hardly ever embryos graded that high.  Most viable embryos have at least one A in the letter grade, and at least a 4/5 on the number grade.

What happens to the ones that are graded poorly?  

They watch our little embabies like a hawk, so they do not discard any embryo that has even the tiniest chance of continuing on into a normal pregnancy.  They don't make final decisions on viability until A) the embryo actually stops growing, or 2) after 7-8 days of growing they aren't dividing and maturing normally or have considerably slowed down.  These embryologists know what they're doing!  They take a whole lot of pride in cultivating normal, viable embryos.  They are emotionally invested in their success!  They take it hard when seemingly normal embryos don't continue growing.  While there is LOTS of science to this, these scientists are invested in this process and they want to see these little embabies succeed as much as we do...

What if you decide not to use all your embryos?  Where do they go?

We have to fill out paperwork before we even start this process that is like 20+ pages of consents.  Right now today, we are saying that however many viable embryos we have, we will be transferring at some point.  Of course, life happens and that could change.  In the event that we come to the end of our child bearing time and we still have frozen embryos, we have decided to adopt them out to couples who need them.  I don't anticipate that will be our end result, however we have thought and prayed a lot about that scenario and that is where we feel the most peace.  Of course, there are a lot of factors involved in that decision.  We do not take lightly at ALL that these little embryos are little lives.  They are not "discardable" to us.  They are OURS!  So trust that we will never make rash decisions about the lives of our embryos...

And as an end note, don't believe everything you read on the internet about IVF or fertility treatments.  While there *are* women out there who seek out doctors who will "pump them full of babies" because they want the publicity, that's not the majority of us.  Dr. Hansen, as I said before, is an incredibly ethical man.  He would never knowingly put me and my children at risk.  He has my best interest at heart and he has the lives of my future babies in the forefront of his mind.  Me and my babies are his top priority.  He is not interested in the fame!  Our end goal here is healthy babies and humane treatment of them from the absolute outset.  I know for a fact that OU has that same goal in mind.  That's why we are their patients!

In conclusion, if you have questions...PLEASE ASK!  I would rather you ask a seemingly "awkward" question rather than assume something incorrect or just go on not understanding.  I don't mind answering questions at all!  I hope some of these answers clear up at least some of your confusion if you had any...

To My Littlest Little Ones...

My Sweet Little Embabies,

Tonight I lay my head down for the last time before you exist in this world.  Tomorrow...everything changes, my loves. Tomorrow, life will be breathed into you.  I have watched my body grow and change this week creating vital parts of YOU.  We have counted eggs and measured follicles for 9 days now...knowing that ultimately, those eggs and follicles could potentially contain 50% of one of YOU!

We are SO extremely excited to hear of your growth.  How I wish I could see you grow and change minute by minute!  For now, though, I will trust your care and your progress to the expert embryologists.  The guys in the lab who know exactly what they're doing.  I know they will take excellent care of you until you and I can connect and the responsibility of guarding your life and caring for your little growing self can be my responsibility.  How I LONG for that responsibility!  How we have prayed for you, our sweet little miracle angels.  You have such a huge army of people rooting for you...praying for your arrival!  We hope and pray that one day soon we will get to introduce you to at least some of the mighty prayer warriors that have been lifting you up for months now!

I have no way of knowing how tomorrow will go.  I don't know how many of you there will be...how you will grow...what you will be like.  But I know each of you will be beautifully unique, and I can't help but hope with every ounce of my being that I will get to hold and know you here on earth.  But no matter what happens tomorrow...I want you to know how much you are LOVED.  How you are cherished, our sweet little babies.  You have a Mommy and a Daddy who are invested wholeheartedly in YOU and we have been since before we even knew each other.  We love you so much that we couldn't possibly put it into words.  Just the thought of your sweet perfection is overwhelmingly exciting...

So grow, grow, grow my little miracles.  I am SO ready to know each of you!

See you Soon!
Mommy

Something Beautiful...

Tonight I took my regular 3 shots in the belly.  Right now we are holding at 150 iu of Follistim and the regular 1 ampule of Menopur and 5 iu of Lupron.  Tomorrow we go in for what *might* be our last monitoring appointment.  Depending on how my follicular count looks, we may have one more appointment scheduled this weekend.  But we will most likely take our trigger shot either Sunday night or Monday night to do our retrieval Monday or Tuesday morning.  Eek!!

This week has FLOWN by...I knew it would...but I've tried to take some time to kind of soak it all in.  I've let myself take naps when I would otherwise just push through.  I've made myself stop working at 9:00 when I take these shots and I spend a few minutes in my glider after I take them just to woosah for a minute.  Greysen has taken to "helping Daddy" give Mommy shots.  We give him a little empty syringe plunger without the sharp.  He wipes an alcohol wipe on my belly and says "Right here Mommy?" and then he says "It make noise again Mommy, but you feel better."  Then he pats the place he gave me a "shot".  It is not lost on me what a beautiful picture that is.  My little living, breathing miracle playing a role in this process.  His little tiny fingers gently caring for me, and his tender little heart being concerned about me.  I saw him when his entire "self" could fit on the head of a pin.  And now here he is being a part of every step of the same process that brought him to us.   It's really just...beautiful...

Tonight I got to looking at my lower belly where I've been getting at least one injection a night for 3 weeks now.  There are little "poke holes" in my belly and some tiny little bruises.  That's to be expected in a process like this.  My body kind of goes through the gauntlet on the way to a hopeful pregnancy.  It's worth every stick and every discomfort, though, and I would do this 10 times if it meant I could have a miracle even half as incredible as my Greysen is.  But tonight I noticed that those expected "poke holes" are interspersed among my tiny little stretch marks from pregnancy.  Evidence of the beautiful life I carried in my belly for 37 1/2 weeks.  Evidence that this process has worked.  Evidence that God has been faithful.  It was a little reminder that there is more to this than a few uncomfortable pokes and procedures for a few weeks.  It was a beautifully poignant picture of my strength and my vulnerability all intermingled together.  The body is incredible.  The things that God designed it to do are just awe inspiring.  And I am not at all unaware of what a GIFT it is that I get to see this process step by tiny step.  While there was a time that I felt resentful of the fact that we were going to have to go through this process again if we wanted to further grow our family, tonight I was reminded what a true BLESSING that is.  I can tell my babies that I saw them when they were so microscopic you couldn't see them without a specialized microscope.  I knew the MINUTE they were embryos and I saw the EXACT MOMENT that they were placed inside my body.  It's miraculous y'all...no way around it.  It's truly something beautiful...

This Strange Peace...

About this time 4 years ago, we were right at the beginning of this IVF process for the very first time.  I remember feeling anxious and nervous and excited.  Every time I thought about the "next step" I would get a major adrenaline rush followed by a jittery excitement.  The process consumed my life and my thoughts and my time.  That's not to say that peace wasn't being prayed for by me and on my behalf.  That's not to say I wasn't hyper aware of God's presence and His provisions then.  But there was most definitely a different emotional vibe to that first process than there is this time around...

And I frequently find myself thinking, "Ok...how should I feel about the fact that I'm NOT constantly worrying or fretting or getting those adrenaline rushes all the time?"  It's as though my heart and soul are at complete serenity about this process, but my mind keeps second guessing this strange peace I feel.  My mind says "Maybe you feel this way because it's not going to work"...and then my heart says "Nope Rach...don't go there."  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that no matter what happens with this cycle...even if it DOESN'T end in the pregnancy we are hoping and dreaming and praying for...I know I can trust my God.  I can trust Him to be the Master of the details and I can just be the beloved daughter of the King of the World...

When I close my eyes and picture what my relationship with my Lord would look like if He were living and breathing and physically here on this earth with me, I picture His mighty arm looped through mine.  I hear Him saying, "We got this girl.  Come on!".  I feel His unfailing strength and love and provision and I KNOW He has an incredible plan that is only just now beginning to unfold.  I know He is near.  So close, in fact, that He is speaking audibly to me through His Word and through my "tribe" of people. Through YOU!  Many of you probably have no idea, but on a daily basis I hear from at least one of you  about this IVF process and your words are a sweet balm to my heart a soul.  They are a reminder that my God and Savior loves me, He is present, and HE CARES!  I haven't even had a moment to fret about the "what ifs" because He keeps providing those frequent oases through your words of love and encouragement.  Goodness how He loves me and how precious my sweet relationships with YOU are!  My cup runs over...

So as we barrel right into this weekend and this next week of monitoring, I feel peace and serenity.  At my core, I feel a complete composed calmness about this cycle.  I am praying that that serenity translates to beautiful and healthy Womack Embabies.  And of course we pray fervently...we plead...that we would have the great privilege of holding and raising and KNOWING at least one of those sweet embabies on this earth.  But no matter what, I trust my God completely.  He will never leave me or forsake me.  He has a plan to prosper me and not to harm me.  He intends to answer my prayers and fulfill the desires of my heart.  And I KNOW He wants the absolute best life has to offer us.  So I'm resting on His promises, His provisions, and His wholly REAL presence...

Wait with us.  Pray with us.  Hope with us!

It's GO TIME!

Ok, so somehow it's the first of July!  Where in the heck the month of June went, I don't know.  I've been on Lupron and birth control for the last week.  This morning I took my last birth control pill of this process (this rounds out the 6th week of taking those darn things).  The Lupron shots haven't been bad.  It's basically the equivalent of an insulin needle and the medicine doesn't sting like some of the others do.  But man, my life looks SO different this time than the last time we did this!  I don't remember feeling so run down and hormonally emotional this early in the process the first time around, but I also hadn't been through what I've been through these last 4 years and I didn't have a 3 year old to chase around!  So if you see me zoning out when you see me, just know I'm loopy from Lupron... ;)

July promises to be a major rollercoaster for us.  So far I've been really good about keeping myself just busy enough and being purposeful about keeping my mind and heart and adrenaline in a zen place. You all have been SO helpful in that!  I am so grateful for the texts and notes and messages encouraging and reminding me of the army we have behind us.  Next week I'm looking forward to LOTS of girl time with so many of my ladies and I just know that's God's provision in the midst of this ever more stressful process.  The closer we get, the more scary it gets.  But I'm so happy that God is answering prayers big and small along the way.  He is making His presence and His provisions so real and tangible right now and I know so much of that has to do with the prayers you all have lifted for us and with us.  He is "showing up" for us just as He always does and my cup runs over!

So what does July look like for us?  Here's our official timeline:

Monday July 2nd: Baseline ultrasound and blood work at OU.  This is where they check to make sure the birth control and Lupron have been doing their job and I'm not moving toward ovulation.  If I am, it would mean my body is muscling through THREE hormone therapies meant to suppress that process.  Not likely, but possible.  That's why they ultrasound!  Today is also the day we cut the "big check". That part is always a little nerve wracking, but also SO relieving once it's done!

Saturday July 7th: This is our official "start date". What does that mean?  That means I reduce the Lupron to 5 iu, and I add Follistim and Menopur to the nightly regimen.  That's right, three shots in the belly daily for about 10 days.  My Follistim dosage will change as the process progresses and my estrogen level changes and my ovarian follicles begin developing.

Monday July 9th, Wednesday July 11th, and Friday July 13th: These are the appointments I go to every other day to get blood work and ultrasound to see how my ovaries are responding to the hormone therapy.  Dr. Hansen will adjust my stim drugs accordingly at each of these appointments to keep my ovaries working on overtime, but also keeping me from overstimulating (which is NOT a good thing).

Monday July 16th: I may or may not have an appointment this day, but I will likely find out on this day when our retrieval will be...

Tuesday July 17th, Wednesday July 18th, or Thursday July 19th: These are possible retrieval dates.  On whichever of these dates Dr. Hansen chooses, I will go in early in the morning and be put under general anesthesia while they go in and aspirate the fluid (and hopefully the mature eggs!) from each of my follicles.  Last time we had about 20 mature follicles that contained 11 mature eggs.  This time we are hoping for a few more (maybe in the 25 follicles, 15 mature eggs range, so you can pray for those numbers specifically!).  Then I sleep off the anesthesia!

From there we wait to hear how our embabies are growing!  About 24 hours after retrieval I should get a call from my nurse Connie to tell me what we've got and to begin speculating about possible transfer dates.  This is all dependent on the retrieval date and the strength of the embryos...

Things you can pray for:
1) My state of mind and heart in the next 2 weeks!
2) Quiet ovaries on Monday!
3) My body's great response to stimulation therapy!
4) 25 follicles and 15 eggs!
5) Strong and beautiful Womack embryos!
6) The two embryos that will be transferred back to my uterus when the time comes!

SO much is on the horizon for us.  July is going to be a big, big month!  We are excited and scared and hopeful and apprehensive all in one package.  But we are SO grateful for your prayers (we feel every single one for REAL!), your support, your sweet words of encouragement, and your love.  We will be leaning into you and into our great, great God in the coming weeks!

Womack Embabies

Today I take my first injection of Lupron. I remember when we did this the first time, once that first injection happens, everything seems so fly at break neck speed. Technically the next week or so is fairly low key in the grand scheme of the process, however something about these shots in the belly makes everything more real. And then I take a step back and truly look at our timeline and I get a major adrenaline rush (its equal parts excitement, nervousness, and fear) when I think that in 2 1/2 weeks, God willing, more Womack babies will exist on this earth. They are little lives, little PEOPLE, as soon as they’re fertilized!!  And let me tell you, these tiny little embryos each have a unique personality from the literal minute they are created. They each divide differently. They each behave differently.  They hatch at different times, contain different combinations of DNA.  They are each their own unique size and shape.  It's incredible to see these little lives develop from such a small little bunch of cells.  The first time we ever laid eyes on Greysen, he was literally 6 cells big.  His entire "self" could fit on the head of a pin!  And now he runs and talks and laughs and has opinions and a beating heart and functioning lungs.  What a MIRACLE life is!  And we get a front row seat to the incredibly complicated and tedious process of how that life is created...

Of course the prayer immediately following "Please help our embabies grow and develop!" is "Dear God, PLEASE let us meet at least one of these beautiful lives here on earth!"  In our first process we ended up with 11 eggs retrieved, 7 eggs fertilized, 3 viable embryos, 2 embryos transferred, a singleton pregnancy, and one frozen embryo.  Why did we choose to go through another fresh transfer instead of using our frozen embryo?  1) Our sweet little frozen embaby is very, very marginal.  That means that, as far as the grading system of the strength of an embryo and it's propensity to continue into a healthy viable pregnancy, our embaby is the lowest possible grade above "non-viable". It doesn't mean he or she won't eventually grow into a healthy baby and be a part of a healthy pregnancy, but it's highly likely that our little one may not survive the cryogenic thawing process.  2) With my age being what it is (I will turn 34 in November) and our desire to at least have the *option* of 3 children, we are going to have to go through this IVF process again at some point.  It is best to do that as young as possible so that my ovarian reserves don't drop drastically and so that I can be as healthy as possible to carry a pregnancy to term.  So basically, no time like the present...

No matter how many embryos we end up with with this process, every single one of those viable embryos will eventually be transferred right back to where they belong...into their mommy's womb!  Including our one little frosty embryo at OU right now.  We pray fervently for strong and healthy embryos, and we pray even more fervently for a healthy pregnancy and beautiful babies that we meet and know here on earth.  They are beautiful lives from the outset.  What a blessing that so far we have had the privilege of knowing at least one of them here on earth...our little Greysen!  And he's pretty darn fantastic...

Wait with us.  Pray with us.  Hope with us!

I Thought This Would Be Easier...

Answering a call...saying yes to God...ultimately means that your path will be clear and free from obstacles right? Your way will be a straight shot with no fear, no doubt, no chance of failure, hm? Once you pattern your life after God's example and live according to His plan, His will, everything magically becomes easy doesn't it? I'm sure you're sensing the facetious tone here. Because NONE of that is true about saying yes to God. Following God's will for your life, saying YES to His calling, is not easy...

Greysen and I watched The Star (an animated film about the Christmas story) for the first time Friday night. I'm so glad we finally did, because I really loved it and so did he. I've heard several times since then "Mommy, want to watch Jesus?" which is music to my ears! The movie brought me to tears, though, and also brought some important things to light for me. Funny how an animated film can do that...

There is a scene when Mary and Joseph are on the road to Bethlehem and everything seems to be going wrong. Their cart breaks down, they're doubting their aptitude for the massive task they've been entrusted with...basically everything they've both been thinking kind of comes right to the surface. And Mary says, "This is so hard! Why is this so hard? I know this is God's plan, but I guess I just thought it would be easier than this..." Oh sister...can I identify with that reality! When you say yes to God...when you agree to be a part of His ultimate purpose...it doesn't magically exempt you from the world and everything that comes along with it...

So what does that mean? Say no to God because ultimately that's the easier road? Interesting thought isn't it? Hearing those words come out of Mary's mouth in the movie got me thinking about how many people God called who may have said no to the heavy task of carrying the Messiah. It's a nice thought to think that the first woman he prompted was Mary and she said yes with no hesitation. Maybe that's how it went down, maybe it's not. But it got me thinking about the lineage of Jesus...essentially God's "rescue plan" for His creation. He had a plan and He used His people to carry it out. Just as He is still doing today. But it took willing parties to say yes to Him. To trust His plan. I don't think it's an accident that the blood line of Jesus Christ is punctuated with women who battled infertility and loss. "Non-traditional mothers", if you will. It's not a mistake. Sarai, Rachel, Hannah, etc. Those heroines of the faith said yes, and their yeses came with pure joy and fulfillment AND crazy difficult obstacles and TOUGH promises to keep. Don't you think Mary rethought her yes to God when it became more clear that her precious son was to be hung on the cross? Wasn't Hannah's promise more difficult to keep when Samuel became old enough to commit his entire life to the ministry and leave her...she was going to have to make good on her word to give him over to the work of God! I can guarantee you that continuing to say yes to being a part of God's bigger purpose was NOT easy for those women then, and it's NOT easy today...

Fear is loud...and very convincing. Doubt is intense...it's hard to dodge. Worry is my arch nemesis...it follows me like a big black cloud ready to engulf me if I let it. In the midst of this IVF journey, just like last time, I am constantly...daily...being bombarded with things and circumstances which create worry and doubt and fear about this process. The "what ifs" are SO hard to drown out. There are an insane number of potential derailments, disappointments, failures. And it is SO easy to let myself go down that road of what ifs. Ultimately, I have no idea whether any of those what ifs will play out in my story. But I'm not supposed to have it figured out. I'm only supposed to take His hand, trust His plan, and keep saying yes. Keep taking another step, and another step, and another step. Even when it's scary...terrifying. The one truth I know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that God will be with me. The circumstances won't change His constancy. When I said yes to him 23 years ago, He became a forever enmeshed part of me that can never be separated...

Psalm 27:13-14 says, "I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness while I am here in the land of the living.Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord." A sweet family here in Oklahoma is walking a tough road with their son Caleb as he recovers from a traumatic brain injury. This young man has been SUCH an inspiration for me during these last couple of months. Caleb's father wrote this a few weeks ago: "This weekend I pictured our biblical heroes as they lived through God’s miracles. Do you think the Israelites ever glanced up at the walls of the Red Sea and wondered if they would hold until they had crossed? Do you think Daniel ever looked suspiciously at the lions and worried they might suddenly become hungry during that long night in the den? Do you think the disciples ever questioned whether they heard Jesus correctly when He said He would return? Of course they did. But we call them heroes of the faith because they endured to the end, whether the wait was one night or a lifetime..."

So what does all this mean for me...for you? God doesn't promise us ease on this earth. He doesn't promise us prosperity and success. He promises us His PRESENCE, His CONSTANCY, His PROVISION, His PROTECTION, and most importantly His KINGDOM. John 16:13...Jesus' words..."I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world." So that means when it feels like I can't find peace here on earth...peace in my circumstances...I can trust that if I seek peace in Him I will find it. It also means that I myself don't have to overcome the world. I don't have to "beat the odds". He already did all of that on the cross! And He did it FOR ME! So praise God for His presence, His constancy, His provision, His protection. I can do this...I can answer His call and say YES to His calling. Even when it's terrifying. Why? Because I serve a God who PROMISES that participation in His ultimate purpose will NEVER go unnoticed and unrewarded by Him...

I Don't "Get" Pregnant

In the IVF world, we don't say "get" pregnant.  We use the phrase "achieve pregnancy".  And believe you me, that action verb "achieve" is 1,000% percent more accurate than "get".  How I have longed for the ability to just "get" pregnant.  To decide it was time to try, and then within 12 months or less, you're there.  It makes it even more frustrating to know that even after all of the extensive testing and procedures we've been through, there's still no explanation for why we can't "get" pregnant and maintain a pregnancy without help.  But I've learned to be ok with the fact that "achieving pregnancy" is the hand I have been dealt.  I'm an over-achiever by nature...so maybe this was just what was supposed to be all along!

Let me just give you a small snapshot of what the following 6-8 weeks is going to look like for us:

Every day (currently):
400 mg of CoQ10
Daily Probiotic
Daily 5,000 IU of Vitamin D
Inositol (Vitamin B8) Supplement
DHA Supplement
Prenatal Vitamin (AKA horse pill...)
Cyclafem birth control (I actually don't mind this...I lost 8 pounds last time on this pill.  So far I've lost almost 6 this time and I've got a solid 3 more weeks left of it!)

In about 2 weeks:
I'll continue the above supplements but add an injection of Lupron once a day right in my belly.  Lupron injections don't hurt *too* much, but they are usually accompanied by a pretty gnarly headache which I will try to stay ahead of this time...

About 2 weeks after that:
I'll drop the birth control and add 2 more types of injections.  Yep you read that right.  Three needles to the lower belly once a day.  Ouch...  One of this medications is called Menopur.  It's made with the urine of post menopausal women.  There's a fun fact for ya!

About 2 weeks after that:
I'll drop the Lupron and add Follistim which is the drug that stimulates my ovaries to crazy produce.  Meaning my ovaries go from being about the size of lemons to what feels like basketballs.  I will go in every other day for blood work and ultrasounds, and then eventually every day until it looks like my ovaries are ready to be triggered...

About 10 days later:
I take a shot in my belly (which smarts with the fire of a thousand suns) called Novarel to trigger my ovaries.  24 hours later I go in for my egg retrieval...

Egg Retrieval Day:
We go in at zero dark thirty and they put me under general anesthesia.  They send Jonathan back to collect and I go into the procedure room where they basically pierce my ovaries with a needle and aspirate out all the fluid (and hopefully eggs) from each mature follicle.  Last time we had 11 mature eggs.  Dr. Hansen is shooting for about 15 this cycle by changing up my stim drugs a little in the beginning.  Then I go home and sleep on the anesthesia and stay ahead of any cramping with Tylenol.  I also can drop all my supplements except for the Prenatal Vitamin, the DHA, and the Vitamin D.  I also get to add a lovely shot of Progesterone in oil right in my butt.  Every day for hopefully the next 13 weeks.  While I'm snoozing, the embryologists are performing a procedure on my eggs and Jonathan's sperm called ICSI (rhymes with pixie, but stands for Introcytoplasmic Sperm Injection).  We do this because our infertility is unexplained. One of the causes of infertility is the incompatibility of the sperm with the shells of the eggs.  This procedure basically eliminates that as a possibility.  More on that in another post...

The Next Day or Two Later...
Connie, our nurse, calls to tell us how our embryos are growing.  This is SUCH a high anxiety call to answer!  Last time we had 7 of the 11 eggs retrieved fertilize successfully.  Conceivably, you can expect that about half of the eggs you retrieve will fertilize, and about half of those will be viable embryos for either transfer or freezing.  Dr. Hansen is shooting for closer to 15 mature eggs retrieved this time in hopes that our outcomes will be the same or better as they were the first time.  So essentially we are hoping for 7-9 fertilized embryos which would leave us 3-5 viable for transfer or freezing...

Either 3 or 5 days after Retrieval...
I go in and they bring us pictures of our "embabies"!!  They prep me for what looks like a basic pelvic exam, but they also to a trans abdominal ultrasound so they can watch the catheter thread right into my uterus.  Then the embryologist comes in the room from the lab with a syringe which contains our embryos.  We will transfer 2 (assuming we have that many viable).  We watch as the embryos are transferred into my body.  It looks like two little balls of light being transferred on ultrasound!  Then I stay lying down for about 30 minutes, and then I leave...

14 days after Retrieval...
I hopefully take a positive pregnancy test!!  This is literally the longest 10-12 days in the history of time.  No guarantees but a WHOLE lot of hope! Also in this time period we are informed if any of our remaining embryos (if there are any) are viable enough to freeze...

Whew!  Is your head spinning yet??  Mine is!  It's a ride y'all.  And its WORK.  But we also know that there is a divine component to all of this that we have absolutely no control over.  It's in God's hands.  The outcome, the embryos, the procedures.  He's got it all in His hands.  So while it's incredibly scary, it's also exciting.  We get to see how God creates pregnancy from a literal front row seat.  Here's the reaction we are hoping for about 4 weeks after that retrieval day when we see our sweet little one's heart beat for the first time...

Fight the Good Fight of Faith

Today, we step out in faith again and we press forward in the hope that our second “magnum opus” is what’s waiting around the corner for us. SO much has changed and SO much has happened since we put our selves out there like this 4 years ago. There has been so much loss and so much pain, but there has also been unimaginable joy and SO many answered prayers. God has already “summoned our army” and Baby Womack #2 already has a voice on this side of Heaven. We have been blown away once again by all of your love and support. Your words and your gifts, your kindness and your prayers. While this is a position I hoped we wouldn’t find ourselves in for a second time, I know that each of our steps is already laid out...we simply have to continue forward...one carefully planned step at a time. I’m praying for that road full of green lights again like we had with Greysen’s IVF process...

So the time has come. I know from experience that our arrival at this point has a greater purpose beyond ourselves. It’s  bigger than me and Jonathan and Greysen. It’s bigger than our infertility struggles. It’s part of our tapestry. I feel confident that when this part of the mural He is painting of my life is finished, we will stand back and  see it with eyes of pure awe. It feels a bit like “the trenches” right now, but we are going to fight the good fight of faith in this. I teetered back and forth when deciding whether or not to share our journey this second time around. IVF is scary, but it’s MORE scary when you put it out there and so many people are hoping for a miracle right alongside you. Nonetheless, we hope that you’ll do just that. We pray you will HOPE alongside us, pray with us and for us, look ahead with POSITIVITY and anticipation for what God is going to do. We hope and pray and plead that the end of this story is the expansion of our little family. But we know that no mater what happens, God will be glorified. His plan will unfold as we walk this road and it will be spectacular...

So here we go again folks. Womack’s Thinking Positive. Hope with us, pray with us, fight the good fight of faith with us. We’re inviting you to take a journey with us that promises to be harrowing and exciting and difficult and ultimately MIRACULOUS.  Take the trip with us y’all...

Letting Myself Off the Hook

These two years of our lives have absolutely been the most difficult ones we’ve had to endure. There have been moments of unimaginable joy intermingled with the parts that have been nearly unbearable, yes, but my little heart and mind have been through the emotional equivalent of a meat grinder in the last nearly 24 months. I keep telling myself that it’s the refining fire. I know that it really is. I know that these experiences are formative for me and for us. The losses we have been hit with in this amount of time have changed us, but I know really they are changes for the better. Our marriage has been strengthened, my mothering has been more purposeful, and my friendships have become more deep and meaningful. Those are all great and perfect gifts that I have received from my Father...

Many of you may not know that I have been in counseling for a few months. Ironic that I am finishing up my own certification to be a counselor, and I find myself on the receiving end. To be frank, I think EVERYONE needs a counselor at some point in their lives. Life is HARD, folks. For me, my grief response has been to “keep the plates spinning”. Do this, say this, make this, take this on, etc. In the midst of that acrobatic feat, though, I have seen “plates” come crashing down and be pulverized into dust that I couldn’t possibly put back together.  When that has happened, I have carried the responsibility in my heart for both the breaking and the mending. Neither of which were my fault or within my ability to prevent or repair.  In my counseling session Monday morning, my sweet counselor had me read Romans 8:31-37 and replace all the generic binaries with personal ones. She made me read it out loud. Here’s what it sounded like (The Message translation):

“So what do you think, Rachel?  With God on your side, how can you possibly lose?  If God didn’t hesitate to put everything on the line for you, Rachel, embracing your condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending His own Son, is there anything else He wouldn’t gladly and freely do for you, His daughter?  And who would dare tangle with God by messing with you, one of God’s chosen...his girl?  Who would dare even to point a finger at you, Rachel?  The One who died for you-who conquered the grave for YOU-is in the very presence of God sticking up for you RIGHT NOW, Rachel!  Do you think anyone or anything is going to be able to drive a wedge between you and Christ’s fierce love for you?  There is no way!  Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture. None of this phases you, Rachel, because God LOVES you. I’m absolutely convinced that nothing-nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable-absolutely NOTHING can get between you and Gods love for you, Rachel. Because of th way Jesus has embraced you, his daughter”.

While that seems easy enough, I basically could not read that out loud in my session. It felt wrong to me. So I have spent yesterday and this morning trying to read it that way with confidence. You know what?  It dawned on me how crushed my Lord must be to hear me NOT be able to confidently read those verses and apply them to myself. It’s taken more than 20 read through a of those verses written like that for me to have a breakthrough. My God is bigger than circumstances. He is bigger than death, bigger than loss, bigger than rifts, bigger than mistakes. He can take ANYTHING and make into something BEAUITFUL. And you know what?  It was NEVER my responsibility to help Him along in that. I was never supposed to be the “fixer”. I am only supposed to be the beloved daughter of my King and let him do the rest...

There are things that happen in life that are not at all preventable. I can’t change someone’s mind, I can’t convince someone who is entrenched in their own truth that what they are believing is a lie, I can’t take on the responsibility of “fixing” what has been crushed. It was never within my power and therefore it was never part of my list of expectations. I can no longer take on this heavy burden of “responsibility” of mending broken things that was never my burden to bear. As my counselor says, “Rachel...that was never yours to fix.”  So I get it...I think. How crushed my spirit has been because of those “pulverized plates” in these last few months...  But you know what?  That feeling of a crushed and unloveable spirit is NOT a feeling from Christ.  “Is there anything else he won’t gladly do for you, his daughter?”

In Gods timing, He will make a glorious masterpiece of these broken pieces. I have not a clue on earth how He will do it, but I know He will. I’m beginning to see how far behind I’ve left the concept of my worth to Christ. How deeply and purposeful He loves me. My ability to see that has been clouded by what feels like a marathon of “taking away” and “leaving without”. But the Word tells me, and I know it is Truth, that God is a God of LOVE. He doesn’t just “do” love...He IS love. And if He truly IS love, then I must rest my heart and my mind on HIM. I have to know and believe that He knows the story well...like the back of his hand...and He hasn’t nor will He leave me or forsake me...

I hope you’ll take a minute to replace my name with yours in that Romans passage. As freely as He gives to me and as fiercely as He protects me...He does the same for you whether you realize it or not. And join me in fervent prayer that God will miraculously build that masterpiece in my life and in your yours. That it would be more breathtakingly beautiful than we ever imagined it could be...

What Should Have Been...

Man my little tender heart has been STRUGGLING this week.  This month of April has weirdly hit me square between the eyes and I didn't even see it coming!  Around this time last year, Jonathan and I decided to start trying for Baby Womack #2.  We agreed, confidently, that if we arrived at April 2018 and we hadn't been successful in getting pregnant, we would go see Dr. Hansen.  There was an odd amount of comfort in that.  We didn't feel hopeless like we had in years past when we decided it was time to start trying.  We have our sweet and precious Greysen and we've seen God work in miraculous ways in our hearts and minds with his arrival.  He is my most precious gift and I tell him so every day.  We also had OPTIONS...it wouldn't be the end of the world if we ended up back at OU with our doctors and nurses who we love so much if a year passed and a pregnancy hadn't happened.  We could never have predicted what the following 12 months would bring.  SO many things that make this April 2018 SO much harder to digest...

The loss of my sweet Grandmother would have been enough to really knock me off my game, but to then lose our blessing baby...our sweet Soutine...mere weeks after the loss of my Mimol just seemed cruel, to be frank.  And while my mind's eye sees her sweet jet black curls and bright blue eyes happy and safe and being cared for by SO many that love her, as this week rolls around I can't help but feel overwhelmingly jealous of the joy of Soutine that I'm not getting to experience.  How my heart breaks when I think that this week SHOULD have been the week I was waiting for her arrival.  This SHOULD have been the week that I was waddling around and counting those "practice" contractions and telling everyone "Any day now!".  I might have welcomed her into this world this week.  I might have held her sweet little face close to mine and said, "I'm your Mommy sweet girl!"  I might have introduced her to her Daddy who loves her more than life itself.  I might have introduced her to her sweet big brother Greysen who would have been the BEST big brother to his baby sister.  I might have handed her over to her Nene...added to her joy of grand babies and given her another girl to spoil.  I might have placed her in the arms of her Papa and her Pops...two men who would have taken bullets for her.  I might have put her on FaceTime with her May-May and Uncle James and her sweet cousins...prepped her for the crazy shenanigans that were in store for her in this wild Harris clan.  I might have breathed her in so deep...drawn in that sweet baby smell down to the tips of my toes.  I might have lain my cheek against that downy baby hair of hers and wondered how anything could be softer.  I might have held her impossibly tiny hands and feet and marveled at how perfectly perfect every tiny finger and toe was.  That's what SHOULD have been...

That pill this week is BITTER y'all.  It is bitter.  It's a physical pain.  Empty arms physically HURT when they were supposed to filled with a newborn baby.  While I know I will hold her *someday*, today that notion doesn't bring me much peace.  I heard a sweet friend talk about a balloon release ceremony where she released a balloon for a baby she lost.  She said, "They said it would be freeing to let that balloon float away from my hands, but instead I found myself wanting to grapple for that string I let go of and climb right up into the clouds and get it back."  Today...this week...I want to claw my way into the clouds and get my baby back.  I want to go back in time and refuse to "follow God's will" and keep her.  I want her here.  I want what "should have been".  I don't really know how to find peace in this.  I think because of the profound loss that's happened in the last 2 years of my life, the absence of this blessing baby this week is just particularly piercing...

I pray constantly for God to replace that hurt with something joyful...something positive...something healing.  I long for Him to do those things and remind me that He truly does have something better in store for me.  It's hard to wrap my mind around something being better than holding my precious miracle baby in my arms this week.  Maybe He'll surprise me...